2nd wedding - registry?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from rhm327. Show rhm327's posts

    2nd wedding - registry?

    I have a question since I've never had one of my friends remarry. My friend and her fiancee have both been married before and are getting remarried this fall (they are in their early 40's). Her sister is throwing her a shower. I would have thought they would not be having a shower and registry since they have both been married before and neither is just starting out. They are registered for things like sheets, pots, pans, plates, even one of those Kitchen-Aid mixers that's several hundred dollars. What is the prevailing thought about 2nd weddings - do most people register for gifts?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    I personally wouldn't register or have a shower if I were on my second wedding.  Esp where the couple is older, I think it's kind of icky.  I would get them whatever you feel comfortable getting them for a gift [price wise]. If you want to go to the shower, then go.   
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    In the case of a second wedding I would be ok with a celebration because well it is good to celebrate that your friends have found love.  So a shower would seem a bit weird to me in the traditional sense, but I would like to give a gift and go along the lines of a nice bottle of wine and a gift basket type of thing.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    I think registering for a second wedding is a bit tacky, especially if they both had traditional weddings before and registered at those ones.  I think having a party to celebrate the engagement or even a shower type party would be fine and fun, but since it is their second time around, I don't feel like they should be asking for gifts.  Isn't the idea of a shower to help a new couple set up their home?  Sounds like this couple is just taking advantage of an opportunity to have their friends upgrade their household.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    I think it is OK. They have every right to celebrate their happiness/starting out/life together! :)
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

         It used to be a no-no.  But often a lot of years have passed, they have mostly new friends, and their household goods may have suffered from the division of property known as divorce.
    Sometimes the divorced spouse of both of them got all the kitchen stuff, and all of the heirloom family china and furniture,  or media and tech stuff, leaving the couple marrying 2 sets of some things and whole rooms of nothing.

       It is flexible.  No obligation, but you may want to do a shower or a wedding gift.
       My only divorced sister sold or gave away the majority of her possessions at the time of her first marriage, because her RB husband from a well off family inherited a gorgeous house, summer cottage, and very high end antique furnishings a few years before , from his grandparents.  Every wedding time gift of money, or anything pricier than kitchen towels, that his family and his law partners (most of his friends) gave was given before the date of marriage, addressed to him individually, and had a note of a notation on the check, personal gift to RB.
    Everything given by my family, sister's friends, and his casual friends (like tea towels and utensils) was given labeled as for your wedding, addressed jointly.
         So even though his legal defense for financial shenanigans was paid from their joint earnings during the 3 years they were together,  leaving little, he got back the inherited house and stuff (which was in a trust, never community property even though she lived there)  and every gift before the wedding which had been labeled personal gift to him, even though it arrived near the wedding in silver paper  (cards and checks he had not shown her). 
         He also got half of all wedding gifts that either were given as wedding gifts (law calls those joint)  or simply bought from their registry.  When they were married, she thought it strange that his family gifts were the same items they had registered for, but not a one from those stores, so not technicality from their registry.  Like labeling things personal gifts, the well to do prepare to preserve property.
         People married before may not bring many household goods to a wedding.  Sister's current fiance sold everything but clothes etc. after his wife died, since he was moving here from Canada, and spent his cash on grad school after moving.  At 28 and 2 years together, they have what they have earned in 2 years, less their grad school loans which they have focused on paying off.  Not much but hand me downs and inexpensive student dorm type stuff.
     
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from jasmine09. Show jasmine09's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    whatawag--that is CRAZY!  My god!  I never heard of such a thing--then again I probably don't know very many people with enough money to make that kind of game worth their while.  But STILL, isn't giving a WEDDING gift of all things in such a hedged way kind of insulting? 

    You have a point that circumstances are everything, and registries for a second marriage can sometimes make sense!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Wow, I guess I never considered how awful divorce can be.  What a terrible story.  I eat my words.  You really never know what someone else has been through.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    In Response to Re: 2nd wedding - registry?:
    [QUOTE]whatawag--that is CRAZY!  My god!  I never heard of such a thing--then again I probably don't know very many people with enough money to make that kind of game worth their while.  But STILL, isn't giving a WEDDING gift of all things in such a hedged way kind of insulting?  You have a point that circumstances are everything, and registries for a second marriage can sometimes make sense!
    Posted by jasmine09[/QUOTE]

         Attitude is everything with these folks.  Scream if they lose a penny, but think nothing is wrong with manipulating funds, stock, retirement accounts to gut everyone else life savings - as long as a good salary is made while doing it.  My former BIL  was the kind of preppy reptile that gives lawyers their bad rep.  Always thought they should wear large crocodiles, not tiny cute alligators on their shirts.
         My FIL and brothers, cousins own several small trades supplies and businesses- carpentry, remodeling, that stuff.  After leaving a law office, walking out after a 3 hour deposition before the 4 lawyers asking questions were through, FIL commented - They wear those snakeskin belts, alligator shoes, and carry sharkskin jacket to show who they have beat out recently.  Might have been the firm where my sister's hubby worked.
    Such a nice Connecticut family, live not far from Martha, Queen of smile graciously while you lie.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Honestly, I'm not sure it's any worse than couples who have lived together for years registering for stuff.  Traditionally, the idea of a shower is to help the couple set up their new home.  With couples who already live together, or people who have been married before, that's not necessary. 

    I'm all for celebrating the love, but ... to me, it's a little weird to register for a second (or third or fourth or ....) wedding.

    Then again, aren't registries pretty tacky anyway? From an etiquette perspective?  Useful, yes.  Classy, not really.  (But we all do it, and we love them.)
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ilovebeagles. Show ilovebeagles's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Well, the couple can do whatever they want, you are not obligated to buy a gift if you dont think it's right.

    I tend to agree that if you got the whole shower/big wedding at the first wedding, you shouldnt do it again. I also think having a big wedding with the white gown is silly on the 2nd wedding too, and expecting the same people to give you money/gifts again! Once is enough.

    However, I do think couples should register if its the 2nd for one and the first marriage for the other, as the first-timer should get the whole experience. I am picky, lol.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Well, if RHM knew that this couple, who are presumably close friends, had had a situation like Wag's sister, then I don't think she would be asking the question.  Holy cow, Wag!  It's like they knew from the outset that the marriage wouldn't work.  Who does that?!!!!  That's freakin' bizarre.  You sister is probably better off w/o that crowd to begin with.

    I also agree w/ beagles. If it's a first wedding for one but not the other, then I don't have a problem w/ people having a shower.  Otherwise, I don't think it's necessary for a second wedding for a couple in their 40s. 

    FWIW, I also don't think second baby showers are appropraite unless there is about a 10 year lag between kids.  It's one and done for all showers in my book.  If a couple wants to register, that's fine. It's the shower that I mostly have a problem with.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Prill. Show Prill's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    I agree with most others here - if there has been some extreme hardship (e.g - previous spouse took everything, house burnt down and they lost everything), then having the registry sits a little better than if they just do it to get more/specific things.   Like beagles though, I don't get people doing the whole big dress, veil, formal thing for a second wedding either. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    It used to be that people didn't.  But, this seems to have changed.  When I remarried, all our friends and family asked where we were registered.  We registered for people's convenience.  Just because it's a second wedding doesn't mean the couple shouldn't get gifts at all, and why not get them what you know they want?  Everything off our registries was bought so there didn't seem to be an uprising against it since I'd been married before.

    P.S.  And, my FSIL insisted on throwing me a shower, and I didn't even want one (at first).  There was never any thought that I could sense on either side of the friends and family about how I shouldn't really have one 'cause I'd been married before.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    I tend to think that if each person has been married before, then maybe a more low-key registry is okay.  I don't know what I think about that, honestly.  A friend of mine got remarried a couple months ago.  She's been married once, but her husband hasn't.  They had the big wedding... white dress on her and all.  To each their own, I don't know. 

    As far as what's right?  Who knows until you're in that situation.  I do think it's odd if both people have been married before and they have a registry and a big white wedding.  Who knows, though.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    ...and, yeah, divorce is more agonizing and destructive in every way than anyone who hasn't been through it can possibly imagine.  We don't get to have a big, fancy, real wedding experience just because we made the biggest mistake of our entire lives however many years ago that tore our lives apart?  Who's to say she doesn't deserve the mixer she's always wanted?  And, I never wanted to eat another bite off the plates I shared with my first husband.  They were given away.  I'd sooner eat off my hands.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    In Response to Re: 2nd wedding - registry?:
    [QUOTE]...and, yeah, divorce is more agonizing and destructive in every way than anyone who hasn't been through it can possibly imagine.  We don't get to have a big, fancy, real wedding experience just because we made the biggest mistake of our entire lives however many years ago that tore our lives apart?  Who's to say she doesn't deserve the mixer she's always wanted?  And, I never wanted to eat another bite off the plates I shared with my first husband.  They were given away.  I'd sooner eat off my hands.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Aww, KAR!!!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Wow - your poor sister!!  What I don't get is all of these people who gave those "personal," pre-wedding "wedding" gifts to your former BIL - was everyone EXPECTING him to get divorced and wanted to make sure his fiance (soon to be wife) would get totally SCREWED??  That's so horrible - I feel for your sister and hope she has recovered.  And people wonder why the uber-rich tend to have a certain reputation!!  Argh, it makes me so angry!!


    In Response to Re: 2nd wedding - registry?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd wedding - registry? :      Attitude is everything with these folks.  Scream if they lose a penny, but think nothing is wrong with manipulating funds, stock, retirement accounts to gut everyone else life savings - as long as a good salary is made while doing it.  My former BIL  was the kind of preppy reptile that gives lawyers their bad rep.  Always thought they should wear large crocodiles, not tiny cute alligators on their shirts.      My FIL and brothers, cousins own several small trades supplies and businesses- carpentry, remodeling, that stuff.  After leaving a law office, walking out after a 3 hour deposition before the 4 lawyers asking questions were through, FIL commented - They wear those snakeskin belts, alligator shoes, and carry sharkskin jacket to show who they have beat out recently.  Might have been the firm where my sister's hubby worked. Such a nice Connecticut family, live not far from Martha, Queen of smile graciously while you lie.
    Posted by whatawagSBNy[/QUOTE]
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Kar, I thought of you and your situation immediately when I first read this thread.  Who knows what type of marriage the people had their first time around, and who is anyone to judge?  I don't know.  People are too quick to judge and make opinions on anything having to do with a wedding regardless of the situation.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Let me clarify.  I wouldn't register b/c I don't think showers are appropriate for 2nd weddings, not b/c I don't think gifts are appropriate for 2nd weddings. I never give physical gifts for wedding gifts - I write a check or give cash. My family gives money for weddings gifts, and physical gifts for showers only.  Since I wouldn't have a shower for a second wedding, I wouldn't have a registry. I'd use those cash gifts, checks, etc to purchase my own dishes, towels, or anything new in the way of housewares that I might need.  Does that make sense? 
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    In Response to Re: 2nd wedding - registry?:
    [QUOTE]Wow - your poor sister!!  What I don't get is all of these people who gave those "personal," pre-wedding "wedding" gifts to your former BIL - was everyone EXPECTING him to get divorced and wanted to make sure his fiance (soon to be wife) would get totally SCREWED??  That's so horrible - I feel for your sister and hope she has recovered.  And people wonder why the uber-rich tend to have a certain reputation!!  Argh, it makes me so angry!! In Response to Re: 2nd wedding - registry? :
    Posted by heatherv1211[/QUOTE]

         My sister bridled a bit when MIL brought up the need for a prenup  before they were married (I was there.)  Sister's response was that since
    1.  the house, cottage, classic Bentley, and major furnishings and antiques were all inventoried & carried under a trust, and
    2.  it was her understanding that he had under 5,000 in savings, and over 50,000 in credit card debt that would take a while to pay down, while she had more than 70,000 in her earnings saved (by 24- modeled)  and no debts
        
         the fact that as a lawyer her would likely always earn more than she did would take years to even out.  Standard community property laws would do it.
         We (including my sister) were all astounded about his family deliberately tying up the gifts.  And we had heard from his then in love wife my sister how sweet it was he promptly wrote the thank you notes for all his side's gifts!
         They about fell over when she said she did not want even temporary alimony, because she considered anything from him or his family was tainted,and she believed in standing on her own 2 feet.  I guess they see well off (not super wealthy) son marrying middle class girl   means she would try to make a profit off him.(actually, they always referred to her as working class, I think a way of saying my physician father and PHD Mom were only a generation away from fishing boats and farming orchards.) 
    Not to mention that after the lawyers fees were paid up front (all they had in savings) she got the legal separation - and the several hundred thousands in fines from financial felonies he will be paying off for a while  will not touch her,  but they act like she is of lower class than the criminal and now disbarred lawyer they raised.
         This time she really is marrying Mr. Nice guy.  It perplexes me that lots have asked - is she registered, and then asked - WHY?  Since no one is asking for any gifts, why did they ask if they think they won't want to give them to a divorcee and a widower?
    The basic answer I give is - they don't have much coming into marriage.  Period.  But family on both sides and close friends who know the medical bills of his wife's he has paid, and how her property settlement went, are being amazingly generous.

         Most divorced/ remarrying people I have known have either been married under 4 years and split, or got divorced as empty nesters.  Except for a couple abused wives who left with their clothes and kids, different group, who needed everything long before thinking of marrying again.  
         So I have never given a lot as shower gifts except things that are handmade or sentimental,  or immediate use stuff like maple syrup and preserves.  Probably gave half as much in cost or time spent for wedding gifts, too.  But this has made me wonder if I just assumed they had a lot.  And maybe should have looked a little closer.    Live and learn.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    It makes sense, ALF, but there are just as many people, I think, that want to give physical gifts (instead of cash) who want to know what on earth the couple wants regardless of whether they've been married before.

    It's not like people are cashing in on the joy of getting gifts twice by getting married twice.  No one plans it that way, and no one would have gone through the pain of a divorce for a second chance at a registry.  Not that anyone is saying that, but to say no shower, no registry, icky, and such I infer that's what is behind it, but I could be mistaken. 

    Cash is the easy way to do it, but not if you are anti-giving cash as a gift as many people are.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    In Response to Re: 2nd wedding - registry?:
    [QUOTE]Kar, I thought of you and your situation immediately when I first read this thread.  Who knows what type of marriage the people had their first time around, and who is anyone to judge?  I don't know.  People are too quick to judge and make opinions on anything having to do with a wedding regardless of the situation.
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, Goodness. :)
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    I have no problem with showers or any other typical wedding traditions for someone who has been previously married.  I have a good friend who is in her late 30's who was married before - she has been divorced for many years and has almost sole custody of their 8 year old son, and she is getting married again next weekend.  She has struggled terribly for money in the time since she divorced and needs a lot of the same things that someone who's never been married needs.  I loved attending her shower, very excitedly bought her a fun gift, and am very much looking forward to her wedding and seeing her in her gorgeous wedding gown.

    Conversely, I had a friend, also in her late 30's, get married a couple of years ago who had never been married before, but had in the couple of years previous to her marriage bought herself all new dishes, towels and other household stuff that she did not have and was tired of waiting to be married to have.  They registered for all new dishes, towels, etc. 

    Single, married, divorced, widowed, separated... you never know what people have or need just from their status unless you know the person intimately.  I know there are people out there who take advantage, but unless I know the situation for sure, I'll assume they are not doing that.

    On a separate note, my mom's friend's daughter (early twenties) got married, huge, elaborate wedding, and three weeks later called her mom and said she didn't "feel like" being married anymore.  She moved home and KEPT ALL WEDDING GIFTS, CASHED ALL CHECKS.  Wow.  My mom's friend (the mom) didn't see any problem with this.  My mom's entire view of this friend changed.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: 2nd wedding - registry?

    Wow, Whata... that's insane.  I'm glad she found Mr. Nice Guy now!
     

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