Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Reader001. Show Reader001's posts

    Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Sux being on the recieving end, let me tell you. I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself right now. I had even asked him to walk me down the aisle, which I thought was a singularly generous honor, considering he's never been there for me when it really counted. Like now.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Wow, Reader. I don't even know what someone can say to cheer you up. But you have every right to feel sorry for yourself.

    I'm sorry, if that means anything. Undecided
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Reader, I was so sad and sorry when I read your post.  Are you all right?
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Aw, Reader.  I am SO sorry.  It's totally ok to feel sorry for yourself.  But don't let this ruin even one second of your wedding day.  It's awful what he's doing, but please try to look at the bright side -- you're going to have tons of people there that day that love you and wouldn't dream of being anywhere else but there to support you on the biggest day of your life. 

    And again, I'm really so sorry that you're going through this right now.  Frown
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Reader001. Show Reader001's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Thanks! I'm ok, really sad and angry, but what can you do. I can't do anything about his decision, so I might as well have some dignity and be gracious about it. This is the way my family has always been. So I went out and built a big life full of good friends most of whom will be there.  I have a friend over right now and she's folding cranes with me. All things considered I'm a very lucky woman. Still want to throw a major tantrum though. Eventually I'll move on and stop feeling so sorry for mself, but it sux that associating with them is just inviting another hurtful interaction. Thanks for listening.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    You seem to have a very level head about this whole thing.  Good for you being the bigger person and dealing with this so well!  It definitely sounds like you've got a good thing going, and that you've surrounded yourself with some great people that really enrich your life. 

    You will forget all about this on your wedding day, I promise.  Is it this weekend or next weekend?
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Reader, that's just despicable.  Even when we come to expect disappointment from those we wish so hard that things were different with, it still hurts every single time.  And, especially when it's this big of a deal.

    Maybe he was overcome with guilt for never having been there for you and didn't feel he deserved to give away a girl he never had for having made the terrible decisions that led to how things are now between you.  He must know he doesn't have you to give away. Not making excuses for his terrible behavior, but it crossed my mind as a possible explanation.

    No reason is good enough to justify what he did.  And, you have every right to be sad, angry, hurt, whatever else.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Reader, I am so sorry to hear this news. You are blessed to have so many friends and a FI (soon to be DH!!) that loves and cares for you!

    Good luck on the cranes :)

    Also, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be having my reception at The Henderson House...I really mean that! You told me to go look, and I did.

    I wish you all the best with this, you are a great person and deserve nothing but the best! I really want to see pictures of your wedding...for various reasons! :)
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Reader, I am so sorry. It's so awful when things like this happen. I've seen it happen to so many friends, and all I can tell you is what the other ladies have said: sometimes the family we make for ourselves (friends, FI, etc.) is the most supportive and loving family anyone will ever know, and the best part about it is that it's filled with people who have chosen to come into our lives, people who are there because they met you and fell in love, as opposed to the ones who are stuck there by blood.

    It warms my heart to hear you have a good friend there folding cranes with you, my best friend helped me fold oragami roses for my wedding. You never feel quite as loved as when a friend puts time and effort into the details of your wedding. It really shows you they care.

    I hope that this is the only bump along the way, and that all the rest is sunshine.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Reader001. Show Reader001's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    You guys are great. My honey called me from work to check on me, all my bridesmaids sent me messages of support. There was a time in my life that I would not get comfort from that, because if my family doesn't love me how can love mean anything at all.

    Kar you're right, it DOES hurt every time. I used to think that the only way to deal with that was to cut them out of my life, not allow them the access, to be vulnerable. I had a lot of help a few years ago to get to a better place with it, the memories, the anger, the resentment. It wasn't until I fell in true love with someone that I realized that love is not being not hurt, but rather always opening oneself to being hurt because to be open to love is to be open to pain. Maturity, support, a spiritual belief are the things that make it ok to be vulnerable, to get hurt, to forgive and move on. Nothing I have ever done or said to them has changed them. As all the declines rolled in from my family, my aunts and uncles (who had all promised to attend) my mother (who would never promise anything of the sort), every one of them hurt. This one, you know what? Hurt like the dickens, but I think it's finally driven home the understanding that these are people who cannot make the choices that I'd like them to make and that fact does not diminish me today. Dang, I sound over-dramatic, but it's the truth; I'm sad, I'll probably cry over this a lot, but I'm not lessened by this the way I used to be lessened.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from jasmine09. Show jasmine09's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    i'm sorry, reader.  that is a su**y situation.  you sound both brave and mature about it though.  keep your chin up and you will enjoy your day with those who truly care to be spending it with you.

    weddings somehow bring out the best and worst in people.  it sometimes brought to the fore aspects of relationships (both good and bad) that I knew were there all along, but hadn't fully acknowledged to myself. 


     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Reader, sorry to hear about what happened.  You sound like a wonderful person with lots of love and support surrounding you. 

    My friends ARE my family.....
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    In Response to Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding:
    You guys are great. My honey called me from work to check on me, all my bridesmaids sent me messages of support. There was a time in my life that I would not get comfort from that, because if my family doesn't love me how can love mean anything at all. Kar you're right, it DOES hurt every time. I used to think that the only way to deal with that was to cut them out of my life, not allow them the access, to be vulnerable. I had a lot of help a few years ago to get to a better place with it, the memories, the anger, the resentment. It wasn't until I fell in true love with someone that I realized that love is not being not hurt, but rather always opening oneself to being hurt because to be open to love is to be open to pain. Maturity, support, a spiritual belief are the things that make it ok to be vulnerable, to get hurt, to forgive and move on. Nothing I have ever done or said to them has changed them. As all the declines rolled in from my family, my aunts and uncles (who had all promised to attend) my mother (who would never promise anything of the sort), every one of them hurt. This one, you know what? Hurt like the dickens, but I think it's finally driven home the understanding that these are people who cannot make the choices that I'd like them to make and that fact does not diminish me today. Dang, I sound over-dramatic, but it's the truth; I'm sad, I'll probably cry over this a lot, but I'm not lessened by this the way I used to be lessened.
    Posted by Reader001


    Reader, I cried reading your response because I relate so well.  I think you are very close to being hurt less from now on, though, for simply having changed your expectations from a fantasy of how you've always wished things were to the reality that does su*k.  It happened that way for me once I processed all of what you described above.  Ironic isn't it?  When you come to truly expect hurtful behavior, it doesn't have any power over you anymore... Before that, it does hurt badly every time; it's something about the shock of it not living up to a dearly held fantasy, I think.  When the fantasy dissolves, so does the shock, so does most of the hurt.  What lingers is the overall feeling of disappointment that these relationships were different.  And, I've even come to hardly feel that anymore.  I appreciate the relationship we do have even though it's certainly not how I would have designed it had I had the power to do so.  It took YEARS to get here and rivers of tears, but I hope this gives you some peace and hope about your own future with all this.

    Cry all you need to...all you want to.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from wendy98. Show wendy98's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Oh Reader, I can only echo what the others have said.  Take the time you need to cry or scream so you can move on and not have things bottled up.  I am glad that you have built you support system of FI and friends and they will get you through this.  And your wedding will be truly happy, I wish you all the best.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    In Response to Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding:
    You guys are great. My honey called me from work to check on me, all my bridesmaids sent me messages of support. There was a time in my life that I would not get comfort from that, because if my family doesn't love me how can love mean anything at all. Kar you're right, it DOES hurt every time. I used to think that the only way to deal with that was to cut them out of my life, not allow them the access, to be vulnerable. I had a lot of help a few years ago to get to a better place with it, the memories, the anger, the resentment. It wasn't until I fell in true love with someone that I realized that love is not being not hurt, but rather always opening oneself to being hurt because to be open to love is to be open to pain. Maturity, support, a spiritual belief are the things that make it ok to be vulnerable, to get hurt, to forgive and move on. Nothing I have ever done or said to them has changed them. As all the declines rolled in from my family, my aunts and uncles (who had all promised to attend) my mother (who would never promise anything of the sort), every one of them hurt. This one, you know what? Hurt like the dickens, but I think it's finally driven home the understanding that these are people who cannot make the choices that I'd like them to make and that fact does not diminish me today. Dang, I sound over-dramatic, but it's the truth; I'm sad, I'll probably cry over this a lot, but I'm not lessened by this the way I used to be lessened.
    Posted by Reader001


    Reader, I'm so sorry to hear this.  I had something similar happen, but that's a story for another time.  But you're right about it hurting every time - sometimes you think you can't be hurt by someone again until it happens.  But again, you don't want to be emotionally numb as a coping mechanism.  You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and wonderful support from FI and friends.  I'm glad your FI is so supportive - I know its easier for me when family drama rears its ugly head now that I have DH's support.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Reader001. Show Reader001's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Thanks folks. It's been great to have a venue to vent.

    I sent a reply this morning. I thought about calling, as that's how I would want to deal with it, but he prefered email, so I replied in kind. He had his reasons for canceling, but I didn't attempt to speak to any of them. I just said we were deeply saddened and disappointed, but we understood he's doing what best for him.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Thanks folks. It's been great to have a venue to vent. I sent a reply this morning. I thought about calling, as that's how I would want to deal with it, but he prefered email, so I replied in kind. He had his reasons for canceling, but I didn't attempt to speak to any of them. I just said we were deeply saddened and disappointed, but we understood he's doing what best for him.
    Posted by Reader001


    Emailing was probably the better way to go in this situation anyway.  I know for myself, I wouldn't want to risk having my emotions get the best of me over the phone.  I really like how you worded it, though.  Very mature and appropriate, and I love that you say you understood that he was "doing what's best for him."  I'm hoping by reading that he has some realization of just how selfish he's being.

    I've dealt with my share of family issues as well, and I know how weddings can sometimes bring out the absolute worst in people.  I think my FI said it best.  He said that people who are this selfish and malicious won't change.  There is nothing you can say or do that will change them or their behavior.  The only thing you can control is how you react and respond to them, and they can only hurt you if you let them.  It's a tough thing to accept, but it's true.

    You sound like a very strong woman...I have no doubts that you'll get through this just fine.  :)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    In Response to Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding:
    Thanks folks. It's been great to have a venue to vent. I sent a reply this morning. I thought about calling, as that's how I would want to deal with it, but he prefered email, so I replied in kind. He had his reasons for canceling, but I didn't attempt to speak to any of them. I just said we were deeply saddened and disappointed, but we understood he's doing what best for him.
    Posted by Reader001


    Reader, you seem like a very strong and mature person.  I think you handled the situation better than I know a lot of people could or would.  It's such a difficult situation.  You responded back to him in an e-mail, which must have been terribly hard to begin with.  This should have been something he would call you on the phone about.  I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this, but it looks like you have a great deal of friends around you who love and care about your well being. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

         You are now planning the beginning of your new family.  This time you get to chose, love and caring, not pain and hurt.
    It is time to leave your father behind.

         Marriage is great!  You will be going into it with some reminders of how important it is to do the little things that make things work,  putting time and interest in each other ahead of petty things and ego.  Wish things were better for you now.  I know a brighter time is waiting for you and FI. My sympathy,  and hope  that this closes the book on all things hurtful - you deserve better.   Coming soon.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Hi Reader,

    I had a similar situation with my dad (except he didn't respond at all - his wife did the declining).  I have huge respect for you for the way you handled it in your email to him - you were very gracious and kind.  If he's anything like my dad, he just "can't deal" which is sort of the overall explanation I give when my friends ask about him. 

    It's true - when you don't have family support, all you can do is go out and build yourself a new "family" - which sounds like exactly what you've done.  I agree that it never stops hurting when they continually let you down.  But there is something very powerful in CHOOSING your "family" (i.e., FI and friends).  Like your friend who is making cranes with you - you have chosen each other to be like family.  It's very special.

    In the end, I joked about my dad not coming.  Since no one from his side came, who the hell would I sit him with???  Tongue out

    Good luck to you and don't feel you're not aloud to cry or throw a tantrum!


    In Response to Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding:
    Thanks folks. It's been great to have a venue to vent. I sent a reply this morning. I thought about calling, as that's how I would want to deal with it, but he prefered email, so I replied in kind. He had his reasons for canceling, but I didn't attempt to speak to any of them. I just said we were deeply saddened and disappointed, but we understood he's doing what best for him.
    Posted by Reader001

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    In Response to Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding:
    but I'm not lessened by this the way I used to be lessened.
    Posted by Reader001


    I think this is a very powerful quote.  Great way of putting it, and I'm so glad you're not.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    I don't have much to add, Reader.  Just wanted to send my warm wishes!  I hope that on the day of your wedding you find yourself surrounded by all of the people who truly matter.

    DH's father is a real @ss and didn't send in his rsvp until the very last minute.  We started to think he wasn't going to come. My friends thought I was joking, but sadly I was not!
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Neena101511. Show Neena101511's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Reader, I'm so sorry for your troubles. It takes an extremly strong person to deal with what your going through, I hope for all the best for you.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from somethingold. Show somethingold's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Ick - so sorry you're dealing with this, and just wanted to add my support...have a happy wedding and life.  You deserve it.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Canceling via email - for your daughter's wedding

    Reader, I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. Surround yourself with supportive people, and you'll get through it. You'll have an awesome day despite all of this!
     
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