Setting boundaries with the in-laws

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Hi ladies!  I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I was so wrong when I thought my life would quiet down after the wedding.  We've just started the home-buying process, and I think I'd rather plan another wedding than do this.  Wink

    So anyway, I know many of you have successfully set boundaries with your in-laws.  I'm realizing that I need to do this now.  I thought my MIL would back off after the wedding, but she's only gotten more invasive.  She thinks nothing of telling me where we should buy a home, what type of home we should buy, how we should finance it, and that we absolutely need to tell her where we are in the process so she can be included.  She says that since she LOVES gardening, she will be coming over to our house to do it.  She also recently got on my case about not owning a cookbook, and telling me that I need to get one immediately and start making home-cooked meals.  She only says these things to me, never to DH.  This is only a short list of the things she's said, but I'm sure you get the idea.  It's a little much. 

    DH and I are completely on the same page about this.  There are some things in our lives where we welcome family involvement, and there are others that we don't and we choose to keep between us.  He has no problem calling his mother and telling her to back off, but I don't want him to be so harsh about it.  My goal is to create boundaries that will help our relationship with her, not hurt it.

    How did you all handle these situations?  We have got to do something before we even THINK about having a child, I know that much! 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    In Response to Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE]Hi ladies!  I know it's been awhile since I posted, but I was so wrong when I thought my life would quiet down after the wedding.  We've just started the home-buying process, and I think I'd rather plan another wedding than do this.  So anyway, I know many of you have successfully set boundaries with your in-laws.  I'm realizing that I need to do this now.  I thought my MIL would back off after the wedding, but she's only gotten more invasive.  She thinks nothing of telling me where we should buy a home, what type of home we should buy, how we should finance it, and that we absolutely need to tell her where we are in the process so she can be included.  She says that since she LOVES gardening, she will be coming over to our house to do it.  She also recently got on my case about not owning a cookbook, and telling me that I need to get one immediately and start making home-cooked meals.  She only says these things to me, never to DH.  This is only a short list of the things she's said, but I'm sure you get the idea.  It's a little much.  DH and I are completely on the same page about this.  There are some things in our lives where we welcome family involvement, and there are others that we don't and we choose to keep between us.  He has no problem calling his mother and telling her to back off, but I don't want him to be so harsh about it.  My goal is to create boundaries that will help our relationship with her, not hurt it. How did you all handle these situations?  We have got to do something before we even THINK about having a child, I know that much! 
    Posted by kmt09[/QUOTE]

    Oh KMT, we just bought a house thank goodness it is fall and all those plants are about to die or hibernate so I don't have to deal with them!  If you MIL wants she can come garden in my yard if that helps.Cool  I know the previous owner is coming back next month to pick some grapes one last time, and I know she will be horrified to see pretty much everything is dead and the former veggie garden overrun, but we didn't buy it for the gardens, those will be removed next year.

    Anyway back to your issue, I think you are looking for ways to help your DH facilitate this discussion with your MIL so how about helping him establish stock phrases that he can fall back on like:
    "Mom we appreciate your concern, but you and Dad (if applicable) have done a great job raising me to make good decisions on my own.  And honestly I won't be doing it alone KMT and I are making these decisions together."

    "Mom we appreciate your insight but this is a process that we are looking forward to and we can't wait to make our own decisions.  As we define what it is that is important to us in terms of location etc we will share these thoughts with you."
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    First, congrats on house hunt! That's exciting!

    I think Wendy has a good start, but you can stand your ground as well, don't leave it all up to DH.
    When she's giving you the helpful advice, there's always the tried and true "Thanks for the advice, I'll think about that."
    As for things like the garden and cookbook, gently explain that you're looking forward to learning how to cook/garden/what have you for yourself and that you're glad to know she's there with tips and an extra pair of hands if you ever need it. Repeat as necessary. If you give and inch, she'll take a mile.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    [QUOTE]In Response to Setting boundaries with the in-laws : Oh KMT, we just bought a house thank goodness it is fall and all those plants are about to die or hibernate so I don't have to deal with them!  If you MIL wants she can come garden in my yard if that helps.   I know the previous owner is coming back next month to pick some grapes one last time, and I know she will be horrified to see pretty much everything is dead and the former veggie garden overrun, but we didn't buy it for the gardens, those will be removed next year. Anyway back to your issue, I think you are looking for ways to help your DH facilitate this discussion with your MIL so how about helping him establish stock phrases that he can fall back on like: "Mom we appreciate your concern, but you and Dad (if applicable) have done a great job raising me to make good decisions on my own.  And honestly I won't be doing it alone KMT and I are making these decisions together." "Mom we appreciate your insight but this is a process that we are looking forward to and we can't wait to make our own decisions.  As we define what it is that is important to us in terms of location etc we will share these thoughts with you."
    Posted by wendy98[/QUOTE]

    Wendy, those are great phrases; I may have DH read and memorize them!  That pretty much sums up what we wanted to say to her...that we'll be making all these decisions on our own and going through the process on our own, but when everything is finalized we will let her know.  DH tends to be very impatient with her, so I don't want him to say something that will hurt her feelings.  But at the same time, I want her to learn that sometimes she needs to just leave us alone and let us do our thing.

    As far as the gardening goes, that problem has been eliminated!  We've decided to go the condo route for now.  Of course, she may just end up being the crazy lady that comes over and randomly landscapes outside the complex...
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    KMT, I'm sorry you're still going through stuff with your MIL.  I thought it would end after your wedding planning, but it hasn't, huh?  It is definitely too much of her to ask you that she be so involved in all the things you're planning on doing during the home search, and she has no right to feel that she SHOULD be involved.  I think that your hubby needs to find the right words to let her know that her assistance, although appreciated, isn't required.  You can say, "Thanks, I'll let you know if we need you".  If you two require opinions/assistance along the way, then you'll reach out.  Otherwise, she needs to know that she cannot interfere with what you're doing during this time. 

    I can understand how the parents "know more", and want to help, but this is too far of her to insist that she be involved.  Um, says who? 

    I don't even know what to say about the cookbook thing.  Tell her you have a million home-made recipes all logged into your mind, so you can just whip things up in a jiffy.

    Please keep us all in the loop during this process.  I am definitely interested in finding out how you're dealing with this, and what the outcomes are.  I'm going through some struggles with my FMIL, and am fearful of something (exactly like this) happening after the wedding.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    In any relationship with issues that bother you, you must speak for yourself.  Being up front in a gracious manner should be acceptable to any reasonable adult.  If it isn't, that's not yours to own fault for.  It's great he's behind you, but you need to take the lead on defining your relationship with a meddling MIL.  She's his mom, but your MIL - you're as much family to her as your DH is now that you are married.

    Wendy has some great wording and points.  Being forthright and vulnerable is your best bet.  Start off with how scared you are that anything you might bring up between the two of you would "ruin" your relationship, and that you want nothing but a loving, happy one and are confident that is how it can be.  However, her behavior, while it must seem loving to her, feels intrusive to you.  (It's important to say it FEELS intrusive not IS intrusive.)

    You have every right to say that, and if she is as loving and caring as it seems she'll probably not respond perfectly happily right away, but when she reflects on it she'll come to figure out that every adult household/marriage needs its space.  You can say that, too. :)

    Blessings,
    ~kar
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    [QUOTE]You can say, "Thanks, I'll let you know if we need you".  If you two require opinions/assistance along the way, then you'll reach out.  Otherwise, she needs to know that she cannot interfere with what you're doing during this time.  I can understand how the parents "know more", and want to help, but this is too far of her to insist that she be involved.  Um, says who?  I don't even know what to say about the cookbook thing.  Tell her you have a million home-made recipes all logged into your mind, so you can just whip things up in a jiffy. Please keep us all in the loop during this process.  I am definitely interested in finding out how you're dealing with this, and what the outcomes are.  I'm going through some struggles with my FMIL, and am fearful of something (exactly like this) happening after the wedding.
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    I totally thought of you when I posted this, Goodness.  :)  I really did think things would get better, but it's almost as if we made a mistake having her so involved with the wedding plans.  I thought it was a nice gesture, but instead it's made her think she can have her say in EVERY aspect of our lives.  We really don't need her help at all with the home-buying process, and what she wants is not what we want.  She wants us to move to her town and buy a big single family; we want to stay were we are and buy a small condo.  So obviously her input isn't helpful when she's just telling us to do what she wants.  I'm having DH deal with it, because I want her to get out of the habit of contacting me every time she has a thought or an idea.  I want them to communicate more, as it is HIS mother.

    The cookbook thing is making me CRAZY.  I told her about three times already that when DH and I want to cook we just go online and find a recipe, and we have no need for a cookbook.  I also hate cooking, and I'm not going to learn to like it just because we're married.  I will never be Suzy Homemaker, that's for sure.

    I'll keep you posted on how things work out.  Dodging the phone calls and emails worked well for a week or so, but now she's really into the Facebook stalking thing.  Thank god for privacy settings!  LOL!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    KMT, I'm so sorry to read this.  It's making me sad, really.  You seem like a very pulled together, responsible person.  Plus, you seem to be "dealing" with your MIL in a very mature manner.  That, I truly admire.  You want to make sure that boundaries are set, but that the relationship stays in tact and healthy.  That's really wonderful.  I know many people who would be fine with it ruining a relationship or making the relationship difficult or withdrawn. 

    I feel like our actions (yours and mine) are mirrored against one another.  I feel like everything you did to involve her (out of the goodness of your heart), I did as well.  I wanted my FMIL to be involved in SOME of our planning, but she took it to a whole different level.  One time, I asked her what flower she wanted for her corsage, and I can't tell you how many e-mails and phone calls I got from her with the exact flower she wanted.  It was just too much for such a tiny detail.  So, that being said, I know exactly how you're feeling.

    I know you two will make the right steps for her to know to back off a bit.  You could also tell her how excited you are about going through this big, major process with your husband, and how happy you are to be doing this on your own... as a married couple (newlyweds). 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Thank you Goodness, that's very nice of you!  The last thing I want is to have a strained or uncomfortable relationship with my MIL, and I don't want to hurt her feelings.  I just think there needs to be a level of mutual respect between us and her.  This is all new to me, so I'm not quite sure how to go about it.  DH's family and my family are polar opposites.  I don't really know how to set boundaries since we've never had to do it with my family before.  And MIL is tough...she doesn't understand subtle hints.  Or maybe she does, but just ignores them.  :)

    I agree, we're pretty much having the same experience here!  I went through the exact same flower scenario with my MIL.  I don't think any of our wedding related decisions were as difficult as her flower choice.  And then, when she finally chose her flowers, they didn't even coincide with our color scheme.  It wasn't worth making a big deal about it, but it was definitely one of those WtheF? moments.  LOL!

    Her invasiveness with the house thing is very annoying, but that's not my major worry.  Like Pink said, just saying "thanks for the advice, I'll think about it," works wonders in this situation.  But since we plan on starting a family soon, I know I won't be so easygoing if she's telling me what to do/not to do regarding pregnancy and raising our child.  Because then KMT's claws would come out.  :)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    I think the "thank you for your advice, I'll think about it" will work wonders.  I'm hoping that after a few times of you saying this to her, she will get the hint.  But, it is funny how easily some people get the hint, but pretend they don't.  So, stand firm.  Begin setting boundaries with her slowly, and make sure she understands that you two are grown ups and married.  That's a very strong bond that no one should interfere in on. 

    As far as the kids thing, I would feel the same way.  It's a VERY difficult thing trying to hold your tongue when you feel so strongly about how you're going to raise your children or what you plan on doing with them.  It's really none of her business.  My fiance and I have already decided to baptize our children under his religion with no imput from his family or mine.  That was a tough pill for me to swallow, but I did it for him, and it will all be fine in the end.  His religion and mine are very close, anyway. 

    My family and yours is one in the same, as well.  I've never had to set boundaries with them.  I never felt the need to explain things to my parents or tell them, "this is what we're doing".  They just accepted our decisions and didn't intrude.  So, it's hard for me to set boundaries with my FIL's.

    I want to help you!!!  I wish I could talk to you :)
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Hi KMT!  Miss you!

    I'm lucky and I don't have a meddling MIL, thank God, but my grandmother is like this with my uncles, but not my aunts...it's weird.  Although, that whole side of the family is way too involved in each others business and there is constant drama. 

    Sorry you are dealing with this, the cookbook thing would send me over the edge too.  I hate that you're married now so define your role as a wife by my standards mentality.  My mom is very subservient to her husband to the point where it wouldn't surprise me if she literally wiped his buttt. (Sorry, that was gross!)  She couldn't believe it when she was in town that DH cooked and served me dinner when I got home from work.  We switch off nights depending on who gets home first, not a big deal.  She also couldn't believe that I don't do his laundry for him.  Hello, I work longer hours than he does!  If I were a homemaker, maybe he would get lucky and I'd do his laundry ;)

    Anyway, I think everyone gave really good advice.  The sooner you put your foot (gently) down, the better.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Try telling her just not a follow the recepie kind of person. That you like to cook more naturally, and learn things for yourself instead of following instructions.
    Or just be honest and say you hate cooking, so why would you buy a book about something you hate? Hating it doesn't mean you don't know how, it just means you don't care for it.

    And take heart, I also was no cook when DH and I first married, I absolutely hated it. But he and I started to fall in love with it once we moved to someplace with a decent kitchen and started cooking at home. I'm far from Suzy Homemaker, but I can cook a few things quite well now and I actually enjoy it most of the time! Especially since I don't always have to cook. DH is still much better at it than I am.


    In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE] The cookbook thing is making me CRAZY.  I told her about three times already that when DH and I want to cook we just go online and find a recipe, and we have no need for a cookbook.  I also hate cooking, and I'm not going to learn to like it just because we're married.  I will never be Suzy Homemaker, that's for sure. Posted by kmt09[/QUOTE]
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Chin up ladies (specifically KMT and Goodness) you both seem to have great support from your guys and feel free to vent and gather thoughts and ideas here.  I wish I could offer more than words though.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Goodness, let me know when you get the new email account set up!  You can get me at kmt8809 at yahoo.com.  I have a million more in-law stories that I can share with you, and I'm sure you have some awesome ones yourself!  :)

    dkb, I miss you too!  I'm very happy to be having a slow day today.  I think my MIL has the same idea of what a wife should be as your mom does.  There's nothing wrong with it at all if that's what someone wants, but it's not me.  My job is just as stressful and time consuming as DH's, so why should I take on all the household chores?  We actually have a pretty good system going.  For the most part we just grill chicken or meat and make one or two sides.  He does most of the cooking, and I clean up since he hates that.  I've told my MIL this, but she still insists that I need a cookbook.  Guess I know what I'm getting for my birthday in a couple weeks.

    She also has not called me by my first name since the wedding.  I am now "Mrs. John Doe."  Not only have I lost my maiden name, but apparently I also lose my first name and my identity.  IT IS INFURIATING.  Yell
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    It's true. I always thought a phrase like that could never really work, but as long as you always say it, and say it with a smile (even if you feel stupid doing so) it works! I think the simple repetition of it hammers the point home, like how when you correct a dog or cat enough times it finally figures out the meaning of "no."

    In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE]I think the "thank you for your advice, I'll think about it" will work wonders.  I'm hoping that after a few times of you saying this to her, she will get the hint.  But, it is funny how easily some people get the hint, but pretend they don't.  So, stand firm.  Begin setting boundaries with her slowly, and make sure she understands that you two are grown ups and married.  That's a very strong bond that no one should interfere in on.  Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    [QUOTE]Try telling her just not a follow the recepie kind of person. That you like to cook more naturally, and learn things for yourself instead of following instructions. Or just be honest and say you hate cooking, so why would you buy a book about something you hate? Hating it doesn't mean you don't know how, it just means you don't care for it. And take heart, I also was no cook when DH and I first married, I absolutely hated it. But he and I started to fall in love with it once we moved to someplace with a decent kitchen and started cooking at home. I'm far from Suzy Homemaker, but I can cook a few things quite well now and I actually enjoy it most of the time! Especially since I don't always have to cook. DH is still much better at it than I am. In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws :
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]

    Pink, I think part of the reason I hate cooking is because DH is the pickiest eater I've ever known.  He will not eat anything that contains even traces of dressings, vinegar, sour cream, any kind of cheese (with the exception of provolone and mozzerella), any condiment, and anything else he feels is "gross" that day.  I also tend to cook and eat more towards the healthy side, and apparently that's gross too.

    How in the he11 do you find a recipe to accomodate someone like that in a cookbook???  LOL! 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Hopefully she'll grow tired of that on her own!


    In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE]She also has not called me by my first name since the wedding.  I am now "Mrs. John Doe."  Not only have I lost my maiden name, but apparently I also lose my first name and my identity.  IT IS INFURIATING. 
    Posted by kmt09[/QUOTE]
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    LOL DH won't eat anything with vinegar in it either. I just lie about it. He thinks he knows what it tastes like, but in reality he has no clue unless he's thinking about it.

    I say make him cook! The reason I started having to cook is I'm a recovering picky eater, and DH got fed up with my special requests.  Once I started cooking and appreciating the way ingrediants and flavors worked together, I started trying things I thought I hated and found out they weren't so bad. There are still things I'll never eat (cole slaw, mushrooms and tartar sauce) but that list is getting smaller and smaller.

    In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE]Pink, I think part of the reason I hate cooking is because DH is the pickiest eater I've ever known.  He will not eat anything that contains even traces of dressings, vinegar, sour cream, any kind of cheese (with the exception of provolone and mozzerella), any condiment, and anything else he feels is "gross" that day.  I also tend to cook and eat more towards the healthy side, and apparently that's gross too. How in the he11 do you find a recipe to accomodate someone like that in a cookbook???  LOL! 
    Posted by kmt09[/QUOTE]
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    How frustrating! My mother gets annoying like this about the wedding planning. Like the menu - we received a sample when we signed our contract with the venue so I showed it to her. BIG mistake. She wouldn't drop it even though I must have told her 60 times that it was a sample and not the actual menu we are having. She would not drop it until I told her oh so sweetly that since it matters so much to her, if she would personally like to pay for all the food we'd be more than happy to let her choose the entire menu. She hasn't mentioned it since... so if all else fails you can tell dear MIL to buy you whatever condo she deems fit. :)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    I wish I had some advice to give, but I don't.  I'm too new to this MIL business! 

    For Goodness's sake, however, I would like to say that I haven't really had any issues with my MIL since the wedding.  I had my fair share of issues throughout the planning, but since the wedding it has been smooth sailing.  She doesn't call as much, she doesn't offer up as many unsolicited opinions, etc. 

    The only thing she did that upset me was that she asked in a disgusted tone of voice why the caterer didn't pour champagne or pass wine at the wedding.  We said, Because that costs money.  Then she said she would have paid for it if she knew we weren't going to do it.  Oh really because we were engaged for 34 months and you never once offered to pay for anything that entire time!!!

    Of course, when we do get pregnant or buy a house, I expect that she will start offering up all kinds of opinions.  But for now, things have cooled down and I hope they will for you too, KMT and Goodness.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE]. I am now "Mrs. John Doe."  Not only have I lost my maiden name, but apparently I also lose my first name and my identity.  IT IS INFURIATING. 
    Posted by kmt09[/QUOTE]

    This would drive me crazy too.  You should just look over your shoulder when she addresses you that way, as if you're wondering who she's talking to.  Or turn to your DH and say, "Honey, do you have another wife that I don't know about?"

    I'm partially kidding, but it would be hard to tell her you don't like it when she calls you that, because then it will look like an insult to your DH! 

    Sorry you're going through all of this!!  I wish I had more advice, but I think what's been given so far is all very good. :)
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    I don't have any different advice, but I hope this works out for you guys! It's great that your guys are behind you; that's really important to present a united front. I bet there are books on dealing with MILs during pregnancy.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE]Goodness, let me know when you get the new email account set up!  You can get me at kmt8809 at yahoo.com.  I have a million more in-law stories that I can share with you, and I'm sure you have some awesome ones yourself!  Posted by kmt09[/QUOTE]

    I need to sit down and set up an account.  I feel that you and I are on the same boat.  Our situations are so similar... ah!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    Yes, it is HIS mother.  But, the fact that she's calling and interfering with YOU means you have to deal with her on it.  Going through your DH is passive aggressive much as it pains me to say it.

    I think a lot of you, kmt, and know you will handle it in the best way possible which could be different than I'm suggesting - you are the one there.

    Best,
    ~kar
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws

    In Response to Re: Setting boundaries with the in-laws:
    [QUOTE]Yes, it is HIS mother.  But, the fact that she's calling and interfering with YOU means you have to deal with her on it.  Going through your DH is passive aggressive much as it pains me to say it. I think a lot of you, kmt, and know you will handle it in the best way possible which could be different than I'm suggesting - you are the one there. Best, ~kar
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Kar, I completely agree with you.  Even though you wrote this to KMT, I feel so close to her situation.

    I've done the same thing only because I'm too scared to tell her that she's being too involved, expressing herself inappropriately, or being too harsh with me.  I'm pretty firm with her when she's openly telling me what she thinks that I 'should' be doing.  But, I say it all with a smile (when we're face to face), laugh/giggle (when we're on the phone), so she doesn't think I'm the one being aggressive.  There are definite times when she needs to back off.  There are definite times when she has to think before she speaks as I don't think she really cares too much about what she says or the tone she uses.  Unfortunately, I've had to tell my fiance that his mother has hurt my feelings, and it has got to stop.  This was the first time I've ever said anything to him.  He was very understanding about it, and held my hand telling me that we're going to be all right, and how sorry he was for the way she's acting.  Even telling me that he doesn't know why she's acting this way.  I did tell him that I understand why she's acting this way, and I will be understanding.  But, there are times when he's got to take the lead and take responsibility for his mom's actions, and then she can take responsibility.  Who knows, maybe she really doesn't know how things sound to me when she's being so abrasive.  I just feel badly for him that he really doesn't know. 
     

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