The hiding past

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from sylvs18. Show sylvs18's posts

    The hiding past

    I need a guy's advice on his "past".  Is it something we should all know? or is it something we should all avoid?

    I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now and things are going great.  He knows just a couple months before we met my ex and I split.  He knows that we still text just for birthday wishes exchanges or little things and nothing more.  I decided since I am so open about my past, I should ask about his.  Which turned into a big blow out.  He froze and didnt want to tell me anything.  I stayed calmed and tried to get him talking and figure out why he doesnt feel I should know.  Long story short, he told me he was just sleeping with someone who meant nothing to him.  He says he feels the past is the past and nothing else.  I dont know how things ended with them and where I was in the picture.  But am worried why he wont open up to me and let me in on his past.  If it doesnt mean anything or ever meant anything to him, what is he so afraid of?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    I'm female and married. I know nothing about my husband's dating past and don't care to.  The past is the past. He knows nothing about my past either.  Why do you want to know this information? Of what possible use is it?

    I knew nothing about the pasts of any boyfriends either. 

    I can see knowing whether he was married before, or whether he has some kind of STD, but if it's just idle curiosity, you are probably better off not knowing.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    Why do you really want to know about his past relationship? How does any of that influence your relationship with him? I know my husband had girlfriends before he married me but I don't need to know the details. Don't care. He's with me and I have no doubt that he loves me and is 100% faithful. And I am absolutely not interested in telling him about my past boyfriends. He doesn't care.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    A "big blow out" over a simple question about his past can mean he's hiding something significant that, like you said, he could be actually afraid of your finding out, and that would trouble me.  There's a difference between simply being of the philosophy that the past is the past and being truly afraid that the past will come out.  Big difference.

    However, he has made it clear that he doesn't want to share so you can't harp on it and must let it go.  If you don't, that will push him away and possibly might cause him to end the relationship unnecessarily and/or prematurely.  Maybe he's learned from past mistakes and won't repeat them.  Maybe not.  Keep your eyes as open as they should be, anyway, in any dating relationship for potential deal breakers and pitfalls (totally regardless of the "past" issue).
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    As a guy the past is the past, if he doesn't want to share his with you let it go.

    My past involves some painful memories that I don't want to discuss with anyone.  Given time, you have only been together 8 months, he "may" open up to you about his past once he builds a greater "trust" with you.

    I got a letter from an ex-girlfriend from College recently (college was about 15 years ago!) She lives in another state, the return address was unreadable and I assumed by the content it was written as part of a 12 step program.  In it she apologized for the way she had treated me.  She also updated me on her life - married and a mom of a little boy.  So, thinking it was "no big deal" I shared it with my girlfriend thinking she wouldn't care and it was something I didn't have to hide.

    Her reaction? She freaked out! "You better not write her!" , "She wrote that because she wants you back!"...blah, blah, blah...

    I had no intentions, nor could I, of writing her back.
    I showed her the letter because there was nothing to hide and it really boiled down to nothing more than a apology and telling me I was a good guy that didn't deserve to be treated the way she had treated me.

    Let sleeping dogs lie...
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheTinMan. Show TheTinMan's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    It's something you might know about, or could know about, but not necessarily something you "should" (as in, you have a right to it) know about.
    Disclosing information about one's past is a personal decision.  You decided what to share about your past and when to share it.  He gets to decide what to share about his past and when to share it.  That decision isn't yours.
    I think the issue here isn't that you asked, which I think is fine, but when he indicated he did not want to discuss it, you kept at it.  I'm guessing the "big blow out" was not over the first question, but about your trying "to get him talking and figure out why he doesn't feel I should know". You took something personal to him, and turned it into something all about you and how you fit into his life.
    If you really do care about him, accord some respect to his wishes.  If and when he wants to share his past with you, he will.  But it will be his decision.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    sharing the past isn't a necessity, if someone would rather leave the past in the past fine..no big deal.  I'm agreeing with Kargiver that the fact that he blew up when you asked is troubling.  Was it just a easy going inquery or a grilling?  If it was a casual inquery that got the reaction I would be concerned.  Otherwise, let it go
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    Agreeing with most everyone here and having a similar "good deed, gone wrong" event like RogerTaylor I can offer this as added food for thought. When you share past experiences there is risk that your current paramour might see your historical actions as par for the course today. And that is rarely true. How things happened; why they happened and/or how something ended is not "me" today. Or you hope not.  Speaking only for this man. I have had good and bad relationships. Pointless to share either. So let it go unless something triggers a deeper worry.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    I think simply being asked about the past warrants a calm reaction even if the answer is, "I'd rather not share because it's not comfortable for me or, imo, relevant."   That would be fine - like many have said it's not generally imperative to share tons of past details.  

    A blow up, on the other hand, is unwarranted and begs the question, "Why the bad over reaction?"  Is it wise to keep very raw nerves (of any cause) a secret from a lover?
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    In Response to Re: The hiding past:
    [QUOTE]I think simply being asked about the past warrants a calm reaction even if the answer is, "I'd rather not share because it's not comfortable for me or, imo, relevant."   That would be fine - like many have said it's not generally imperative to share tons of past details.   A blow up , on the other hand, is unwarranted and begs the question, "Why the bad over reaction?"  Is it wise to keep very raw nerves (of any cause) a secret from a lover?
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Amethyst2. Show Amethyst2's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    I think if someone doesn't wanna talk, don't push it!  Maybe at some point, they'll open up...but they're not ready yet.  It's not about you.  That's the important thing.  It's about what they can handle telling you, at the time you ask...

    I am with kar, though...an overreaction would generate a whole lot more questions in my mind...the other important thing about what kar said, is that there is a "because" to it...that seems more respectful than just shutting down.
     

     
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    In Response to Re: The hiding past:
    [QUOTE]I think simply being asked about the past warrants a calm reaction even if the answer is, "I'd rather not share because it's not comfortable for me or, imo, relevant."   That would be fine - like many have said it's not generally imperative to share tons of past details.   A blow up , on the other hand, is unwarranted and begs the question, "Why the bad over reaction?"  Is it wise to keep very raw nerves (of any cause) a secret from a lover?
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I wonder the manner of her asking though. Was that gently done, or in a needling manner? Clearly she is the type to share everything, regardless, so she expects others to be like her.
    Some info should be on a need-to-know basis (eg STIs), other stuff not so much.
    Maybe his last relationship was with a guy, or maybe he was seeing a married woman, or maybe it was the love of his life and you are runner-up rebound girl. Either way, none of your business really.
    He is with you now. Enjoy it while it lasts.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    Yes sorry. Pesky employees.

    I was going to say that a blow up over most things are inexcusable. You lose much when reacting loud and long. So then, while sharing relationship past is discretionary on one's part, reacting like someone popped your balloon can be a red flag.


     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    You can dismiss a bad over reaction on the manner in which she asked, I guess, but I still think it points to a raw nerve of some sort.

    I'm definitely not advocating pushing it with him and trying to force him to share things he doesn't want to share. 

    What I am advocating is quietly tucking this experience away in the "possible red flag" file.  So often we dismiss this, dismiss that, and suddenly we're in a mess that we "should have seen coming" given however many signs we recognize now in hindsight but dismissed earlier as they happened.  

    Time will tell if this experience about his past is something you need to consider as part of a larger disturbing picture, or if it was just a random event that doesn't point to anything important.  Let it go with him, but don't completely forget about it.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from TheTinMan. Show TheTinMan's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    Kargiver--I agree to an extent.
    If the "big blow out" was the immediate reaction to one simple question (even if it was poorly put), definite red flag time.
    But what a lot of posters here seem to gloss over is the OP's statement "I stayed calmed and tried to get him talking and figure out why he doesnt feel I should know".  In other words, when he didn't want to talk about it, she kept after him.  I know I'm hanging on semantics here, but she said it "turned into a big blow out", not that the original question "caused a big blow out".  Given what I'm reading here, I think it turned into a problem because she kept after him on something he did not want to discuss.
    As I said before, she took something that was private to him, and turned into something about herself and their relationship.
    Only the OP knows the real course of events here.  What this really comes down to is an issue of trust.  If she trusts him, then she moves ahead and maybe at some future point, he'll want to share some of his past.  But if she has some nagging doubts, thinks he's hiding something, then she doesn't really trust him (perhaps with good reason, based on her instincts).  In that case, there probably isn't a future for them.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    Hmm, TM, good point.  I know nagging about anything can turn into a big blow out.  I assumed she meant she asked and he blew up, but I don't know that for sure.

    I guess the OP has to figure out if it's a red flag or not for herself and tuck it away for safe keeping if she thinks it could be or move on having learned the lesson that hammering at something that doesn't want to budge is a recipe for disaster no matter what the topic.

    I should mention that I think 6 - 8 months into a relationship, though, is typically when I think people start letting their guards down a bit and red flags start appearing (if there are any).
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    In Response to Re: The hiding past:
    [QUOTE]Yes sorry. Pesky employees. I was going to say that a blow up over most things are inexcusable. You lose much when reacting loud and long. So then, while sharing relationship past is discretionary on one's part, reacting like someone popped your balloon can be a red flag.
    Posted by Bubs06[/QUOTE]

    i thought we were going to keep that between us
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Bubs06. Show Bubs06's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    In Response to Re: The hiding past:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: The hiding past : i thought we were going to keep that between us
    Posted by JEnvie[/QUOTE]

    We were until you shredded my black AX. I told you the twins were just friends.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    In Response to The hiding past:
    [QUOTE]I  I decided since I am so open about my past, I should ask about his.  Which turned into a big blow out.  He froze and didnt want to tell me anything.  I stayed calmed and tried to get him talking and figure out why he doesnt feel I should know. 
    Posted by sylvs18[/QUOTE]

    I am a woman. You know that that bolded part says to me?  She asked him and he deflected b/c it's really none of her business.  She then nagged and hounded him and he got upset.  It's one thing to ask, it's another to 'try to get him to talk' after he has indicated that he does not wish to continue the discussion.  This clearly says 'nag' and 'hound' and 'harp' to me.  When a woman says "I stayed calm and tried to pursue the conversation", it just means that she didn't raise her voice. It means that she asked question after question and pestered the guy all night until he blew up.  How do I know? B/c I've done it.  lol. Not about this topic, but others. 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    In Response to Re: The hiding past:
    [QUOTE]In Response to The hiding past : I am a woman. You know that that bolded part says to me?  She asked him and he deflected b/c it's really none of her business.  She then nagged and hounded him and he got upset.  It's one thing to ask, it's another to 'try to get him to talk' after he has indicated that he does not wish to continue the discussion.  This clearly says 'nag' and 'hound' and 'harp' to me.  When a woman says "I stayed calm and tried to pursue the conversation", it just means that she didn't raise her voice. It means that she asked question after question and pestered the guy all night until he blew up.  How do I know? B/c I've done it.  lol. Not about this topic, but others. 
    Posted by ALF72[/QUOTE]

    Wow! A woman with a little introspective view...AWESOME! A sincere compliment!
     
    Guy's, myself included, HATE being "Nagged", "Hounded" and "Harped on!" - I love two things about your post (1) your spot on correct and (2) you admit to having made this mistake yourself and that you learned from it!

    Gonna have to keep an eye out for your future posts...inciteful, honest and intelligent!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from JJLen. Show JJLen's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    sylvs18,
    Your poll striked me as odd. This is really, really not the sort of issue that the majority gets to vote on, and you get to be either right or wrong with your boyfriend about. Everyone's comfort level is different. Regardless what we all say, it is your boyfriend's feelings here that matter, and even if every single other person loved to open up and share, that doesn't make your bf wrong here.
    Some people share everything about everything. Some people don't. It isn't about whether he "doesnt feel I should know" -- you're making it about you by thinking of it this way. Most likely, it isn't that he is hiding things from you because you can't handle it or shouldn't know about it, etc.; it's just about his comfort level talking about his past. That's about him, and not a Big Statement about your relationship. Let it go. 

    One caveat: if the big blow up happened simply because you asked a question, that could be a red flag. If it happened after you pushed more and more for information (regardless how calmly you think you did it), then I wouldn't be worried about the blow-up (he was probably angry that you didn't respect how he felt about this).
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from 5thtry. Show 5thtry's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    In Response to Re: The hiding past:
    [QUOTE]Agreeing with most everyone here and having a similar "good deed, gone wrong" event like RogerTaylor I can offer this as added food for thought. When you share past experiences there is risk that your current paramour might see your historical actions as par for the course today. And that is rarely true. How things happened; why they happened and/or how something ended is not "me" today. Or you hope not.  Speaking only for this man. I have had good and bad relationships. Pointless to share either. So let it go unless something triggers a deeper worry.
    Posted by Bubs06[/QUOTE]



    paramour?  that's a nice word.
     
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  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    I would not read anything into it. You haven't known each other that long. I am someone who is very reticent to share my past. I have never felt the need..nor understood why some feel they need to share entire life stories. I have nothing to hide...I just believe the past is the past..and if and when I choose to share something..it should be my choice and my choice alone.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from calmdown. Show calmdown's posts

    Re: The hiding past

    What's the big whoop with hiding your past. I actually need to.
     
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