21+ Wedding - kind of long

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from 91909Bride. Show 91909Bride's posts

    21+ Wedding - kind of long

    Hi All!

    Ok, I haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to know what people thought on this topic.  My fiance and I have decided to have a 21+ wedding with one exception - his neice.  We had to put a cap on the age because we both have a lot of cousins that are under 21, and we simply can't afford to invite all of them.

    My parents are paying for the reception, and my Mom asked back in November if I would invite her cousin, plus her three children, all under the age of 16.  I told her that if she really wanted them to be there that was fine, but we are trying to keep the wedding to 21+, but I would invite her cousin with a guest and she can take a good friend/boyfriend what have you.  My Mom was fine with that, and we haven't brought it up since.

    Now.  A week ago my fiance's mother came up to me and said "I just want to let you know that FI's father is going to ask you to invite Sally, Sue and John to the wedding".  The oldest of these three children is married, and just turned 22 a little while ago. The other two are 16 and 17.  At first my MIL wanted to just invite the oldest who is married, but I thought that may cause problems in the family.  This is also my FIL's Godchildren.  I don't feel like I can say...SORRY...21+!!  But at the same time, I literally just said no to my Mom who is paying for the wedding a couple of months ago.  FIL is the type of person who would most def hold a grudge, and I don't know if he would ever forgive me for not inviting his godchildren.  But then its like...where do I draw the line?  The 16 year old is really close with his other cousin that is 15, and my MIL said I may have to invite her too, but she has a younger brother that is 11...and now it is just out of hand!

    I don't have a problem inviting the godchildren, I just don't want this to get out of hand...and I don't want to hurt my Mom's feelings by letting them invite my FI's cousins, and she couldn't invite hers (PS, FI's parents...not contributing for the wedding at all...not that it matters...just background info!!).

    aaaannnnnddd this rambling is what happends when I let it all build up!!  Any advise that you guys can give would be greatly appreciated!  Thanks!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from luvRIboy. Show luvRIboy's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    Sounds like a tough spot to be in...you've set a boundary, you've explained it, you've enforced it with your mom, and now you're being asked to give an exemption. 

    Question: is the niece who's under 21 a part of the wedding party?  We tried to give everyone who was not over 18 a "job" in our wedding (ring bearer, flower girl, bring up the gifts, etc), and it's made explaining the no kids policy so much easier. 

    I think this is a spot where your FI needs to have a conversation with his parents, not only about why you made this decision, but about the slippery slope that making an exception leads to.  And if your FI is the one having the talk, without you there, he can also bring up budget and how your mom is working under the same boundaries. 

    A long response, but like I said, a tough spot to be in.  Definitely leave the conversation in your FI's hands though...his family, his job!!!

     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    Wow, that's a tough situation for you.  First off, I think it's great that you were able to discuss this with your mom and come to a compromise about her cousin.  It sounds like you have an excellent relationship with your parents and you're able to talk about these things without anyone getting upset.

    Since your FIL and MIL are not contributing anything to your wedding and you have decided to have a 21+ reception, I don't see anything wrong with telling them that you simply cannot accomodate your FIL's godchildren.  Again, you're compromising by inviting the 22-year-old, which is good of you.  My only issue is this: why isn't your FI having these conversations with your MIL and FIL?  They're his parents, so he should be the one discussing these issues with them.  It's not fair for you to be placed in that situation on your own.

    The guest list is always one of the most stressful parts of wedding planning.  I hope you find a resolution to all of this so you can enjoy the rest of it!  Smile

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from 91909Bride. Show 91909Bride's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    I agree that the conversation is one my fiance should have with his parents, but the problem is he is his Dad's best friend...and if his Dad wants to invite them, then my FI's thought would be why not?  I love my FI very much, but he just doesn't think about the consequences are to saying "yes" to a couple people under 21, then not to the rest!! 

    And I kind of caused the situation because when my MIL told me last week that her husband was going to ask me this, I didn't just say...sorry they aren't 21 so we can't invite them because her AND my future SIL were both there saying that it wasn't a big deal, and instead of getting into a fight at his cousin's shower, I just kind of sat there and said nothing!  RATS! 

    Kmt - thanks for the kind words about my relationship with my Mom...she is fantastic and I am very lucky to have her helping me with everything!!

    The neice that is under 21 and coming to the wedding is not in the wedding party, and ironically, his neice and nephew that ARE in the wedding party aren't coming to the reception (that was something that was actually suggested by their parents!).  His neice is a special circumstance where is was to be invited period...and I am totally on board with it, and it is justified!!

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    After hearing more about the situation, it sounds like you and your FI need to have a talk.  You really need to be on the same page about the guest list before you can talk to your in-laws about it.  Just explain everything to him the way you did with us.  Talk to him about how inviting the godchildren is an extra cost to your parents, and that other people will be offended when they realize that their children were not invited but these children were.  Hopefully he'll get it.  Men have a hard time understanding these things sometimes.  :)

    Also, I think you were smart to say nothing when your MIL and SIL brought this up at the shower.  It wouldn't have been the time or the place, and you really need your FI's support before you address this.  You definitely don't want to do this alone; it doesn't seem like they're being reasonable at all.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from dbilodeau. Show dbilodeau's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    [QUOTE]The neice that is under 21 and coming to the wedding is not in the wedding party, and ironically, his neice and nephew that ARE in the wedding party aren't coming to the reception (that was something that was actually suggested by their parents!).  [/QUOTE]

    What if they come to the ceremony and not to the reception like his neice and nephew in the wedding party, since the reception is 21+?
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    I agree that you should talk to your FI.  But, as far as dealing with FMIL, just remember - it's YOUR wedding.  She should respect that.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from 91909Bride. Show 91909Bride's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    [QUOTE]What if they come to the ceremony and not to the reception like his neice and nephew in the wedding party, since the reception is 21+?
    Posted by dbilodeau[/QUOTE]

    That is a good idea, I will suggest that to my FI and see if he will pass the message along!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    Hope it works out for you!
    And try to explain it with the angle that if you start picking and choosing which <21 kids get to go, that feelings could be hurt and you don't want to risk it. I think one exception is fine, anymore than that and it starts to look like you just invited the kids you liked and left out the ones you don't.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    We had an adult only wedding, BUT we made exceptions for family.  We had my nieces (who were 7,9,11) and my godchildren who were 13 and 15.
    I think sometimes brides make rules and then don't feel they can bend them for special circumstances.  Personally I'd bend the rules for godchildren and close family members, but that's just me.
    Good luck with whatever you decide.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ilovebeagles. Show ilovebeagles's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    We are doing the same thing for the same reasons. Some people are unhappy, but both sets of parents have been awesome with telling people this is our day and this is how we want it.

    Bottom line - people are going to complain about something, you can never please everyone.

    However, both my FI and I are getting to the end of hearing about how people want their little kids to come. When you have a big party and you are paying for it, invite whoever you want. Until then, shut up!!


    I agree you have to draw a line. If FIL is a grudge-holder, he is just going to pick something else to hold a grudge about. You cannot live trying to please him your entire life, because you wont be able to, it sounds like, even if you were perfect. You have to do what is going to make you the happiest.
    I agree this needs to be FI's job to bring this up, but definitely make sure you guys talk it out first and are on the same page.

    Good luck!

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    I was in this situation for the rehearsal dinner.  We decided "no aunts and uncles" 'cause it was too many.  My mom asked about her sister-in-law and brother, and I said, "Sorry, we set a rule." Months later, I found out that fiance's dad invited his brother "because he's from out of town." Um, ALL the aunts and uncles are from out of town!!!  So, since we couldn't uninvite them (plane tickets for the day before, etc), I had to call my side and explain what happened and hoped they didn't feel slighted.  They understood that these things happen.

    So, all I can suggest is that if you feel you really can't get away with sticking to the rule in this case, go to your mom and apologize and express how awkward it all is and how you wish you could wave a wand and make it all fair (in a nice way, of course, not snide like it might sound in print) but you can't and hope she understands.  If my experience is anything to go by it will work out fine.  I guess  I'm suggesting to not rock the in-laws boat at this point regardless of whether they are contributing (or not as the case may be) to the wedding cost.

    Good luck!!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Missy509. Show Missy509's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    [QUOTE] So, all I can suggest is that if you feel you really can't get away with sticking to the rule in this case, go to your mom and apologize and express how awkward it all is and how you wish you could wave a wand and make it all fair (in a nice way, of course, not snide like it might sound in print) but you can't and hope she understands.  If my experience is anything to go by it will work out fine.  I guess  I'm suggesting to not rock the in-laws boat at this point regardless of whether they are contributing (or not as the case may be) to the wedding cost. Good luck!!
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I disagree. If your mom is paying for it, I really dont think after telling her that she is not allowed to invite so and so, but, you will allow FI's family to invite the same type of person you wouldnt allow your own mother who is paying for it to invite!

    Tell FI's family there is a strict budget and that there is no wiggle room and that's that. If you tell him this and he still insists, he is just downright rude and even more the reason to stick to your guns.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ilovebeagles. Show ilovebeagles's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    I agree with Missy!
    Although, I do think Kargiver's point is valid, especially to keep the peace.
    But, it appears to me this FIL is looking for any reason to be upset, so I dont think any effort on OP's part will be sufficient. Why cause trouble with her dear mom, with whom she has a great relationship? I dont think FIL is worth all of this.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Missy509. Show Missy509's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    I just dont think you should be a doormat to "keep the peace".
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from 91909Bride. Show 91909Bride's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    Ahhhh, see??  This is the SAME INTERNAL STRUGGLE I AM HAVING RIGHT NOW!!!!  Do I just stick to my guns and say no under 21 means no under 21, or do I just deal with it, and explain to my Mom why I have to invite his cousins?  And my FIL is the type of person who when he is coming up....we are to cancel plans, and see him.  So we are constantly changing our plans to suit his needs.  I just feel like this is the one time I DON'T have to cater to what he is feeling, and if I don't want kids under 21, then I'm not going to have them!  It also stinks because the parents of the children in question are really awesome people, and of his whole extended family, I feel closest to them. 

    The real annoying part is my Mom know how my FIL is, and would totally understand, no matter how hurt she was.  I just want to avoid hurting her, you know?

    My Dad on the other hand...he would cut everyone but the immediate family, so I'm not going to him with this one!!

    Thank you girls!   This has been a huge help (and it makes me feel like I am not crazy for feeling the way I do!!) 

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lizinboston. Show lizinboston's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    This is so funny because my best friend from HS got married this past New Years Eve and because of that she wanted it to be 21+ due to the fact that they were having open bar and it was going to be very expensive because the reception ran till 12:30am to ring in the new year. She really didn't want any underage kids there because she just wanted it to be a huge celebration for everyone and not have to worry about people going home early, etc, and to cut costs down. Well the grooms mom threw a huge fit about three weeks before the wedding and I remember my friend stressing big time. The grooms mother wanted about 7 underage kids to be allowed at the reception, so my friend agreed only if she would pay for their meals, and her FI's mother refused, so my friend said no. It's hard and you have to make tough decisions, but the grooms parents were not paying for the reception, so if they were not going to pony up the dough, my friend was not going to allow underage people at her reception. I hope this helps!!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    It's YOUR wedding, your parents are paying, your FI's family is making zero contribution, so you have no obligation to invite anyone.  It sounds like it's just impossible to make your FIL happy.  You're better off standing up to him now than letting him think he can call the shots throughout the rest of the wedding planning and your marriage.  I'm irritated for you just reading all this!  Haha!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: 21+ Wedding - kind of long

    I agree, you're going to have to stand up to him at some point, better do it now and get it out of the way. I had to do the same thing with my MIL. She likes me better now that she knows I'm not afraid to rock the boat.


    [QUOTE]It's YOUR wedding, your parents are paying, your FI's family is making zero contribution, so you have no obligation to invite anyone.  It sounds like it's just impossible to make your FIL happy.  You're better off standing up to him now than letting him think he can call the shots throughout the rest of the wedding planning and your marriage.  I'm irritated for you just reading all this!  Haha!
    Posted by kmt09[/QUOTE]
     

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