My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from boborinio. Show boborinio's posts

    My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    I have never liked big weddings; although I have been to many large weddings it's always been the small informal ones I liked best.  When we first started planning, we talked about a casual wedding, small guest list, etc.  Then my partners family got involved (we are paying for this).  Now we have 170 people, large hall, video, musicians, dj, photographers and a wedding script of where we are supposed to be at what time; everything I have never liked about weddings all rolled into one.  Just thinking about being there depresses me....   I have always dreamed of a small romantic wedding and now I am involved in a show.  We are not having a honemoon (we both used up our vacation time during company shutdowns) and are returning to work 2 days after the wedding.  I can't think of a more unromantic weekend.  I am seriously regretting this.  Has anyone experienced similar feelings? 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    When is it?   Is a lot of money committed to it yet?

         My first husband and I planned a small wedding  when graduating college, before friends scattered, close to closest family.  What was once a congregational church, now rented out, and a walk across the village common to an Inn restaurant for a 3 hour dinner.  Everything we wanted, and we had set aside money to pay for it, and to spend the summer camping and hiking.

         Our mothers met and formed an unholy alliance- next thing we knew, while we were studying for exams, they sprung the good news on us- 3 weeks before they canceled our venue and dinner (and someone else booked them !).  The surprise - each family had come up with 25-30 K so we could have a big fancy wedding.  The next spring or summer.   World War III ensued.  We did not want it, not any of it, never our dreams.  We had had a 3 month engagement and wanted the wedding then, not in a year.
         We married in a courthouse in Colorado, with spirea, cherry and dogwood branches in bloom cut from their hedges, in our hiking boots, with a nice skirt and blouse for me and him in shorts and a T shirt.  Sorry, Mom and Mom.

         We had felt so trapped.  Just the idea of this huge affair. 
         Does your partner really want this, or family?
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    Awww sorry to hear about your feelings.  If it makes you feel any better, there are definitely others out there who have felt the same!!  I'm sure you will hear from some of them here.  The weekend might not be all you hoped for, but the 50 years after that will be :o)
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    Is there any way you can tell your parent(s) that this is not what you want? I mean, your own wedding shouldn't depress you. Although if they already have everything lined up, are you afraid of losing a lot of money? And why didn't you and your partner say anything? I honestly feel like if they are in a way forcing you to have this huge wedding, then they should be the ones to pay for it.

    Maybe you could have a smaller, more intimate ceremony before the reception? With just you and your partner a couple of other people, that way it could feel more intimate to you?
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    I like what Fra said.  The bottom line is this...we all dream of what we think our ideal wedding day will be, but the real dream we want to come true is wonderful partnership with the love of our lives.  Whatever your wedding day ends up being, the end result will be the same...you get to pledge forever to your sweetheart.

    What does your partner want?  Are your differences with him/her or are you two agreeing and differing with the family and he/she is just going along?

    I started out wanting a small wedding--country inn sort of thing, or my real dream, 10 people in the Rabbi's study--but in the end we had the kind of wedding you are describing.  My husband would have been happy to go to city hall, just us!  It was really my mother's doing.  She loves to plan a party, I have a decent sized family, and a bunch of friends that I probably could have celebrated without but in the end was happy to share the day with.  Of course, my mother was paying, so that made it easier.  Just to add a bit of a tearjerker, she had just finished her second round of treatment for leukemia.  In the end I really did love celebrating with those people and seeing my mother enjoy the fruits of her labor, but the most important thing I got was what I would have gotten in a ceremony at city hall...to marry my husband!  Eighteen years and two kids later, my mother passed away 12 years now--my heart still skips a beat when I look at him and realize he's mine.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    It may not be the romantic moment you hoped for, but Fram is right, it's the romance of being together forever joined in marriage that is the real focus of any wedding. 

    However, that being said, have you made your feelings known?  Is it really too late to change things to be the way you dreamed?  I'd think that a few lost deposits might be worth it.

    It stinks you can't have a honeymoon right away, but that doesn't mean you won't have one.  The wedding is just the beginning of your marriage.  Go on your honeymoon during next year's company shutdowns!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    Can't you talk to your FI and say that this has spun way out of control and it's not what you want.   Of course, if you have already put deposits down everywhere then it might be a little late -- but maybe not.  Think about what would happen if you had to cancel the wedding for some other reason.  It might be very possible.  If it's not, you can take it as a life lesson that you will have to be less passive in the future when there are big decisions being made....i.e. kids, buying a house, etc.

    And, if you happen to be the groom whose bride has planned the wedding around him, you're not alone.  So sorry!!!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    If the invitations have not been mailed, it is not too late to reorganize.

    What is the timeline? 

    If there is time, just tell the planners what you told us - and start over.  If you are too late, please relax and enjoy the day.  After all, you will be surrounded by people who love you!!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    hi bob - have you talked in length to your partner about this?  from your post, it sounds like maybe your partner (not sure if "he" or "she") wants the big wedding. 
    You also mention that you two are paying for this wedding.  I'm confused about how you would suddenly have all of these things that you both don't want... unless it's only *you* who doesn't want it.  If *both* you and your partner are in agreement that you do not want this type of wedding, and you and your partner are paying for it, I'm not sure I understand how you could suddenly have the huge guest list, dj, photographer, etc... who is signing the checks?

    If it is true that your partner has his/her heart set on a bigger wedding... have you thought about all of the things you might enjoy about it?  Wonderful photos, music, everyone you love under one roof, celebrating the joy of your union.  I wasn't sure I wanted a "big" wedding either, but I went with it, and it was the best day of my life.  I was marrying the man I loved and everyone was there to celebrate and be over-the-top happy for us. 

    Just make sure you and your partner are communicating - you will definitely need that in the long run!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    it only has to be as showy as you want it.
    I also didn't want a big wedding, but once we asked for lists from our parents, it became clear we were going to have at least 120 people there.

    There are ways to make a big wedding feel casual and small. If you haven't put down too many deposits, think of what you can do to cut down "the show" in other ways:
    Minimize the amount of vendors by DIYing things like centerpieces, iPod DJ or have a friend officiate.
    Hold it somewhere cozy and casual like a state park or a farm.
    Go casual with food and attire.
    Skip favors.
    Have a small wedding party, only one attendent each.

    Things like that can make a big difference in the stress level associated with the wedding.

    I'm so sorry that this is depressing you. I hope it's not too late to turn things around.
    If you're past the point of no return with vendors and venues, then just try to look at the bright side: there are many people who would give anything to have such a big wedding. Count your blessings.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from tibird. Show tibird's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

     I also went through something similar... we wanted a small wedding, mostly friends.  But in his family (ok, in his mom's mind) a wedding HAS to be a big family event.  It was frustrating & there were fights & crying, but we realized that it was 1 day and the end result was that we went home together united.  That's when it stopped being a huge deal.  but i agree with the others that you 2 need to be on the same page with things.  If you are, then maybe you could decide to pare it down to a compromise (ie no video/musicians, whatever).

    As far as the honeymoon, we were married in May & are going on our official one in February.  We did go on a short getaway for a couple days, but we both wished we hadn't.  After all the wedding hoopla (and i believe there is hoopla even for a small wedding), we were tired!  having to wait for the honeymon may be a blessing :)
    Good luck!

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    Ti, where are you going??!!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    Heather, excellent thoughts on the pros of the big wedding.  It might not be the overall ideal, but there are pros and cons to both styles.  If the OP is "stuck" with a bigger deal than he wanted, at least go into it excited about the pros, the biggest of which is being married at the end of the day, but there have to be others bob can identify and be excited about.  It's really what you make of it in your heart no matter what the style or how many people are there.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Neena101511. Show Neena101511's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

         I'm not married but I can understand being depressed about your situation. There are events or projects in everyones past that we have pictured a certain way, and at some point have taken a turn either being less then spectaculor or a complete flop.
         If it's to late for you to get back your money or theres no time to really back out of your "production" then just remember one thing, the one outcome that you will have regardless of the size or theatrics involved with your wedding, you will be married. Your fiance will be your wife/husband, forever. They will be there when you go to bed and when you wake up. Weddings usually end up being more of a show then they actually need to be but no matter how many people are going to be there, or if you have those human tables in marie antoinette costumes serving the drinks, you will be married to your love. At the end of the day that's all that matters. 
       
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from boborinio. Show boborinio's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    Thanks for all the replies & comments.  We are both older, approaching middle-age, neither has parents.  In her culture a wedding is a huge event, and once the planning started and her immediate family offered in helping with the arrangements it sort of snowballed rapidly from a small gathering into what it is today.  This all happened over a few weeks as we just decided to get married at the beginning of the summer.  I did make my feelings known, but she was more involved than I and I think she felt pressured. One thing at time got added, some I found out about right away, some after the fact, until.....  And in all honesty she has more of a "whatever" attitude about the whole thing; she just wants everyone to be happy.  In any event, we are getting married this month and have pretty much paid for everything, so at this point we are totally committed.  I have no reservations about getting married to this lovely lady, just not looking forward to the day itself.  I know I'll make the best of it and smile and get through it and that next year at this time none of this will matter.  I just needed to vent a bit to someone that would listen.  Thanks folks. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    I think you'll find you'll enjoy your day in spite of your misgivings (and I understand your need to vent).  My DH isn't a party person AT ALL, and told me numerous times how he wasn't looking forward to the reception (but, he wanted it because it was important to his family, too).  Anyway, I can't tell you how many times since then that he's brought it up on his own to say that he wishes we could do it all again on every anniversary, down to the last detail. 

    Not that that is exactly how you'll experience it, but it will be at some level, I know it. :)

    Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding and marriage!!!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    In Response to Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all the replies & comments.  We are both older, approaching middle-age, neither has parents.  In her culture a wedding is a huge event, and once the planning started and her immediate family offered in helping with the arrangements it sort of snowballed rapidly from a small gathering into what it is today.  This all happened over a few weeks as we just decided to get married at the beginning of the summer.  I did make my feelings known, but she was more involved than I and I think she felt pressured. One thing at time got added, some I found out about right away, some after the fact, until.....  And in all honesty she has more of a "whatever" attitude about the whole thing; she just wants everyone to be happy.  In any event, we are getting married this month and have pretty much paid for everything, so at this point we are totally committed.  I have no reservations about getting married to this lovely lady, just not looking forward to the day itself.  I know I'll make the best of it and smile and get through it and that next year at this time none of this will matter.  I just needed to vent a bit to someone that would listen.  Thanks folks. 
    Posted by bobarinio[/QUOTE]
    Talk to my husband.  He did not want a big wedding--like I said, would have been happy to go to city/town hall.  Hates to be the center of attention.  Literally could not wait to get out of there (we went straight to our honeymoon).  In the end, he was happy that I was happy and just went along with the flow.  I think if you just keep your eyes on the prize, you'll feel better.

    It will be over...just like I used to say to myself at the start of every Falmouth Road Race...time has to go by, so after 4 hours or so, you'll be married to your sweetie and that will be that.  If you can, take the two days to yourself, even if its just as home...you will feel different, I guarantee, and bask at the glow that surrounds all newlyweds.

    Good luck!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: My wedding is depressing me... has anyone been through this?

    We heart you just for writing in to vent to a bunch of anonymous people instead of being pouty with your lucky fiancee!

    My husband is the shiest of guys and was (secretly) dreading the whole day but ended up having a blast!  You just never know!

    Best wishes!!!!
     
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