Charity question

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Dani273. Show Dani273's posts

    Charity question

    Hi. My friend is getting married, it is her 2nd marriage, and they requested no gifts, but rather a donation to the charity of one's choice, which I thought was a wonderful idea. My question is....do I make out the charity donation in their name or mine? Any info would be helpful as their wedding is coming up the end of April.
    Thanks so much!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from tibird. Show tibird's posts

    Re: Charity question

    Is there someone involved that you could ask, maybe the charity itself?

    My best guess would be to make the donation in your name, but in honor of the bride & groom.  Kind of like an "in memory" donation, but I am not sure.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Charity question

    You make the donation in honor of them, so they get a card that says you made a donation in honor of them.

    I make quite a few donations in honor of people's happy times and in memory of their loved ones and this is how its always done.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Charity question

    Make sure you say "in honor of" (like the other posters have said) not "in memory of."  The latter means they've died, but the mistake is common.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Charity question

    Yeah - the reason you want it to come from you is so the bride and groom don't start getting solicited by 200 different charities - especially if you happen to pick a charity they don't agree with (since they didn't give you a list).
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from Dani273. Show Dani273's posts

    Re: Charity question

    Thanks so much everyone! I really appreciate your advice and guidence. You have all helped to clarify this for me, that is wonderful. I always know I can count on the Boston.com group to give me the right answers! :)
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Charity question

    I just wanted to say that I love everything about this thread.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from springandsummer. Show springandsummer's posts

    Re: Charity question

    Ugh.  It is never, ever acceptable to state "no gifts, but make a donation."  Polite people never give gift instructions for an event.  If you choose to give a gift, that is up to the gift giver.  So many assumptions are made now a days that people assume it is good manners. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Charity question

    True.  I actually think saying "no gifts" is rude in any case.  If guests want to refrain from giving gifts because it's a second wedding (or for any reason) it should be their perrogative, not a demand from the couple.

    HOWEVER, the OP is doing the gracious thing and going along with the request.  Kudos to her.  And, as far as rude things go, it's hardly the worst thing on earth.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Charity question

    ugh, I spoke too soon.

    we have no way of knowing whether it was included on the invitation or not. to assume that is rude.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Charity question

    It says "requested" - I don't think it's very nice to request that in any fashion.  But, like I said, the OP is responding properly to it either way, graciously accomodating the request.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: Charity question

    [QUOTE]ugh, I spoke too soon. we have no way of knowing whether it was included on the invitation or not. to assume that is rude.
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]

    Pink, I saw the Miss Conduct blog...crazy!  I knew you'd be posting on this thread.

    I personally don't get offended when a suggestion is made to donate to charity in lieu of a gift (key word there being suggestion; it should never be required).  I understand that it's not proper etiquette, but I don't have a problem with it.  I'm the type of person that doesn't feel right showing up to a wedding/birthday party/etc. without a gift.  Just how I am.  So, I appreciate having a little guidance when it comes to what to give, if anything.  If someone says no gifts, great, then I know I don't have to worry about what to give.  If they suggest a donation instead, fine.  It just makes things easier on me as a guest. 

    Now I'm curious...maybe this is comparing apples to oranges, but how about all those obituaries and death notices that say "in lieu of flowers, a donation can be made to XYZ charity."  I see that all the time.  Is that technically rude, since it implies that people are expected to be sending flowers?
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Charity question

    I don't see that as rude because it's not an implied expectation per person.  It's an implied expectation that someone will give flowers, not every general reader of the paper.  An obituary is published in a paper, not sent to everyone the person knew personally.  It means, "If you, dear reader, were going to give flowers please give to xyz instead."   Not rude.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Charity question

    kar- even if someone calls and asks "where are you registered?" you can't even request it then? that doesn't make sense.

    pugs- great point!

    and really, I would be hard-pressed to be offended if given the option to donate to charity for anything. I would really have to feel pressured, and I don't find a suggestion or request to be pressuring- how would they know whether I gave or not?
    an actual material gift is much more pressure-oriented. The couple will know for sure whether or not you gave anything.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Charity question

    I also feel terrible coming with no gift and I don't appreciate it being dictated to me that I shall not come bearing a gift.  It's hard to make a request like that be a true "suggestion."
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: Charity question

    [QUOTE]I don't see that as rude because it's not an implied expectation per person.  It's an implied expectation that someone will give flowers, not every general reader of the paper.  An obituary is published in a paper, not sent to everyone the person knew personally.  It means, "If you, dear reader, were going to give flowers please give to xyz instead."   Not rude.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Makes sense.  Like I said, I don't feel one way or another about it, it just popped into my head and I was curious.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Charity question

    I always offer to bring something to any party, but I love being told "dont' bring anything"
    it's like music to my cash-strapped ears ;)

    In Response to Re: Charity question:
    [QUOTE]I also feel terrible coming with no gift and I don't appreciate it being dictated to me that I shall not come bearing a gift.  It's hard to make a request like that be a true "suggestion."
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Charity question

    If someone asks "where are you registered," you can certainly say you are hoping for charitable donations instead of gifts.  I wouldn't call that "making a request" of all guests, though.  Although, that's a good point.   I suppose the donation to charity is a registry of sorts.  It's better than "no gifts," but since it doesn't go to them, it's awfully close.  Not a big deal.  I'm slightly more than indifferent about it.

    P.S.  On the other hand, if a couple is registered there's no implication that the gift MUST come from the registery.  It's truly a suggestion.  The request to have charitable donations only implies it's WRONG to give anything but that.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: Charity question

    I did the same thing as Dani's friend. It was my second marriage, we were in our 30's and both had homes full of stuff. I can't remember how we got the word out that if people wanted to spend money, we prefered donations- I think it was mainly word of mouth. To be honest, we did receive a few presents and I ended up giving 98% of them away to GoodWill (the bottles of wine we kept!). I think when a couple has everything they need (or could ever want), it's a nice thing to help those who need it.
    Dani- when you make your donation, you'll be able to add your friend's name ('in honor of') and the charity will (in most cases) send them a note about the donation (but not the amount).
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Charity question

    But the thing I like about this request is that you can give to any charity you like. I feel that's less pushy than "give to x charity".

    I also feel that when something says "donation in lieu of flowers/gift/whathaveyou" that I can safely not donate at all if I really don't feel like it, and no one will be the wiser.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Charity question

    In Response to Re: Charity question:
    [QUOTE]To be honest, we did receive a few presents and I ended up giving 98% of them away to GoodWill (the bottles of wine we kept!).
    Posted by Shortylicious[/QUOTE]

    booze is my go-to off registry item! :) it's one of those luxuries that's great to give if you know the couple will really appreciate it.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from springandsummer. Show springandsummer's posts

    Re: Charity question

    Well spoken, Kargiver.  Not to mention, a wedding is not a fundraiser.  It's okay to have a fundraiser - but just call it that.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Charity question

    but you can't get into a fundraiser unless you donate.
    when asking for donations in lieu of gifts, you're not saying that your guests have to donate or they can't come.
    you're just saying that should they feel they truly have to give soemthing, the couple would really appreciate a donation in their name.
    I went to a birthday party where the person said they'd rather a donation to a breast cancer charity than gifts. I made a $5 donation. No one asked me to prove it and I chose not to print out a note saying I donated. And Lord knows I would ahve spent a lot more than $5 if I'd bought an actual gift.

    I really can't wrap my head around all the resentment people have towards charity these days. You're only being asked, no one is twisting your arm or forcing you. Saying "it's not a fundraiser" puts an ugly face on a nice sentiment that I don't really think is appropriate.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from hockeywife. Show hockeywife's posts

    Re: Charity question

    I don't see what is pushy or rude about this at all!  MOST people would give a gift if invited to a wedding, be it the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd marriage.  For this couple to request no gifts, but to suggest a donation, is quite generous.  I'm fairly certain that if they do receive a gift or gifts, they are hardly likely to throw them in the giver's face!  I think it's a nice way of saying "give something if you like, but we  prefer that you just celebrate our marriage with us" and that is lovely.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Charity question

    It might be a lovely sentiment, but it should be the general sentiment behind any gift giving event, and, if the couple is as gracious about receiving gifts as they should be, it goes without saying.  To specify "no gifts" (no matter how "graciously" it's worded) is rude to guests because most people actually want to give a gift to celebrate the occassion, as per tradition, and "no gifts" makes it going against their wishes to do that.  So, each guest is left with the decision, do I go with their no gift request or do I send one against their wishes?  It's a tough spot to put your guests in...hence it being against classical etiquette.
     

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