A Real DOOZIE!

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Thanks ladies, Poppy, CONGRATS!! and I'm so sorry about your mom!  My mom also called me selfish during that last week, though not to my face.  If she only knew.  Her behavior wasn't new, although planning a wedding was a first for all of us, so there were some new issues that came up. 

    It wasn't just my cousin who was atrocious, my aunt and uncle weren't exactly gracious guests either.  At one point, my aunt on my father's side asked if the two women dancing were a lesbian couple.  Nope.  They are my aunt and cousin! 

    The family issue will be put to rest, although I'm not thrilled with them.  My mom does need to be dealt with.  Kar, I like your advice to write a letter.  I think that will be the best way to tell my mom how I feel. 
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Well if this situation isn't the biggest advert for eloping I don't know what is. 
    I hope everyone out there realises what a huge stress planning these big days can be, and how they can avoid all of it and the bitterness that goes with it by jetting off to hawaii, getting married on some beach, and emailing the pics to family and friends. Any transformation into Bride-zilla thus avoided. 
    It is, after all, about the person you love, right? (And not about silly fairy-tale dresses and junk like that). 

    I agree that the bad memories will fade, and in fact you will end up laughing about it in the future. 
     
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  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Hold on there a mintue-

    Weddings are not a horrible waste of time, money and energy. Let's not let a few horror stories and bad situations make us cynical downers that can't have a good time or believe in love and romance. Bitter is no way to go through life.

    And really, to let a few tales of family drama constitute as a reason to do away with the legal state of matrimony is that much worse.

    Sure, Teeny's been through a lot with this situation, but do you really think she'd have gone back and not had a wedding if she had known this one thing would happen?
    How about it Teeny- would you have rather eloped than had your wedding, your mom and cousin's bad behavior included?

    I know I wouldn't trade my wedding for an elopement, even with all the stress it caused, or things that went wrong along the way. The stresses that came with it are small in comparison to my positive memories about it.
    It didn't kill me, it made me stronger. I got married that day in front of my dearest friends and family, and we had an awesome time. It was well worth the stress and the cost.

    You can't just avoid any possible stressful situation in life. That's not how you live a fulfilling life. You have to take chances. You have to take the bad with the good.
    It's like saying kids are just a huge stressful waste of time and money because sometimes they do bad things, have accidents, or die. It's just a defeatist attitude that's not going to get you anywhere.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Thanks, Teeny!  Good luck with your situation!  And Congrats again!
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Hi Kit,
    I completely agree that you can't go through life avoiding stress. Because one day when it unavoidably hits you you will be unable to cope. 

    But weddings thesedays have become absolutely ridiculous. 
    When people have to literally take out a giant loan (better spent on a house downpayment), spend a year of their short lives planning minute details, and all the stuff that goes with it it has to be asked if its worth it. Not the being married in front of your friends and family part, but the actual wedding itself. 

    Sadly in a lot of cases its the actual wedding itself that takes over like a cancer, and I have heard of a fair few couples that spend so much time planning and talking about it, once the wedding is all over and they are finally on their own without any pomp and ceremony they kindof look at each other and end up getting divorced soon after. 

    Some people are programmed for this big fairytale day since they are children, all I am saying is that it should actually be about the people involved and not silly silly things like dresses, table decorations, who wears what, flower arrangements, gift-lists, uncle Bob getting drunk and passing out etc etc. 

    I am all for taking a day off work and running over to the registry office to say a quick  "I do" with a handful of people I genuinely like as witnesses (and no politically invited people). Then maybe a night on the town afterwards. All done. No pomp or ceremony required. Just pure love. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from teeny331. Show teeny331's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Interesting.  I got eloped, and religiously married the same man twice.  I wouldn't have done it any other way, though if we could have initially married in the church I would have skipped the elopement. 

    I thouroughly enjoyed planning my wedding, but I kept the real meaning of a wedding in focus.  My priority was making sure that the wedding would be an enjoyable time for our nearest and dearest to celebrate the love my husband and I share, and the combining of two families. 

    I agree that people lose sight of that and that weddings these days are a lot about one-upping the next, but as long as your heart is in it (the marriage) and you can afford it, by all means, throw the biggest, most fanciful bash you want!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from beastsgirl. Show beastsgirl's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Not that it's any of my business, but weddings are joyful life-affirming events. Maybe MIL's are acting unreasonable because of hormonal issues or something. Not me yet, but I hear it happens. I don't know, maybe a "ya, I know what you mean, but this is how we planned it out,but could you help me out with (fill in the blank) "Just my 2 cents" bg
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    I guess I should add the disclaimer that I am very anti-tradition, though. So am most-probably biased in this respect. 

    While I understand traditions from a historical point of view this does not make me want to take part in them, unless I can understand a point behind them. 
    That said, I am sure nobody wants a completely traditional wedding. Otherwise we would have to use the best-man and maid-of-honor for their real purpose (as a second choice to get married to) if the bride or groom did not show up. LOL!
    Also, since dowry's no longer exist and women have equal rights (in theory anyhow, although equal pay needs to catch up) it really is just a make-believe day, tipping your hat to history and forging another link in the chain through time. I agree its kinda sweet if you have the funds to spare without getting into any debt. 
    But the ancient reason of the wedding is still there at least, in that it was to show the rest of the village "this one is taken, leave them alone", hence why everyone is invited to witness the event. Ofcourse nowadays thats not possible as we live in cities, but in spirit its still there. And the meeting of 2 families is a good point too to forge links and business associations. 
    Yeah, as I hoped you got I am not really anti-wedding at all. Just anti-overdoing it. 


     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from beastsgirl. Show beastsgirl's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Perhaps,maybe lighten up a bit, It is NOT a make-believe day. How cynical can a person be? What works for you,works for you."but I know what you mean,but this is the way we haved planned it out, could you help out by not attending"bg
     
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  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    I personally am looking forward to the traditional airing of the marital bedsheets.  I intend to veil myself heavily so the groom doesn't know what I look like until we're hitched, then not bathe for a week prior and carry lots of flowers to mask the smell.

    ETA:  And I quite enjoy being dragged off into the woods for consumation.  ;)
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    We had a wonderful time at our wedding as did everyone there.  It's one of my happiest memories, everything about it.  The money we spent was no more than we could afford, and we'd do it again if we could.  Maybe for our 10th...only 8 years to go. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    i don't know, while I loved our wedding day and we paid cash for it (no debt), I'm not sure it was totally worth all the time, effort and money we put into it.  The day went by so fast and I feel bad that I didn't get to talk to everyone.  I kind of wish we'd just done a really small wedding with our immediate family and best friends, on the beach.  But oh well!  I'm glad we did it because if we
    hadn't, I think I would have always felt like we missed out on something.

    As for the marriage part, it does feel made up to me.  Our lives changed about zero from before we were married except we have new rings.  But I guess for us we had already made the committment to each other, this just made it legal.  I have to say that after the wedding I had a feeling like if the past 2 days hadn't happened, it wouldn't have a made a single difference in my life.  And since so many people get divorced, the act of getting married is no more final than the committment we already made to each other.  But, that's just me. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    It will feel real the first time one of you wants to visit the other in the hospital (of course, I hope you don't ever have to) or when you get a giant tax refund in April because you're now allowed to file a joint return.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    In Response to Re: A Real DOOZIE!:
    [QUOTE]Weddings are absolutely a made up day.  Aside from all the nonsense that come with them, are you really doing something by standing in front of some people, regurgitating a few words and signing a piece of paper?  No, it's a silly, archaic ritual - much like everything else we do in the name of 'celebrating' something. If you want to be a wedding purist, then bring back the dowry, the bride is the groom's property, the honeymoon is spent dragging the bride off into the woods to consumate and make sure noone else gets to her, then she's planting the fields by your hut for the rest of your life.  Sound like fun to you?
    Posted by some-guy[/QUOTE]

    Well, for some people, myself and my DH included, a wedding is a religious sacrament.  So yeah, we really are doing something standing in front of people, reciting words and signing a piece of paper.  You may not believe as we do, but many people do.  For some, it is a religious rite and it does mean something beyond the dress, flowers, party afterwards and gifts.  If you don't share these beliefs, that's fine, but please don't take a dump on people who do by making such ridiculous statements. 
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from domino88. Show domino88's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Some warped views on marriage.  Even if you aren’t religious, you are taking a vow, an oath – this is not make believe, nor just tipping your hat to history, it is very serious.  Is standing in front of a courtroom taking an oath meaningful?  Yet, standing in front of your loved ones taking vows isn’t?  If that isn’t meaningful, then I think your mentality is the problem not the institution of marriage. 

    Also, not sure where you are getting your history, but you make it sound like no one in the history of the world has ever married out of love.  You do realize that poor people also married, who didn’t have any property/dowry?  And marriage in most cultures was a religious ceremony.  Also, from a socio-economic standpoint marriage forms family units, and family units are the building blocks of society.  If it weren’t for marriage and the family unit, we wouldn’t be here.
     
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Oh, I'm sorry ALF!  I didn't mean to take away from the religious meaning of marriage!  I'm not religious though, so I'm talking about the legal aspect of marriage, not the religious one.

    You know, I often think that there should be 2 different words: one for legal marriage (as in the eyes of the state) and one for religious marriage.  That would make the whole gay marriage issue a LOT clearer.

    Lucy:  I'm pretty sure filing jointly will not help our tax situation since we both make roughly the same amount of money.  I think we might actually end up paying more because combining our income will put is in a higher tax bracket.  But I do need to talk to an accountant and figure this out for sure. 

    The hospital issue I totally get. I know there are a lot of benefits to marriage (including taking vows in front of your family/friends).  But in the reality of our relationship (just the 2 of us) we were just as committed before marriage as we are afterwards.  And I guess I expected to feel different afterwards, but I feel exactly the same, so it was kind of anticlimactic to me.  But, again, that is just me!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from domino88. Show domino88's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Trex – I see what you are saying, and I felt the same at first.  I definitely didn’t feel different the moment I got married, and our relationship didn’t change drastically overnight.  But as the years go on, you start to realize that the level of commitment is completely different than just dating or even living together (not to mention the issues Lucy raised).  It’s hard to explain, but you will experience it at the years go on and your family grows.

    I’m not saying that people who aren’t married can’t be deeply committed, and I suppose it’s all in your attitude (Goldie and Kurt have been together since 1983 and never married, not to mention the couples that can’t legally marry) but speaking generally it is different.  Just the opinion/experience of an old lady.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    @domino
    I was saying that its the hyper-expensive dressing-up and pageantry that are the pointless things. The declaration of love-parts and legal-parts I am all for! 
    Just saying you don't HAVE to get a mortgage to finance it, or waste a long time in planning it. Its the love part that is kinda the real point (as I mentioned before). 
    Would it not be nice to enter a marriage together with those several thousands of dollars spent on something useful, like a car or house down-payment? But if you can afford to blow such funds on string quartets and parading swans then please do  go ahead. I am just sorry for the people who believe all that stuff is actually necessary to get married and they get into big debt because of it. Especially in a recession when we should all be tightening our belts. My point was that getting married is different to the actual marriage itself, where everyone tries to make a buck out of you and screw you over, even churches!

    As for the other comment about religion, I agree with Trex that religion and state should be separate in that only the state can issue licenses, but religious institutions can do the whole ceremony thing if requested. 

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from domino88. Show domino88's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Plasko - I was really just responding to some-guy's comments.

    I understand what you are saying and I realize there is a huge wedding industry now that didn't always exist.  But know that there are still many people who don't spend enormous amounts of money on all the fluff.  I certainly didn't go into debt, and neither of my daughters did either.  I bet if you took a poll on these boards you would find most of the brides on this forumn didn't either.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!


    Might be interesting, actually.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    We didn't go into debt. :)

    We also got married in a deeply personal religious ceremony that meant everything to us. 

    We could afford what we did, and while it wasn't cheap I can't imagine what we could have spent that money on that would have given us as much joy.

    It's never worth spending beyond your means on anything let alone a party, even a wedding, but just because parties are expensive it doesn't necessarily mean they are a waste.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    Pageantry is fun for some people. And those of us who love to get dressed up and throw parties will look for any excuse to dress up and throw parties.

    If you don't like it, you don't like it. It doesn't make it meaningless or worthless.

    To each their own. You can go on not liking or understanding weddings and those of us that do enjoy them can go on enjoying them.

    Go visit OffBeatBride.com and see wonderful examples of non-traditonal weddings that are budget friendly and full of pageantry and dress up. and there are also non-traditional, not dressed up and simple weddings on there too.

    The type of weddind you loathe so much is something created by wedding planners and magazines in order to get people to spend money. If you spent any time reading the reviews and wedding stories here on this board, you'd see that most real weddings don't fit into that mold.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: A Real DOOZIE!

    and last time I checked- reciting some words and signing papers is something our legal system relies heavily upon. So it does matter in the legal sense, and in the cultural sense it means a great deal.
    Sure, if you strip away cultural, religious and legal implications, weddings may have little meaning. But if you strip those things away from elections, graduations, holidays, funerals- or virtually any other event, they would also have very little meaning.

    Some things in life are worth celebrating. I'm sorry some people are so unhappy that they have to rain on other people's parades. Carpping all over other people's happy milestones isn't any nobler than going broke over a wedding.
     

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