Soul Mates. Do you believe?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Soul Mates. Do you believe?

    Here ya go....

    The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.

    What's sad is the reason couples avoid conflict is because they believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It's like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor, "We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting." In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting.

    We're afraid that if we disagree – or fight – we'll run our marriage off into the ditch.
    We believe that if we've found our soulmate, we'll agree about most things - and
    certainly about the important things.

    Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences
    things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting
    that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we
    become determined to avoid conflict at any cost. And, we start wondering
    if we married the wrong person. It shouldn't be this hard.

    Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences
    in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy.
    Successful couples know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from
    spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship.

    While it's true that we don't get married to handle conflict, if a couple doesn't
    know how – or learn how – to fight or manage their disagreements successfully, they won't be able to
    do all the other things they got married to do.

    Put another way, it's hard to take her out to the ball game if you're not speaking.
    Couples are often so determined to avoid disagreements that they shut down – quit speaking, quit loving.

    Couples need to know what the research has found: that every happy, successful couple has
    approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve.
    Instead, the successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them
    – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to develop understanding and empathy for
    their partner's positions.

    The divorce courts have it all wrong. "Irreconcilable differences" – like a bad knee or a chronic back – are
    not a reason to divorce. Instead, they are part of every good marriage. Successful couples
    learn to dance in spite of their differences. They gain comfort in knowing they know their partner,
    know which issues they disagree on and must learn to manage.

    They also understand that if they switch partners they'll just get ten new areas of disagreement, and sadly,
    the most destructive will be about the children from their earlier relationships.

    In addition to skills for handling disagreements, we also have to learn to welcome and embrace change.
    When we marry we promise to stay together till death us do part – but, we don't promise to stay the same.
    That would be deadly dull. We need skills and confidence to welcome, integrate, and negotiate change along the way.

    The good news is that the skills or behaviors for handling disagreement and conflict,
    for integrating change, and for expressing love, intimacy, sex, support,
    and appreciation can all be learned. Couples can unlearn the behaviors that predict divorce –
    that destroy love – and replace them with behaviors that keep love alive.

    Diane Sollee
    www.smartmarriages.com
    Copyright, CMFCE.

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from AlleyCatBruin. Show AlleyCatBruin's posts

    Re: Soul Mates. Do you believe?

    In Response to Re: Soul Mates. Do you believe?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Soul Mates. Do you believe? : I think the presence of unresolved issues is what makes a relationship weak. Conflict sometimes happens in close relationships.  An every day dose of it isn't my cup of tea - but some people don't mind bickering or arguments.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick[/QUOTE]

    Well put, CHC, well put indeed.
    Thanks.
    ACB
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Soul Mates. Do you believe?

    In response to AlleyCatBruin's comment:

    In Response to Re: Soul Mates. Do you believe?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Soul Mates. Do you believe? : I think the presence of unresolved issues is what makes a relationship weak. Conflict sometimes happens in close relationships.  An every day dose of it isn't my cup of tea - but some people don't mind bickering or arguments.
    Posted by Corporate-Hippie-Chick


    Well put, CHC, well put indeed.
    Thanks.
    ACB[/QUOTE]


    There has to be some conflict in a relationship..including healthy ones. There are always bound to be disagreements on certain issues..but it is how you deal with those conflicts that defines a relationship in terms of success. Some people enter into relationships and claim to be in love right away..when what they really are is infatuated. To me...part of real..honest..adult love..includes being able to work through conflict to find common ground.

     

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