OT - A vent - sorry so long!

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    _
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Sorry you are dealing with ALL this.

    First, I understand your thoughtful desire to sheild DH from this, but I think he's man enough to handle it even while preparing for surgery.  Not the vent part, but the simple idea that his mother is insisting on seeing him that day and wants you to pick her up.  Ask him how he wants you to handle it.  No ranting, raving, and extra stress, just a factual account of what he needs to know so he can revisit his decision with all the current facts.  That's only fair to him.  Sheilding him is a laudable thought but not really fair and leaves you in an extremely awkward and no-win situation.  Your husband should not be prevented from being his wife's defender no matter what he's going through.  He CAN and would want to handle it.

    Until you discuss this with him honestly I cannot possibly give you advice as to how to proceed with your MIL.  You are making a big mistake (albeit very well intentioned) to try to navigate this by yourself.

    Best,
    ~kar

    P.S.  You can have a relationship with your MIL, but to do so you must relinquish control of trying to fix the relationship and how she interacts with you and give it to her son to whom it really belongs.  If his mother is being difficult with his wife, it's your husband's responsibility to take the brunt of the responsibility of dealing with her about it.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Ugh.  She reminds me of my step dad.  I agree with Kar on not shielding DH from this.  I’ve had a similar experience with my step dad, not regarding my DH, but my mom and for years I tried to handle things without her involvement or letting her know the crap he was pulling and it was a huge disservice to myself.  I actually just had it out with him when he was here last weekend.  After years of trying to have an amicable relationship with him for my mother’s sake, I finally had it after an awful stunt he pulled.  I told him (in the presence of my mom) flat out that I don’t like him, I think he’s a hypocrite, a manipulator, a control freak and overall I don’t think he’s a good person at all.  I said to both of them that I will continue to have a relationship with my mother but wanted nothing to do with him and he is not welcome in my home.   

    She is being sneaky and manipulative calling you trying to get you to pick her up after your DH already told her he didn’t want her there.  Don’t pick her up and tell the hospital that you guys are not accepting visitors during his surgery, including her.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Husbands actually tend to take their role of defender and protector very seriously regarding their wives, and if they don't, it's an indicator of their poor emotional development.  Therefore, wives who prevent their husbands from dealing with things like this are not only doing themselves a disservice, as dkb commented, but their husbands and marriages a disservice, as well.  It might seem counterintuitive and almost selfish, but not really if you consider the need an emotionally together man has to protect and defend his wife.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    It sounds to me like she's upset because she feels like that you and DH don't need her for support in this unsure time. Some people really like to feel needed. She's also scared and wants to be there in case something happens. Any parent would. Whether your kid is 3 or 30, you get really worried when they have to go in for surgery, no matter how routine.
    However, that really doesn't excuse her behavior. She should respect her son's wishes and leave it at "if you need anything, let me know.". She's not expressing herself well, but I can see where she's coming from.

    I agree with the other ladies, tell DH that she's asked you to pick her up so she can be there at the hospital. Leave the depression thing until after the surgery.
    Maybe he can talk with her and be understanding as to why she wants to be there, but firm that he doesn't want her to be. Not because he doesn't need her or love her, but because he wants to face this alone. He can promise her that you'll call her to let her know how the surgery went etc. so that she's not left worrying and wondering for too long.

    I disagree that this is a time for him to your defender. It's not. This is about him, his body, his health and his wishes. Only the people he wants with him when he goes in should be there. It's not right for her to go behind his back.

    As for the "depression", I'd say somethign to her yourself. Say "I haven't spoken about this to DH because I don't want him to have to worry about it but I know you've been telling people I'm depressed. I don't appreciate you speaking about my mental health to other people."

    Good luck to you and DH. I hope everything goes as well as possible.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    well, it's good that the visitation part of it has been sorted out.

    I still think you should address the depression comments yourself. She may be his mother, but she's gossiping about you. If she knows it'll get back to you, she'll be more likely to keep her mouth shut.
    If someone is gossiping about you, you confront the person yourself.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    hmmm... then maybe she feels helpless int he face of uncertainty so the only thing she can do to cope is try and control the situation?
    That's a very common reaction.
    I'm not defending her behavior, but I do know that health issues can bring out the worst in people.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    I'm really sorry you're going through this.  I also have a difficult relationship with my FMIL so I can see where you're coming from. I can't offer any advice but I wanted to wish you and DH the best of luck next week.  I hope he has a safe, successful and relatively stress-free surgery!

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    oh yes, keep him the loop. Good for you. Stay strong! I'm so sorry this is all happening at once for you. I guess when it rains, it pours.
    They say good fences make good neighbors, but I think good fences make good inlaws as well.

    My MIL is a nut, too. She's probably the most controlling and least affectionate person I've ever met. Over time I'm learning that it's because she's really insecure, but I still let her know that she can't manipulate me. Sometimes trying to understand where they're coming from can diffuse the "OMGIcan'ttakeitanymore!!!" feelings that build up.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Hi Pugs,

    I just wanted to say good luck for your DH!  I know you must be stressed and scared, and the issue with your MIL is probably only making it worse.  It sounds like you are handling it well.  I hope you have a good support structure outside MIL (good friends and non-crazy family?  <grin! />).  I don't have much advice, but I just want to tell you to stay strong and I will be wishing everything goes well for you both!

    Good luck!

    PS.  Your MIL sounds like an immature PITA and that has got to s_ck. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Sorry to hear you have to deal with all of this - especially the surgery itself!

    I definitely had difficulties with my MIL during wedding planning.  One thing that I learned is that DH is better equiped to handle his mother in these situations.  He is used to the way she is, so it doesn't phase him as much.  Hopefully the next time we have issues, I will be able to take a step back and let him deal with it!  I understand that this situation is more complicated because you don't want to cause DH stress right now, but I think you did the right thing in telling him what was going on.

    Best wishes!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Pugs, I'm glad there was more to the story and that you really have let DH know what's happening and he's been proactive regarding the day of the surgery as a result.  Sounds like he needs an update, though.  More information is only stressful if he makes it stressful, and guys are usually pretty good at compartmentalizing.

    Trash talking families will not be deterred.  I'm not discouraging you from dealing head on with it with her, but only preparing you for your ensured failure at changing her behavior.  If she cared if it got back to people she'd have already changed her behavior long before now.  All you can do is, as much as it is within yours and your husband's power, limit what information she has about you to gossip with in the future.


     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    sometimes when someone wants to be really involved, as is the case here, you can use that as a way to make a gossiper understand that their behavior is unacceptable. as in "We really want to be able to discuss our lives with you and have you involved, but I'm afraid that if you're going to talk about these things behind our backs, we'll have to limit our contact with you."
    In other words: if you'd rather talk about me than to me, then I won't talk to you anymore.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Sometimes, but in my experience nothing stops a gossiper and they often even make up stories just to be in the limelight.  I know what you're saying, though, she might turn off the gossip switch so she's kept in the loop, but I think the more likely thing to happen is that she'll insist you can trust her now and then, out of habit or whatever, will continuously break that trust.  I'd just assume she won't stop and make sure to the best of my ability that she doesn't get any other information that you wouldn't want posted on a family bullitan board.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Scorpio75. Show Scorpio75's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    In Response to Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!:
    A couple weeks ago she called my mom to tell on me because I didn't return a call. 
    Posted by PugsandKisses

    Seriously?  I hope your Mom laughed at her.

    I know that probably wouldn't have helped the situation. And based on your posts under your user name and your nom de plume you are very classy so I have to assume your Mom is classy as well and didn't laugh at her even if she wanted to.

    I have nothing other to add, than I hope it all works out well for both you and your DH.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from clc51510. Show clc51510's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    I'm sorry but she called your mom?  Hmmm are you twelve?  Once again sorry you're going through this. Just out of curiosity, how did your mom react? 

    I'm pretty sure that would have backfired for my FMIL because my mom's pretty outspoken and probably would have given her a piece of her mind.  But I wouldn't put it past her because clearly she likes treating me and FI like we are children.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Yeah.  Anyone who called my mom to tell on me would get stuck talking to my mom for about an hour, and that would probably be punishment enough. :)

    Good luck, though.  Unfortunately, I don't really have much to add.  Limiting your contact with this woman does not sound like a bad idea,
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

     If   MIL  called  MY mom like that,  knowing   your MIL's history,  my mom would have said -  Well she knows talking to you is useless and discouraging, since you don't listen  and go off half cocked doing what you want anyway.  So why would she call you back?

    Yes,  MIL is probably worried, and insecure, but there is a limit still to what you need put up with.    If your Mom is so reasonable, you are especially unused to MIL's PITA ways.

    Hope your honey's surgery and recovery go well.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    oh man, I don't even want to think about what would happen if my MIL called my mom about me.
    Good for your mom in handling it gracefully.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    it's both amazing and pathetic that she turns her son's medical problem into being all about HER!

    You're absolutely right that you can only change how you react to her.  Limit your contact as much as you can, and get caller I.D. and an answering machine.  Let your DH pick up the phone when she calls if he wants to.  You shouldn't feel obligated to talk to her. 

    Very best of luck to you and DH!!! 

    Love,

    Cos
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    cos's advice works for me and a member of DH's family that I rarely want to talk with.  In fact, that person has his own special ring tone so we don't even have to look at the ID.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Ihavemyhats. Show Ihavemyhats's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    A general comment - after this, I think you and your husband will be justified in not telling his family about things you don't want interference with.  Right after we were married, something came up that I did not want my MIL to know about.  When I told DH that, he said "We are a family now and we have the right to keep our own counsel." That is, we have a right to privacy, and you two do as well.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from tibird. Show tibird's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Pugs,
     Just catching up now... how is hubby doing???
    I also can relate as I have a PITA MIL as well.  When my then FI was in the hospital, we actually had to have the nursing staff ask her to leave on a few occasions.  Did no good, of course, since she was his mother & they would have to have security drag her out (which was tempting).
    After he got out, we cut contact with her as much as possible, other than wedding related arguing & health updates.  Since the wedding, we have cut down even further and with contact very limited, she seems to be better, at least face to face ~ I've long since given up caring what she says about me, since anyone who matters will take it for what it's worth.

    Good luck to you & DH, just focus on the important stuff!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Not to hijack, but good to see you, tibird!  Hope you and your hubby are well and enjoying married life.

    ~kar
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: OT - A vent - sorry so long!

    Hi Tibird!!

    I'm starting to worry that we're all going to be awful mothers-in-law someday!
     

Share