OT - How would you handle this?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    You could start a rock band and hold practice when she visits.  Just kidding, sort of.  This is one of the tactics I used to try and drive away my mothers husband when they were dating.  Didn't completely work, but they started spending less time at our house.

    Sorry you are going through this.  I hate the pop in, especially when you work a long week and look forward to quiet, mellow evenings with no obligations.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    I strongly disagree with counselling for this. It was a gift from his mom. I am sure that gift is helping you out financially while he is out of work, right? So dealing with her when she decides to come by is better than having to worry about not being able to pay bills til he goes back to work, right? Just deal with it.
    Posted by BiancaB1


    Nope, not at all.  I work and DH is being paid while he's out.  So we're doing just fine financially, and all our bills are paid.  I'm not sure where you read that DH and I are struggling, but that's not the case.

    And for the record, I haven't seen a cent of that money.  I know how she is and I wanted no ties to it.  I told DH to keep it and do whatever he wants with it.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT - How would you handle this?:
    I strongly disagree with counselling for this. It was a gift from his mom. I am sure that gift is helping you out financially while he is out of work, right? So dealing with her when she decides to come by is better than having to worry about not being able to pay bills til he goes back to work, right? Just deal with it.
    Posted by BiancaB1


    Yeah, I disagree.  Where does it say that they are struggling financially?  I realize he is out of a job, but OP doesn't mention their finances. 

    And just because someone gives a gift of money doesn't mean that gives them license to do whatever they want.  Gifts are supposed to be given unconditionally, not to gain control over a person. 

    And grow some balls and post under your real screen name.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT - How would you handle this? : Does DH not have a problem with last-minute plans? Why are last-minute plans not okay, for you, and how can you both come to a compromise on it? Posted by pinkkittie27


    DH picks and chooses when he has a problem with last-minute plans.  If he's feeling up to it, it's ok.  If he's not, then it's not ok.  It's on a case-by-case basis with him.

    Example:  MIL calling and wanting to come over:  fine, because HE'S feeling up to it.  My uncle calling a few weeks ago and wanting to swing by with the new, FREE coffee table that he's giving us?  Not fine, because DH didn't feel like putting pants on.

    Yeah.  It's like that.  LOL!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    If his moods have been way off, as you say, keep an eye on that.  As he heals physically, he should be healing emotionally, returning to his normal behavior.  Keep a journal so trends (hopefully physical and emotional upturns) will be more obvious over the coming weeks and months.  If you see physical improvement but emotional plateau or trend downward you'll be safe in assuming he's in trouble.  Otherwise, if you see the trends improving all around, you'll have assurance that he's pulling out of this in a healthy, steady way.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT - How would you handle this?:
    Nope, not at all.  I work and DH is being paid while he's out.  So we're doing just fine financially, and all our bills are paid.  I'm not sure where you read that DH and I are struggling, but that's not the case. And for the record, I haven't seen a cent of that money.  I know how she is and I wanted no ties to it.  I told DH to keep it and do whatever he wants with it.
    Posted by PugsandKisses


    I have to say, as an adult with a job, I am so wary of a parent bestowing money... it always seems to come with strings.  I was especially jaded by my mom offering to help pay for the wedding then basically saying since she was paying she should have say in our decisions (not asking... stating).  It does sound like DH now feels like he "owes" her and maybe feels he can pay her back by letting her drop in!  Ug, parent-child relationships can be so heavy and complicated... which is part of what scares me in becoming the "parent" part of that!  Undecided
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT - How would you handle this?:
    My uncle calling a few weeks ago and wanting to swing by with the new, FREE coffee table that he's giving us?  Not fine, because DH didn't feel like putting pants on. Yeah.  It's like that.  LOL!
    Posted by PugsandKisses


    Perfect!  Maybe you could inject some humor into all this and use the "pants" analogy to express when you each are or are not ok with someone coming over spur of the moment... "DH, honey, any time someone wants to come by last-minute, ask yourself, 'Would Pugs feel like putting her pants on right then?'"
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    Pugs, I'm sorry you have to deal with this issue.  Tell your SIL to have some babies to get her off your back.  Wink

    Seriously, though, it's tough.  I had a friend who used to tell men that called at the last minute for a date, "I am never available on less than 48 hours notice."  While I appreciate the sentiment, what works on a man who is looking for some action may not be appropriate for your MIL.

    And, Bianca, slavery was outlawed in 1865.  Just because a person gives you money, they don't own you.

    Good luck, Pugs!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    In Response to Re: OT - How would you handle this? : Perfect!  Maybe you could inject some humor into all this and use the "pants" analogy to express when you each are or are not ok with someone coming over spur of the moment... "DH, honey, any time someone wants to come by last-minute, ask yourself, 'Would Pugs feel like putting her pants on right then?'"
    Posted by poppy609


    Haha!  Or, maybe, I just won't put pants on, and that would probably solve all our last-minute guest problems for good! Laughing
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    yeah, you should have a sit-down about plan-making and try and work out a tier system. The concession is that the apartment is shared territory, no one can come in unless both people are on board with it. So you're just as much in the right to decline an impromptu visit from his mom as he is to decline an impromptu visit from your uncle- no matter what it is that you may gain from the visit.
    If one person feels up to last minute plans and the other doesn't, then plans can only happen if they're outside of the shared territory.

    if all else fails- I do like the "no pants" option!! :)

    In Response to Re: OT - How would you handle this?:
    DH picks and chooses when he has a problem with last-minute plans.  If he's feeling up to it, it's ok.  If he's not, then it's not ok.  It's on a case-by-case basis with him. Example:  MIL calling and wanting to come over:  fine, because HE'S feeling up to it.  My uncle calling a few weeks ago and wanting to swing by with the new, FREE coffee table that he's giving us?  Not fine, because DH didn't feel like putting pants on. Yeah.  It's like that.  LOL!
    Posted by PugsandKisses
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    LOL dkb, you make me laugh!!
    Pugs, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My FMIL is annoying the crap out of me right now, but I won't hijack your post. There isn't any advice that I can give you that the other ladies already haven't. You have seemed to work every other issue out, so I am hoping this will be no different.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    My FMIL is annoying the crap out of me right now, but I won't hijack your post. There isn't any advice that I can give you that the other ladies already haven't. You have seemed to work every other issue out, so I am hoping this will be no different.
    Posted by Peonie


    Hijack away!  I like to know I'm not alone in my MIL issues.  Wink

    Did yours all start the second the ring went on your finger like mine did???  LOL!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    Was she surprised you two actually got married despite the engagement, wedding planning, etc.?  Was she secretly hoping you wouldn't?  Is it possible she didn't want her dear son to get married at all (nothing to do with you, possibly)?  Not that it can't happen for less "interesting" reasons, but I've never heard of (F)MIL control issues starting the second the I dos are exchanged.  Nor have I heard of anyone suddenly becoming passive aggressive with his/her parents sometime in adulthood.  This is all very confounding with the little information I have...not that I'm prying for more, I'm just saying I don't understand what is truly going on enough to suggest anything other than getting outside help with someone who CAN get enough information and assimilate it in a helpful way for you.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    Was she surprised you two actually got married despite the engagement, wedding planning, etc.?  Was she secretly hoping you wouldn't?  Is it possible she didn't want her dear son to get married at all (nothing to do with you, possibly)?  Not that it can't happen for less "interesting" reasons, but I've never heard of (F)MIL control issues starting the second the I dos are exchanged.  Posted by kargiver


    Actually Kar, it was quite the opposite!  MIL was always very sweet and we got along great when DH and I were dating.  She was thrilled when we got engaged, and I knew she was dying to help with the planning, so we let her.  I think she took that to mean that she could be involved in EVERYTHING in our lives from that point on.  She started pushing me to spend a ton of time with her and to have a close mother/daughter relationship that I just wasn't comfortable with.  MIL has a very strained relationship with her own daughter, and she told me a bunch of times that she was "getting back what she missed with SIL" with me. 

    It's all very odd. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    Well, that's good, at least.  That woman has some serious unresolved issues...too bad for her and everyone else, too! 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    Maybe it is your MIL who needs counseling...
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    I was thinking that, too, but ya'll already knew that.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    I actually think you two have quite a few communication issues going on:

    you don't listen to each other and take each other's viewpoint re: last minute visitors

    one of you is bulldozing over the other one about having mother visiting

    you  never talked about these types of things before the wedding, therefore it's harder to do so now (because learning something new is hard, and communicating is hard, and, well, we all tend to just "hope for the best" vs. taking the bull by the horns and handling it)

    so I second kargiver and think you should get counseling yourself.  and then soon have your husband join you so you can work on communicating together, so both of you feel heard in the relationship.

    I keep reading between the lines and feel you don't feel "heard" in this relationship with your husband, and that's not good for you or for him.  (mostly for you)

    finally, do NOT do NOT do NOT discuss these issues with MIL, you will end up being the bad guy and nobody should have to be the bad guy. Really, it's not your MIL's problem - she asks if she can come over, he says yes, she doesn't know it's hard on you, since in her world he (and probably therefore both of you) agreed for her to come over!

    good luck!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from June08bride. Show June08bride's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    While I agree with everyone, you should seek couseling for yourself, it will help you deal better and give you some peace of mind.  I just dont understand if your MIL isnt always just dropping by, why this is such a big deal?  At least she called and just didnt show up, which in my opinion would be way worse.  A couple simple solutions if your not up for company and she is really coming by to see her son, go take a bath, read a book or go watch tv in another room or just go out and let them visit one another, but just make sure your DH knows up front your plans so they dont think your being a jerk.  Your entitled not to feel like playing hostess especially if your not up for it and its last minute, but say your hellos and excuse yourself.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    June – it’s not just this one isolated incidence that is setting pugs off, she has posted here a lot about her ongoing MIL issues.  I really like your examples for possible solutions while MIL visits. 

    Also Pugs, if you start counseling yourself first, maybe after a while your DH will follow.  My sister wanted her SO to go to counseling but he refused.  She started going herself, and after a while her therapist asked if he would join them for a session as it would really help out my sister.  He agreed to attend a session - less pressure if it wasn’t about him.  He ended up liking it and joined her consistently after that.  I think guys have a preconceived notion about what therapy is.  My DH was dreading our premarital counseling, but he ended up really enjoying it (and he still quotes the pastor).
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from PugsandKisses. Show PugsandKisses's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    Maybe it is your MIL who needs counseling...
    Posted by Peonie


    Funny you say this...my MIL actually is in counseling!  Obviously it's not helping.  It's kind of ironic actually...MIL says she is in counseling to deal with the way SIL has treated her.  SIL is in counseling herself because she has a tough time with my MIL.  Neither one knows that the other is in counseling.

    My MIL constantly badmouths my SIL to me.  I feel like she's trying to turn me against her, and maybe she's thinking that I'll feel bad and start acting like the daughter she's always wanted.  I hate it, because my SIL and I get along really well.  I've also recently found out that my MIL is not telling me the truth, either -- SIL has her own versions of the stories she tells, and she has nothing to gain by lying to me.

    Things like this make me keep my distance from MIL.  I don't want to ever end up in my SIL's position.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - How would you handle this?

    This is messed up.  If you get counseling, don't go to either person those gals are seeing; they s_ck.

    P.S.  I think I'm pro counseling because I went into it, not to figure out what was wrong with my ex, but to figure out what was wrong with ME.  Why did I make the bad decisions I made?  How could I fix those things so I didn't keep making them?  Ect.  It had nothing to do with someone else when I went.  I think that's the ONLY way it can work, and your MIL's experience is why counseling gets a bad wrap - people go to figure out how to fix everyone around them and/or excuse their own bad behavior by justifying it and blaming everyone else.

    P.S.  A good counselor will see through this and guide the client into introspective contemplation.  Bad ones will let them blather on and on and get nowhere.
     
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