A Real DOOZIE!

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    A Real DOOZIE!

    Hey Ladies!

    I had my wedding this past Friday and it was so much fun!  I can't believe it's over already!  I'll post vendor reviews soon.

    But of course, what would a wedding be without drama, so I need some advice and a good vent.

    The Monday before the wedding, my father called me and said my mother wanted to know if my cousin could bring her boyfriend to the wedding.  I said, unfortunately no, I just couldn't accomodate him, nothing against him, but the venue already had the numbers, the seating charts were all done and I didn't have any more of the special paper for the charts left.  (We printed out the list of people at each table and put them in a huge frame).  He said ok. 

    Tuesday, after getting waxed, my hubby calls and says "I'm so frustrated, I just got off the phone with your mom and she said that the boyfriend is going to the wedding."  I was livid.  My mother was out of control with the guest list and didn't listen to hubby and I about number limitations, so this last incident was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

    I called her Tuesday evening and in a calm voice, vented my anger, hurt and frustration about how we felt.  She didn't say a word to me, there was dead silence on the other end of the line.  I ended up hanging up the phone.  She wouldn't speak to me for a few days.  Thursday before the wedding, she called to see if we were getting our nails done; ignoring the issue.  I was fine with ignoring it at that point because I didn't want to be overly stressed on my wedding day. 

    Friday, wedding day, in church it was time for the Eucharist, and my cousin walks up to the altar, in a WHITE dress, which barely covered her bum.  I figured that was her big FU to me for not allowing her boyfriend to go.  All of the friends and family that I knew had significant others, were invited with them.  This cousin is 19.  If she and her parents felt that this boyfriend was that important, wouldn't they have asked at the RSVP date, instead of a couple days before the wedding?

    To top it all off, as if the white dress and asking to invite someone weren't enough, Hubby and I get introduced and head into our first dance, and there's the boyfriend, sitting closest to the dance floor.  I had a table for all of my cousins, and the poor sister of this cousin had to sacrifice her seat for the boyfriend.  The poor cousin has lived in the shadow of her little sister since the beginning, and I just felt so bad for her.  Trampy cousin was dancing like a stripper on her boyfriend, sucking face on the dance floor, just making a fool out of herself; yet I was the jerk.  None of her family said anything to me the entire night, no hello, goodbye, congrats, nothing.

    My sister talked to my mother after the wedding, and my mother said "well, she wasn't wearing a wedding dress."  My sister was like, "that doesn't matter, you don't wear white to someone's wedding!".

    So what do I do, what do I say?  Do I do anything?  Do I just ignore it?  Who do I speak to?  Mom and Dad, Aunt and Uncle, cousin?  BTW, I've never really had a relationship with this cousin.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Congratulations, Teeny!

    I don't really know what to say about the other stuff - I probably would have asked them to leave, but it's too late for that now (my very large brothers-in-law would have been happy to escort them out).  I'm not really sure what can be done, since it's someone that you really have no relationship with and don't want one with. 

    The most you could do is say something to your mother about it like, "I thought we agreed that Skanky wasn't going to bring her boyfriend..."  But, even then, I don't know how much it would help.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Congratulations on the wedding!! 

    Let it go - if you never had a relationship with this cousin you never need to.  There's nothing you can do to change what happened, and clearly her objective was to upset you.  Why make her even happier with her stunt by complaining to the big family guns about how rude she was?

    Looking forward to your wedding reviews.  I know you were on a tight budget and we're all looking forward to reading about your ideas and vendors that pulled it all together!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    What is wrong with people these days? You get an invitation or you don't.
    You get an invitation w/ guest or one just for you. Please act accordingly. A wedding is not a casual cook-out, where if you bring a friend it will not matter much.
    I am sorry this happened to you, Teeny. I think the one at fault here the most is your mother. She should have stopped the cousin or aunt or whoever asked in the tracks, before it even came to you.
    I know, you must be angry (I would be too), but please take the high road. Don't say anything to anyone. The ceremony and reception are over and it would help no one to bring up the subject. If you must say something - speak to your Mom.
    As for your trashy cousin, everyone at the reception would know of her behavior. It will not put a mark on you.
    You said you had so mush fun at your wedding. Just keep remembering that, your cousin, who you do not have much contact with, will eventually fade into thin air. Somehow, we always only remember good memories.
    Btw. Congratulations on your marriage! - Pingo

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from toytrumpet. Show toytrumpet's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    I'm with Kargiver - let it go.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Ugh - what an annoying situation!!  I feel for you.  Probably the best thing would be to let it go...

    If she ever gets married and invites you, bring a screaming infant to her wedding.  Even if you have to borrow one.  ;)
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Twins or triplets would be better.  Especially if you could take a moment to nurse them during the ceremony and/or reception. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Hey Teeny!  Congrats!  So happy for you!  I can't wait to see your reviews as well!  (I still need to do mine... :)

    I agree with everyone else, you just have to let this go.  I know how frustrating it is, but it is in the past and it is not worth prolonging the issue especially since you don't have a relationship with the cousin.  You may want to talk it through at some point with your mom, but even with that, I would WAIT a few weeks, maybe a month or two (so you can see it in perspective as time goes by, it probably won't bother you as much).  If you do decide to talk to her, do it in a way that is not accusatory but more of "It really hurt me that you did this ..."

    But truthfully, I don't think much good will come of that conversation either, so if you can, just let it go.

    I don't understand people either.  We also had a family member ask 4 days before the wedding if they could bring a date (not a girlfriend, just a random girl so he'd have "someone to dance with").  If he had asked at the RSVP time, we probably would have said yes.  But 4 days before the wedding was just SO rude!!!
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    In Response to Re: A Real DOOZIE!:
    We also had a family member ask 4 days before the wedding if they could bring a date (not a girlfriend, just a random girl so he'd have "someone to dance with").
    Posted by trex509


    I didn't realize that you were the only female at your wedding.  How did that work out for you?  ;)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Haha Lucy!  Yeah, tell me about it!  It is funny, I read about these types of situations on theknot and was like, "oh our family would never do that!".  Boy was I wrong!!!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Congratulations, Teeny. 

    So, your cousin came to your wedding looking and acting like a ho.  You really don't know if your mother passed on the "boyfriend can't come" message or not. 

    The "what to do" part is easy.   Of course you do nothing.  There is nothing to be gained by it - the wedding is over.  Getting in another argument with your mother is stupid.

    She'll be remembered forever more as "the ho at Teeny's wedding", so why better revenge could you ask for.

    Let it go and move on. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from meanbean220. Show meanbean220's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Sadly, as much as you want to say or do something, and no matter how right you are, there really is nothing you can do.  You just have to let it go, and find comfort in knowing you are now happily married, and that the worst thing that happened at/around your wedding is that your trashy cousin behaved predictably, and you weren't the only one to witness it.

    We had a similar situation when DH's aunt (whose name was the only one on the invite) RSVPed with a total of 7 guests coming.  We let that slide, but then 2 days before the wedding, she wanted to know if she could add one more.  Having already given our final count to the venue, we said no.  Wouldn't you know, we walked into the meal to find 7 empty seats at the table next to ours!  It still irks me 3 months later, but we figured if the worst part of our day was that people who weren't invited to begin with didn't show up, then we did ok!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Teeny, congratulations on your wedding.

    As for your cousin- she is obviously in desperate need of attenion, otherwise she wouldn't have behaved in such a shameless manner. Don't give her the satisfaction of any more attention. If anyone says anything to you about it, you can say what I said when my MOH pointed our my cousin's girlfriend was wearing a white dress to my wedding "Poor thing, she probably didn't have anything else or had to borrow it. How embarassing for her." Don't let on that it made you mad. I'm sure her skanky outfit didn't detract from your bridely beauty. And if you ever get invited to her wedding, resist the temptation to get even.

    The person I do think you'd have to speak with is your mom. Perhaps after the spectacle your cousin made at your wedding, your mother might admit it was a bad idea to give into her. But you should mostly stick to how it hurt you to have her deliberately go against your wishes for your cousin, who then acted in such a disrespectful way.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from booklover. Show booklover's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    When I read Teeny's post, my assumption was that she was asking advice on what do to about her mom's behavior and reaction, not the cousin's.  I think she knows the cousin is a lost cause and it sounds as if they didn't have much of a relationship before the wedding - likely none at all, now.  I mean, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either, after that performance.  It's just too bad she had to invite her in the first place.

    But - with regard to Mom - I would say something.  Let the drama die down a bit, maybe schedule lunch with her in a week or two.  Tell her you need to talk about how her behavior made you feel.  First - Mom should have headed off her relatives at the pass and simply said "no" when asked if Skankette could bring her boyfriend.  But she didn't, she made you be the bad guy, and it sounds as if she didn't even pass along your answer.  That's classic passive-aggressive behavior.  Her actions had a direct effect on you and resulted in the decrease of your enjoyment over your own wedding.  Shame on her.  But lay it out and let her tell you why she did what she did.  I wouldn't even interrupt - let her talk.  The less you say, the more she will be compelled to say.  I'm sure you don't know the whole story and she may actually have other reasons.

    That's my advice.  I'd be interested in a follow-up post if you find out more information.  Best of luck. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Congratulations Teeny!!  Hope you had a blast!

    I agree that, if anything, you should talk to your mother about how she didn't back you up.  Ugggg I have had the same type of experiences with my mother where I tried to talk to her about something and she literally did not say a word.

    Your cousin is a lost cause.  Hopefully she'll grow out of it.  It doesn't seem like you know if anyone even told her not to bring her boyfriend, but that doesn't excuse her behavior at the wedding.
    I remember when I was about 21 and my brother backed out of going to my cousin's wedding.  I was away at school and asked my mother to say I'd bring my boyfriend instead.  It was a week or two before the wedding so I assumed she'd want someone to fill the spot.  Of course now I know there was a chance she could have paid for one less meal.  I wish my mother would have said no!!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Unfortunately, the real issue is with my mother.  My little brother, only in middle school, heard a lot of what was going on and said he couldn't believe they were doing this to me, before the wedding even happend.  For a child to interpret that on his own speaks volumes to me!  My father told me that my mother explained the situation to my uncle, before the wedding, I don't know what was said though, since my mother wouldn't talk to me before the wedding.  Most likely because she didn't want to tell me that she knew he was going. 

    My mom lost sight of her immediate family by trying to please everyone else, which resulted in hurt feelings for my husband and I.  Her excuse is always, "put it in God's hands", or "it will work out".  Basically, that I am overreacting.  My father told me that sometimes we need to do favors for family, but like I said earlier, this incident was the final straw, I had done enough favors for everyone because I was beginning to sacrifice my own happiness.  My brother said that my parents were fighting a lot about it.  My father defended my mom to the world, even though he felt she was in the wrong, and tried his best to explain to her why she was wrong.  That is incredibly frustrating.  I wish he had spoken up to me about that, I wish he had my back at the time.

    I would like to speak to my mom about it, I really am angry with her.  The fact that she had my father ask me, and then went ahead with it even though I said no, really irked me.  Why did she bother asking if she was going to once again do what she wanted?  My husband is dumbfounded and wants me to speak to her.  I suppose I will wait until it does die down and then approach it, but I'm not so sure if I will want to at that point.

    Cosmo, you made me laugh "She'll be remembered forever more as "the ho at Teeny's wedding", so why better revenge could you ask for."  Though I think I'll have to "regretfully decline" her wedding invitation, since apparently, this boyfriend is "the one". 

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    my mother in law (husbands step mother) wore a white lace dress to our wedding
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    JEnvie! That's just nuts, what's wrong with people?!  LOL  I just have to laugh about it at this point, if not I might go nuts myself!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from JEnvie. Show JEnvie's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    i was oblivious to it until my friend grabbed me and said, i can not believe your mother in law wore a white lace dress - now its all i see in the pictures!

    you can pick your friends, but not your family!
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from tibird. Show tibird's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Ok I'm having trouble with "reply", but Teeny, you said:
    "My husband is dumbfounded and wants me to speak to her.  I suppose I will wait until it does die down and then approach it, but I'm not so sure if I will want to at that point."

    I think that says it right there.  At the moment, things are really fresh, raw & emotional.  It is wise to hold off until everyone calms down a little.  And like you said, you may not want to at that point.  It may blow over, and what could be accomplished by dredging it up again?  Or, it may come up in conversation later on when someone comments on a photo of Skanky & bf.  If it does, mention how you thought that he wasn't even coming or something.   No need to create more drama.
    We had issues with my MIL and guest lists.  We vented to each other & avoided her for a while after the wedding until we calmed down.  It's still irritating over a year later, but I'm glad we didn't have any more fights after it was over.

    Good luck & congrats!!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    If you're angry with your mom and it is over the bigger issue that this incident exemplifies, deal with that with your mom.  I'd avoid having the cousin's behavior being the focus - deal with your mom's behavior and how it makes you feel. 
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Thanks everyone, I'll just have to let this marinate for a while.  Kar, you're right, I'm angry with my mom over the bigger issue, not just the cousin fiasco, so I'll have to think long and hard about how/if to approach it.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    I know you've gotten a lot of advice and won't pile too much more on, but in regard to what to do about your mom, I would start with: is this new, unusual behavior, or is this somewhat typical or a pattern that you have known about throughout your life?  If it was just wedding craziness, I would say try to let it go, or at some point say calmly that it bothered you, but don't make a huge deal of it. 

    If it's a pattern of behavior... it's a bit more tricky (in my mind).  Because you are now in a new union with your husband, you will both likely be affected by these behaviors and it might be a good idea to try to figure out the best way to deal with them... which is probably not to just "let it go". 

    This is, of course, all my own opinion so I hope I haven't said anything to offend you!  I have difficult relationship with my own mom, and since I've gotten married I've found I really need to deal with it differently than when I was single, because it affects my husband and will affect our baby (when he or she arrives in a month). 

    Hopefully your mom won't do what mine did when I confronted her about her COMPLETELY freaking out to me (including telling me I was selfish and horrible) that I was scheduling my wedding for the day AFTER my distant cousin was getting ordained as some kind of minister in Worcester (in her mind, it was rude of me to schedule another event that weekend, even though the ordination was a 1 hour deal in the morning the day BEFORE the weddng and a total of 5 people were involved who were also invited to my wedding), then claimed no recollection to freaking out.  After bringing that up once, I let it go, and nothing crazy like that happened again, thankfully.  Although I'm obviously still bothered by it if I'm talking about it 1+ years after the fact...
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Definitely "how" not "if," imo.  Write her a letter even if you never give it to her; it will crystalize your thoughts.  Take your time, write things down as you think of them.  Organize them into a letter and read it to yourself a few times.  Either use it when you confront her or take the solidifying of your thoughts and feelings the exercise of writing it gives you and go from there without the letter.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Congratulations Teeny!

    I agree with the rest of the girls...Let it go.  I have a cousin very similar to your situation however she has already told me that she will be unable to attend due to a vacation scheduled before my STD went out....long story whatever!  Your cousin obviously can't handle mature, adult situations and tried to take the attention away from you but sounds like she just looked like a fool.  Since you don't have a great relationship anyways, ignore it..don't invite her to anything else and go on living your fabulous life with your dear husband!

    Congrats again!  


     
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