Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?
posted at 8/17/2009 6:35 PM EDT
In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?
Here is my list. And Angel this is not directed at you. As I said before, I don't know you personally and I don't make assumptions. This is just in response to the thread and the hypotheticals that have been thrown out there. 1) FIL was way out of line, no doubt. 2) I think there is a grain of truth in Whata's posts on this particular thread. Nothing wrong with trying to figure out FIL's perspective. Doesn't mean we agree with it. 2) We all know someone who looooves attention and always cries the hardest or laughs the loudest. It's upsetting. When my nephew died, if my brother's girlfriend had shown up and forced him to watch over her instead of letting him grieve with us, it would be been annoying as all he//. NOT saying that is what Angel did, but that is what Whata and Ash are getting at (at least I think!).
Posted by framerican51008
Figuring out the FIL's perspective, in part because this happened at a very tough time in his life. A certain strong, irrational state overcomes people of his age, seeing a child or grandchild die before them. It blows apart their life for a while.
The fact that these things came so totally out of the blue to Angel says, however he and his wife have felt, whatever he and she discussed privately, for 6 years of marriage they have NOT brought these things up. So til now he has never done this; it is uncharacteristic for him to tell off DIL. So maybe his usual for 6 years has been MYOB, or maybe he talks to son.
But now it probably is his style of getting control of a situation. The manner he thought right talking to his kids when little and as teens. Looking out for what he
thinks is the welfare of family. (However cockeyed.)
People often do strange things and have a terrible anger at the unfairness of life, losing a child or grandchild, and taking control as though it will somehow keep the family together, ward off any further loss, is a typical, death and dying response. Displaced anger at God and the universe.
This is his way of crying out loud and screaming at the horror - as irrational as someone who throws himself to the ground and pounds his head. It is simply hard to recognize, because it takes a different form.
Just as most people seem to think, you give a pass to someone who sobs uncontrollably , and do not shut them up for propriety's sake -
Maybe this time
, FIL needs a pass. Not to do this again, not to interfere in son's marriage. Just erase the event. Think - the way he sees it, if anyone else seems to take the loss worse than them, either they did not love the child enough - horror - or something must be wrong with that girl, what she is doing is all about her, because we / I / core family to FIL loved the child who died more than anyone else ever could.
FIL has to believe that. Pushing any challenge to who loved her most
aside, acting in charge of the family and it's welfare as he sees it, blots out the fears and the horrible loss. WARPED? by regular standards. But so typical of many, many in his situation, that people like Kubler-Ross and followers studying "On Death and Dying" found this pattern of coping as common as crying at a funeral.
In the future, FIL needs to go back to Minding His O B. But for all he may say, yeah, I should not have said that - he so deeply needs to do something, I hope Angel and his son can have enough compassion to see how helpless he feels inside, cannot prevent the death of a child, a parent and GP's first duty.
Many families blow apart after a death. It is a good time to not have confrontations. Just step back and say, he is out of his ordinary self, said awful things, but we care enough to just back away. If he were crying, it would look like what people call grief. But this is his form, and a common one, and loving family will make allowances.
If he never got into stuff about son and Angel before, that shows the normal self is not perfect, but within reason.
Just see it from FIL perspective. When someone is temporarily blinded and stumbles and falls, you don't berate them, explain what was wrong with them or how they got off course. You do the compassionate thing, help them to get up and on their feet. Loving family make allowances sometimes.