A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from veggirl. Show veggirl's posts

    A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    I thought I was in a blissful marriage.   14 years together.  Two beautiful children.

    Suddenly this time last year, when pregnant with our second child - he told me he loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore.  I was shocked.   How did this happen?   We were great together.   We talked about everything.  

    Suddenly though, we didn't.   He withdrew, he started "working late", he seemed angry at me about everything.

    When someone tell you that - they love you but are not in love with you anymore - it means they found someone else for the thrill of that new relationship.  

    My 33 year old husband found a 20 year old college student to be young with again.   The work of being a parent and father was too great.  

    I thought he was just having a hard time adjusting to new parenthood.   I thought he was having a midlife crisis.

    He abandoned me and my kids.   I am heartbroken.   Don't let it happen to you.   Don't trust them blindly like I did.   Don't have a separate checking account because you did before you were married.  I thought we had everything.   Now we have nothing and my children cry for their father. 

    DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU.  

    Every woman should read this page. 

    http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/signs-of-cheating.html

    I wish I had.   I've seen it happening now to more and more of my friends.   I say this on a wedding board, because I used to frequent this page, and wish I had known all of this stuff years ago when I first got married.   14 years together, simple but nice home, wonderful families on both sides - his parents are completely devestated and he's thrown away his entire life.   I wish I had known.   I wish I had known what was going on earlier.  Don't let it happen to you.  You won't believe the stats on the page I linked, I didn't want to believe them either - but its true.  Be careful and good luck to you all.

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from reindeergirl. Show reindeergirl's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    He's a cheater. Therefore, although much pain has come to you, for which I am very sorry. he's not worth the time of day. Rico has a lot to say about this in LL.

    But, 33 *is* young. What's next for him, a teenager?

    He'll be dumping hios 20 year old chickie, too.

    My heart goes out to you. He's an idiot. You and your children deserve better.
    ~hugs~
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from veggirl. Show veggirl's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    thanks.   ((HUGS))  I remember you from way back.  He WASN'T a cheater at first though - he was a loving husband and father, an adored son.   Now he's lost, his entire family ashamed of him, he has no friends, and his children are on foodstamps.

    Seriously, I, and everyone else, thoguht we had the most rock solid relationship.  I was too secure in our love.  I didn't see the signs.   Which is why I'm warning others.  

    I still can't believe this is my life, but I'm a strong woman and I will move on one day and find someone who appreciates me.   My only concern right now is for my sweet children, who deserved so, so much better.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    I have no children, thank God, but 9 very short months ago, this same thing happened to me. I used to frequent the wedding boards, too, and still come by to look every now and again. Glad I saw your post. I'm SO sorry that you are going through this. It's very different when you have children, I'm sure, but I do understand what it's like to be blindsided and to have to start all over when you thought things were laid out for you like you had planned...
    You WILL get through this. I promise. The next few months will suck, but it will ease up eventually. If you ever want to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, please feel free to contact me.
    Good luck, and keep moving forward...
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    Just re-read your post and realized it happened to you around the same time it happened to me...was there something in the air???
    The offer is still there if you ever need to vent, regardless of when it happened...
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from allreadymarried. Show allreadymarried's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    Can I ask if either of you had your "own independence".  Did you have a career, friends??
    I think it is so important for woman to not give up everything for a spouse.  You see this happen all to often and the woman is left with nothing kids or no kids.
    Good luck and he will get his no worries.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from NorthernLghts. Show NorthernLghts's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    veg, I'm so sorry to hear this! Good luck as you navigate this difficult period. Best wishes to you and your children.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    This is really awful and I'm very sorry you have to go through this. However, with that said, there's often two sides to these things. People (in my extensive experience with cheaters) don't just cheat just because. Well some do, but most don't. Most find there's something lacking in their relationship and they feel the need to seek it elsewhere. People lose attraction, they stop feeling interesting to their partner, they stop laughing with each other, etc. Perhaps this appropriately on a wedding board not as a warning that men are terrible, but as a reminder to new brides that even the "happiest" of spouses can be quietly feeling that something is missing and that the lines of communication need to be wide open throughout a whole marriage. We all need to remember that  you need to be honest with your SO about what's missing for you, and be the type of person who can listen to such concerns and criticisms in return with an open ear as well.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from JeepersCripes. Show JeepersCripes's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    Been there as well. Though along with the I love you, just not in love with you, I was also told he would never look at me like a partner.

    Its crushing, ontop of the cheating. But I think what helped me get past it (mind you 6 years later) was that there was nothing wrong with me. I am a beautiful, smart, loving, desireable woman and mom. If he didnt think I was "good enough" to be with, then its his loss. Certainly not mine.

    I think its becoming sad as a society that rather than work on a relationship, people tend to take the "easy" way out and divorce, cheat, etc....

    Hang in there, it does eventually get better.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    Sorry that this happened to you.

    That being said, no matter how vigilant you are for signs of cheating, it's not going to make it hurt any less or prevent it from happening.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from veggirl. Show veggirl's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    I'm not saying everyone should be constantly looking for cheating.  But to at least know some of the basic signs could save you some of the pain I endured.

    I have a career and a lot of good friends, who are helping me through this.   He's the one who actually has no friends anymore.  

    We had a great relationship for a long time, then suddenly, boom.   I know I have done nothing wrong.   His parents are on my side in fact.   He just decided being a grown up was too hard, and projected his negative feelings about himself onto me.   And hid his feelings very, very well.   None of us had any idea he was struggling with anything.  I always communicated with him, shared everything with him.   He just stopped communicating with me in the areas that could have mattered, and I didn't know he was holding anything back.   Sucks.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    Hi Allreadymarried,
    I did/do have my own independance. I have a great career, a wonderful group of friends, and lots of interests. My husband had often made references to feeling "less than", feeling as if he was not good enough for me,so trying to find a balance between participating in my own career and success vs. spending time with him and in our marriage without contributing to his feeling less than was something I struggled with. I have my masters degree and was/am looking into Phd programs, and academics never really came easily to my husband. Because of my education and my career, I made a lot more money than he did and I had more responsibilities in my job than he did. While it never bothered me and he said it didn't bother him, I think it did and it was one of the things that lead to him taking off and into the arms of someone younger who was also just starting in her career/adult life. I've had a lot of success in my life and I've worked very hard for them, and I think that eventually, that feeling of "not good enough" just caught up with him. He told me when he left "I'm not good enough for you and I know it. I'm going down in a spiral and I don't want to take you with me". How much of that is true vs. him just wanting to be with this other woman, I'll never know. But I definitely did have my own life and we had, what I thought was, ample separate and together interests...

    I thought I was doing everything "right", everything that you are "supposed to do" to make a marriage work. We discussed everything, we rarely fought, and when we argued, it was usually respectful and productive. We shared secrets, hopes and plans for our future. I often said, and was told by others, that I had the most amazing husband in the world.  It was a complete shock when he took off on me (5 days after returning from an amazing 2 week vacation and in the middle of trying to conceive). He told me he was going home to be with his mom for 2 weeks to think things out. Unbeknownst to me, he hopped on a bus and went to live with a woman he had dated in high school. Kind of a shocker when I found that out! Haven't seen him since...

    So, I guess it just goes to show you that you really never know! Advice to new brides out there, as others have stated, is to be honest about what you need, what you can give, and what can be expected of you. If you do all of those things, hopefully you will have a long and successful marriage. And, in the event that that doesn't happen, please know that you will survive and you will move on, and life is still out there to be lived.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    In Response to Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.):
    I'm not saying everyone should be constantly looking for cheating.  But to at least know some of the basic signs could save you some of the pain I endured. I have a career and a lot of good friends, who are helping me through this.   He's the one who actually has no friends anymore.   We had a great relationship for a long time, then suddenly, boom.   I know I have done nothing wrong.   His parents are on my side in fact.   He just decided being a grown up was too hard, and projected his negative feelings about himself onto me.   And hid his feelings very, very well.   None of us had any idea he was struggling with anything.  I always communicated with him, shared everything with him.   He just stopped communicating with me in the areas that could have mattered, and I didn't know he was holding anything back.   Sucks.
    Posted by veggirl

    I promise you that even if you had found out the very first time, it would still be just as upsetting and painful. There's really no such thing as saving yourself pain. it's beyond your control.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from veggirl. Show veggirl's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    I think I disagree about that.   Of course it would hurt just as much to find out he was cheating - but looking back over a WHOLE YEAR of lies....   thats a lot of time to have to re-process in retrospect.   I wish I had known sooner.  Which is why I posted this here. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    In Response to Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.):
    I think I disagree about that.   Of course it would hurt just as much to find out he was cheating - but looking back over a WHOLE YEAR of lies....   thats a lot of time to have to re-process in retrospect.   I wish I had known sooner.  Which is why I posted this here. 
    Posted by veggirl


    but how were you to know?
    it wasn't your responsibility to be looking for signs he was cheating. You cannot bother yourself with that which you cannot control.

    I've seen too many people beat themselves up about "I should have known" or "I could have done x differently" as if it was their fault.

    I've also seen it ruin their future relationships by them always looking for the signs, which would just make your partner feel like you don't trust them.

    If I told my husband that we needed to merge our bank accounts because "I need to check up on you" it would be disasterous. I don't want to know what he's spending every penny on. I wouldn't want him to know what I spend every penny on- how would we ever buy gifts or surprises? I trust him, and he trusts me. That's good.

    You shoudln't feel guilty or stupid for having trusted your ex. Just be mad at him for violating your trust.
    You didn't do anything wrong.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    veggirl, I posted in the relationship thread, but I can't say enough how sorry I am you and your kids are going through this.  I remember you well and fondly from Weddings long ago.  Life changes.  But, just as it changes for the worse, it changes for the better - out of the blue - so hang on!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    The word I didn't see in your post was "BETRAYAL"....it's a devastating feeling that cuts to the quick!  You are reeling from a severe jolt to your system and can't fully grasp all the how's? and why's? as to his cheating Step back, take stock in what you have, talk to others and move on. 

    ...and yes I know, it's easier said than done.

     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    veggirl, I just read your post - I am SO sorry to hear about your news.  I wish you strength and courage in the coming months!  You are a smart, kind, thoughtful woman and I know you'll come out fine on the other side.  I hope it doesn't take you long to get through the dark days!

    Much hugs and love,

    Cos
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    In Response to Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.):
    Can I ask if either of you had your "own independence".  Did you have a career, friends?? I think it is so important for woman to not give up everything for a spouse.  You see this happen all to often and the woman is left with nothing kids or no kids. Good luck and he will get his no worries.
    Posted by allreadymarried



    Let's not blame the victim.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    stopped by because I saw Cosmo was here!!

    Had no idea how serious this was.  Veg and Katel, sending you cyber love, support and hugs.  So sorry!!!!!!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    In Response to Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.):
    I'm not saying everyone should be constantly looking for cheating.  But to at least know some of the basic signs could save you some of the pain I endured. I have a career and a lot of good friends, who are helping me through this.   He's the one who actually has no friends anymore.   We had a great relationship for a long time, then suddenly, boom.   I know I have done nothing wrong.   His parents are on my side in fact.   He just decided being a grown up was too hard, and projected his negative feelings about himself onto me.   And hid his feelings very, very well.   None of us had any idea he was struggling with anything.  I always communicated with him, shared everything with him.   He just stopped communicating with me in the areas that could have mattered, and I didn't know he was holding anything back.   Sucks.
    Posted by veggirl


    You should not have to defend yourself.  Ladies, this woman is in pain and needs support, not a bunch of questions on whose fault it is.  It is HIS fault.  If you cheat, it is YOUR fault.  There is no valid reason to cheat and lie.  AND ABANDON YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!  


     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from allreadymarried. Show allreadymarried's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    I did not lay blame anywhere so to signal me out was wrong.  I was simply asking because she will need to make a new life and take care of her children!  Many woman give this all up and than bam you are on your own.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from JPshamrock. Show JPshamrock's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    As a never married 40 yo man I am lately churning over the reasons why things like this happen. I try very hard not to be judgemental or generalize. I focus on the whys of people's behavior and choices. Is it only the person that we fall in love with? Or is it also the idea of the life you would have with this person that we fall in love with? Is it time and place? Or just the singular feelings for the other person? Is it a common goal of starting the "life" (house/kids/dog/picket fence) that is the motivator? Is the biological clock more important than finding the "right" guy?
    I wonder if there are a lot of guys that feel ashamed of feeling like they are not ready or willing to get married at 28, but do anyway because they think it is what is expected of them. Or it's just "easier". Or if they think the woman would leave them if they don't. If they were real men they would be honest about their feelings, no matter how much ridicule they will receive for being selfish or immature. If they don't want to get married yet, then they shouldn't get married. And if she leaves then she was not in love with him. She will get what she wants elsewhere. Win/win.  
    Was this guy a follower all the time you knew him? Or was he a no s*&t guy who said what he meant and meant what he said? In other parts of his life did it seem like he acted out of duty and obedience? Or was he always true to himself, no matter what? And when you started putting the screws to him about exactly when you were going to be proposed to. Did it seem like he really did want to get married? Or did it seem like he gave in? Think about these things honestly. And that is what you can help younger women with.  
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from katel. Show katel's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    So interesting, JPShamrock!
    I have to admit (and am embarassed to do so!) that I've never really thought of men being under pressure to get married, or doing "what is expected of them". I think lots of women feel that way, when all of their friends are pairing off or when they're fielding questions from others, but I don't think I ever realized that men may get that pressure, too.
    Thanks for the food for thought...
    And good for you for remaining true to your own needs and what you do/do not want to do.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: A warning to all women (how to tell if your man is cheating.)

    veggirl,

    oh honey.  I remember you from the old days (see my new post to see why I am on here today!).  You were my vegetarian source!  I am so sorry to hear this news.

    As usual, I agree with Cos and AuntieB.  Please know that good wishes are coming your way and are in the thoughts of many.

    ash
     
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