OT-How should I/we handle this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I'm sorry, I would feel physically ill if my boyfriends dad ever talked to me like that. It may not be the same situation, him not being my FIL and all, but still. The whole fact that the MIL kept the son outside, that is sick. It is like they planned it. Gross.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I read the intire thread - and I feel like some of the posters, that OP was asking for too much attention to herself. My impression is from her long post, she is very immature - no matter her age.
    That said (flames here, according to Alf) I also think that OP's husband is a whimp. I feel, he knew that this conversation was going to take place. I can as sure as h*ll tell you, that if someome had sat me down like that, my husband would have come and sat next to me - and given whoever an earful. Why did DH let this take place at all?
    I still think FIL is a jerk. The timing was so inappropriate. If he waited 10 years to get rid of all this - he could have waited another week/month and gone to OP's home or called her and her husband to his - and spilled the beans. There is no excuse for what he did. Grieving or no grieving.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I was a total wreck this whole time. I would often cry because I was so devestated and my husband was the rock (not crying). A basket case is close to the "total wreck" in meaning.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I'm curious how long this conversation with the DIL and the FIL lasted.  If it were more than just a few minutes, wouldn't the husband go inside to find out what's going on?  I mean, did his mother keep him that occupied that he didn't wonder, for a second, what was going on inside with his father and wife?

    Also, I would tell my husband right away what went on.  I wouldn't leave the house.  I would get in the car, tell my husband, and hope that he would march in an ask for an explanation!  That's horrible, and this father should be ashamed of himself.  He has NO right to do what he did.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    First of all - you DO come first in your husbands life, just like he comes first in yours.  The timing of this conversation was completely inappropriate.  And sorry, your husband is a grown married man, so your relationship with your husband is none of his parents business.  Unless you were a drug addict or abusive or something like that, they have no business sitting you down and telling you that you're doing a bad job.  

    Perhaps you are a little more emotional than they are...so what?  And who the hell reprimands someone for being distraught at a funeral?

    I just feel like this was a sneaky attack that shocked you to the point where you couldn't respond - not that you had the opportunity.  And he made a list?

    At some point, something needs to be said to them, or else they will think they can just walk all over you.  Main point - he had no place saying a word to you about anything on his sh!tty little list.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

       Bottom line, the FIL voices a list of highly critical things he does not like about his DIL, from what he perceives.  That it is innapropriate, and unkind, and ill timed,  no question.  He asked to speak to her in private and did not humiliate her in front of others, however, and she does not mention that he ever yelled, used foul languge, or did anything we could term abusive.
         He sat her down for a lecture the way many bosses do with employees whose performance does not please them.  He was critical, but I think we go too far in everyone saying, she was abused.  No one likes to be criticized, or to feel someone is unhappy with them.  But a negative opinion expressed in a non-abusive way is not abuse.
         When I consider the screaming and yelling and name calling that goes on within many families, this was rational and tame, however unpleasant to hear.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I'd kind of like to know more about the husband's take on all this. Its hard to tell from the OP if he is angry or upset or even if he agrees with his father.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]   Bottom line, the FIL voices a list of highly critical things he does not like about his DIL, from what he perceives.   That it is innapropriate, and unkind, and ill timed,  no question.  He asked to speak to her in private and did not humiliate her in front of others, however, and she does not mention that he ever yelled, used foul languge, or did anything we could term abusive.      He sat her down for a lecture the way many bosses do with employees whose performance does not please them.  He was critical, but I think we go too far in everyone saying, she was abused.  No one likes to be criticized, or to feel someone is unhappy with them.  But a negative opinion expressed in a non-abusive way is not abuse.      When I consider the screaming and yelling and name calling that goes on within many families, this was rational and tame, however unpleasant to hear.
    Posted by whatawagSBNy[/QUOTE]

    I guess... okay, so he didn't do it "in front of everyone", but what gave him the right to do it at all?  Wasn't there a point of her post where she said she went to speak and he didn't let her?  I would've gotten up and walked away.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I think it was underhanded, belittling and a personal attack.  Even if given without cursing or raising of the voice.  Abuse does not have to be overt or loud.  FIL purposely isolated her, kept his son busy outside.  Why would he do this unless he knew that what he was doing would not go over well with his son?  She was alone, unprepared, not given a chance to defend herself and there were no witnesses, so FIL could easily say she's lying if and when it gets brought up in the open.

    Whata - you compare this to something a boss would do??  If my boss EVER cornered me alone and did not inform me that I was having a "review",  I would file a complaint immediately. 

    I think we all speak from our own personal experience - yours is that screaming and yelling is the only form of abuse.  My experiences are different, and perhaps I'm placing too much of my own experience on this situation.  But that's inevitable, to some degree, when we contribute to a forum like this.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Goodness, your sentiment is mine. This is why I think this 'talk' were orchestrated. MIL knew and so did DH. Sorry OP, but your DH was aware of this talk and in my opinion, he is a wimp. He should have stood up for you and never have allowed your FIL to grill you like this. End of story.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Except that he is not her boss, he is her FIL. It is not her job to please him.
    It is not his position to sit her down and tell her what he thinks she can do to please his son.
    If his son is not pleased, his son would speak to OP himself, not ask his daddy to do it for him.
    What he did was disgraceful.
    Everything he did was the definition of bullying behavior. He isolated his victim from those who migth defend her, he put her in a position where she could not respond to defend herself and he did not ask for any feedback.
    Though he did not raise his voice or use bad language, he abused his position as her FIL to intimidate and bully her.
    When a boss gives you criticism, they allow you to give feedback and talk about how things might improve. A bully criticizes and ask fro no feedback. With a bully it's not a conversation, it's a lecture.

    It was beyond the pale for him to tell her she was unfit to be a parent so that they should stop TTC.
    I agree with the other posters who said they couldn't have sat there and listened to that, but I believe OP must have been gobsmacked.

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]   He sat her down for a lecture the way many bosses do with employees whose performance does not please them. Posted by whatawagSBNy[/QUOTE]
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Goodness, your sentiment is mine. This is why I think this 'talk' were orchestrated. MIL knew and so did DH. Sorry OP, but your DH was aware of this talk and in my opinion, he is a wimp. He should have stood up for you and never have allowed your FIL to grill you like this. End of story.
    Posted by pingo[/QUOTE]

    It makes me sad for this wife.  That her husband hasn't spoken to his father about what happened.  That it's taken so long.  That they're "waiting" for the father to call?  Um, no, I don't think so.  I wouldn't have been able to make it to the car without telling my husband what happened, if that were me.  I would be mortified, and not just that, I wouldn't be able to look at my DH's parents the same way.  Regardless if I got apologies up and down, back and forth... etc.  Yes, an apology is nice, but it wouldn't take away from what happened.  The father just attacked, and criticized, and wouldn't let her speak?  How dare he!  Who does he think he is? 

    Quite honestly, if the husband doesn't take action, there are bigger issues here.  How could he let his father talk to his WIFE (his wife, for God's sake) like this?
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I don't think her DH knew what the talk was about. He knew his dad wanted to talk with her, but I doubt that he knew it would be a full blown attack on her personality and character.

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Goodness, your sentiment is mine. This is why I think this 'talk' were orchestrated. MIL knew and so did DH. Sorry OP, but your DH was aware of this talk and in my opinion, he is a wimp. He should have stood up for you and never have allowed your FIL to grill you like this. End of story.
    Posted by pingo[/QUOTE]
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Goodness, your sentiment is mine. This is why I think this 'talk' were orchestrated. MIL knew and so did DH. Sorry OP, but your DH was aware of this talk and in my opinion, he is a wimp. He should have stood up for you and never have allowed your FIL to grill you like this. End of story.
    Posted by pingo[/QUOTE]

    Absolutely.  It was none of his business.  And either her DH knew about it or is completely oblivious.  I would be a bit suspicious if my dad or mom took DH in another room to "talk" and the other one was trying to distract me.  I would think that OP's DH should have had some hint of how his parents viewed his wife. 

    I would have turned that car right around and gave mom and dad a piece of my mind if they did that to my DH. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    This is making me sad.  How will anything ever be the same again?
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I have to just say, the matter of the fact is, when your son or daughter falls in love with someone, there is part of it that you just have to accept. Same thing when a friend, brother, sister, cousin, etc....falls in love with someone and get's married. You may not like their spouse, but like dkb said, unless that person is a drug addict or abusive, you just have to learn to accept them as part of your family. IT may not be easy, but if you loved the person, like those parents love their son, than they should never ever abuse his wife like that. That is totally unacceptable.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]I don't think her DH knew what the talk was about. He knew his dad wanted to talk with her, but I doubt that he knew it would be a full blown attack on her personality and character. In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? :
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]

    That's true.  If OP was that shocked, her DH could possibly have never fathomed his father doing this.  What a coward, isolating and cornering her like that.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]This is making me sad.  How will anything ever be the same again?
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    I don't think it will.  I mean, you can forgive but the relationship will never be the same. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    A death in the family is no excuse for that totally premeditated attack.  He was making that list for a long time, adding to it methodically whenever anything came to mind to berate his daughter-in-law about.  And, I think he knew it was wrong, slinking off inside away from even his own wife to do it in private.

    Dear, I'm so sorry you had to sit through that horrible tirade.  It was completely uncalled for, and you are being quite the adult, ironically, in how you are handling it. 

    Your DH needs to have a talk with his father explaining that NO ONE on God's green earth has the right to speak to his wife that way...ever.

    You don't need to get involved further at all.  If his concerns were justified and his motives pure (who knows what on earth they were, but they weren't laudible), you'd have to respond, but since they weren't, don't give them any credance by responding.

    No matter how forgiving you are, and bless you for wanting to maintain a good relationship, the relationship is wrecked.  He wrecked it.  If he, someday, wants to come and apologize in complete contriteness of heart, it can begin to be repaired.  Not before then.

    So, unfortunately, the only thing that should be done right now is your DH's stepping up and telling his father that was completely unacceptable and he has damaged his relationship with both of you.  He will not expose his wife to that behavior.  And, if you must spend time with them, he is not to take his wife aside again.  Anything that he needs to say, he has to say in front of his son, too.  He WILL protect his wife from him.  That's going to be very hard for him, but I bet he can do it.

    Best wishes, Hon.

    ~kar
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]A death in the family is no excuse for that totally premeditated attack.  He was making that list for a long time, adding to it methodically whenever anything came to mind to berate his daughter-in-law about.  And, I think he knew it was wrong, slinking off inside away from even his own wife to do it in private. Dear, I'm so sorry you had to sit through that horrible tirade.  It was completely uncalled for, and you are being quite the adult, ironically, in how you are handling it.  Your DH needs to have a talk with his father explaining that NO ONE on God's green earth has the right to speak to his wife that way...ever. You don't need to get involved further at all.  If his concerns were justified and his motives pure (who knows what on earth they were, but they weren't laudible), you'd have to respond, but since they weren't, don't give them any credance by responding. No matter how forgiving you are, and bless you for wanting to maintain a good relationship, the relationship is wrecked.  He wrecked it.  If he, someday, wants to come and apologize in complete contriteness of heart, it can begin to be repaired.  Not before then. So, unfortunately, the only thing that should be done right now is your DH's stepping up and telling his father that was completely unacceptable and he has damaged his relationship with both of you.  He will not expose his wife to that behavior.  And, if you must spend time with them, he is not to take his wife aside again.  Anything that he needs to say, he has to say in front of his son, too.  He WILL protect his wife from him.  That's going to be very hard for him, but I bet he can do it. Best wishes, Hon. ~kar
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Well said, kar, as usual.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    brava, kar! Exactly my sentiment.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

        My guess is that this is FIL's style, and DH knows it well from when he lived at his family home. His father as head of his household expressed his feelings to his son in the same way is my guess.  Otherwise, why would DH not want to know, what are you sitting down for a talk with my wife for?
         While comforting her, he was being a rock in poster's eyes.  But DH may have been aware (from looks and comments) that her crying and being a total wreck , when the niece was someone she knew but not family, irritated his Dad.  For all we know, the whole list was things he and MIL had talked about and agreed he should mention, some grievances for years.
         What FIL  thought of as her crying "making it all about her"  about someone she barely knew,  FIL  and MIL and maybe the niece's parents   all thought.
    We lost our grand daughter.  We lost our daughter.  Why is someone who met our son 8 years ago and married him 5-6 years ago, but lived OOT and knew  niece only a little compared to us,  crying and carrying on more than we are?

    That seems to be what opened the floodgates for FIL.  I would guess at least that much (and probably the bug thing) DH was fully aware of before FIL said, we need to sit down and talk.  Several sides to this story, we are not hearing.
    In time, when people are less upset and more rational, there will be time to have other "talks."

    Funny how often here or in advice columns, people say -  you need to make a list of things that are bothering you, sit down  with the person, ask them not to interrupt - they can respond later-  and in a clear and unemotional way tell them everything that has been bothering you.  Do not do it in front of others.  And when you finish, make a nice gesture or give them a hug, show this is not hateful, just a need to make your feelings known.   Not so nice when you are the one hearing the list of grievances.  Or criticisms.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Brighton1. Show Brighton1's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Yep!

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Seriously, I wouldn't have let him finish. I'd have told him to fsck off and blow it out his a$s after the first criticism. Whether or not any of these faults are accurate, it's none of his gd concern. It's between you and your husband. $crew family harmony, I wouldn't visit that a-hole again until I got an unqualified apology from him. To hell with being the bigger person. That's total BS.
    Posted by helphelpImbeingrepressed[/QUOTE]
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Those lists for confrontation are helpful and I recommend making notes and such before confronting someone who has hurt you.  However, the list/notes must be concerning things that confronted person has done to the person doing the confronting.  The list of things that this poster had to sit through were NOT things that qualify as things having been done to the FIL.  They were merely things he hates about her, and he had no business bringing them up to her or anyone else.  Not the same at all, whatawag.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Those lists for confrontation are helpful and I recommend making notes and such before confronting someone who has hurt you.  However, the list/notes must be concerning things that confronted person has done to the person doing the confronting.  The list of things that this poster had to sit through were NOT things that qualify as things having been done to the FIL.  They were merely things he hates about her, and he had no business bringing them up to her or anyone else.  Not the same at all, whatawag.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Thanks Kar.  You articulated this much better than what I was about to post.
     
Sections
Shortcuts

Share