So Confused, So Hurt

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from soxguy617. Show soxguy617's posts

    So Confused, So Hurt

    I'm going through a pretty bad breakup. I cant really make heads or tails of what went down. I was dating this girl for over a year. She's 22, I'm 31. Most of my other relationships have been more casual so this was my 1st real girlfriend. We were more then just bf/gf's...we were best friends. She was dating/living with this other guy before me. He was a jerk to her. He was verbally abusive and on at least 1 occasion physically abusive.  So she left him to be with me and for the last year we've been inseparable. All her friends and family have told me they never seen her so happy and that I'm all she talks about and how in love she is. Over the last couple of months we started to fight alot...she is kind of on the spoiled side so her attitude sometimes got me angry. Alot of the fights were my fault too. I knew how into me she was and sometimes I took advantage of her. I was manipulative and sometimes I didnt exactly put her 1st. Most of the time we fought the fights didnt last more than a few minutes. Like 3 weeks ago we got into a fight...I dont even remember what it was about but it lasted all day. we made up that night and she spent the night. The next morning we got into another fight and she went almost hysterical. She was crying, screaming. I tryed calming her down, i grabbed her arms and pulled them toward me to hug her and she pulled away. She said it was over, grabbed her stuff and ran out the door. I called her at work a few hours later and asked her to come over that night so we could talk. She said no, its over and she had a date that night. When i asked with who she said it was with her ex. I figured she was lying because not only did she hate him for all he did to her but he hated her for walking out on him a year earlier. I dont know if she went over there that night or not because we were texting well into the night. I texted her a few days later and told her I wanted to talk. She called me and said theres nothing to talk about, that she was going to try things with her ex, that she was in love with him and made a mistake by breaking up with him in the 1st place.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    I'm sorry you're hurting right now. It awful when things end badly.
    That said: She's 22. A lot of what I did when I was 22 didn't make any sense. You can only hope she'll wise up for her own good, but it's out of your hands now. Tell her you love her and that you'll be there for her if she ever needs you. Then stop texting and calling. She might come back. She might not. She's still very young and trying to figure out what she wants. Focus on yourself for the time being.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from soxguy617. Show soxguy617's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    ya i've done that....a few days before before valentines i sent her flowers. she texted me and said they were beautiful but she wasnt ready to talk. i've tried talking to some of her friends just to kinda get an idea on what shes thinking. 1 girl i've gotten to know pretty good wouldnt say much. she probably doesnt want to be in the middle. this other girl i've only met a couple of times kind of disowned her. none of her friends like this kid. this girl messages me everyday to see if i'm ok
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from BigWillie2. Show BigWillie2's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    Wow, that was hard to read.   Mostly because of the formatting,  how 'bout some paragraph breaks next time? 


    Normally I'd say that 31/22 is too much of an age gap.  It's only 9 years,  but it's that particular stage it doesn't seem like it's a good match.   But on the other hand you sound very young yourself,  so who knows.   In any case you have not described a healthy, mature relationship.  You both sound very immature.


    You had a one year relationship.  This girl - and sorry but you did not describe a woman - walked out on the last one.  Then she walked out on you.   Sounds like a pattern.  I'm sure it hurts but why would you want to salvage this?   You just need time to get over it,  nothing you do or say, or anything anyone else can say, will help. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from easydoesit2. Show easydoesit2's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    Dude, wake up and smell the coffee.  Everything was great for months and then all of a sudden, lots of fights?  That's when she started to think she wanted out.  The day after a blowout fight she had a date already scheduled?  I'll bet the ranch that the date was already scheduled before the fight.  The girlfriends aren't talking, and one texts you every day?  They know you're available, and it's OK with her.  Whether it's really the ex or not, who knows, but like it or not, YOU are the "ex" now, and have been since the fights/excuses started. Sorry, but that's my read.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this and are so hurt.  And, not to belittle you, but for 31 you are not very wise in the way of the world.  A 22 year old who was in an abusive relationship is prone to go back to what she knows and understands even if it is bad for her.  That's how life is and it has nothing, in actuality, to do with you.  You were naive to get into a relationship with her to begin with.

    Again, this is not to belittle you but to encourage you, believe it or not.  Once you understand that it was practically a given that she would do this you can stop wondering what you did wrong.  Also, you can prevent yourself from jumping into a similar relationship.

    Look up "wounded bird" online.  Please make sure you do not seek out girls that you perceive need your help as your main criteria for dating them. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from trublusu. Show trublusu's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    In Response to Re: So Confused, So Hurt:
    Wow, that was hard to read.   Mostly because of the formatting,  how 'bout some paragraph breaks next time?  Normally I'd say that 31/22 is too much of an age gap.  It's only 9 years,  but it's that particular stage it doesn't seem like it's a good match.   But on the other hand you sound very young yourself,  so who knows.   In any case you have not described a healthy, mature relationship.  You both sound very immature. You had a one year relationship.  This girl - and sorry but you did not describe a woman - walked out on the last one.  Then she walked out on you.   Sounds like a pattern.  I'm sure it hurts but why would you want to salvage this?   You just need time to get over it,  nothing you do or say, or anything anyone else can say, will help. 
    Posted by BigWillie2


    here, here, Will, I totally agree and 9 years is a big age difference for someone only 22. ( practically a teenager! )I feel bad for soxguy, but fighting all the time does not a great relationship make
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ariesgirl. Show ariesgirl's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    I can understand how you would get involved with her in the first place, you fall in love with who you fall in love with, right, wrong or indifferent.  Of course we all try to make the best choices but are not always successful in doing so.  That being said, when someone wants out, they want out and you need to just let it go and not try to figure her out, analyze this to death or keep in touch with her friends.  Why would you want to go back to something that unstable in the first place and if you ever did, how could you trust she would not do the same thing again?  You have to learn when it's time to let something or someone go and cut your losses and although its no guarantee, try to date someone closer to your own age.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    You can always back away from a relationship that looks doomed by baggage before you fall in love.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from smokingrepublican. Show smokingrepublican's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    one of several reasons
     #1       bluntly; how was the sex?
    #2 where are you on the "I relate  to your life style and interests" scale?
    and
    "IS THERE BOREDOM IN YOUR LIVES that you can not overcome?"
    well, just ignore this, realistically.
    I am divorced twice, widowed  and x-girlfriends stalk me because I said something really bad about them , or to them.
    BUT, since I'm kinky in a "soft core porn" kinda way, I still get good references from even those who hate me now, because they have those 'sovenier movies' I gave them, and they...............[um] like oral sex . [who doesn't?]
    THE only thing is, I am a work a [freakin] holic, and verbally snide, if not just absolutely abusive at times. A bad dog.
    at least!.............anyway, I'm bored today and droped by for my semi-annual visit.
    .............sorry Ms. lucy GOOSEY isn't around...............I need to ask her some questions that have to do with 8 numbers and $$$$$$$$$$$
    sincerely
    SmokinR?
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from smokingrepublican. Show smokingrepublican's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    and also, isn't 5th AKA 'smartbomb'?
    BOWB? bowb-bie, is that you, you transvestite !
    where's GOOSEY?
    this is her daddy, I got a bee-ness proposal.
    tobun or smokinR
    whatever
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from JazzyJtotheILL. Show JazzyJtotheILL's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    In Response to Re: So Confused, So Hurt:
    Wow, that was hard to read.   Mostly because of the formatting,  how 'bout some paragraph breaks next time?  Normally I'd say that 31/22 is too much of an age gap.  It's only 9 years,  but it's that particular stage it doesn't seem like it's a good match.   But on the other hand you sound very young yourself,  so who knows.   In any case you have not described a healthy, mature relationship.  You both sound very immature. You had a one year relationship.  This girl - and sorry but you did not describe a woman - walked out on the last one.  Then she walked out on you.   Sounds like a pattern.  I'm sure it hurts but why would you want to salvage this?   You just need time to get over it,  nothing you do or say, or anything anyone else can say, will help. 
    Posted by BigWillie2


    Big Willie, you make a ton of good points here. The author does sound really young and immature. Maybe not in a crazy, go out boozing every night while meatheading it up at the gym on saturdays at four way.. but certainly in a very inexperienced in the world way.

    I would suggest understanding the states of mind you are both in. The place in your lives you are in. She is still a kid, you're getting older. If I think back to who I was at 22 and who I am now at 29, HUGE difference. All those that I hurt at 22, I wish I could take back and treat right today. But it doesn't work that way. Sounds like you were her fall back plan, sounds like maybe she found another. Seems to me she's a girl in high demand with even higher demands. You won't compete with that if you have a cry baby attitude.

    Although your feelings are very real to you, in the grand scheme of things, you'll get over it. and sooner than you think. Of course you could always hold on the fact that she's the one that got away, but that's only asking for trouble. Understand you guys aren't right for each other. Time heals. And you were only together a year. I assume you don't own a house together, cars, children, etc. so you have even more potentional of moving on faster.

    Move on from her and find a woman. Men think all 30 year old women want marriage and babies, that isn't really the truth. Open your heart and find someone who is right for you. Because P.S. there is a such thing as a healthy relationship where you don't fight ALL THE TIME. 

    Good luck
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    People seek out what they know.  Maybe soxguy's parents fought all the time?  Maybe his mom is a lot younger than his dad and needed help?  Not to be super Freudian here, but we often end up in relationships that are modeled after mom's and dad's, and if we KNOW that and accept that it's not the healthiest model to emulate we can change our perception of what kind of relationship we want to have ourselves.  If we don't examine our motivation behind what kind of partner we seek, we are destined to repeat our mistakes over and over.

    And, his 22 year old ex was drawn back into what she knows, abuse. 

    For better or worse, we humans usually prefer what we know best unless we actively change our perceptions to something healthier if need be.  That's why I got a year of professional, personal counseling before I dated after an 8 year marriage and divorce.  I was NOT going to repeat myself.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    They don't call me Sage II for nothin'.  (ALF being Sage I)  Wink

    Not sure about the blog.  I spend so much time here already...but, I'll consider it.  I'm leary of clicking on links, though; don't want to run the risk of infecting my DH's computer.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: So Confused, So Hurt

    You wrote:  I knew how into me she was and sometimes I took advantage of her. I was manipulative and sometimes I didn’t exactly put her first.

    Maybe she did leave you to go back to the other guy. Or maybe she left you b/c of the type of behavior you described above.  Either way, take this as a learning opportunity and don't repeat your mistakes. Move on and Good luck!

     
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