And the battle continues

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    And the battle continues

    I'm still on this kid thing at the wedding. Ugh. A new battle has arisen in the frontier of kids vs. no kids at the wedding. As some of you remember, if I invited children to my wedding there would be about 35 of them and a few absolutely horribly behaved kids with parents who just don't care.

    I thought we had this all settled, no kids. There was a small exception to this rule: my niece and my 11 year old first cousin /Goddaughter. My niece is only 4 months old and since everyone will be at the wedding there's no one to watch her (her dad's family isn't around and she has some special needs that make it very difficult to just hire a sitter) and my Goddaughter/cousin is the only one under the age of 16 in the immediate family (God knows, she looks like she's 16! lol) and it was sort of understood that her parents preferred to leave her home anyway so that they could have a night out. My aunt just asked that we put her name on their invite so that she wouldn't feel left out when she found out that my slightly older cousins were invited.  I figured since they won't be taking her anyway, no harm no foul.

    Well, in the continuous battle of bride vs. MOB's dream wedding, my dear old mum has gone and added several of her out of state cousins to the guest list. Nevermind the fact that this pushes my guest far above my ideal number, these people also have children. What was once just a "one cousin" problem has now become a 6 cousin and their collective 9 kids. My mother is now insisting we invite children to the wedding. That means 44 kids if I'm doing my math right and I'm about to scream. It's just too many. That's like 2 whole elementary school classes!!! My parents are paying for this shindig so my mom says since she's paying she decides. It's either we invite all 44 kids or none, including my Goddaughter. I reminded her that that would also mean we don't invite my niece, which could be hard considering my sister is my MOH.  She then proposed that I just cut it off at a certain blood level (like 3rd cousin because the cousins she's inviting from out of state are my 3rd cousins) and don't invite any kids of friends. I told her that's ridiculous because I'm much closer to some of my friends and their children than these 3rd cousins that I've met maybe once 10 years ago.

    I don't really know what I'm getting at other than 1) how the heck do you control a Momzilla and 2) if you come from a large family and are trying to plan a wedding, good luck. Tongue out lol.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Maybe since Mom is paying and it seems this battle is a lost cause, maybe you'd honestly be happier if you let go of the dream of not having kids there and handle the concession as constructively as you can.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from allreadymarried. Show allreadymarried's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Stick with your plans NO CHILDREN!  Are you kidding 44 kids running around and in my opinion ruining your wedding.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    If your mom is paying and is insisting on inviting all kids, I think you are stuck w/ inviting all kids. If you want to stick to your guns and do it your way [whatever amount of kids you ultimately decide that is], then you have to be ready to foot the entire bill yourself.  If you can convince your mom otherwise, great, but the reality of things is that he who pays has the final say. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    The thing is, and maybe this isn't clear from the original post - she doesn't really want ALL kids, just the kids she wants. When she says "all kids", she really means just the kids from her side of the family. I'm sorry I didn't make that really clear. She's basically just throwing a fit because I don't want her to start picking and choosing in some completely non-sensical fashion whose kids come and whose don't. The "all or nothing" thing was her reaction to me saying you can't invite A without inviting B and actually being right about that. She kind of huffily said "fine then we'll just invite them ALL" to spite me and now she's sticking to it because, well, she's my mom and we're both really stubborn. lol. Don't get me wrong, I adore my mother and I'll admit I'm being difficult about it because she knows that my fiancee and I are absolutely not interested in having children at the wedding. It's just I don't know how to deal with this "Fine, if you want to play that game" that she's got going on. I guess I could always keep my mouth shut and just let her invite her picks of the kiddie litter, but that just seems so tacky and rude and not to mention, the bride and groom don't want kids there!!! And don't get the wrong impression about my mom. She's great. This wedding is just freakin' her the he ll out for some reason. I've never seen this from her in 30-someodd years on this earth. lol. Ahhhhhh weddings....
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    allreadymarried - if I could pretend this is facebook and "like" your post I would. lol.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    You can invite whomever you want. Just b/c you invite kids from one side does not mean you need to invite them from both.  Now, if you only invite kids from the bride's side and not the groom's side, you may run into some resentment from your FI's family, but if your mom just wants kids from her side and not from your dad's side, then don't do it.

    I totally get your point. I didn't want any kids at my wedding.  However, we have pretty small families and if we didn't invite kids, DH's oldest brother and cousins [who are like his brothers], not to mention 90% of his friends, would not have been able to come b/c they have a passel of kids and the wedding was out of state [they were in FL and the wedding in MA].  I didn't want him to have 3 guests in attendance just b/c I didn't want kids.  So we had a day wedding instead and had about 15-20 kids there [infants and toddlers]. It was fine.  BUT we knew in advance that these kids were all well behaved and their parents would have acted appropriately had they acted up.

    In any event, there is NO RULE that says if you invite 1 kid you have to invite them all. You can invite as many or as few as you like.  Polite people do not comment on the guests lists for other people's parties, wedding reception or otherwise.  The real problem you have is that your mom is paying. If she wants to make certain kids a condition of her paying, then you can either bow to her wishes or pay for your own wedding. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Yes it's just her side of the family meaning none from my FI's and none from my dad's. lol. My poor dad is so confused. lol. He was just trying to figure out how he can explain to his sister that her 9 year old granddaughter wasn't invited but my mother's 8 year old 3rd cousin was. Maybe dear old dad will lay down the law once he realizes what a mess this is bound to be. One can only hope! 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    I get your point, too.  However, when you accept financial help you forfeit some of your dream for the person's dream who is footing the bill.

    If it's that important to you, let your mom know that her money will not be accepted.  Then, have the guest list you want.  Can't do that?  You'll have to share your dream wedding with the one footing the bill.

    Fwiw, I invited some kids (VERY few) and not others, and everything was fine.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Winter2011Bride. Show Winter2011Bride's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Sorry to tell you but if your mom is paying then like others have said she gets to decide, even if it's one sided.  I only invited my 10-year old and I only had one person complain, but she got over it.  We paid so we got to make the rules.  However, we had a small wedding with just 78 people.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    My in-laws paid for our rehearsal dinner, and it wasn't ANYTHING the way we'd have had it if we'd been paying for it.  We WANTED immediate family only, no kids, at a ritzy place.  We GOT all the aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and OOT guests.  AND, it was at Wright's Chicken Farm no less.  And, you know what?  I was grateful for their generosity and we all had a great time.  I could have thrown a fit, but only if I'd refused their money.  I didn't want to do that so, YAY, everybody to Wright's!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Ugh. I know. I know. This wedding is now at about 265. Maybe we will just pay for the whole thing ourselves and cut about 3/4 of that list Laughing. Or better yet, just cancel this circus and sneak off to Vegas! Laughing
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from allreadymarried. Show allreadymarried's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    I don't get that if someone else is paying they make the decisions and you don't get a say.  That is ridiculous I think.   We paid for our wedding with some contributions and a brunch the day after.  Even with that it was my planning.  I was told my pick of certain things were not to my mother's liking.  I said fine and still did what I wanted.  It was my day.  I also had friends that their parents paid for the whole kit and kaboodle and did not make one decision.
    Invite the kids you want and be done! 
    Maybe ask you mother does she want all those kids dancing and playing on the dance floor and drawing away from you?  Does she want other guests to have to deal with kids all over the dance floor and running in between tables?  She may change her tune.  I don't care how well behaved you think the kids may be they will not.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    If I were you, I'd graciously decline the parents' monetary help and have the wedding that you want. Happily, my parents, ILs, DH, and I were *all* vehemently aboard the no-kids train. But I agree with alreadymarried--I think offering financial help as long as you do it exactly the way they want is blackmail.

    Also, you could pick and choose the kids you want to invite, but let's be realistic: families will freak out. Are you kidding? You'll get a whole lot of, "Why wasn't my kid invited? You think they're terrors?" and while you'd want to reply, "Look, I didn't want to invite *any* kids, this whole this was not my idea," clearly you can't.

    When is your wedding?
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    This is a sticky subject, as money usually is. I see both sides of the coin, I've had one planned wedding (never came to fruition) that was completely paid for by my parents and this time around we're getting a contribution from them. The last wedding was ALL ABOUT MY MOM, from the flowers to the invitations to shoes I bought. I did my best to keep my mouth shut, I didn't want to seem ungrateful, but it was hard for her to grasp the reality that this was supposed to be my day and not the day she wished she had herself 35 years ago. Thank goodness it was canceled, the shoes were terrible! :-) This time around, she gets it, and offers her opinion freely as she should without demanding things her way. I don't know if it's the money thing, or it's just both of us maturing in our increased ages, but now she gets it.

    It's a tricky thing to stomp your foot when they are paying, for seeming ungrateful in any way. But in the same tune your mother needs to know that she may be offending more people than not by selecting only a chosen few. If you're wording the invitation "Mr. & Mrs. Venfornot cordially invite you the wedding of their daughter" then people will know it's not you but them that is making this decision, and does she really want to deal with the anger of those people who's kids aren't invited? As another picture to paint, does your mother want all those kids somewhere in all the pictures? because you know there's going to be some kid body part in the majority of shots taken that day....


     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    See what happens when you sell your soul to the devil, or in this case mother-dearest.
    Run away and elope.

    OR just bring a really big bottle of NyQuil for the sodas ;)

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    I gotta be honest here....I have no idea why people think weddings are a good event for children to attend. Until the dancing starts, guests are expected to sit, listen and clap. I have yet to see a large group of children do this successfully. I didn't invite any children to my wedding so when three families showed up with several of their very young children, I was gracious and made room for them but was not surprised with the screeching during the ceremony and toasts. So my advice is do what you can to keep the child number low...even if that means you have to pick up the tab. Good luck!
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    I think you have to just let her do the guest list the way she wants to, and take comfort in the fact that if anyone says anything about their kid not being invited, you can just say "Sorry, my mom is in charge of the guest list, you'll have to ask her."

    Also take comfort in the fact that just because your mom invites your 3rd cousina nd all their kids that you haven't seen in years, it doesn't mean they'll actually come. My dad invited far flung relatives because he's a more-the-merrier guy, and they all just rsvp'd no.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ajuly09. Show ajuly09's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    We only had a few children at the wedding, my flower girl, children that I nannied for (like my own family more so than a job), and did not invite other children though many did have children we COULD have invited.  Even my SIL decided that the wedding was no place for her 2yo and she had her parents watch him.  I agree with others that said that weddings are no place for kids, it's the truth.  They get cranky,tired, and noisy. And the older they get the more likely they don't want to be there (they'd rather be home in front of the tv with a babysitter). Aside from the whole money issue,  I think that you can do what you want for the guest list. Invite some kids and not others, it's your wedding and ultimately your choice.  
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Children who are properly raised and well behaved in general are fine at a wedding, provided it is during the day.  Evening weddings are no place for children.  All the kids at our wedding were perfectly behaved.

    I agree that it should be the bride and groom's choice in all  things wedding related, but if you have a stubborn parent holding the purse strings and they want X and will not budge, you have 2 real choices: either bow to their wishes and have the event paid for in full, or refuse their preference and risk them withholding the money.  There is a middle ground where you can try to convince them, preferably w/ the assistance of other family members including their spouse.  But if they insist on X and they hold the checkbook, what option do you really have?

    My parents were not remotely stubborn and did not insist on X when I wanted Y.  However, had they had a strong preference, I would have just gone w/ it since they held the purse strings.  The only bizarre things my parents kept bringing up were a polka band and a bagpiper.  Um, yes, I am sure I do not want a polka band or a bagpiper.  Thanks though. 
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Just because people are contributing financially to something shouldn't mean they absolutely have control over anything to do with it.  But, that's not how the world works.  Money is power, and it's powerful enough that when it comes to warring parents and kids over a wedding there are two solutions:  Refuse the money and do what you want, or take the money and make whatever compromises the parents feel they purchased.  It's not right that the parents have those expectations, but lots of things in life aren't right.

    It has nothing to do with if kids should or shouldn't be at a wedding and everything to do with the opinion of the person who is paying for the wedding.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    I've only been to one wedding where there weren't any kids. The weddings in my family have always included kids. One of the reasons I chose to get married at the aquarium was because I knew that there was no way I could get around having kids there, and I know kids only start to freak if they get bored. So they got to run around and look at fish and probably didn't even notice there was a wedding going on. Win-win.

    I agree with Alf that it has more to do with how well-behaved the kid is than the wedding itself. When I had to go to weddings as a kid, I always had a good time because my cousins were there, and we'd just play, dance and eat cake. The only part we ever had a hard time with were the long church ceremonies, but we had to sit through them quietly or we'd catch hell from my mom and our grandmother.

    If your mom insists on inviting those kids, and they actually come, them tell her she has to help you put together activity kits for them so that they'll be happy and busy. Pick up a couple $1 coloring books and crayons, $1 toys and stick them in a goodie bag placed at their seat. It will help keep them entertained and quiet.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from miscricket. Show miscricket's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    In Response to Re: And the battle continues:
    [QUOTE]I think you have to just let her do the guest list the way she wants to, and take comfort in the fact that if anyone says anything about their kid not being invited, you can just say "Sorry, my mom is in charge of the guest list, you'll have to ask her." Also take comfort in the fact that just because your mom invites your 3rd cousina nd all their kids that you haven't seen in years, it doesn't mean they'll actually come. My dad invited far flung relatives because he's a more-the-merrier guy, and they all just rsvp'd no.
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]
    With all due respect..I disagree. If a woman can't have her wedding day exactly as she wishes..then something is wrong. In reading through the threads..I find it mind boggling that this mother is showing a complete and total disregard for her daughter's wishes as well as the hypocrisy of inviting children from only her side of the family. Talk about a nightmare. I think the OP should simply tell her mother that she feels so strongly about the bad behavior..that she is considering eloping. Sorry..no amount of money is worth it to me..
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from RogerTaylor. Show RogerTaylor's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    Are we talking about a daycare or a wedding?

    First, this is YOUR day and your partners - what do the two of you want?

    Second, it doesn't matter where the money comes from! Nobody is paying for the privilege of dictating who's getting invited to YOUR wedding!

    A wedding is about the bride and groom NOT 44 kids!

    ...nuff said!

    Enjoy YOUR day!
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from CT-DC. Show CT-DC's posts

    Re: And the battle continues

    First of all, your 4 month old (a teeny baby!) niece who has special needs so cannot be with a babysitter and is ALSO the baby of your maid of honor is TOTALLY INVITED TO THE WEDDING!  Even if you invited NO other children, that tiny baby gets to come, for all the aforementioned reasons.  So, done.  Seriously, if anyone even asks why she was invited when their lovely cherub wasn't, you can look at them funny and ask them if they noticed that she's an infant?!?!?  And she's the daughter of you MOH?!?!?  and just remember, the person who asks THAT question has no class and you don't have to worry about them being upset - given they have no class.

    Now, YES, you can invite some children and not others, but I don't think you get to invite your mother's side of the family children and not your father's!  Really, I think you should have a meeting with your 2 parents (not just your mother alone) and ask them what they exactly want, and whether they really want to pay for 44 children to eat, have enough tables to seat them (that's 5 extra tables with 10 people at each, LOL). And walk them through how X on dad's side is going to feel if that child isn't invited when that one is much closer than a 3rd cousin once removed's kid.  And let her see the error of her ways, or let your father get her to see it, whichever happens.

    Also, if you are inviting 44 kids you MUST have a day wedding. NO evening weddings, that's a recipe for disaster.

    I did it, and we did it beautifully. We had "only" 35 or so kids, aged 2 yrs to 10 yrs (there were also a few teenagers but I didn't count them as kids) BUT here are the concessions:

    1.  daytime wedding - wedding was at 10:30, then 12-5pm was the reception.
    2.  we had a kids' table that was set down on milk crates so it was nice and low for the preschool-age children (and school-agers will sit on the ground to use it) so they could eat at it, color at at, etc.
    3.  I made an individual activity bag with stuff in it, wrote each child's name on it, and had them at the kids' table.  I put glow bracelets, crayons (markers make a BIG MESS on clothing, table cloths, and other people's clothing, so don't include those), stickers, coloring books, in the 12 month old I put a few board books and a small toy or two (cuz she couldn't use stickers, crayons, glow bracelets, blah blah) and the other cousins LOVED that the baby got her own bag).  I don't remember what-all else I put in there, but I went to Michael's and cleaned out their $1 items section with kid-friendly stuff.  Didn't cost all that much, but it did take some time - time I enjoyed, but not everyone would have enjoyed making those.
    4.  we had a stations style dinner, not a sit-down and be served dinner, so I figured the kids' parents could find something their children would eat - the club also could, in a pinch, throw some chicken fingers on to cook if a child just could NOT eat anything. That way I didn't even count those 35 kids in the #s that I gave the club manager - or if I did I think I cut the # in half or something - I did count the teenagers because anyone over 12 yrs old can eat like an adult.

    These children also came to the wedding ceremony, but I don't remember them making any noise during the ceremony - but our wedding was only 30 minutes from start to finish, not an hour.

    The kids all enjoyed it, they danced, ate, and were merry.  and NOBODY ran through the dance floor, or between tables, but believe me, if that HAD happened I would have stopped it, even in my big white dress regalia - I don't worry about hurting people's feelings.

    AND I invited only relatives' kids, not friends' kids, because that's just the way it was.  Friends can get a babysitter, they live in the area, vs. our relatives were coming in from way out of state and that's harder.  Plus, I view a wedding as a fun family event and a reunion of sorts, so wanted everyone's kids there, as we only see the kids and even some of my cousins every few years at weddings and funerals. 

    But that's me.
     
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