Why is he looking at online dating sites?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from KelleyDel. Show KelleyDel's posts

    Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    I have a tough situation and hope to get some honest opinions (particuarly from guys). I have been dating Mike for almost 2 years. Our relationship has been great. He is thoughtful, romantic, kind, my best friend. We have met each others families and talk quite often about our future. BTW, we are both in our late 30s. We have been talking about moving in together and last weekend he asked me to move in with him and we started planning when I would move, what I would do with my apt. etc. Everything seemed great. The problem? About a week and a half ago, when I was over his house, I found a piece of paper (on the floor, he is a slob) that had what looked like websites and username/password combinations. I am not sure why I hung onto it, but I did. I showed it to a friend of mine and she did a little investigative work. The websites were just letters--POF and FS. She figured out that they were plenty of fish and fitness singles, both dating sites and that he had profiles on both sites! His profile was hidden on both sites, doesn't have much info, no photos and isn't even accurate as far as his looks/profession, etc. He has not subscribed and he hasn't sent any emails. But he has been on there "favoriting" women and been on there recently.  I am at a loss as to what to do. I cannot figure out why he would be doing this while at the same time, making long term plans with me and asking me to move in. None of it makes any sense. OF course, I was snooping, which does not make things any better. He doesn't even have time to cheat. We are together pretty much every weekend, he also has a son who he has every other weekend. Do guys just do this for kicks? Is he bored? My friends are mixed on this. Some think what he is doing is harmless, others say I should dump him know. Thoughts?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from hsmbs. Show hsmbs's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    If you want advice, post this to Meredith Goldstein's column in Love Letters.  You'll get hundreds of thoughts!  Personally, I don't like this and would call him out on it -  snooping or not.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Maldenlady. Show Maldenlady's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    Huh!  A real mixed situation! 

    i'd say talk to  him about it.  Tell him what you told us, you found this pretty innocently, got curious, and found what you found. 

    Posting this on love letters is a good idea...From what you've said, it sounds kind of innocent -- maybe acting out a little fear of commitment (after all, from what you've said, this seems to be happening at about the same time you started talking about moving in together).  How did his other relationship end?  A lot of acrimony?  How long ago? 

    I don't know...my instinct is saying it's pretty innocent so far...talk to him, 'fess up to doing the research you've done, and see how he responds.  the piece of paper was "in plain view", at least; it's not like you were going through a journal or diary. 

    Remember Ronald Reagan's phrase:  "trust, but verify"!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    There is only one reason a man will go through the trouble to put together a profile [even if it's not accurate] and set up an account on a dating website: he is looking for a date.  You need to confront him and ask what he really wants before you move in.  Personally, I'd contact your current landlord and re-up your current lease. Even if you try to work it out w/ this guy, I'd hold off on moving in until you decide what you want to do long term. 

    I did dating websites for several years in my late 20s/early 30s.  They are timeconsuming.  You do not just hop on and create a profile for kicks.  You can log on as a guest if you want to do it for kicks or have a very bare bones profile.  But even then, you are doing it to see what is out there.  If you are doing anything w/ a dating profile, you are playing the field and looking around at your options.   
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from BostonGal109. Show BostonGal109's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    It really depends if these accounts were set up and active a while ago or current. If he is on there now and his profile is blocked, there is a good chance he unblocks his profile when he goes on. However- sometimes they show you're active even if you aren't really, like if you are trying to type www.pl... something and you get sent to something in browser. I've had a lot of friends tell me they accidently get signed on a lot.

    Sometimes if I'm in a relationship that I know is about to end, I start checking out guys online even though I'm not subscribed, and you favorite them so that when you are ready to send them to messages (i.e single), you can do so easily. Favoriting people is creepy, but that's the allure of it.

    So, if he is active recently, maybe he is planning on ending things :/
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from DrDiSaia. Show DrDiSaia's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    You are in a precarious spot. I would suggest surveillance.

    Keep tabs on whether or not he goes online at these sites from this point onward. If he is actively and frequently doing so, your relationship is not-so-great. He might just be looking at a back-up plan, but that is not an act of good faith.

    If you can't handle that, consider trying to talk to him about it accepting that this might just end up in a fight.

    Good luck.....
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Jim-in-Littleton. Show Jim-in-Littleton's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?:
    There is only one reason a man will go through the trouble to put together a profile [even if it's not accurate] and set up an account on a dating website: he is looking for a date.    
    Posted by ALF72


    I'm going to disagree with this.  That ISN'T the "only one reason".  PoF in particular has discussion forums just like this one (only with a lot more traffic) where people discuss dating and relationship issues (as well as sports, politics, religion and a host of other general discussions).  Fitness-Singles appears to have forums as well. 

    Posting and responding to questions there isn't any different than posting/responding right here on boston.com forums yet plenty of guys have profiles on here and don't date other members.  There are a whole heck of a lot of people that post in the PoF forums that are married/attached and aren't looking to date.

    I haven't been on PoF in a while so I can't tell the OP how to find the forums any more but I'm guessing a quick Google search would answer that.  She may also be able to see if that's where he's been through links in his profile (they used to be clearly visible on a user's PoF profile but they eliminated that 2 years or so ago... not sure if they've brought it back or not.)

    In any case, the OP here needs to have a discussion with her guy.  I wouldn't recommend jumping to conclusions beforehand though.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?:
    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites? : I'm going to disagree with this.  That ISN'T the "only one reason".  PoF in particular has discussion forums just like this one (only with a lot more traffic) where people discuss dating and relationship issues (as well as sports, politics, religion and a host of other general discussions).  Fitness-Singles appears to have forums as well.  Posting and responding to questions there isn't any different than posting/responding right here on boston.com forums yet plenty of guys have profiles on here and don't date other members.  There are a whole heck of a lot of people that post in the PoF forums that are married/attached and aren't looking to date. I haven't been on PoF in a while so I can't tell the OP how to find the forums any more but I'm guessing a quick Google search would answer that.  She may also be able to see if that's where he's been through links in his profile (they used to be clearly visible on a user's PoF profile but they eliminated that 2 years or so ago... not sure if they've brought it back or not.) In any case, the OP here needs to have a discussion with her guy.  I wouldn't recommend jumping to conclusions beforehand though.
    Posted by Jim-in-Littleton


    That may be the case, but I doubt in those scenarios that the person joining in discussions on those forums is 'favoriting' female posters' profiles.  This is what does it for me - the 'favoriting'.  If the guy is as busy as she says he is, and spends all his time w/ her and his son on alternate weekends, then he isn't going to have time to play around in discussion forums online.  Not at home anyway - I rarely access from home b/c I am busy. I do it during down time at work.  I only accessed my online dating info and profile [before I got married] from home b/c I didn't want my employer to be able to access that info, which they could do if I did it from work.  

    I would confront the guy w/ what she found. It was in plain sight so she wasn't 'snooping'.  If he has anything to hide, she should be able to tell from his reaction.  I sure as heck would not continue to make plans to move in w/ him until this was cleared up to her satisfaction.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Maldenlady. Show Maldenlady's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    "I would confront the guy w/ what she found. It was in plain sight so she wasn't 'snooping'.  If he has anything to hide, she should be able to tell from his reaction.  I sure as heck would not continue to make plans to move in w/ him until this was cleared up to her satisfaction"  Alf72

    Yep...my thoughts also...

    Good luck!  His reaction will tell all!



     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Jim-in-Littleton. Show Jim-in-Littleton's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?:
    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites? : That may be the case, but I doubt in those scenarios that the person joining in discussions on those forums is 'favoriting' female posters' profiles.  This is what does it for me - the 'favoriting'.  If the guy is as busy as she says he is, and spends all his time w/ her and his son on alternate weekends, then he isn't going to have time to play around in discussion forums online.  Not at home anyway - I rarely access from home b/c I am busy. I do it during down time at work.  I only accessed my online dating info and profile [before I got married] from home b/c I didn't want my employer to be able to access that info, which they could do if I did it from work.   I would confront the guy w/ what she found. It was in plain sight so she wasn't 'snooping'.  If he has anything to hide, she should be able to tell from his reaction.  I sure as heck would not continue to make plans to move in w/ him until this was cleared up to her satisfaction.
    Posted by ALF72


    IMO, your presumption is a knee-jerk reaction.  How many people do you have listed as "Friends" on here?  Are you planning on dating them? Should your spouse be concerned? ;)

    I "friend" people on here because I enjoy reading their comments and it makes it easy to find their nuggets of wisdom. It just so happens that all of my "Friends " on here happen to be female.  I don't have any intention of dating any of them.  I did the exact same thing on PoF when I frequented their site and pretty much every other discussion forum I've been on over the last 10+ years. (Some sites call them "Friends", others call them "Favorites" or "Followers" but they all amount to the same thing.).

    You access discussion forums from work but it isn't possible that he does the same? You might have been concerned about accessing dating sites but trust me, ask anyone that works in IT and you'll find that there are a whole heck of a lot of people that aren't so concerned about it. Many businesses block those sites specifically because there are so many employees that waste their day away on them.  

    Mind you, I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't have the discussion and resolve things to her satisfaction (she sould!).  But if there *is* actually only one possible reason as you claimed, then why bother having any discussion at all?  I just disagree with your idea that there is only one possible reason for it. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    I don't friend anyone on here or any other site. I think people have asked to be friended so that I can send them information privately. I then send them that information. I don't follow them after that.  I don't use FB or other social media so maybe I'm not in 'the loop', even though I'm only 39.  I would be PO'ed if my DH were on POF or any other site that was really known for being a dating website, even if he were just joining in discussions.  I'd have ripped him a new one the minute I'd found that sheet w/ the passwords.  I still think it's a clear cut case of someone looking for greener pastures. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    Dating websites are for DATING.  If he's been on there recently, he's looking for dates.

    Jim, I usually agree with you, but in this case it's not FB she's talking about, it's POF.  And, if I were her I'd say to myself, "There POF in the sea...bye-bye."
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    how recent is recently? if it was before he asked you to move in, maybe he was getting cold feet or was unsure about things until now. it's hard to tell without knowing much about the situation.

    Tell him you found usernames and passwords for dating sites. See what he says. If he says "I haven't logged onto those in months." then you know he's lying and has something to hide.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Jim-in-Littleton. Show Jim-in-Littleton's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?:
    Dating websites are for DATING.  If he's been on there recently, he's looking for dates. Jim, I usually agree with you, but in this case it's not FB she's talking about, it's POF.  And, if I were her I'd say to myself, "There POF in the sea...bye-bye."
    Posted by kargiver


    And Boston.com is for Boston news yet... it has other aspects too, doesn't it?  What does this Relationships forum have to do with news?

    The mistake is in assuming that PoF is just about finding dates.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    I don't see that assuming dating sites like "Plenty of fish [in the sea]" are for anything other than dating is a mistake.

    The BDC forums might be an avenue for meeting someone, but it's not its charter.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?:
    I don't see that assuming dating sites like "Plenty of fish [in the sea]" are for anything other than dating is a mistake. The BDC forums might be an avenue for meeting someone, but it's not its charter.
    Posted by kargiver

    true, but folks like you and I hang around the wedding boards even though we're not planning a wedding. Sometimes when you become a part of a community, no matter what its intended purpose, you might stick around.

    I still think she should confront him, like I said, if he has something to hide, he'll lie.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdrotten. Show jdrotten's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    If I found out my girlfriend was on PoF, I would be pretty upset.

    I understand Jim's point, but it's like me going to a strip joint and telling my girlfriend I didn't look at the dancers, I just sat at the bar and drank.  Yeaaa, right!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    Planning a wedding isn't something you can do after you're already married.  Dating is something you can do if you have a girlfriend.  Big difference imo.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Jim-in-Littleton. Show Jim-in-Littleton's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?:
    how recent is recently? if it was before he asked you to move in, maybe he was getting cold feet or was unsure about things until now. it's hard to tell without knowing much about the situation. Posted by pinkkittie27



    I'd like to understand this "recently" issue better too.  Did he make these women his "favorites" recently?  And if you think that's the case, I'd be interested in knowing how you came to that conclusion.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from soxygirl123. Show soxygirl123's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    Well, he's either looking for dates OR he's getting jollies just looking at girls. either way -- doesn't bode well for your relationship. i'd be prepared to walk, but ask him about it first, you at least have to hear him out.

    sorry, i'm not buying that he's there for the discussion forums. that's like saying guys go to strip clubs for the beer & read playboy for the articles. ya, sure they do.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    He is cheating "or" is planning on cheating.

    Hit Control+H on his PC to see his site visits for past days, weeks, months.....

    If he's been there,POF etc,. everyday.......move on
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    Comedy of errors?

    If I had asked someone to move in with me I'd have a tidy-up first. Possible he was going through all those old things, saw these ancient profiles he used way back when that he had forgotten about and decided to have one last check-in on them since finding that bit of paper in the back of a drawer to make sure his data was not "active". Had a laugh at how silly his life used to be, even "favorited" a couple of women as a tribute to the insanity of the olden days. Then that was it.
    Paper falls out of the big pile of girly mags on the way to the recycling bin. 

    Possible, yes. Also makes for a humorous movie. Lets see how this movie ends...?
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    In Response to Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?:
    There is no reason for your boyfriend to be looking on DATING sites for friends or otherwise.  Even if he is just favoriting people, that is just another way of bookmarking them to find them quickly at a later point.  You have to confront him on this... ANd when I say confront, do not be conftontational.  Just tell him you need to discuss something with him.  Unfortunately, he will probably lie and say it wasnt him, he was helping a friend, blah blah blah. Good luck with this ...... I have learned one important thing in life, and that is my GUT INSTINCT is right 100% of the time.... 
    Posted by sugarxo


    You must be a multi-millionaire playing the stockmarket and lotteries then. I'd love to have a 100% infallible gut instinct. Who knew it was even mathematically possible? Wow. You should get psychic-tested by MIT. 
     
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  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Why is he looking at online dating sites?

    BW, we might have to dub you Sage III.  The student has become the teacher.
     
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