Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?
posted at 8/17/2009 1:20 PM EDT
On the contrary, what it seems like is that FIL doesn't like it when people express emotion, so he has trained his wife and son not to express it.
Thus when he saw his DIL expressing it, he was upset.
That doesn't make it okay.
OP also didn't tell us how old the neice was. She could have known her for most of her life or for all of it.
Even then, it's wrong for someone who is grieving to tell another person who is grieving that they don't have a right to be upset because they didn't know the deceased as well as they did.
We all express grief differently. We should never judge others on the way they express theirs.
I think that maybe the FIL knew that he couldn't tell his DIL that she had no right to grieve in the way she did, so he tried to make it about other behaviors.
That's despicable. Her grieving showed that she cared about her neice as though she was blood. That's touchign and admirable, not something he should have seen as grounds for a "sit down"
And if anyone wrote into an advice column about how they though their daughter in law was immature or needy, they would not be told to make a list and confront her.
She is not their daughter, they are not her parent. They have no business trying to change her.
The advice columnist would tell them to let it go. They're not married to the person, their child is. Unless the behavior is hurtful and offensive to your child, then but out.
In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?
[QUOTE] My guess is that this is FIL's style, and DH knows it well from when he lived at his family home. His father as head of his household expressed his feelings to his son in the same way is my guess. Otherwise, why would DH not want to know, what are you sitting down for a talk with my wife for? While comforting her, he was being a rock in poster's eyes. But DH may have been aware (from looks and comments) that her crying and being a total wreck , when the niece was someone she knew but not family, irritated his Dad. For all we know, the whole list was things he and MIL had talked about and agreed he should mention, some grievances for years. What FIL thought of as her crying "making it all about her" about someone she barely knew, FIL and MIL and maybe the niece's parents all thought. We lost our grand daughter. We lost our daughter. Why is someone who met our son 8 years ago and married him 5-6 years ago, but lived OOT and knew niece only a little compared to us , crying and carrying on more than we are? That seems to be what opened the floodgates for FIL. I would guess at least that much (and probably the bug thing) DH was fully aware of before FIL said, we need to sit down and talk. Several sides to this story, we are not hearing. In time, when people are less upset and more rational, there will be time to have other "talks." Funny how often here or in advice columns, people say - you need to make a list of things that are bothering you, sit down with the person, ask them not to interrupt - they can respond later- and in a clear and unemotional way tell them everything that has been bothering you. Do not do it in front of others. And when you finish, make a nice gesture or give them a hug, show this is not hateful, just a need to make your feelings known. Not so nice when you are the one hearing the list of grievances. Or criticisms.
Posted by whatawagSBNy[/QUOTE]