OT-How should I/we handle this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Thanks Sept, I adore her : ) She was an impulse buy and a strong arm from my daughter who reminded me I promised her a dog if I bought a house : )  She is the sweetest most loyal dog ever.  Never barks, loves kids and people.  I would definately get another one if I had to pick a breed.

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]OMG, I LOVE shi-tzus! Sorry to hijack!
    Posted by Sept2010Bride[/QUOTE]
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    ambergirl, thank you so much for taking the time to write.  It makes me feel better knowing that other people get it.  My mom lived with us for about 3 years, too, with progressively worsening Alzheimers and I was very angry with my sister for never visiting my mom (when she was still pretty coherent and "herself") and also for not offering to help me out ever, even when I asked her directly.

    I don't keep in touch with her anymore, didn't invite her to my wedding, and don't miss her one bit.  It's sad but not surprising.  Sorry you're in the same boat, but like me, I know you're happy that you did the right thing.  The scene at the funeral was something else but I have to say I was expecting it.  Didn't make me want to slap her any less hard but I did manage to control myself. 

    Thanks again! 



     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    To be honest Cosmo, it helped me to read your post and that is why I responded.  My mom has been gone 20 years, but I never forgot my sisters actions at the funeral.  My mother had congestive heart disease, and 2 strokes, so not easy, but must say,  I don't know how you dealt with Alzheimers.  I give you all the credit in the world....  People really don't understand unless they have gone through something like that and I use to have people judge me because I didn't want to be around my sister.  Just real quick, when my brother passed 9 years ago, it was unexpected and we were really close.  I was a mess, but left once again to make arrangements and have people back at my house.  She comes with her family, stays a couple of hours and then announces (without helping me clean up) that her and her daughter have to go to a baby shower, so she was leaving.  I was in shock.  I called her later and used the "anger" stage of grief to tell her what a loser she was and what an idiot she must have looked like at the shower.  How was your day?  Good, just buried my brother today, but congratulation on the new baby!  Know what i mean?  Last straw for me.  I feel better writing this and only people like you and me that have had to deal with this type of situation get it.  Thanks for listening... 

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]ambergirl, thank you so much for taking the time to write.  It makes me feel better knowing that other people get it.  My mom lived with us for about 3 years, too, with progressively worsening Alzheimers and I was very angry with my sister for never visiting my mom (when she was still pretty coherent and "herself") and also for not offering to help me out ever, even when I asked her directly. I don't keep in touch with her anymore, didn't invite her to my wedding, and don't miss her one bit.  It's sad but not surprising.  Sorry you're in the same boat, but like me, I know you're happy that you did the right thing.  The scene at the funeral was something else but I have to say I was expecting it.  Didn't make me want to slap her any less hard but I did manage to control myself.  Thanks again! 
    Posted by cosmogirl[/QUOTE]
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? : Although my FIL and I talked, I am still feeling huge anger/resentment towards him. I have been thinking about it off/on the past few days and broke down last night.  As much as I want to let it go, part of what he said is still consuming me. There are a few things FIL said that I can't get off my mind and don't know if I ever will. I know he is my FIL but if my parents ever found out what had been said to me I think my mom would be crushed and my dad would be livid (and that is being nice). Part of me wants to tell them but the other half is saying spare them the agony of their daughter being insulted. Input anyone?
    Posted by Angel525[/QUOTE]

    don't tell them.  sometimes discretion is the better part.  Telling them will make the situation worse. 

    In general, what good comes from passing on insulting comments to people who will then be hurt by them? 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    "seethe buddy" - I love it!!

    I agree it would be hard not to tell your mom or parents, if you are close with them, but it's likely that the other posters are right in that they would be LIVID and NEVER forgive your in-laws.  I'm not a mom (yet) but I think if someone hurt my kid I would want to go after them with a "white-hot intensity of a thousand suns" kind of vengence.

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Only tell your parents if you want them to dislike your in-laws for the rest of their lives. I would probably tell my mom. Not gonna lie. I'd want a seethe buddy. As much as my husband would empathize, he couldn't seethe with malice towards his own dad and I'd be down for beers and seething. I wouldn't tell my dad. He's too old for prison.
    Posted by helphelpImbeingrepressed[/QUOTE]
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    AB - actually, we do know specifically what was said.  Angel told us in her first post.  Did you read it?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE] Also, we don't specifically know what was said.  My response is a generalized one, but in general, what good comes from passing on insulting comments to people who will then be hurt by them? 
    Posted by downtoearth[/QUOTE]
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Angel, I am assuming your talk with your FIL did not go well.  Since he was so out of line with his list of your faults, I can't imagine a sincere apology coming from him.  He took the time to write it, arranged for you to be alone with him, along with your MIL helping, so he meant what he said.  I have grieved for loves ones and I can assure you any anger I had was directed at people who didn't show up for the wake or funeral, made scenes or stupid remarks.  I couldn't imagine sitting down and writing a list to someone of all their faults and then presenting that after the funeral of my grandchild.  Sounds like a man with many issues and one of them is control.  The fact the wife went along with this, and I too suspect your husband knew, just confirms it.  Your husband allowed his father a few days more after he spoke with him, to speak with you?? As soon as your husband told him how hurt you were, he should have called you immediately.  He had to think about it??? And your DH allowed that???  If my father or mother did that to my husband, I assure you they would be apologizing or I would not be speaking with them.  You have no closure in this because you truly do not have your DH defending you or your FIL really sorry.  You are going to need to put your big girl pants on and tell your FIL how you feel, without him interruping you even if that means you raise your voice to him. You call him, you arrange the time, you take control of this. We are all responsible for our own happiness and being a doormat is not going to do well for you in the long run.  You might get some respect and you will feel much better about yourself.  I wish you all the best...
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    I don't think that telling your parents is the right thing to do.  You're a grown woman with your own family unit.  It's your and your husband's problem to deal with. 


    Your parents can't do anything about the situation and your telling them would only get them upset. 


    Similarly, you wouldn't tell your parents when you have a fight with your husband.  You two will make up but your parents will never forget what you told them and will never feel the same way toward your husband again. 

    Just my two cents. 

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]To be honest Cosmo, it helped me to read your post and that is why I responded.  My mom has been gone 20 years, but I never forgot my sisters actions at the funeral.  My mother had congestive heart disease, and 2 strokes, so not easy, but must say,  I don't know how you dealt with Alzheimers.  I give you all the credit in the world....  People really don't understand unless they have gone through something like that and I use to have people judge me because I didn't want to be around my sister.  Just real quick, when my brother passed 9 years ago, it was unexpected and we were really close.  I was a mess, but left once again to make arrangements and have people back at my house.  She comes with her family, stays a couple of hours and then announces (without helping me clean up) that her and her daughter have to go to a baby shower, so she was leaving.  I was in shock.  I called her later and used the "anger" stage of grief to tell her what a loser she was and what an idiot she must have looked like at the shower.  How was your day?  Good, just buried my brother today, but congratulation on the new baby!  Know what i mean?  Last straw for me.  I feel better writing this and only people like you and me that have had to deal with this type of situation get it.  Thanks for listening...  In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? :
    Posted by ambergirl[/QUOTE]


    Not to hijack, but, ambergirl, I feel like I'm talking to either my twin or my therapist:  when my older sister died unexpectedly (while staying at my house because I had asked her to come out and help me because you-know-who could not have been bothered), you-know-who made a HUGE production out of being sure to be on the same flight as my late sister's body so she "wouldn't be alone on the flight home".  (insert eye roll here).  Meanwhile, I'm scrambling around back here to find respite care for my mom so we can even attend the funeral.   We weren't able to get there until the morning of the wake, so she had plenty of time to tell brother-in-law and his family how wonderful she was and what an ahole I was. 

    This is why I always hang back when people talk about how sacred family is, etc. etc.  I always chuckle and say just because you're related doesn't mean that they're anyone you wouldn't want to kill.  Cheerfully!!!  Thanks for listening! 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    No worries, AB :)

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? : OMG - you're right!!! Angel - sorry - my fault for working and chatting at the same time!! would delete, but it's already copied.  Pinkie - if you'll delete, I can take it back!!!
    Posted by downtoearth[/QUOTE]
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Sorry to hijack too, but have to agree with you, we must be twins!  My sympathies on what you went through and I know you feel the same for me.  It took me a while to realize I did not need her in my life and I am very comfortable with it.  It was hard because people think family is all mighty, but that is not always the case.  Like my favorite saying goes "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family!"  LOL!  Nice to have a kindred spirit in this, so I won't beat it to death.  Wonderful talking to you : )

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? : Not to hijack, but, ambergirl, I feel like I'm talking to either my twin or my therapist:  when my older sister died unexpectedly (while staying at my house because I had asked her to come out and help me because you-know-who could not have been bothered), you-know-who made a HUGE production out of being sure to be on the same flight as my late sister's body so she "wouldn't be alone on the flight home".  (insert eye roll here).  Meanwhile, I'm scrambling around back here to find respite care for my mom so we can even attend the funeral.   We weren't able to get there until the morning of the wake, so she had plenty of time to tell brother-in-law and his family how wonderful she was and what an ahole I was.  This is why I always hang back when people talk about how sacred family is, etc. etc.  I always chuckle and say just because you're related doesn't mean that they're anyone you wouldn't want to kill.  Cheerfully!!!  Thanks for listening! 
    Posted by cosmogirl[/QUOTE]
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Thank you thank you thank you.

    This was the point I was trying to make all along.

    People are drama queens and you can hate them all you want and seethe about them, but keep it to yourself or sympathetic ears. It's not your place to lecture.

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]The important issue here is this: IT'S NOT HER FIL'S PLACE TO ENUMERATE HER FAULTS AND SCOLD HER FOR THEM. She does not need to defend herself, at all. Even if she were wailing and carrying on and dressed like Lady Gaga, screaming for attention at the funeral, her FIL was still wrong to lecture her. He owes her an unqualified apology. Listen to me. I derive no greater joy in this life than to point out the faults of others, and yet, I know her FIL was out of line. What is wrong with you people?
    Posted by helphelpImbeingrepressed[/QUOTE]
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Angel525. Show Angel525's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]I don't think that telling your parents is the right thing to do.  You're a grown woman with your own family unit.  It's your and your husband's problem to deal with.  Your parents can't do anything about the situation and your telling them would only get them upset.  Similarly, you wouldn't tell your parents when you have a fight with your husband.  You two will make up but your parents will never forget what you told them and will never feel the same way toward your husband again.  Just my two cents. 
    Posted by cosmogirl[/QUOTE]

    Why would they have ill feelings towards my husband when he is the one called his dad to let him know how badly he hurt me and upset him (his son)?
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Am I the only one who thinks this thread has gone on long enough and starting to wonder if Angel gets it or is real?
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    she gave us an update and is now defending her DH. I think that's reasonable and no reason to doubt if she's real.
    Why are you assuming otherwise?
    This thread has gone on so long because it became a discussion about grief and coping and how we all deal with that. We went way OT. That's not Angel's fault.

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Am I the only one who thinks this thread has gone on long enough and starting to wonder if Angel gets it or is real?
    Posted by ambergirl[/QUOTE]
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? : Why would they have ill feelings towards my husband when he is the one called his dad to let him know how badly he hurt me and upset him (his son)?
    Posted by Angel525[/QUOTE]

    For the same reason that you still somewhat resent your DH's mother for her role, albeit slight, in this affair.  She could have done something to stop it but didn't.  Your parents will feel the same way about your DH.  They will feel this way whether there is good reason to or not; that's just what parents do when their child is hurt. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Angel - I think you may have misread Cosmo's comment.

    She was making a point through example.  Not suggesting anything in your story is hubby's fault. 
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Angel, yes, we had a disconnect.  I meant that IF you and your husband had a fight, you shouldn't tell your parents about it.................. because you and DH would get over whatever you were fighting about, but your parents would always remember what you told them and never really love your DH as much again.

    And FWIW, who cares how long the post is as long as it's interesting....
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Sorry Pink and Cosmo, you are correct on the length of the post.  It is interesting and I am certainly guilty of keeping it going!  The reason I questioned her being real, is because she really hasn't had any response to the threads on the advise people are giving.  She is updating us, but not sure if she agrees with anyone or if it is helping at all. So when she posted another question, I wasn't sure about her.  But I can see I am probably wrong and Angel no offense meant. 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from helphelpImbeingrepressed. Show helphelpImbeingrepressed's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    FWIW - I tell my mom about fights I have with Mr. Perfect. She still loves him more than she loves me.

    Perhaps it depends on your parents, but I get my contrariness from my parents, so I know that if I told them about a battle royale, they'd take his side, if only to play devil's advocate.

    This is a hard thing for me to advise on, because I'd have had a broken Bud bottle at FIL's neck after 5 minutes telling him to shut his [insert classy, flowery adjectives here] mouth before we had to call a priest for last rites.

    Obviously our family relationships are a mite different.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Angel525. Show Angel525's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Sorry Pink and Cosmo, you are correct on the length of the post.  It is interesting and I am certainly guilty of keeping it going!  The reason I questioned her being real, is because she really hasn't had any response to the threads on the advise people are giving.  She is updating us, but not sure if she agrees with anyone or if it is helping at all. So when she posted another question, I wasn't sure about her.  But I can see I am probably wrong and Angel no offense meant. 
    Posted by ambergirl[/QUOTE]

    I did give one big update and a few small ones. I did that rather than reply to each and every post and fill this discussion. When people voiced their opinion about grief I replied. Again rather than keep replying to everyone elses opinions when this discussion went OT again I just sat back while reading the responses becuase I had already voiced my opinion and did not want to start yet another disagreement within the discussion. Although (as I mentioned before) I did talk to my FIL and have talked about it periodically with hubby it is still naggin at me. My opinion/view on my FIL is now forever changed. I doubt I will ever be able to see him the way I use to.
    Certain aspects of his talk/reprimand/lashing (whatever you want to call it) has had me thinking to the points of being seriously depressed. I have not told hubby how depressed only that I have been "thinking" about what his dad has said. He has tried to get me to forget about it (i.e. saying his dad was wrong in what he said) but I still can't get what he said out of my head although I should probrably let it go. Please forgive me for not replying to each and every response. I read them at work and have to stop  because I feel I will get to upset because it drudges everything up again when I am trying to forget it. I really do want to let it go, but seeing we spend several holidays with his family a year/every other I don't want to have him prove him right when I all but give him the cold shoulder.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ambergirl. Show ambergirl's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    My sincere apologies Angel, Looking back I do see where you replied.  Like yourself I do this at work and get distracted.  I truly do feel for you and I was upset for you. I couldn't imagine the emotions that would bring out if that happened to me.  I think you should tell your husband how this is affecting you.  You are a team and what his father did was very very disrespectful.  You should allow your feelings to be validated.  You are obviously a sensitive person and did not deserve this treatment.  Allow yourself to not like him or want to socialize too much.  Do what YOU need to do to get over this.  Strongly recommend talking to DH.  And I apologize again, for thinking you weren't real. My intent was not to hurt you so please forgive me. 

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? : I did give one big update and a few small ones. I did that rather than reply to each and every post and fill this discussion. When people voiced their opinion about grief I replied. Again rather than keep replying to everyone elses opinions when this discussion went OT again I just sat back while reading the responses becuase I had already voiced my opinion and did not want to start yet another disagreement within the discussion. Although (as I mentioned before) I did talk to my FIL and have talked about it periodically with hubby it is still naggin at me. My opinion/view on my FIL is now forever changed. I doubt I will ever be able to see him the way I use to. Certain aspects of his talk/reprimand/lashing (whatever you want to call it) has had me thinking to the points of being seriously depressed. I have not told hubby how depressed only that I have been "thinking" about what his dad has said. He has tried to get me to forget about it (i.e. saying his dad was wrong in what he said) but I still can't get what he said out of my head although I should probrably let it go. Please forgive me for not replying to each and every response. I read them at work and have to stop  because I feel I will get to upset because it drudges everything up again when I am trying to forget it. I really do want to let it go, but seeing we spend several holidays with his family a year/every other I don't want to have him prove him right when I all but give him the cold shoulder.
    Posted by Angel525[/QUOTE]
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Angel525. Show Angel525's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?:
    [QUOTE]My sincere apologies Angel, Looking back I do see where you replied.  Like yourself I do this at work and get distracted.  I truly do feel for you and I was upset for you. I couldn't imagine the emotions that would bring out if that happened to me.  I think you should tell your husband how this is affecting you.  You are a team and what his father did was very very disrespectful.  You should allow your feelings to be validated.  You are obviously a sensitive person and did not deserve this treatment.  Allow yourself to not like him or want to socialize too much.  Do what YOU need to do to get over this.  Strongly recommend talking to DH.  And I apologize again, for thinking you weren't real. My intent was not to hurt you so please forgive me.  In Response to Re: OT-How should I/we handle this? :
    Posted by ambergirl[/QUOTE]

    I never took offense to you saying I was not real. I have seen a few "fake" posts of my own on various message boards as well. Just to let you know this is something I could never make up on my own. There was one other thing did come up with the FIL in his talk with hubby that I don't think I mentioned. He told him one thing several relatives brought to his attention in asking him about me).  Hubby in turn told me and we are now dying to know who said these things.  We are thinking  what was said may be related to some of my medical issues but we are not sure. It makes me wonder why people who are suppose to love you for who you are can be so downright mean. We are not sure if his dad is dragging the family into this just we won't think it is just him with the gripes. I am now really not sure who in the family I would want to talk to now for the fear of causing more issues and yet another tongue lashing.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Angel - with all respect to the feelings you are going through, what good does it do to continue to talk to anyone about this?  why root out the gossiper?  why continue to review the issues with FIL? 

    it is not easy, but it is true, time tends to lessen these moments.  Lower your expectations on your husbands' family and you won't be so disappointed in them in the future. 

    If you find yourself spending too many holidays with them, and are uncomfortable, then go ahead and start some holiday traditions of your own that don't include stopping by.

    I'm not diminishing the experience, believe me, I understand staying up all night stewing about people's misunderstandings of me, or what they said to me or about me....  it is hard!!!!  

    But you can only control your own actions.  Act well and drop it.  Be yourself and be happy with you - with respect for others, of course. 

    Take care.  Good luck, it will take time. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT-How should I/we handle this?

    Angel, I suggest you share with your DH all your feelings.  Hiding stuff, even for praiseworthy intentions (like saving his feelings) always ends up hurting a marriage.  If you can't be fully up front with him, you'll end up resenting him.  Trust me.

    As for feeling depressed over the FIL's rant...well, I can't tell you how to feel.  However, let me say one thing about feelings.  We are responsible for them.  He was in the wrong (as I posted a long time ago), and you can choose to allow yourself to be in the dumps about it or say "He was wrong to do that and about me so I'm letting it go because I deserve to do that." 

    It takes practice, stragely enough, to handle things the second way.  But, the bottom line is that if you are justified in letting it go (meaning you didn't actually deserve whatever happened) than you just can and will let it go.

    If we internalize everything wrong anyone says about us we become sad, disturbed people for no justifiable reason.  Don't let that happen over this or anything else.

    Take what you can learn from this situation and let the garbage go.  It's time.

    Blessings,
    ~kar
     

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