Unreliable Friend

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from IheartJohn. Show IheartJohn's posts

    Unreliable Friend

    I have a question. I have a close friend who is a great guy in almost every way.The glaring exception is that he is unreliable. He makes plans to meet all the time, but only follows through about fifty percent of the time. He is fun, funny, smart etc. He would be perfect except for the fact that I can't count on most of what he says. Part of me thinks maybe he is not really interested in our relationship, but the other part thinks that he is just really busy and spread too thin. An example of what I am talking about? This afternoon, we were talking on the phone. All of a sudden he said he had to go and would call me back in a half  hour. That was 4 hours ago. This happens all the time.
    What would you do?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Amethyst2. Show Amethyst2's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    I'll be honest with you  -- that would make me nuts. 

    I had a friend who had a friend who had this tendency to just go off and wander on his own.  No notice of where he was going; when he'd be back.  It's not a matter of someone wanting to control someone else; it's a matter of "should I wait up for you, or not?"  "Should I make dinner for you?"  Simple courtesy.

    Charming and funny is great, but not being able to rely on someone to follow through on an arrangement with no explantion (does he at least *explain* what happened, why he no-showed?)  I would feel very disrespected...I thinkit would be a deal breaker for me...Just don't make excuses for him...*make* him explain himself...

    Other people may well have another opinion...it's just that this is a sore topic for me...


     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from sugarxo. Show sugarxo's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    You say this person is a 'friend', so I will assume it is a regular platonic friend. This is not acceptable from a friend , a date or anybody else.  What it boils down to is lack of respect for you and your time.   

    1)If this was one of my best friends in the world and they did this, I dont think they would hold that title for very long.

    2)If this was a person I was dating, it would be OVER.

    3)If this was an acquaintance, then chalk it up to just someone who is unreliable, and never really make serious plans with them. 

    Habitual lateness is immature, irresponsible and unexcusable!!!

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from IheartJohn. Show IheartJohn's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Amethyst, my main problem is that I care about him. I know he's really busy, but I feel like it comes down, like you said, to courtesy. When I have gotten annoyed in the past, he makes it seem like I am over reacting and just blows it off. It makes me wonder if I am really over reacting but then again, I feel really disrespected.
    Sugarxo, this is a strictly platonic friend, one that I had hoped there was a possibility of dating but now am starting to see that is not going to be the case. By the way, I still haven't heard from him, and I am going to be damned if I am going to pick up the phone and call/text him which is what I usually do. Last week, I brought up how rude this behavior was and he basically implied that if I was going to be "clingy"(his word and not a fair description) then our relationship is going to be over. I am not kidding that I was up all night and just could not stop crying. I didn't hear from him for 2 days and then got a text from him like nothing had happened , like nothing was wrong. I don't know how to handle that. So I just went on like nothing had happened and then today, the same thing. I don't know what is wrong with me because I would not tolerate this behavior from anyone else.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Amethyst2. Show Amethyst2's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  T'aint fair!  This hurts for sure...

    I'd say just stay away from him.  No phone, email, letters, nothing.  He disrespected you, and then tries to put the responsibility for his rudeness onto you.  Even if you are "clingy", (whatever that means), it still doesn't excuse his actions.  I don't hear him saying "I'm sorry, I should have called..."  Nothing.

    He doesn't seem to be accepting responsibility for his actions.  Right there, that's a indiction of his character.  Do you really want to be with someone like that?


     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from catnmouse. Show catnmouse's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Please get the idea of something "happening" with him out of your head for your sake!  I get from your letter you are the one making most of the arrangements.   He has no interest in you in "that way" and is keeping you at a distance because he knows you are intereseted in more.  Thats fine, but I see your aggrivation for him not being more of a stand up guy.  If only he was just up front about it instead of making plans or saying he will call then not following through.  His comment about you getting too clingy and threatening to end the friendship is a bit harsh, rude and a tad cruel but he sure is letting you know where you stand.  I have to say he doesn't even sound like a good friend let alone a prosepect for a relationship.  Find yourself a nice guy and hang out with your girlfriends.  Forget this creep in every way. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    It's behavior that in a strictly platonic friend that is your choice to put up with because his other behavior with you is worth it or not.  If it were a romantic interest, I'd definitely say leave him in the dust.  

    If it bothers you to the point that you don't want to be friends anymore, so be it.  Distance yourself and let the friendship die a natural death.  If you don't initiate, he won't, either, and there you go.  But, if you want to accept that he's just not going to be reliable AND you can DECIDE to not take it personally when he doesn't keep plans, you can work around this flaw and stay friends, but the key to that succeeding for you is to LET GO of the idea that he will wake up one day and be different in that respect.  He won't.  If you think you can live with his friendship the way it is and he is respectful in every other way with you, continue it.  If you think it will continue to hurt you the 50% of the time he forgets plans, don't continue it.  

    My DH has had a friend exactly like this that he goes back literally 25 years with.  He decided to not let it bother him, and it doesn't.  When they are together, they have a great time.  They confide in each other and everything else that friends do.  And, when this person doesn't call back or forgets plans, DH doesn't take it personally.  That's his choice, and he appreciates the good qualities of this friend and their friendship enough to put up with it.  He makes sure to have alternate plans, and doesn't take it personally when he gets forgotten.  But, that's his choice.  If he got hurt every time by it, they would have drifted apart 24 1/2 years ago.

    Do NOT put up with this if he is in the slightest bit a romantic interest.  I'd say change your number, but you won't have to; he won't call.

    And, at the very least, if you decide you don't want to let the friendship go, have a heart to heart with him about how his "forgetting" you makes you feel.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Clearly you think this is more than a purely platonic relationship.  If you thought it was platonic, you would not have been up all night crying about it.

    Sorry, but you sound like a Stage 5 clinger.  The guy is not interested in you.  As a friend or a potential girlfriend. If he were, he would not be treating you like this.  Back off and let him define the friendship, if you still want to have one.  Personally, I'd let all his calls go to voicemail until he got the hint and took a hike. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    I think your avatar "I heart John" and your hopes this would be more is telling.  I could be wrong about your avatar but I find it interesting. You say you know it can't be anything more, but could you deep down still want it, which is clouding your judgement?  Could you really be "just friends"??  Honestly, he couldn't be more blunt in not being interested, by calling you clingy.  People who are constantly late or not showing up, blowing people off are sending a messge. I am more important than you and your feelings. I have a sister like that and can honestly say I am much happier by not making plans with her.  I realized it doesn't bother her in the least and all those times I let her upset me, was on me.  I gave her that power.  Never again.  I say take your power back.  Have no contact with this person.  He is not a great guy, you deserve better. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    I totally agree with the others regarding this guy if he's a romantic interest, and I have to admit I missed the "crying all night" part.  NO ONE cries all night over a platonic friend.  Let the guy go if you have ANY hint of a romantic feelings for him.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from IheartJohn. Show IheartJohn's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    My avatar has nothing to do with this dilemma. I am a huge fan of John Cusack and was just being silly when trying to think of a screen name, but I can see how it looks bad. Thank you all for the good advice. None of you have told me anything I haven't been thinking for the last week or so. The thing is, most of the time, I am not the one making the plans, he is. Eventually, he called me last night, but I was in bed and let the call go to my voicemail.( this is a big step for me). I think the thing is sometimes I feel like I am getting mixed messages sort of like one step forward two steps back. Kargiver, thanks for sharing the story of your husband's friend. At least I don't feel like such a total loser.
    I will confess, the tears came out of nowhere and no one was more surprised by them than I was. I think I am going to have to back off in a big way, at least until I decided how I feel and what I am willing to live with.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    I'm glad your avatar has nothing to do with him : )  I think you are getting mixed signals from him.  A friendship should be a 2 way street and this sounds very one sided to me.  You are worth far more than this.  Hang in there, back off, give yourself time to think and you will know what to do.  And you are not a loser!  As you can see from some of us, we have experienced the same thing. Good luck! 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    I think it comes down to two things (if we can take the OP at her word that she's not romantically interested).  Can she deal with the behavior by choosing to not take it personally (if he acts this way with everyone, which I assume he does)?  And, is the friendship (minus this issue) worth making that choice for?
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Wow...I have to say..in my life I have only had one close friend who I would characterize as unreliable..she was great in (almost) every way..funny..for sure...caring etc..etc..but really unreliable in the way of not showing up sometimes or showing up incredibly late. I mostly let that go because she was good in the ways that counted. After a while though..the friendship started to fade a bit because her unreliability started to manifest itself in other ways...and then she moved out of town which allowed the relationship to really die a natural death.

    I think you need to be careful where your feelings are concerned with this guy..it sounds like rather than actually caring for him you really have a bit of a crush on him..and crushes can be dangerous because then you are idealizing the person rather than seeing them for what they are.  I think you are doing a good thing by taking a step back..at least for a bit. The bottom line is even if his actions aren't meant to intentionally hurt you..the fact is you are hurt. You are not going to change him..therefore you need to change the way you react to him..
    Also..you need to understand that expecting someone to be something that they aren't is a recipe for disaster and unfair to both of you. I have many different levels of friends...some with bigger committment( and therefore higher expectations) than others. Maybe this guy needs to be relegated to the "low expectation...low committment " end of your friendship spectrum. I have a couple of friends with whom I exist very happily on that end of the spectrum ..lol We have a lot of fun...but if I need a shoulder to cry on in the middle of the night..they are not who I would call..
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    You're putting yourself in the position of licking up the crumbs he's throwing your way because you'd rather be with him than not.   You can't be platonic friends until you no longer have feelings for him - sorry, that's just how it works.

    We all have to cancel lunch plans because of a work crisis sometimes, or cancel an after-work drink for some home emergency.  If you're getting upset about this kind of thing, then you ARE being unreasonable and clingy.

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    I agree with the others that if you were truly friends, you wouldn't even be worried about this.

    I have a couple friends that are unreliable. I just make sure I never make plans with them that involve reservations or tickets purchased in advance. I know I'm not the only one they're flaking out on, so I never took it personally. If I really need them, they're there for me, so I don't hold it against them if they cancel for dinner or the movies every once in a while.

    But what you have here is someone who simply doesn't want to spend as much time with you and you do with him. He wants to casually be friends, maybe with benefits. You want a steady relationship. You have two choices: enjoy the time you have with him casually, or move on and find someone who wants to keep their dates with you. He will not change. You cannot give him ultimatums.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Friendship is a 2-way street. Right now you are his friend, as its on his terms alone. But he is not your friend. At all. I have known people like this. In fact it reminds me of people who are your friend when they are single then completely ignore you when they have a significant other. Once they split up they want to be buddies again. Wierd.
    You are feeding into his ego-mania. He sounds like a spoiled only child to me, who is not used to sharing anything, even himself.
    Arrange to meet with him. Then don't show up. When he calls you to ask what happened, tell him he is being clingy and you have to go but will call him in 30mins. You can guess the rest.
    I think you should talk this guy down to a Facebook "friend", and leave it at that.

    Unless ofcourse he is a surgeon on-call all the time and has a valid excuse?
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    My read on this, after your update, is that he's the one calling you to talk or make plans, and then he "has to go" and doesn't call back or he doesn't make good on his invitations. If that is right, then he's jerking you around. I don't know why, and maybe he doesn't even know why, but I don't think he's a nice person and I can't grasp why you want to stay friends with someone like that.

    I don't see a future for any kind of relationship here, even a platonic one, and that is because it isn't good for you to be around him. Friends are supposed to be friendly. You're supposed to have fun with them.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    In Response to Re: Unreliable Friend:
    [QUOTE]I agree with the others that if you were truly friends, you wouldn't even be worried about this. I have a couple friends that are unreliable. I just make sure I never make plans with them that involve reservations or tickets purchased in advance. I know I'm not the only one they're flaking out on, so I never took it personally. If I really need them, they're there for me, so I don't hold it against them if they cancel for dinner or the movies every once in a while. But what you have here is someone who simply doesn't want to spend as much time with you and you do with him. He wants to casually be friends, maybe with benefits. You want a steady relationship. You have two choices: enjoy the time you have with him casually, or move on and find someone who wants to keep their dates with you. He will not change. You cannot give him ultimatums.
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]

    Pink, I absolutely LOVE this response.  Especially the fact that you don't buy non-refundable tickets with your friends who might bail.  I'll have to read this to DH when he gets home - he'll get a kick out of it since he can relate regarding his "unreliable" friend of 25 years. :)

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    In Response to Re: Unreliable Friend:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unreliable Friend : Pink, I absolutely LOVE this response.  Especially the fact that you don't buy non-refundable tickets with your friends who might bail.  I'll have to read this to DH when he gets home - he'll get a kick out of it since he can relate regarding his "unreliable" friend of 25 years. :)
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, Kar! Yes, it's something you can learn to live with if the friendship is strong enough and you plan accordingly. And I suppose it makes me feel better about when I have to cancel on friends. It happens! You can't change people.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from IheartJohn. Show IheartJohn's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    To report back- I have taken a huge step back. Some days it is harder. Just to be clear, the comitments that were blown off were comitments that HE made with me not the other way around and I understand that sometimes things come up with work and such. To me it was the consideration thing and the fact that I suddenly realized that  was a fool to be hanging by the phone waiting for a call.I have a lot of friends. He is a lot of fun and there as many times as I may have wished it so the reality it I don't want to have anything more serious than friendship with him. I have done a lot of thinking and taking a big step back has allowed me to see things more clearer. He jumps from girlfriend to girlfriends so I am thinking that this is not what I want. The hilarious thing is he seems to be calling a lot more now that I've been letting many of his calls go to voicemail. Thanks for all your help. You guys all said some of the things I have been thinking in the back of my mind. I think I just needed to hear others say it.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    That's great you are gaining perspective and moving ahead in your emotional maturity, knowing better who you are, what is acceptable and unacceptable to you, and acting accordingly.  It's a tough lesson to learn...congrats.  And, yes, if he's the passive aggressive type, he'll be driven bananas by your not whiling away your days by the phone hoping he'll call, picking up half way through the first ring.  Enjoy your newfound emotional freedom.  And, if you do want to keep up with him, I'd suggest the 10 minute rule.  10 minutes late, and the plans are off; go do something else guilt-free because if he wanted to keep your plans he'd have been there on time.  And, if you're consistent with that, he'll learn to be on time or be left to find something else to do himself.  Everyone wins.

    Take care and best wishes!!

    ~kar
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Maldenlady. Show Maldenlady's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Well said, kar!  Ditto!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Yes, good for you! I'm not surprised he's calling you more. Independence is an attractive feature. ;)
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Unreliable Friend

    Good for you.
     
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