Dress Shopping Etiquette

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from pandamand5. Show pandamand5's posts

    Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Background:
    I've known my fiance since 6th grade, but we didn't start dating until 10 years AFTER we graduated from high school. We have the same upbringing, values, and similar experiences (high school, worked together, etc.). He is absolutely my best friend.

    Situation
    Everyone gets so excited when someone is planning a wedding. Sometimes it feels like they are having a wedding vicariously through you! I mentioned to my BOSS that I was going to look at dresses this weekend. She asked with who? I said, my fiance. (We are having a small family wedding, planning it together, and he knows my taste better than anyone, even family.) Needless to say, boss and co-workers were horrified. The boss then said, "WE'RE going to take you dress shopping...I'm going to send an email and we (2 other female co-workers as well) will have so much fun!!"
    Needless to say, and I'm sure some of you can relate, that there is sometimes more stress involved than "fun". Which is why you want a supportive, realistic, person who knows you, to help out.

    Question:
    Is this a type of situation where a) people are trying to help you out, or b) are they just trying to have a reason to go wedding dress shopping? (One person got married last year and is obsessed with weddings; another got married and never had a wedding; the third is single.)

    Follow-up - is it bad that I think it's kind of inappropriate for someone to invite themselves along, on this type of event? I haven't even asked my mom or sister to go dress shopping with me, because I don't see eye to eye with their fashion opinions.

    I had wanted to do it simply, quietly, just the two of us. But apparently it's coming across as a HUGE faux pas. I wanted to know your thoughts. Is it ok to bring your fiance? and am I getting annoyed for no reason that she invited herself along?

    Thanks!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    it's probably a mix of the reasons you list. They think they're helping you out and they want to go look at wedding dresses for the fun of it.

    But the bottom line is that the only people you should have with you are the people you want to be there. If you want to bring your fiance, bring him.
    It's okay to tell them that you only want your fiance there. Thank your boss for her enthusiam and support, but say that you want your dress shopping experience to be a small, personal affair. I'm sure she'll understand.

    I went dress shopping all by myself because I didn't want to feel any more overwhelmed than I already was. If I had brought my mom or even my best friend, I probably wouldn't have ended up getting the dress I bought. I might have second-guessed myself, or tried to please them instead of myself.

    If bringing just your fiance is what feels right to you, do it.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    In answer to your questions, I think this is probably a combination of both: the eager shopping volunteers probably mean well and DO genuinely want to help you out, and they might also looking for excuse to look at beautiful gowns.  (I must admit that I love wedding gown shopping and have gladly accompanied friends on such trips; I would NEVER invite myself along, though).  

    Shopping for the dress is personal and you shouldn't feel pressured into bringing anybody, no matter how well-meaning they may be.  Just demure and say, "Thanks so much for your kind offer, but I fear having too many opinions would just complicate things.  But what do you think of these bouquets?" (hand over a few clippings from bridal magazines).  Or, maybe invite them to go veil or shoe shopping once you've already chosen your dress.  That way, you are still "including" them in the process and showing that you value their opinions (always a good idea when your boss is concerned) while keeping the most personal shopping trip for your wedding just that - personal!

    As to your question about whether it's a faux pas to bring your fiance dress shopping, that comes from a traditional superstition that it was bad luck for a groom to see his bride in her gown before the ceremony.  It tends to be a generational thing, although I am 27 and I happen to be rather romantic and old-fashioned and would not want my fiance to see my gown before I walk down the aisle.  That's just me, though.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Claddaugh. Show Claddaugh's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Hey pandamand
    While I'm sure they mean well, I agree- I might be kinda annoyed too that they invited themselves along. I get it.

    So- first- about the faux pax of not bringing your fiance. I think if that's what you both want to do, then do it! For me, I am horrible at keeping suprises from my husband, so I really really wanted to surprise him with the dress and see his reaction when I came down the aisle. If what's important to you is to have him there with you to pick the dress, who's to say that it's not right?

    Second- what to do about the dress shopping. If you really don't want these other folks to come along, you have got to tell them. Say you're thankful for their willingness to help, but be firm that you'd rather just keep the shopping low key and go just with your guy. You could tell them that you'll take some pix of you in several dresses and bring them to work for their recomendations if you want to include them in a small way.

    I loved planning my wedding and I loved loved loved looking at dresses, so I understand these women's excitment. But if this isn't want you want, you should just let them know. They'll understand. And if they don't, you definitely wouldn't want them there anyway!!

    Good luck!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    and bringing the fiance is much more common these days than people would have you think. On almost every episode of Say Yes to the Dress there's a bride shopping with her fiance.
    I would have brought my DH if his taste in fashion wasn't totally different from mine. And we took our formals before the ceremony, so he ended up seeing me in my dress before I walked down the aisle anyways. But the look on his face when he first saw me was still priceless.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pandamand5. Show pandamand5's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Thank you all. I'm not 100% sold on whether or not he'll actually see me in the dress before the wedding, and who knows if I even come across a dress I like enough to try on (I'm on the hunt for a Cotton Dress, afterall). I think I'll have to make that decision when I've actually found a dress.
     
    I'm traditional in some areas, i.e. told my fiance that despite recent trends I want to wear my engagement ring AND band on the same hand, so it's important that they fit. But on the flip side, we did find the engagement ring together; I just had no idea he was going to buy it, or when he would even give me a ring.

    I like the idea of taking a picture of the dresses I pick out, and asking co-workers for opinions...or asking for help with the veil or bouquet.

    For some weird reason, wedding shopping was so much more fun when I was doing it for make believe!!

    Thanks for the help!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Hi Pandamand5: Your coworkers are TOTALLY overstepping their bounds.  They sound sweet, but they sound like they are making your dress shopping more about them than about you.  Dress shopping for me was fun but also stressful, and like you said, you aren't going with your sister and mother, who might feel sad if they find out you went with coworkers and not them.  Tell your coworkers that you appreciate the offer but you are all set and are doing it with your fiance.  I think it is funny too because not only did they try to take over your experience, but they also judged your decision to go dress shopping with your fiance, which is very common now and none of their business. I totally would have taken my fiance because he's great at helping me choose clothes, but he really wanted to be surprsied.

    Tell them nicely but firmly that you appreciate the offer, but you really want to do this special milestone with your fiance.  End of story.

    PS.  Yes, I definitely think they just want an excuse to go dress shopping.  And no, you are not wrong to think they are acting inappropriately.  I completely agree and I find their behavior rude, they are completely overstepping a line to try to take over and invite themselves along in something so personal.  I'm actually kind of mad about this for you!!  But then again, they might just be clueless, so just tell them NO and forget about it.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    ---I'm sure she'll understand---

    No Pinkie, I am sure she will NOT understand, or she would never have invited herself along. Unfortunately sometimes - not that I am at all supporting this - one has to treat rudeness with rudeness.
    The OP should just tell her, "Thanks for your offer, but FI an I are looking forward to do this together." No more explanation needed.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    pingo- that's exactly what I suggested. what do think I meant by: "It's okay to tell them that you only want your fiance there. Thank your boss for her enthusiam and support, but say that you want your dress shopping experience to be a small, personal affair." ?

    and how is saying "Thanks but no thanks." rude? it's got two thank yous in it, it's liek the opposite of rude.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    hi Pingo!  I don't think your response is rude at all.  I think it is firm and to the point.  Her coworkers sound a little pushy, so being firm in her reply is necessary, not rude.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    I agree, "Thanks, but no thanks" is not rude.  We are all entitled as human beings in this society to turn down even a gracious offer.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Oh god, I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than go wedding dress shopping with my boss. I wouldn't even say anything; go shopping with whomever you want, then later when the boss says something, reply, "Oh, I got my dress! I love it. And by the way, here are the numbers for the McDoodle account."

    I took my mom and MOH with me, but if you want it to be just you and your FI, go for it. Lots of women on Say Yes to the Dress take fiances. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    It's merely a tradition based on superstition, not a rule, that men don't see their wives-to-be in their gown before the wedding.  As with any tradition, we are all free to participate or not, no harm no foul whether we do or don't.  Why people feel entitled to gasp and faint when a bride suggests their fiance is going dress shopping with them I have NO IDEA.  Superstitions never guided my behavior, and I don't give a rats behind what people think about it because I can't possibly be hurting by my not participating in superstitious traditions.

    Rules of etiquette are there to protect feelings and keep a society running smoothly.  Traditions have no such burden.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Hmm, like WPP I would be a little shocked if my boss wanted to go dress shopping with me. I am going in April and only invited my two MOH's and my mom. The last thing you want is three people from work, who may very well have extremely different styles throwing out all these opinions. Wedding dress shopping is supposed to be personal and as relaxed as possible. I would kindly say that you appreciate the gesture, but would prefer to only bring a long your fiance.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    P.S. Kar I have to agree with you on the whole reaction thing that some brides get when some people frind out about them "breaking" certain traditions. My fiance and I are doing our formals before our ceremony, and some people have "gasped" at the idea of us seeing each other before me walking down the aisle. I think it is so silly at some peoples reactions. Oh well, our day, our way!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    A simple "while I appreciate your concern/support/care/enthusiasm, this is something I want to do just with my fiancee, thank you though" should suffice.  And maybe, like others suggested, asking their opinion on two or three different bouquets or pairs of earrings when the time comes.

    The other thing to remember, I sure as h**l wouldn't want anyone I work with seeing me getting in and out of dresses, possibly flashing my bits about!!!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    In Response to Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette:
    The other thing to remember, I sure as h**l wouldn't want anyone I work with seeing me getting in and out of dresses, possibly flashing my bits about!!!
    Posted by Prill


    HAHAHAAH!  yes, good point!  My "bits" were flashed quite a bit since my MOH kept opening the dressing room door wide open while I was pretty much naked.  Our room opened up into the mirrored area where everyone and their families were sitting.  I had to hide behind dress bags!  It was funny, she was so oblivious!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Oh, my!  Embarassed
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Ohmygoodness Prill that is a reeeeally good point!!
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    Pinkie,
    I was only responding to your ---I'm sure she'll understand--- part.
    If this woman is so pushy to invite herself and two other people to go bridal dress shopping with a coworker, I do not believe she will understand. If she did, would have kept her mouth shut.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Dress Shopping Etiquette

    I was being charitable and thinking that the reason the boss offered to take OP dress shopping was because she assumed that the only reason someone would go shopping with their FI was if they didn't have anyone else to go with.
    sort of like how when I told people I went dress shopping alone they said "Awww, I would have gone with you!" like my reason was that I didn't have anyone to go with. Once I explain that I wanted to go alone, people understood.
    But honestly, if someone doesn't understand a firm "Thanks but no thanks", then they're a lost cause.
     
Sections
Shortcuts

Share