OT-How should I/we handle this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Angel525. Show Angel525's posts

    OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I am looking for help on an in-law situation I am not sure how to handle. I want to apologize in advance that this is somewhat long. Any input is greatly appreciated. Here is a small background on me. I am married to the love of my life. We met in September 1999 and started dating about 2 months later. We got engaged in 2001 and we got married in 2003. Two weeks ago my husband's niece was killed in a car accident. We spent five days  with his (out of state) family to  mourn, support each other and attend services. I was a total wreck this whole time. I would often cry because I was so devestated and my husband was the rock (not crying). A family friend of his parents offered the use of their home (mainly the upstairs) so we could be alone for the duration of our stay.We would spend days with the family and nights (often arriving late)at the house. The day before we were suppose to leave my FIL told me he wanted to speak with me the following day before we left to drive home. I asked my husband later if he had any idea what his dad may want to talk about. The only thing my hubby thought it may be about was about his dad's smoking. I have never /nor will I ever smoke. It makes me sick to be around/near it. His dad always leaves the room to go smoke or I leave the roomAbout two days prior were at a relatives house where there were four people  smoking outside (his dad one of them). The six of us were on a short narrow porch. With the wind the smoke was coming towards us (hubby & me) at the opposite side of the porch. After about five minutes I started to feel sick. I excused my self and went inside. Hubby came in and stayed with me. I tried to get him to go out to be with his family several times. He did not want to. We think his dad feels he (and everyone else) is being put out since he  can't smoke where he wants in his own home or anywhere around me.  We arrived at his parents the following morning. After talking briefly to his parents outside, his dad asked me to come in. My MIL kept hubby outside. He told me he asked  her the day before what it was about and she said she had no idea...YEAH RIGHT (insert  BS cough here). We get inside and both sat down at opposite ends of the table. Here is what happened.
    His dad starts to tell me how much their son loves me and would do anything for me. I need to learn that I don't come first and am not the center of attention. I need to attend to him and do things for him before I do for myself. I have never thought, assumed or even said that I come firstWe do things 50/50 always helping or doing for each other. My FIL paused and I was about to respond and say that I love my husband/your son very much and would do anything for him. As I opened my mouth to speak FIL said "let me finish" in a stern tone. I kept my mouth shut. He never told me why he thought I never showed love for my husband.
    He then went on to talk about how my new car (almost 2 years old) is not the most important thing in the world. I never have said that it was. I was also told how they ( in-laws) work hard for their money and that is why they drive what they do. Hubby and I are anything but well off.  Their SUV's are maybe 5-6 years older than mine.Since I was not allowed to talk I couldn't tell him that their son was the one that wanted me in the SUV  I was in due to the N.E. winters we have.
    Next I was told how I have to stop being childish. He has told me that in the 10 years he has known me he has not seen me go from childhood to adulthood. I am now in my mid 30's. Like many adults I have my "kid" moments but they are far and few between. He also cited an example of a holiday we often spend with my MIL's side of the family. There are many young childen (hubby's cousins) that range in age from 5-preteen. I use to be a daycare teacher so I love to entertain the kids. The kids often approach me asking me to play a game with them. I have no problems doing this. I often start with one and then their other siblings/cousins come over and ask to join in. I welcome them with open arms. I was even working on one with their reading a few years ago (child was 4 at the time). The child wanted  to show mom what she could do. Mom was thrilled and said to her daughter do you know what you were just doing?  She didn't. When mom told her she was reading the child was smiling ear to ear. Mom thanked me for taking the time to do that. I am always thanked by the parents and other relatives for keeping the kids entertained so they  can catch up as they don't see each other often. How his dad sees this as being childish I don't know. What am I suppose to do teach them biology and chemistry?
    He then went on to talk about what he saw as my fear of bugs and cats. He commented how I need to stop being afraid of them as they evolve with us and I need to face the fact they will always be there. Gee thanks for the lessson Darwin.  Since I was not allowed to speak I was unable to say that  I am not afraid of cats & bugs, I just don't like them. Their cats have also scratched my husband more times than I can count. They have even broken his skin (to the point of bleeding) sometimes when they scratch him. I grew up in a home where as a young child (toddler)we only had 2  gerbils. I also got to take home the classroom pet a few times. When the gerbils died we got fish. In terms of the bugs I am not afraid of them. I was totally grossed out the last 2 years (excluding this visit) when their home was invaded by ants. They were crawling all over the kitchen: in the sink where clean dishes were, crawling all over the counter (where food is prepped), on food itself and  and floors and almost everywhere you looked. They brushed it off like it was not a big deal saying oh we keep meaning to buy traps but they never did. I so wanted to say the kitchen is were we prep food /eat, that many bugs belong outside. I can understand a few here and there coming in, but an entire colony? If I had ants in my kitchen I do/would want it taken care of ASAP.
    The last two things he said where the straws that broke the camels back. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past year or so.  His dad said to me that he understands that we are tyring to get pregnant/be parents but he did not think I am mature enough to be a parent (again referencing me being childish). I need to grow up before considering becoming a parent. He also said that if I don't show my husband the emotional support he needs, he will go seek it somewhere else. At this point I am on the verge of tears and cursing him under my breath. My husband and I are far from lacking in this department. How/why dad feels this I dont know.He said to me that is everything I wanted to cover but hold on I want to make sure I got everything. He took a list out of his pocket and was like yup for each thing on the list, I did get everything. He then got up and asked for a hug. I was like what the....? I gave him a very weak hug, I was still slightly teary eyed at this point. We went outside and his mom asked for one to saying that they loved me. She made a comment that irked me saying it's ok to hug me as I am not smoking right now. What I really wanted to say was "mom are you really sure you  didn't know what was going to be hitting the fan inside your home" as she was not part of the talkMom got a weak hug from me as well. We each got into our own cars to drive to the site where his niece died, then we would each  go our own way. I was shaking like a leaf, boiling mad inside as we started to drive. Hubby asked what happened. I told him I did not want to talk about it before we got to the site as this was not the time to deal with this problem. It was at this point the floodgates opened. Hubby trying to cheer me up said well if you keep the crying up you will have a good reason for your crying when we get to the site. I got a small chuckle out of that. It was one of the very few I had had over the past five days. I started to hyperventailate as I told my husband what had been said. He got me to calm down some so I could talk.  I could see his face start to twist in anger and he was gripping the steering wheel very tightly. I told him what I could remember but I was still very upset. I told him what happened best I could but not word for word. I would later recant in full what had happened after I had calmed down (again not word for word). He said he would talk to his dad.
    Now here is my question. I understand everyone grieves differently. I lost a brother 22 years ago to cancer (I was a preteen) and I just remember keeping my anger to myself. I am still not over his death and  never will be but I have never taken it out in anger on someone else. Has anyone been a victim of a tirade such as this from a family mememberIf so what did you do? I can understand that he may have been in the anger stage of grief but to go off on me like he did in my opinion is inexcusable. I asked my husband why he didn't try to come in with us when we were going to talk. He said being told that his dad/me were going to be talking   if he had tried to come in his dad would have found a way to keep him out. His dad can have a temper. He called his parents upon our return home looking to talk to his dad (about what happened). His mom answered saying he wasn't around but would have his dad call. It has almost been a week and no return call. Should we let his dad call us when he is ready, should we call back, should we let sleeping dogs lie given the death of the family member? Also should it be me or my husband doing the talking? I do love his parents, but I am not sure I can ever look at them the same way again after this. Sorry for the long tirade. T.I.A for any/all advice 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Your husband needs to speak with his father. Your father in law prefaced this speech and ended it noting that he was giving it to you for his son's sake.
    It's now your husband's job to tell his father that he loves you for who you are, exactly who you are, flaws and all, and that his father has no business trying to put pressure on you to change.
    Your husband needs to hell him that if he has any problem with any of your behaviors, which I'm sure he does not, that he can speak up for himself and doesn't need his father to do it for him.

    I am so sorry this happened to you. I cannot say why your father in law treated you this way, but it wasn't fair or right in any way shape or form.
    You have every right to be very hurt and angry, and so does your husband.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdd01. Show jdd01's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Wow...

    That was probably one of the rudest things I've heard in awhile.  I'm not even sure how to respond yet.  How was your husband's reaction initially?  after he'd calm down? Is he mad/sad?  Does he know what he is going to say to his father?  Has he thought about talking to his mother (because I'm sure she knew about it too, especially if there a list!)?

    Again, so sorry!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I don't even know where to begin.  Angel, I am so very sorry you had to go through this, I don't even know what you must be feeling.  How awful. 

    What does your husband say now?  He needs to talk to his father.  You are his wife, that's it!!!  Awful!!  And, what is it any of your FIL's right to make any comments about you, your husband, your lives together, and what you're planning on doing for your future and your family?  How dare he!!?  I don't know, but if this were me, I would be livid. 

    I can't speak for anyone else except me, but I had some minor future in-law issues.  I'm getting married in a couple months, and when we got engaged, my FMIL changed.  We're better now, and I won't get into it, but I still haven't forgotten that minor incident (minor compared to yours).  I don't even know if I've forgiven. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Oh, wow... what an awful story.  And how could he do that to you so soon after a death in the family?  That's shameful.

    I agree that your husband should talk to his father.  His father has no right to treat you that way.  If he has issues, he should have spoken to his son first.

    I'm so sorry, I don't know what else to say.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Wow that is really awful.  He must be some kind of character to think it is his place to inform you of all of your "faults".  I agree with others that your husband should be the one to take the next step.  I know it will be hard to ever forgive or forget this, but I hope you can at least be honest with your FIL and tell him that he hurt you deeply and you don't know where this came from and eventually move one.

    I am not in any way suggesting that your FIL is correct - clearly I do not know you personally, but whenever someone makes a comment like that to me, I eventually consider if there is any truth to it.  It will help you grow as a person if you can see yourself in others' eyes.  Of course he may be wrong about all of the things he said, but try to consider what it is that makes him think you look down on their cars, or whatever.

    Best wishes to you!!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

         The only clue I can see is in the very beginning of the post, when you say you were crying and a basket case, and DH was like a rock, supportive to you etc.
         Aside from the general mad at the world feeling that he has lost  someone,  many a person seems to feel that when a member of their family dies, there is the family, and there are outsiders.  Outsiders are expected to say how they will miss the deceased, then turn to the family, and express their sorrow for the family.  They are then expected to be solicitous and comforting and commiserate with the family, with the focus being on the family members.  Doing things for them, catering to them.  Many cannot even think anyone else really feels the hurt they do, no one else is family.  So why would you cry except to be the center of attention?  To get son to focus on you when he should be with them?
           FIL may always have had small grievances against you, of the sort -       "well gee Dad  we'd love to come visit, but you know, money is tight, we just made a hefty down payment on wife's new SUV "
    becomes in the Dad's mind, "always has money anytime his wife crooks her finger  and points to something SHE wants."

         Lots of vague feelings with a little foundation in truth somewhere, but thought of many times by Dad, never discussed with anyone, they kind of solidify as a grievance wall with many little bricks.  Usually more than a little jealousy of the love and time   his son gives to you - rather than them- creeps in.
           When DH's niece died, your in-laws lost their granddaughter, whom they loved, a loss they see as even greater than their son's.  Son should be consoling them, and the girl's parents, in their eyes.  And here you have the nerve to appear (by crying, being a basket case)   more in need of DH.  You who are not the family.  You who should be consoling them, cooking for them, seeing to their comfort.
         This would be the core of "making it all about you."  You are not comforting them, and son they see as needing to spend time with you, which means because of you son is not comforting them.
         Dad's way of notifying you he wants to talk, sitting down 1:1 and laying out his grievances is an effort to get control back in his life, and bring his son closer by thrusting you,  NOT FAMILY to FIL-  out of your preferred position in his son's life.
         He probably has no idea that you could have any significant feeling for your husband's niece,  not even in the same realm as grandparents feeling for their granddaughter for years you were never even around.
         Was this fair to you?  No.  Is what he did understandable?  It is in fact pretty typical. 
         Had you not cried and gotten upset,  and if  your husband left you  alone so you spent time  doing things for the family, and DH spent the whole visit comforting his sibling (girls parents)  and his Mom and Dad, the grieving grandparents, the confrontation would never have happened.
         If your husband confronts his father, it will be taken as a sign by Dad, He was right.  You have taken away their son, and son dances to your tune now.
         Sometimes you just need to let an unfair situation be. FIL is terribly upset with this loss of his granddaughter, feeling a little abandoned by his son (how father FEELS).  You cannot argue logically.  Chalk it up to life's lessons.  Down the road, if this comes up again, DH can defend you.  Right now, anything he says to Dad in your defense just proves, Dad and Mom have lost their granddaughter, their son has practically deserted them for his wife,  and they have nothing they can do, no control, to prevent bad things from happening to them.  At their age, any loss is a threat to their life:  what next? 
         You and DH sound devoted enough to each other to carry this burden off to a little compartment somewhere and shut it away.  Like everyone here, I feel sorry you went through this.  I'm also sorry your FIL has felt such a loss that he feels the need to clutch at his family and shut you out.
    Parents are not supposed to outlive their children, or their grandchildren.  He puts on a big strong man face outside, but inside he hurts so much.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    whata- I totally disagree. They shouldn't just let a huge act of disrespect slide just to make things easier.
    My MIL was treated the same way by her MIL and she and my FIL let it slide to make things easier. After about 10 years MIL had to stop going to see her in-laws altogether because her MIL started to maked similar hurtful and unfounded criticisms of DH and his siblings.
    If you let it slide the first time it will just happen again and again and again.
    He needs to know that what he did was wrong and why or else he will continue to criticize.
    It's not okay for him to treat OP like an "outsider", no matter how upset he is.
    She is his son's family. She is family.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from LLLCK. Show LLLCK's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Angel - I am sorry that this happened to you and sorry about the loss of your niece.  Your FIL clearly poured all his anger and hurt over losing his granddaaughter into berating you.  I would suggest that your husband let his father and mother know that what transpired was not OK and that after things have settled down he needs to talk to them.  Your husband should sit down face to face with both his parents and tell him that what his father said and did was totally unacceptable, that he does not agree with what they said and that they should speak to him in the future if they feel they must say something about you.  I am not sure how you go forward from here but the fact that you kept quiet and hugged your in-laws after this was over speaks volumes about what a kind and thoughtful person you are.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Oh my God.  What he said and his timing were inexcusable. I don't care how upset the man was.  It never ceases to amaze me how badly people will treat their own family members.  Because like it or not, when you married DH you did become family.  Sorry, Wag, I totally disagree w/ your analysis.  She's been a member of the family for several years at this point.  Dad needs to grow up.

    I wouldn't have your DH intervene at all.  I normally think that writing things down is a bad idea b/c it can come back to bite you big time, but it's probably going to be easier in this instance than saying anything. I would write a note or email to the dad saying "I understand that you are under a lot of stress right now b/c of X's death.  She was a lovely girl and will be greatly missed.  I can only assume that it was your grief over her death that clouded your judgement and led you to say those horrendous things to me last Saturday.  Because of the emotions involved with X's death and out of respect for my husband, I think the best thing we can both do is forget that the conversation ever took place.  I hope that you feel the same way.  Love, Angel".

    Seriously, the guy probably feels like the biggest jerk, and rightfully so. I am guessing this is why he hasn't called your DH back.  By sending a short note, you get to point out that he was totally out of line but w/o addressing his asinine complaints.  With any luck, this will all fade away w/ time.  If it doesn't, and he continues to harp on these items again, then I think your DH needs to get involved.  At this point, the best thing to do is pretend it didn't happen, and move on.

    Good luck.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from helphelpImbeingrepressed. Show helphelpImbeingrepressed's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Seriously, I wouldn't have let him finish. I'd have told him to fsck off and blow it out his a$s after the first criticism. Whether or not any of these faults are accurate, it's none of his gd concern. It's between you and your husband.

    $crew family harmony, I wouldn't visit that a-hole again until I got an unqualified apology from him. To hell with being the bigger person. That's total BS.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from octbride09. Show octbride09's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Seriously, I wouldn't have let him finish. I'd have told him to fsck off and blow it out his a$s after the first criticism. Whether or not any of these faults are accurate, it's none of his gd concern. It's between you and your husband. $crew family harmony, I wouldn't visit that a-hole again until I got an unqualified apology from him. To hell with being the bigger person. That's total BS.
    Posted by helphelpImbeingrepressed[/QUOTE]

    I agree. Once the mention of trying to have kids and you not being a fit parent came in...it would have been the end of it for me. I probably would have said "This conversation...is OVER." 

    I don't know how you sat there that long. You are a much stronger person than me. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

     FIL may always have had small grievances against you, of the sort -       "well gee Dad  we'd love to come visit, but you know, money is tight, we just made a hefty down payment on wife's new SUV "
    becomes in the Dad's mind, "always has money anytime his wife crooks her finger  and points to something SHE wants."
    And here you have the nerve to appear (by crying, being a basket case)   more in need of DH.  You who are not the family.  You who should be consoling them, cooking for them, seeing to their comfort.
         This would be the core of "making it all about you."  You are not comforting them, and son they see as needing to spend time with you, which means because of you son is not comforting them.
    Had you not cried and gotten upset,  and if  your husband left you  alone so you spent time  doing things for the family, and DH spent the whole visit comforting his sibling (girls parents)  and his Mom and Dad, the grieving grandparents, the confrontation would never have happened.
         If your husband confronts his father, it will be taken as a sign by Dad, He was right.  You have taken away their son, and son dances to your tune now.


    Whata, are you serious?
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Help, normally, I'd agree w/ you, but this was a grieving grandfather. That's the only reason I am cutting him some slack. Otherwise, I agree that he was being a total Ahole and that she should have told him to step off. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Help, normally, I'd agree w/ you, but this was a grieving grandfather. That's the only reason I am cutting him some slack. Otherwise, I agree that he was being a total Ahole and that she should have told him to step off. 
    Posted by ALF72[/QUOTE]

          Same way I feel.  I do think it was a rotten thing,  but I can see why he could twist things to making anyone else a villain and gather what he sees as his essential family.
         I've seen the family of a  dying soldier warmly greet the commanding officers who sent son into battle, and listen  gratefully to talk of the contribution he made for his country.  Then scream and get all over the nurses giving daily care to their comatose son, that way since they received him into care,  and blame them for the son's wounds and for letting him die.  That he may have been brain dead all the time the nurses cared for him, and the family had to consent to withdrawal of hook-ups,  did  not matter.  They could not  blame the people who gave them a reason for son's death, heroic service to their country, that is the only thing they can hang on to.  They can't face that they had to finally be the ones to decide, let him go.  So they blame the people who took care of him,  and spent hours and hours sitting and talking and comforting the family.  But son is dead, someone out there has to be blamed.  Not the son or parents who thought the education he got before serving and other benefits were worth it, who encouraged him to join the service.
         Once rational thought returns, they always, always return to normalcy, sometimes it takes a while.  They come back or write after months or a year,  or meet the nurses at a memorial event, and apologize .

          Grieving people do not have the ability to handle a fight at a stressful time.  They are not rational.  It is shock.
         That is why I think  DH and  wife should wait.  If FIL ever says these things again, in any context, it will be time to straighten Dad out, no excuses, once and for all.  But fighting with grieving people who need togetherness now?  This is why I say - give it a pass, now.  Never again, not in rational times.  But now, think "crazy with grief" and let it go.

         I have a friend who miscarried at 4 months.  She and her husband separated, fighting.  She had started letting her 4 year old  get into bed with them, spoiled her by letting her stay up until 10pm when hubby came home, rather than sit alone.  He was so incensed that wife broke every house rule they had decided together in  raising their little girl (whom he did love and take care of) and was furious when wife would not see reason.  So he quoted the books and pediatrician's advice and each night got madder than before to find she did it again.
         The 4 month fetus was never real to him.  He would tell her there must have been something wrong, the next will be healthy.  But her feelings of grief made holding her little girl too close, comforting her mother, a survival mechanism.  Hubby just did not understand a mother's level of feeling for an unborn child, and kept up fighting- over bedtimes, and kids being better off and less spoiled if sleeping in their own beds,  yada yada.    In 1 month it blew the couple apart.
    Sometimes grieving people break the rules,  do what they would not normally think right.  Arguing about it just destroys relationships that get hurt in the fighting.  Not worth it, in my mind.    It does not matter that the poster and DH are right and have good reason to be angry.  Just that fighting now will solve nothing, and could leave DH estranged from his Dad, something that will come between DH and his wife later on, count on it.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from helphelpImbeingrepressed. Show helphelpImbeingrepressed's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Well, if it was a case of momentary insanity brought on by grief, that unqualified apology should be easy for him to make.

    Most people manage to deal with grief without verbally abusing people. Shoot, even I can, and I'm a walking smartmouth. If she doesn't make a big deal about it, draw that line in the sand, then he'll get off way too easy for that bs. He needs to know he was wrong, way wrong.

    Grief, or no grief, no way I'd have sat through that.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Help, neither would I. No one deserves abuse like that. No one. I don't care the situation.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Man, I am going to get totally flamed for this, but here goes.

    So he's been holding onto this all this time?  You've known this man for 10 years now.  Is this the first time he's said anything about any of these things or spoken to you like this??  I mean I know grief does strange things to people, but it does not usually make people say things they haven't been thinking about all along.  I find it interesting that he wanted a hug after all this lecturing...he clearly thinks he is doing you some sort of favor in telling you all this, and expects your relationship to go back to "normal".


    Not that I think anything he said was appropriate, not was this the appropriate place to let out 10 years of anger, but I noticed, same as waggie, that you commented on being a "basket case" and that your husband was the "rock".  Is it possible (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) that the way you were acting was perceived as over the top grieving (perhaps because you never properly mourned your brother), even more so than the bereaved family and that instead of being able to grieve, the family felt they had to take care of you?  And that perhaps you have acted in other ways in the past that seem to command attention and this was the last in a long line of events that your father in law could no longer watch?

    Your husband needs to talk to your father and find out what is going on here.  I don't think you should wait for his father to call.  You husband should ask exactly what was said to you and why--what precipitated it.  I'm not sure he should respond immediately--if you ever want to have a relationship with these people again he can't react angrily.  I think he should come home and discuss your next move together.

    And you angel, need some counseling to help you deal with your brother's death.  Perhaps you meant nothing in saying that you "never got over it", but it sounds like you were never able to properly deal with it in the first place.

    Best of luck to you sweetheart.  This is a tough situation.  ANd I am sorry for your family's tragic loss.

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I don't know where people are getting the "basket case" unless the OP edited her original post.

    Grieving is different for each person but quite frankly the FIL was way out of line and he needs to apologize.  Even if he has had these feelings for a while and hadn't voiced them until now, that means he needs to be the one to grow up and learn to address things when they appear and not keep anything bottled up for 10 years.

    The OP's husband should contact his Dad and not wait for him, and the FIL needs to know what he did was uncool.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I agree with wendy and how grieving is different for everyone.  People handle their emotions the best way they know how.  And, although I am in NO way excusing his behavior, some may be able to chalk it up to that.  I completely agree that he needs to apologize to his DIL as he has no right to make comments on her life, etc.  That was so out of line, I don't even know where to start.  But, as he was being disrespectful to her and talking to her the way he was, I don't think it's a good idea to go to him and tell him what she really thinks of him.  Now, it's the responsibility of the husband to say something to his father.  That he needs to learn not to talk to his wife that way, and that he needs to apologize.  Hey, I'm all about respecting my elders, but I wouldn't let this one slide.  No one has any right to talk to anyone in a manner like this. 
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I don't know who said basket case Wendy, but this was from the OP's post:

     I was a total wreck this whole time. I would often cry because I was so devestated and my husband was the rock (not crying).


    Like I said, I am prepared for the flames, but what I was really struck by the above statement, as well as the fact that he had a list and was asking for a hug at the end of his diatribe--to me this means he thinks he was doing her a huge favor by telling her all this.  For some reason this just screamed to me...and its speculation to be sure...this person is calling unnecessary attention to herself.  And maybe she isn't, but this is how something she is doing is being perceived.

    Also like I said, the guy's timing was appalling and some of the stuff is clearly none of his business.  I also don't really understand the husband's seeming lack of action--I mean I would think he would be quite angry and I'm not sure why he's hasn't called every day until he could speak to his father and find out what the heck is going on. 

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]I don't know who said basket case Wendy, but this was from the OP's post:  I was a total wreck this whole time. I would often cry because I was so devestated and my husband was the rock (not crying).
    Posted by ash[/QUOTE]

    To me that does not equate to "basket case".  I went back and read it and it appears that whatawag added that little gem.  In any event even is she was a "basket case" or merely crying a lot the FIL was way out of line no matter how much he may have been grieving. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I think the way Angel's FIL acted is sick and even abusive.  I felt physically ill for her when I read that he wanted a hug.  He completely abused her verbally, NEVER gave her a chance to speak for herself, then wanted physical contact.  Like he smacked her upside the head then said, "oh, honey, come here... I forgive you."  And the MIL - keeping the son outside!  The whole thing is sick.  I'm sorry they lost their granddaughter, but this was not a "crazy with grief" thing - this was pre-meditated, well thought out - the guy made an f-ing LIST.  Crazy with grief would be if he blew up at her when she went inside because he was smoking near her.  Wouldn't have been pleasant, but could be understood to be a momentary loss of control of ones emotions, displacement of that horrible grief. And shame on the MIL for not stopping him.

    He may realize that what he did was wrong, considering he has not called back.  If I were Angel, I would never again be able to have any sort of close relationship with these in-laws until the situation was addressed and put to rest.  I would never trust either of them.  I do think that waiting a bit is probably best, considering what has just happened in their family.  But to not address it at all at some point, I think would be a mistake and cause a permanent rift.  This is family -they're not going anywhere.

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    By him asking for a "hug" at the end of it all.  I hated that.  Made me cringe.  Okay, he said his piece, and now they should all just move on as if nothing happened?  I don't know what's worse.  The fact that he said all those horrible things, or that he thinks he's entitled to voice his opinion, or that he asked for a hug at the end like he was doing her some sort of favor and letting her in on some secrets to how to make HER life better.  Makes me sad for her.  Her husband needs to take some action and fast.  I would be livid.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from nell98. Show nell98's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I think it's pretty inappropriate that he had his wife keep your husband distracted so that you had to face this alone. He obviously knew his son would defend you and he had to get you alone to say his piece. I would avoid being alone with him from now on and have your husband speak to him about this. Not only the things he said, but the fact that he confronted you by yourself seems especially underhanded and awful.
     
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