How to choose your attendants

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    How to choose your attendants

    http://media.offbeatbride.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Wedding-Party-Flowchart.jpg

    amazing flowchart courtesy of off beat bride.

    Wish I could post it here, but it's simply too big.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    I see under "Why are you considering this person?" there's no option for "because you think you have to"...  That's probably a sign right there.  Cool
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    In Response to Re: How to choose your attendants:
    [QUOTE]I see under "Why are you considering this person?" there's no option for "because you think you have to"...  That's probably a sign right there. 
    Posted by lucy7368[/QUOTE]

    yup, and that's why there's another arrow that goes straight down to "disappointment is hard, sit down with the person and explain your reasons..."
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Hahah, this is awesome! 

    However, I think if the reason is not "to stand beside/with you on your wedding day" you should consider hiring a wedding planner rather than asking your friends. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    That's great!  wish I had it when I was choosing... I would have chosen differently.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    In Response to Re: How to choose your attendants:
    [QUOTE]Hahah, this is awesome!  However, I think if the reason is not "to stand beside/with you on your wedding day" you should consider hiring a wedding planner rather than asking your friends. 
    Posted by trex509[/QUOTE]

    I think that's why it eventually leads down to the possibility that they might not do what they need to do so well. If you think you'd never be able to forgive the person if they didn't come through, maybe you just shouldn't ask them.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ilovebeagles. Show ilovebeagles's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Ugh, I wish I had had this, or at least listened to my own brain a little more when choosing my attendants.

    I did the whole "because I have to" thing, and then didnt ask any other friends because I knew how difficult this one bridesmaid would be.

    Long story short - we are no longer friends, and I had to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid.

    On the plus side, I did not have to be part of her wedding, which I heard from my other friends who is a bridesmaid, is a total and expensive nightmare

    It all works out for a reason!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from augustbride20. Show augustbride20's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    I already want to kick my maid of honor out...thank GOD I have two...

    but that is literally the longest story EVER....
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    In Response to Re: How to choose your attendants:
    [QUOTE]I already want to kick my maid of honor out...thank GOD I have two... but that is literally the longest story EVER....
    Posted by augustbride20[/QUOTE]

    Please feel free to share :o)
    (This is Peonie, right?)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    I don't think you can really win any way you look at that chart in some situations.  If you choose someone you really want, (i.e my friend the ditched MOH) the friendship can change and you regret the decision and kick her out 3wks before the wedding.  You can do the "because I have to route" and get someone who doesn't want to be there and resents you(the bride) for it and causes trouble the entire time by not doing what is asked.  You can choose people and their schedules are more hectic than yours so you end up doing everything yourself and resent them for it.  I chose all family and so far it has worked out really well.  I do have one cousin who I didn't choose but she's still a part of the wedding and she's still not happy.  You just can't win no matter what sometimes.  You as the bride just have to find a way to look past it and focus on you and your hubby to be and have the best day that the two of you planned. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from augustbride20. Show augustbride20's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Hi Fram...yes it is!
    It would honestly take like a week to tell this story.

    Long of the short, and I will try to tell this without sounding selfish, but my mom, other MOH, bridesmaids, fiance, the people I nanny for...pretty much everyone else in my life agrees with me:

    My best friend from college and I always had this thing where we just assumed we would be each others MOH's because neither one of us have sisters (I also have a best friend from HS, who is my Matron), anyway, we both met guys literally within a week of each other, dated them for 2 years. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and it was a really bad breakup, and I was there for her 100%, not going to go into that though, then 2 weeks later, my boyfriend proposed to me. So, anyway, over the last 7+ months, she has been extremely jealous, pessimistic, negative towards me, my wedding (and I BARELY talk to her about it), teases me constantly about it (making comments about how I should join boot camp, etc), constantly complains about how she is going to be alone forever, wants to kill herself, etc., cancels on me last minute. Me and my other MOH were supposed to go visit my bridesmaid in NYC for a fun weekend and she called me the night before saying she wasn't going to go because she "didn't wan to be around wedding talk." Just so you know, we didn't even talk about my wedding. Oh and she tries to find negative things about my fiance, but really, there isn't...I mean there are (obv), but nothing she would know about on the outside.

    I could honestly go on and on and on.

    It's a very hard situation. I know she is going thru a hard time, but she is 29, and everytime I try to help her thru this breakup (which happened 7 months ago), she flips out one me, yells at me, hangs up the phone, then calls me back, tells me I have never been thru this (I have), then tells me she wants to die...

    Sigh....

    P.S. she claims she is in therapy...oh and she has been lying to be constaintly...because I have caught her in OODLES of lies....

    She is also stalking her ex on FB, and her exes new GF...she is starting to scare me....she is a completely changed person.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Yikes, Peonie I don't blame you if you ask her to step down.  Even if you don't, she needs to understand she is NOT being a good friend.  She needs to be part of your wedding happily, or not at all. 

    Sorry to be blunt with an opinion, but I have very little patience for this type of behavior that lasts months and months past the breakup.  It's doing her no good to act this way - she is not helping herself get past it.  Don't let her ruin your wedding experience.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    You know, I was all about saying that I understand where she's coming from... and I do, mostly... but I don't understand her behavior.  I mean, you can't help you feel, but you can help how you react to it. 

    I can only imagine that it was quite a shock to have her (rather devastating, from the sound of it) break-up followed almost immediately by news of your engagement - especially when you started dating at the same time. That's not your fault, though.  She shouldn't take it out on you.  She should sit at home, cry, complain to her other friends, eat lots of ice cream and, when the time comes to be a friend, she should stand up with you with a smile on her face.

    The whole thing is so sad.  I'm sorry for both of you.  I hope you can work it out.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    I stand by my original comment.  You should only choose people who you want to be with you on the day of your wedding.  Not because you want or expect them to DO anything.  I think a lot of the issues people have with their wedding party is due to a mismatch in expectations.  If you don't have any expectations of them (to help, throw you parties, etc, etc), then you won't be disappointed if they don't do anything and you will be happily surprised if they do.

    I can't imagine what someone could do to justify kicking them out of the wedding party.  It would have to be pretty serious, like hitting on the groom.  The only other issue I can see if bridesmaids who may be jealous of you getting married.  But in that case, you just have to be understanding that it is not about you, it is about them and let it go.

    EDIT:  Haha, I posted the above before Peonie's post came up.  Sorry!

    Peonie:  while I realize this situation really stinks for you, you have to realize she is in a really bad place right now and it is not about you.  She is being selfish for not being able to see past her own jealousy/depression.  But there is not much you can do about it other than try to have a mutual friend talk to her about it.  You probably can't help her because you are just a reminder of everythign bad that has happened to her recently.  So my advice is to do your best to ignore her.  Try to include her in what you have to, but if she isn't up for it, you just have to understand that she's unfortunately in a place where her own self-pity is preventing her from realizing she's being a lousy friend.  If you just don't let it get to you, she'll only be hurting herself.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from augustbride20. Show augustbride20's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    I completely understand what all three of you are saying. However, there is a HUGE back story to this that I'm not going to go into. He was a very mean man to her, and the way her broke up was horendous, i.e. leaving her with the apartment rent on her own and other finances...

    Anyway, I have spent countless hours, and I mean hours talking with her, spending time with her, doing everything I possibly can to help her thru this. Researching therapists, support groups, hanging out with just her on weekends, etc.

    Anyway....it's fine...I won't ask her to step down, I feel like that only would make things one thousand times worse. I might, however, ask her is SHE wants to step down if this is just not the right time for her right now.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    That stinks Peonie and it is nice of you to try to help her.  But you can't help someone who doesn't want help, and it kind of sounds like that's the case here.  You also can't take on too much of another person's problems because then you end up resenting them for not dealing with it the way you want them to or the way you would.  

    I think it might be a good idea to ask her *very* nicely:  "i realize that my wedding is probably pretty hard for you.  if it would be easier for you to just be a guest rather than my MOH, I will understand".  As long as you don't think that would upset her even more.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    If you ask her if she wants to step down, she may take it as you saying that you want her to step down and get upset, anyway.

    The only thing I can really say is that your wedding is a year away.  A lot can happen in a year.  She's got a lot of time to wallow and get over it, then pull herself together.  I hope she does.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from augustbride20. Show augustbride20's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Me too, Lucy.

    Trex, that is awful about your friend. It is so frustrating when you see someone making poor decisions and you can't do anything about it.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Trex, since she mentioned the problem to you, is there any way you can offer to help?  Some sort of "DH and I have been spending too much, too - maybe we could spend the evening together preparing budgets?"

    I don't know.  I'm always happy to tell other people what to do.  I mean, what's the point of knowing everything if you can't share the knowledge?  Sure, they don't appreciate it, but I just chalk it up to being misunderstood. ;)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Ah, yes, sounds like there's a lot more to this story. I'm sure you're handling it the best way it can be handled, Peonie. 

    It struck a chord with me because a very similar thing happened to me, but the shoe was on the other foot.  I was dating a guy for 5 years.  My friend was dating a guy for 5 years.  Both guys said they would never get married (for different reasons).  My story ended with a bad break-up.  Her story ended with a ring.  Literally within 1 week of each other.  She then asked me to be a bridesmaid.  I went through mixed emotions about all of it, but made an effort to not make it about me and enjoy the wedding, and it actually helped me through that difficult time.  I can't imagine ever indicating the bride was fat by joking that she should get to "boot camp".  I just don't want you to be abused!  :)
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    oh, I forgot your wedding is almost a year away!  Yeah, I'd definitely wait, leave her alone for a bit (you can do any wedding stuff with your other MOH/BMs).  She'll probablyl snap out of it before the wedding.

    RE: my friend, it isn't that bad. In fact, I'm going to delete that part since if she ever saw this, she'd recognize my avatar and I would hate for her to feel bad about it.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from augustbride20. Show augustbride20's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Poppy, good for you. It must be REALLY hard to go thru something like that, but you were the stronger person by being there for your friend.

    And, if I am fat being a size 8, then, I don't know. Maybe I do need boot camp.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    oh, Peonie- that stinks! Depression changes people. The fact that he was mean to her and left her in a such a terrible way probably only makes her feel worse about it (how could I be so stupid! did I deserve this? what if I can't of any better than him). She's clearly not in a healthy place, and she can't even treat herself right, so she's definitely not thinking about how her behavior is affecting other people. She also might be trying to self-destruct. Pushing her close friends away, isolating herself, and thereby allowing herself to fall further into depression. Her fixation with her ex is also very telling. She wants to see him fail, or be unhappy sot hat she'll feel better about feeling the way she does. But what she doesn't know is that living well is the best revenge.

    I agree that since your wedding is a year off, let it alone and see if it gets better. You don't really have to make a decision until you get to the "no turning back" point, like buying bridesmaid dresses or something.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    Good luck Peonie!  (How confusing for any newbies :o)
    I had some BM issues and considered asking her not to stand with me after all, but not nearly as bad.  I think you both need some space for a little while before you ask if she wants to step down, since the wedding is far away.  Something to consider, though, before they start planning the shower (if applicable) or buying the dress.

    P.S.  Oh the horror - size 8!!  I fluctuate from 4 to 8, depending on my weight and the store.  I can't tell you how many times people have said, Nooooo you're not an 8!  Seriously, how is that a compliment?  I am an 8 and there is nothing wrong with it.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Rapunzel41. Show Rapunzel41's posts

    Re: How to choose your attendants

    In Response to Re: How to choose your attendants:
    [QUOTE] P.S.  Oh the horror - size 8!!  I fluctuate from 4 to 8, depending on my weight and the store.  I can't tell you how many times people have said, Nooooo you're not an 8!  Seriously, how is that a compliment?  I am an 8 and there is nothing wrong with it.
    Posted by framerican51008[/QUOTE]

    Heh.  I'm a 16 and there's nothing wrong with that either.  :-P
     
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