Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    actually, I think sending her an invite and then calling her to let her know there's no pressure or obligation is the best option:

    "I wanted to send you an invite, so I did, but I wanted to let you know that I totally understand if you can't make it."

    [Quote]I get the idea behind asking someone if they want to be invited and showing you understand, blah, blah. It's truly kindhearted. However, it tends to be awkward as it puts the person on the spot. Saying "Yes, I'd love to be invited" can make them feel like they are asking to be invited (awkward!) even though you, strangely enough, initiated the conversation. And, what if they don't want to? You've put them on the spot in that case, too, right to their face. If they get a normal invitation in the mail or by email, or whatever, they can accept or decline without being on the awkward spot.

    It may very well SEEM nice and thoughtful, but I hope my argument (and a few others here I've noticed) sways everyone to let people decide for themselves. if you want to invite them do it and give them the gracious opportunity to not be put on the spot about it.[/Quote]
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from RN13. Show RN13's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    hi,

    Can you ask her on the phone if she would like to come to the shower? You do sound like you're really trying to be considerate, and I bet she will hear that. You could sort of downplay the shower so she doesn't feel badly if its too much for her. "I wanted to let you know and of course I would love to have you, but its so far and you're already coming to the bachelorette and wedding that I didn't want you to get a random invite in the mail and feel compelled to do another damn thing for my wedding!"
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from MissWolff. Show MissWolff's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    Let me start with I should have never asked this on the Knot...I am now accused of being 'gift grabby' and 'planning my own shower'. I have a friend who I will be inviting to my bachelorette. It's low key and local. (No I'm not planning it, but I have to help with who to invite.) Should she be invited to the shower as well? (I'm not planning it, the host asked me who to invite from my friend circle.) She would have to rent a car to attend. It is out of state. I know she is tight on funds. I don't want her to feel obligated to attend or buy a gift. I'm actually trying to be considerate, but somehow my choice of 'low on funds' made it seem like I wouldn't invite her b/c she can't afford a gift. ? Please give me some feedback on what you would do. Thanks BDC ladies.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I agree with RN13

    [Quote]hi,

    Can you ask her on the phone if she would like to come to the shower? You do sound like you're really trying to be considerate, and I bet she will hear that. You could sort of downplay the shower so she doesn't feel badly if its too much for her. "I wanted to let you know and of course I would love to have you, but its so far and you're already coming to the bachelorette and wedding that I didn't want you to get a random invite in the mail and feel compelled to do another damn thing for my wedding!"[/Quote]
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from MissWolff. Show MissWolff's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I swear I used paragraphs.grrr...
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I respectfully disagree even with that plan as nice as it may sound it still puts her on the spot. If she calls and offers up that she'd love to come but can't make it, that's the time you can graciously discuss it and accept it.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    Whatever they told you on the Knot: disregard it.

    You do not have to invite the same people to the B party as you do a shower. In fact, you could invite people to the B party that aren't invited to the wedding. The B party is a girl's night out. Some friends may not have made the wedding list b/c of funds or space, but there is no reason they can't party w/ you.

    Personally, I'd include the friend on the shower invite list. Leave it up to her to decide whether to come or not. I can see where you are trying to be considerate, but she might get offended/upset that she isn't invited to the shower. You could casually mention in conversation [if the shower isn't a surprise] that you don't want to inconvenience her by having her rent a car, so you would be okay w/ her not coming to the shower if it's a hassle. Don't even mention the funds issue to her.


    BTW, there is nothing wrong w/ planning your own B party. Just expect to pay your own way. And calling it a girl's night out, rather than a B party, might be helpful too, in case you are worried about what people will think.
    :-) HTH!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Amarie978. Show Amarie978's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I guess it would depend on your relationship with your friend and how comfortable you are bringing up the subject with her. If it were me, I'd just call her up and say, Hey, I want to invite you to my wedding shower, but its going to be at x location and I know that's a pain in the neck for you to get to. I don't care about a gift, but wanted to let you know you're invited if its not a hassle for you.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I get the idea behind asking someone if they want to be invited and showing you understand, blah, blah. It's truly kindhearted. However, it tends to be awkward as it puts the person on the spot. Saying "Yes, I'd love to be invited" can make them feel like they are asking to be invited (awkward!) even though you, strangely enough, initiated the conversation. And, what if they don't want to? You've put them on the spot in that case, too, right to their face. If they get a normal invitation in the mail or by email, or whatever, they can accept or decline without being on the awkward spot.

    It may very well SEEM nice and thoughtful, but I hope my argument (and a few others here I've noticed) sways everyone to let people decide for themselves. if you want to invite them do it and give them the gracious opportunity to not be put on the spot about it.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Brighton1. Show Brighton1's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I would invite her and let her make the decision. People on the knot are a-holes. They take a simple question and totally twist it around. It's getting to be so predictable.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I believe it's your closest of close girlfriends who attend a bachelorette party so they would be a subset of who goes to the shower so she'd be invited to the shower, too. as I've mentioned in other contexts, dont' make her decision for her about it being "too much" even though you are trying to be kind. Let her decide for herself if she wants to attend both.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    right, but as Friar pointed out, some people feel an invitation puts them on the spot.

    I trust the OP knows what will make her friend feel the most comfortable.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    yes, make no mention of money or "being able to afford.."

    [Quote]Maybe if the OP decides to call her friend first, she could say something like, "I wanted to let you know that there's a shower invitation in the mail for you, but I understand if you're busy/may not be able to make it/etc, and I didn't want you to feel like you had to come. Think about it and let me know! So how's work/life going? [change topic to something neutral/happy]" and that way she can call, but her friend won't feel the need to give a yes or no on the spot.[/Quote]
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    Second guessing usually leads to some kind of confusion to some degree. Of course, you'd get it with the Korean example, but consider this.

    If you got the invitation and declined, she could say, "Well, of course I didn't think you could actually make it but I wanted you to feel 100% welcome!" I'm sure if she didn't call you first to say that you would NOT have felt terrible because it would be an obvious understanding, like there is in every invitation regardless of the circumstances, that you could decline without negative ramifications.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from MissWolff. Show MissWolff's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    You guys rule. Thanks for your thoughtful opinions, much appreciated.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    We're honest - but wondering is just human nature, I think.

    P.S. I see it like this. You're second guessing her in the first place by offering up all these reasons she may not be able to come. Your motives are good. Then, she is left open to wonder if you are trying to protect her from seeing so-and-so because you know she doesn't like her or some other "laudible" reason for not wanting her there. You assumed I meant she'd wonder something negative, but I didn't.

    P.S.S. I'm not actually trying to convince you just giving you the nitty gritty reasons behind my position. I suppose it's getting old, though. So here I go, I'm letting it drop for everyone's sake!! :)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    I understand some people have had perceived succuess with the call beforehand, but why, even if that's been the case before, can we not try letting folks decide for themselves without your help? She's a grown woman able to think of and consider all these things by herself, and if she hears these issues from you she may ACT happy for the "out" but secretly wonder if you are trying to get her to not come for "some reason" not stated.

    An invitation has an out built-in already - it's a invitation, not a demand of attendance, that is up to the receiver to decline or accept.

    OK, I'll let it go. I can agree to disagree, really. :)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    Maybe if the OP decides to call her friend first, she could say something like, "I wanted to let you know that there's a shower invitation in the mail for you, but I understand if you're busy/may not be able to make it/etc, and I didn't want you to feel like you had to come. Think about it and let me know! So how's work/life going? [change topic to something neutral/happy]" and that way she can call, but her friend won't feel the need to give a yes or no on the spot.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    ah, see, I've had the opposite experience. I find that if I call the person to let them know I'm not putting them on the spot, they feel better about not being able to make it. I have lots of OOT friends. Maybe we're just a confrontational group ;)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    Alright, maybe my friends and I are odd for being honest with each other and not suspecting each other of alterior motives.
    Like I said before, the OP knows her firends and should do what she thinks is best. If she knows her friend is exceptionally sensitive, then she won't call.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    If none of us ever disagreed it would be just plain creepy! ;)
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    If a friend called me to say "I understand if you can't make it"- like when DH's old roommate called us to let us know we'd be getting an invite to his wedding in Seoul, Korea- I wouldn't think they were trying to do anything except let me know that it was okay if I couldn't make it.
    But maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm weird for taking things at face value when it comes out of a friends' mouth.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    <3 you too, Kar :)

    [Quote]Isn't this cool - we all have our diverse experiences that make the board awesome. love ya, pinkie![/Quote]
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    Well, my opinion about these things is always the same. Hosts issue invitations, guests decide whether or not to attend. For a host to make any assumption about finances or logistics is overstepping. (And I'm using the term "HOST" loosly since I know the bride isn't hosting the shower).
    Send the invitation to your friend. If it's too difficult for her to rent a car to attend, she'll decline. If she's broke, she won't send a gift either. Perhaps she'll just send a card wishing you well. Perhaps she'll find that the $18.00 dish towels from Williams-Sonoma are the perfect little present for her good friend. But the decision is hers alone.
    I'd be mortified if a friend called and told me "I don't want to burden you to come to my shower."
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Bachlorette vs. Shower Attendees

    But they can think about how they want to respond before they have to. That, ironically, makes it off the spot.

    Anyway, like you say, there's no cut and dry way; people know their own friends best. however, I used to be a proponent of the call and the other ways of handling it, and it never went as well as I'd imagined, hoped, or expected it would. My mom taught me the advice I'm giving here, and that, on the other hand, has served me well for many years. Ergo, I suggest it. :)

    P.S. I totally respect that everyone has the best of intentions here, and if anyone wants to make a call and talk about it pre-invitation, it's not the worst thing in the world. Anyone would, even if it does ultimately make them uncomforatble, understand that it was done with kindheartedness.
     

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