Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?
posted at 8/16/2009 10:25 AM EDT
In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?
[QUOTE]Help, normally, I'd agree w/ you, but this was a grieving grandfather. That's the only reason I am cutting him some slack. Otherwise, I agree that he was being a total Ahole and that she should have told him to step off.
Posted by ALF72[/QUOTE]
Same way I feel. I do think it was a rotten thing, but I can see why he could twist things to making anyone else a villain and gather what he sees as his essential family.
I've seen the family of a dying soldier warmly greet the commanding officers who sent son into battle, and listen gratefully to talk of the contribution he made for his country. Then scream and get all over the nurses giving daily care to their comatose son, that way since they received him into care, and blame them for the son's wounds and for letting him die. That he may have been brain dead all the time the nurses cared for him, and the family had to consent to withdrawal of hook-ups, did not matter. They could not blame the people who gave them a reason for son's death, heroic service to their country, that is the only thing they can hang on to. They can't face that they
had to finally be the ones to decide, let him go. So they blame the people who took care of him, and spent hours and hours sitting and talking and comforting the family. But son is dead, someone out there has to be blamed. Not the son or parents who thought the education he got before serving and other benefits were worth it, who encouraged him to join the service.
Once rational thought returns, they always, always return to normalcy, sometimes it takes a while. They come back or write after months or a year, or meet the nurses at a memorial event, and apologize .
Grieving people do not have the ability to handle a fight at a stressful time. They are not rational. It is shock.
That is why I think DH and wife should wait. If FIL ever says these things again, in any context, it will be time to straighten Dad out, no excuses, once and for all. But fighting with grieving people who need togetherness now? This is why I say - give it a pass, now. Never again, not in rational times. But now, think "crazy with grief" and let it go.
I have a friend who miscarried at 4 months. She and her husband separated, fighting. She had started letting her 4 year old get into bed with them, spoiled her by letting her stay up until 10pm when hubby came home, rather than sit alone. He was so incensed that wife broke every house rule they had decided together in raising their little girl (whom he did love and take care of) and was furious when wife would not see reason. So he quoted the books and pediatrician's advice and each night got madder than before to find she did it again.
The 4 month fetus was never real to him. He would tell her there must have been something wrong, the next will be healthy. But her feelings of grief made holding her little girl too close, comforting her mother, a survival mechanism. Hubby just did not understand a mother's level of feeling for an unborn child, and kept up fighting- over bedtimes, and kids being better off and less spoiled if sleeping in their own beds, yada yada. In 1 month it blew the couple apart.
Sometimes grieving people break the rules, do what they would not normally think right. Arguing about it just destroys relationships that get hurt in the fighting. Not worth it, in my mind. It does not matter that the poster and DH are right and have good reason to be angry. Just that fighting now will solve nothing, and could leave DH estranged from his Dad, something that will come between DH and his wife later on, count on it.