date-setting dilemma

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from zenbat. Show zenbat's posts

    date-setting dilemma

    Hello. This is my first post. I am planning a wedding for next June and have found this board very helpful so far. I was wondering if anyone might have some good suggestions for dealing with my first big problem of wedding planning.

    DF and I wanted a Spring wedding, but to try to be accommodating regarding holidays and out-of-towners having to travel to Boston we decided to push the wedding into early June. We picked a date and were ready to sign contracts with our reception venue and for blocks of rooms at hotels reserved. Three weeks prior to us picking a firm date, DF had tried to contact his brother to ask if there are any possible scheduling conflicts. DF's brother did not respond until we had picked a date. Turns out DF's SiL has a conflict. DF's brother said a later weekend in June would be better but if we couldn't change the date it was fine and SiL would come out to join us the day after the wedding. DF checked if our reception venue would be available the date his brother preferred. It wasn't so we stuck to our original date. What was fine with the brother was not fine with DF's mother. She has been twisting his arm/guilting him into changing the date (and if necessary the venue).

    Our reception venue is available the last weekend of June. I really don't want to go that late into June. Not only did I have this silly preference for spring, I do poorly in heat and our ceremony site has no AC. While it would be nice if SiL could make it, she is not close to us and not particularly friendly.

    Should I just cave to future MiL's demand? DF is willing to.

    thanks for "listening"!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    stick to your guns
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    I was all set to say, "early June is spring," but then I kept reading.

    If you gave him the opportunity to object to the date in advance, and he didn't, and you're not actually related to this woman (and neither is your fiance), and you don't really like her - I can't think of a single reason to plan your ENTIRE WEDDING so she can attend.  She's not in the wedding.  You were under no obligation to clear the date with them first, and did it only to be nice.  SIL doesn't mind missing the wedding.  Your FMIL is now asking you to change both the date and the venue for someone who doesn't even care if she makes it or not?  No, way.

    Someone is being unreasonable here, but it isn't you.  Your SIL will join the celebration later - that's fine. 

    There are ladies in this board who will tell you that, if you let her, your MIL will walk all over you for the rest of her life.  It sounds like you should have a nice, long talk with Pugs.

    Whatever happens, good luck.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Hi Zen,

    Like Lucy said, I'm a great person to talk to about MIL issues like this one!  I let my MIL be involved in our wedding planning and allowed her to do things I wasn't crazy about just so she'd be happy, and that was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

    Like the last two posters said, stick to your guns!  It is ridiculous that she expects you to change all your plans to accomodate one person, especially one that you don't even really get along with.  Completely unreasonable.  And like Lucy said, you cave to your MIL this time, she's going to try to walk all over you forever.

    I think a bigger problem for you is the fact that you and your FI are not on the same page.  That's going to be a tough one if he's willing to let her have her way and you're not.  I'd recommend you sit down with your FI, explain to him why you want to stick to your original date and what a headache it will be for the both of you to change everything now.  Hopefully you two can come to some sort of agreement. 

    Also, if you and FI don't put up a united front with your MIL, she'll start playing you two against each other.  If she doesn't get the answer she wants from one of you, she'll try to get it from the other.  Just make sure you're both always on the same page and she'll never be able to pull that with you.  That's something DH and I are still working on...  Wink
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Zen - there will always, always, ALWAYS be someone unhappy about something to do with your wedding - and it will usually be somebody's mother.  You and your fiance should decide together what you want to do so that your wishes are clearly understood with each other first, then you can provide a unified front (in this matter, and any future matter).  However I think in this case your fiance should be the one to tell the mom that you are sticking with your original date.


     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    I just want to reiterate what everyone else said:  you are not being unreasonable.  You have your venue and date picked out, don't like your MIL make you feel bad to change it.  Have a talk with your FI.  AFterall, SIL isn't even upset about not being able to make it!  So why is MIL?  Just book the date you want and tell her firmly but nicely that you are not changing it.  Afterall, if there is no AC, not only you but all your guests may be uncomfortable in later June!  (I hate the heat too!)  You will never find a date that works for everyone, so go with the date you want.

    Good luck!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Hi Zen! Welcome and congratulations!

    Let me stress something very important: IT'S YOUR WEDDING! If you are happy with your date and you are ok with SIL not attending, keep your date. You can't make everyone happy, so just worry about making yourself happy. We didn't ask a single person when we picked our date. Sometimes there are conflicts. My BIL is getting married the same night as one of our other groomsmen and our other SIL's husband is in a destination wedding that weekend, but what can you do? We're sucking it up and going to BIL's wedding (family first and all) and BIL #2 is going to miss it. Everyone is sad about it, but what can you do? These things happen.

    Listen to Pugs though. You and DF need to talk about this and get on the same page. If it's really important to him that SIL attends and his family is happy, then that is something you have to consider. Not because that's what FMIL wants, but because that's what he wants. But you also need to talk about what's important to you and where your needs rank in terms of his mom. You're about to be his wife. Your needs are pretty important. It's a tough balance because he's spent his whole life trying to make his mother happy and now he has to adjust to what's best for you and him as a couple. We've all had crazy in-law issues and weddings tend to bring out the worst in people in that respect. Please please please talk to DF and make sure that you both have what's best for you as a couple at the forefront of your decision making. Not just with the wedding, but always! In-law relations is something that won't go away, so if you can address it first, do so. (Don't do what I did, which was lose my #!%#^ with his family 10 days before the wedding and nearly call it off. Address your issues early.)
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    You gave them the chance to object to the date before you selected it.  They didn't get back to you in a timely fashion, so tough.  If the brother is okay w/ it [and the SIL too apparently], then just stick to your guns w/ the date.  Yes, you and your FI need to present a united front to his mother. It may help if your FI lets his mom know that his brother is okay w/ the date as is.  AND that you gave them the chance to voice concerns about the date before you booked but that they never got back to you until it was too late.  GL.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Agree with everyone else--especially about presenting a united front to your FMIL. Seriously, someone will always not like the little appetizer baguettes or think the ceremony starts too early or too late or blah blah blah. Don't worry about it. 

    You gave BIL every chance to opine on the date of the wedding, and he didn't. Changing a wedding date after putting down deposits is a HUGE deal that people who haven't done it don't understand. 

    Tell whomever is involved that you can't change the date (just make sure your FI is on board with that decision).
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Don't want to repeat what everyone else already said, but welcome to the boards!!  Congratulations on your engagement!

    Don't let your FMIL make issues where there are none.  SIL is fine with not coming... you are fine with her not being there... there is NO issue!  What does SIL have to do that is so important?
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    welcome to the boards.  one thing you're going to notice quickly, if you  haven't already in the planning process is that you're not going to please everyone, and you shouldn't have to..

    as a previous poster said, ITS YOUR DAY.  have YOUR wedding YOUR way! 

    when I was planning I had to tell more people to (insert explative here) off more times than I care to remember..
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from zenbat. Show zenbat's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Thanks all for the warm welcome and advice. :)

    I think this is just a lose-lose situation. FI will stick with me on date if I insist, but if his immediate family is pissed off and he's upset about that, it's no great victory.


     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Do they understand that it can be very expensive to change the date once you've signed a contract and booked a venue?  Because that's a huge part of it.  Weddings are expensive enough without just throwing money away.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from zenbat. Show zenbat's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Fortunately our reception site was very understanding so we didn't lose money. This  would be somewhat less galling if we had least gotten a "thank you" for making the change! I suspect FMIL was upset with choice of reception location and lack of a Catholic ceremony, maybe her "win" on this will placate her. Hey, I can hope, right? Tongue out
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Well, guess I can't add anything new, but in case you're still upset, here's another vote for "you can't please everyone."  Be reasonably kind and considerate while looking out for your own needs (don't forget to be kind and consideratate to yourself!) and let the chips fall where they may.  Some chips always fall on someone's shoulder.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Welcome to the boards! 


    Honestly, no one wants to attend a late June wedding with no a/c.  That's just guaranteed misery for everyone. 


    You don't say what SIL's conflict is.  A national board exam, another wedding, a pedicure?


    Your FI needs to explain to his mother that you gave his brother plenty of opportunity to let you know, and you booked the place based on his answer.  You are SO SORRY that your FSIL won't be able to attend but will look forward to having brunch with her the following day.  His mom needs to be understanding and not get all into the drama. 

    Remember, there is no such thing as one-sided drama, so just don't feed into it.  (ha!  easier said than done, I know!)


     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    zen,
    what is so important to your FSIL, that she cannot attent your wedding at the date you picked? Is she scheduled for surgery, delivering a baby, have to attend an immediate family member's funeral? Nothing else could be THAT important, she cannot attend her husband's brother's wedding. (Of course a pedicure, as Cos suggested LOL).
    Like the rest of the posters I say: Keep the date you have selected and stick to your guns.
    Wedding planning is tough. There are always so many suggestions and opinions and you seem to be a nice person, trying to accomodate all. But that is just not possible. Your FSIL sounds like a trouble maker (sorry).
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    Zenbat, did you end up booking the last weekend in June?

    This reminds me of something I learned during the planning process - don't ask for input unless you're sure you need or want it!  It was really nice of you to check with others to see if the date worked for them, but not always necessary.  I only checked with our parents.  I also considered the time of year since I have many friends (including MOH) who are teachers.  It's impossible to choose a date that works for every single person on the guest list so you can only do so much!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from zenbat. Show zenbat's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    FSiL works for a non-profit and one of their big events for the year is on the former wedding date. Why it took FBiL three weeks to pass on this info is beyond me. I can understand FSiL not wanting to miss it. Both FBiL and FSiL were understanding and didn't insist on a change if it would be difficult to do. It was FMiL that insisted on changing the date.

    Now I'm trying to figure out how to stop being mad about this! FI seems to think he's planning a family reunion, not a wedding.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from 1stTimeMom90709. Show 1stTimeMom90709's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    DO NOT CHANGE IT!  We changed our date from Sept. to June at the request of my MIL and FIL to accomodate my husband's cousins who had school/sports related things in September.  Two of those cousins ended up not coming anyway.  Don't change it for people especially when you gave them the chance to object and they didn't until it was too late.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: date-setting dilemma

    just wanted to echo what everyone else said. Stick to your guns and everything will work out.

    I had pressure form the in-laws to change our date because DH's cousin would be graduating from college that afternoon. We just told everyone that our wedding was in the evening and if they couldn't make it due to the graduation, we'd understand. Everyone came anyways, even the new graduate.
     
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