Just for discussion

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from lilyanna79. Show lilyanna79's posts

    Just for discussion

    I'm sure many of you heard this during your wedding planning (and if you didn't, then welcome!) When people found out we were getting married at least half of the people we know said "just elope" or "have a small wedding"  or for those who knew my family well (it's a weird and completely amazing tradition in our family for the parents to offer the bride and groom their choice of the wedding or the money the wedding would have cost in cash) "take the money and runaway".

    The other half said "have the wedding! it's worth it!" or "have a big wedding, it's so much fun" or "wedding are worth the memories".

    My fiance and I have gone back and forth on this about 20 million times since we started planning the wedding. It would certainly be nice to have the money, but also we know this is the only time in our lives in particular that we will have an event like this and we've both always really enjoyed weddings. We thought we were in the "worth the memories" group. I mean money comes and goes right? Even though our wedding is only a few months away now, we are still going back and forth. We are still within our timeframe to cancel with our venue and occassionally we stop and say to each other "maybe we should just runaway?"

    It's an interesting question. I'm just curious what you all would do if you were to be in the lucky position of being offered a wedding or cash?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Winter2011Bride. Show Winter2011Bride's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    If you don't have the wedding that you want you may look back and regret the decision that you made.  Would you lose money at this point by cancelling (the dress, deposits, etc.)?

    I personally don't know what I would do as DH and I paid for our wedding ourselves, but it was the wedding both of us wanted and the day was filled with wonderful memories. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    I was offered both. I opted for the wedding.  We did not have a big blowout but I know we both would have been disappointed if we didn't have some kind of celebration w/ family. 

    We also are able to make ends meet. If you have money problems or are short of cash, then maybe you'll make a different decision, but we both have good earing potential so we were not harming our financial future by opting for a wedding.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    I'm in the "have the wedding" camp too. I got a ton of this before my planning, during my planning, and now. You're right. The money will come and the money will go so celebrate now while you can! Laughing
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    I'm definitely in the "have the wedding" camp. I have so many wonderful memories from that day and really enjoyed collecting all of my closest friends and family in one place. The photos I have from that day are also very special to me.

    Our down payment on the house came from a lawsuit I won from having been in a car accident...but I don't recommend getting drilled by a careless driver to lock that down. Surprised

    I think there are a lot of variables that go into your decision; chief among them, as ALF said, is your financial situation.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    We both wanted a wedding and would have chosen it over cash.  We did keep it small (80) and wish we could do it again with everything as it was.  Well, we wouldn't have had a friend take the photos, but that's the only change we'd make. :)

    Congrats on your engagement and welcome to the boards!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    I had my first bridal melt-down yesterday (first one since December, not bad right?) because some of the planning wasn't going smoothly and we comtemplated canceling and heading to the courthouse. After weighing all options, and seeing how much time and money we've already sunk into this, in the end we both agreed having the wedding was ultimately what we wanted.

    I honestly stopped listening to everyone's comments because they say these comments not with you in mind, but with their own experience looming over their heads. Same thing with my friends who have children...the ones who love parenting say it's worth it, and the ones who struggle with their roles always say don't have kids. I know what's best for me, and that's what I'm going to do.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from sullysgirl. Show sullysgirl's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

         I have to say I agree with Robin39.  Do the Vegas drive thru and put the money towards a home down payment.  If you really want a wedding do something really small and put the rest of the money toward a house.  Never in your life will you have another opportunity for cash like that as a gift. 
         We had a wedding which was spectacular.  We enjoyed every second of it, paid for it completely ourselves and never regretted it but 10+ years later we realize it would have been great to have some cash to jump start our lives together.  Knowing what I know now, if I had the chance to do it again I would have either eloped or done something small (50 people) and plunked the money we would have spent on something more elaborate on a house.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    In Response to Re: Just for discussion:
    [QUOTE]Do the Las Vegas drive-thru,  and use the money toward a down payment on your first home.    Just my opinion.
    Posted by Robin39[/QUOTE]

    I have a close friend and her fiance who did exactly that (and sent a photo as proof!), and they were thrilled they did it that way - no regrets whatsoever.

    Like Kinga has been learning the hard way, everyone has to do what's right for them. For us, a wedding was awesome, for others the Vegas drivethrough is totally the way to go.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    elope

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    I'm all for having the wedding.  I loved every minute of mine and don't regret any of the money spent on it. We used money received as wedding gifts towards our down payment on our first house. I will say that we were able to do the wedding without going into debt (the cost was split by us and our parents).  We have friends that went into a significant amount of debt when planning their wedding and I think they would suggest you take the money and runaway. 

    We were given a similar option by my ILs; however, they told us months into the planning when my parents had already put down several deposits.  At that point it wasn't even a consideration, actually it was hurtful. I was told "that I was being selfish for wanting a wedding and I should have taken the money that they were willing to spend and save it." Nice, right? To each their own.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Dani273. Show Dani273's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    I am going to throw my opinion in too and hopefully add a new perspective to all of this.......I have been married for 16 years now.  My parents paid for my wedding and therefore, I had to have their approval on alot of the things that I did. However, I was also very young and went right from living with my parents into living with my husband once I married.The things I had planned with my parents for my wedding was not everything that I may have chosen, if I were paying for it on my own and because my husband and I both had a huge family and my parents invited some of their closest friends my guest list was at 315 people.  297 people attended.  We were very limited to where a wedding of this size could be held so I had very few choices in where to have it. Looking back, I realize now that it was not the dress, the cake the Dj or even the food that had made my wedding what it was.....it was the memories of having everyone that was important in our lives sharing a very special moment in my life and my husband's.  Taking alot of pictures...(yes, I had the ever popular disposable camera at every table) and I had a regular photographer and videographer, we were able to capture the special moments of this important day and that is what I treasure the most.  Without sounding too morbid, we have lost about 30 people now that were guests at our wedding as time has gone by and it is wonderful to see them alive again, laughing, sharing and dancing through photos and videos and being able to share it all with my children so they could see what it was like, and certain relatives, friends and just very special people that they never would have met or heard speak if we did not have the wedding that I had. My oldest son can see that he has my uncle Lester's laugh and that my youngest one can see he has uncle Fred's walk, Auntie Marion's love of dance.......our best friend John dancing with his mother for the very last time before cancer took her less than 6 months later. What it all boiled down to is creating special memeories of a very special day that can never be recreated again and seeing all your loved ones in a happy celebratory way. To me, it makes it worth every penny, every sacrifice and every meltdown that you may have along the way, because this moment will never come again. Time changes things. People die, people move, I have gained weight, my husband has lost his hair.......we are older. My kids still laugh when they look at pictures and see my husband with a full head of hair. My oldest son looks longingly at his favorite Auntie Hulda that passed away when he was just 12 years old. He misses her, but takes comfort in seeing her smile in the many photos I have of her. These things are priceless and I know that my own sons cherish them and will pass down these photos and videos to thier children and maybe even their grandchildren long after we are gone. They are proof of life's happy moments, where we lived, loved and celebrated together as a family, even if it was for just one day, one moment in time.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    I really think Dani (above) hit on some really important things.

    Also, one reason for having a wedding is that Christian and Jewish weddings have the implication that there is a covenant with the congregation, friends and family to help the couple along in their new life and to do nothing to hinder them. In that sense a wedding is not just a big party. You are married and make your covenant to each other in the presence of the larger community and the community makes a covenant with this new family in thier midst.

    If the reason you are doubting having the wedding is because you are tired, frustrated, over-worked and anxious then please pause and think before cancelling. Weddings are joyous occasions but they require a lot of work and a lot of patience. In some ways this is a model for how the two of you will handle tough situations and in-law issues in the future. Work together and don't give up if having a wedding is your dream.

    If you really don't want the wedding, then, of course, you can cancel it.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    you can "elope" and still incorporate everything stated - set up the rabbi/minister, photographer, invite your very closest friends and family over for dinner and do it
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    jEnvie has a great point, too. Mr. GMV and I didn't want a large wedding for a number of reasons. We were married at home by a Justice of the Peace, with another couple as witnesses. Then we all went out for a nice lunch. They went home and the two of us went for a game of mini-golf on the way home. We invited family, friends and colleagues to an afternoon reception for about a month later.

    You can tailor the wedding to be what you want it to be. It doesn't have to be the big big wedding. If you spend, say, $5000 on a small wedding and follow-on barbeque, the rest will be there for a down-payment on a house.

    If you don't have the Big Wedding, though, you probably shouldn't have the Big Registry. A few folks will ask your parents what you want for gifts, so you need to register, but don't necessarily expect china, flatware and so on.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    Ok, this might sound obnoxious but it's just the facts... You might be able to do the big wedding and still end up with cash wedding gifts that are equivalent to the cost of the wedding.  I don't know what the norm is, as I don't discuss that kind of thing with my friends, but we ended up with about as much money in gifts as the wedding cost. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lilyanna79. Show lilyanna79's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    Poppy- not to be "that type" either but we did think about that. It is a fact that people bring gifts to a wedding so I do not think it is wrong to consider them when you are thinking about financial benefits vs. emotional benefits of a wedding. However our wedding is costing about $28,000.  We know that we will not get that back in gifts. Even if each couple gifted us a $100, which is a lot for family and friends and will not happen, it would not be close $28,000. But after reading all these responses the last few days the only one that really touched us was Dani's. Dani-you are so right about lost family members. And if I did not get to have my father walk me down the aisle and with me dance in front of our families it would be something I would regret for the rest of my life. Right now we have decided to go with the wedding and hope we both get better paying jobs someday. You can always earn money, you can not rebuild memories when people are gone.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    There is no way I would have gotten married without my closest friends and family.  I could physically feel all the love and support in the room during the ceremony.  It was the best part of the whole day! 

    I think it's important to keep wedding expenses as reasonable as possible; don't fall for the industrial-wedding-complex propaganda about all your must-haves.  Decide what's most important to you and do without other things, or downgrade.

    Remember, too, that at some point during wedding planning, almost all brides have an "OMG, let's just elope!" moment.  

    Your wedding is one of the few things in life you don't get a do-over for.   (ya, ya, I know all about those "vow renewals" that are really do-over weddings, but don't get me started!) 

    P.S.  Hi to all you "old timers" that wrote in on this post.  Good to see ya! 

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    wedding planning only has to be as stressful as you let it. Look at it like you're throwing a party where you just happen to be getting married. That's what I did. There were stressful times, but no more stressful than if I had been putting together any event for more than 100 people. It's not the most important day of your life, it doesn't have to be perfect. If you focus on making it fun for yourself and your guests, it will be unforgettable.

    Now, I wouldn't have gotten the cash if I hadn't had a wedding, but even if it were offered I probably would have opted for the wedding anyways. To this day people still tell me what a good time they had. It was totally worth it for me.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Dani273. Show Dani273's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    Lillyanna79
    Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am so happy that you could understand my point of view. The one last thing that I would like to add is that as time marches on, you will cherish the memories even more. I wish you all the best and hope that what ever you decide for your wedding it will  always be something that you and your spouse can reflect on warmly for the rest of your lives.  Good luck to you both and thanks again!!!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    Dani and Lilianna,

    We will lose my beloved older sister in a few months to breast cancer. I will treasure the events we shared with her and we'll be looking at the pictures often. Her only grandchild is only a year old and he'll grow up seeing the pix from the Jamaica wedding, with my sister as dolled up as one can be, truly a beautiful mother of the bride.

    If you want the wedding, have it. Money is not the only reason for decision-making...and lots of my friends were brought up in rented apartments and they are totally well-educated and have great careers and have had good stable families of their own. It's the basic values that are important.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Dani273. Show Dani273's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    GMV
    Oh, I am so sorry about your sister! That is very sad. I am sure that you will be a great source of comfort to your family and have some great stories to tell them about her.  Please know that although I do not know you, you and your family will be in my prayers tonight.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Just for discussion

    in my case, we did have the wedding planned & paid for...just to lose my sister on our original wedding date thanks to a drunk driver...

    my thoughts are mixed.  we were specific as to what we wanted and how we envisioned our day.  we paid for our wedding ourselves, and we both agreed we wanted our families minus the kids.  we also po'd several relatives who we didn't invite because of either behavior @ previous family functions, or we hadn't seen in quite some time.    

    we would have loved to have my sister there..however we are greatful to the 12 relatives who were there when we did get married who have since passed
     
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