Cheating

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlyGirl82. Show GirlyGirl82's posts

    Re: Cheating

    To elaborate a bit, both her bf and the girl were sober when it happened. My friend does not know. I am not sure if I am supposed to tell her or stay out of it? Does it make a difference that he was not drunk?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Stay the hell out of it.  If she asks you if you think something is going on, validate her feelings but be as vague as possible.  You do not want to get in the middle of something like this.  I know other people feel differently b/c this is your best friend, but really, it will affect your friendship if you are the bearer of bad news, esp if she decides to stay w/ him.  Be there for her if they break up, but do not be the one to tell her that he cheated on her.

    Him being sober does make it worse b/c there was nothing clouding his judgement [well, no mind altering substances anyway].  How long have they been together?
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]To elaborate a bit, both her bf and the girl were sober when it happened. My friend does not know. I am not sure if I am supposed to tell her or stay out of it? Does it make a difference that he was not drunk?
    Posted by GirlyGirl82[/QUOTE]

    Girly, this is so absurd that if we didn't know you already I'd wonder if it were real.  Sadly, I know it is because you've been with us faithfully posting normal things for so long.

    It's absurd that you have to ask these things.  You're getting married yourself, and you are unclear of the ramifications of cheating under any circumstances?  That's very scary. 

    Much as it may seem that I'm berating you for asking "simple questions" that is not the case.  I want you to think long and hard about why you need to ask them.  Why don't you have strong feelings and convictions about it yourself as an adult considering marriage?  That's a rhetorical question.  I don't want to argue about it, I want you to think about it yourself.

    P.S.  I do want you to ask if you really don't know.  I'm just very concerned about your lack of personal convictions about it at this age and stage in your life.

    ETA:  About telling...  It's a tough thing, but I have to agree with Cos.  I got married and I absolutely wouldn't have if a friend had stepped up and told me what he knew.  I'd have called it off immediately.  It wasn't cheating, but it was obviously very serious.  My friend decided to keep his mouth shut, and it not only led to a divorce in a marriage that never would have happened in the first place, it led to the breakdown of the friendship.  I forgave him, of course, but he never felt right about how it all went down and after my marriage ended over the issue he never brought up we just drifted apart.  It was all very sad.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Well, the $64,000 question is, does the girlfriend know, or is girlygirl going to tell her?

    I would want to know.  If a friend of mine knew something like this happened and didn't tell me, I would be p.o.'d, big time! 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Cheating

    This is somewhat of a double edged sword.  If someone has this type of information, what do they do with it? 

    I've seen cheating.  My fiance's friend cheated on his then fiance/girlfriend (I can't remember if they were engaged yet), and EVERYONE knew what was going on except the girlfriend.  That's awful!  I would HATE to be this girl.  Imagine?  Now, they're married, and I always wonder if she knows now or even knew then and just ignored it.  What a couple goes through in their own house and relationship is their thing, I would just hate for it to be my thing.

    If a friend of mine knew this type of information, it would be really difficult to swallow, but I think I'd want to know.  I mean, what's worse than not knowing?  I'd rather not sit by blindly thinking everything is hunky dory. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Cheating

    It's a tough call.  I was best friends with a girl from the time I was five until we were 20.  What happened?  I told her, truthfully, that her boyfriend asked me to.. um... join the "happy couple" in bed.  She moved out of my apartment and didn't speak to me again for seven years.  We only recently reconnected on Facebook, and our conversations are generally limited to comments on status updates.  Her mother, who raised me, still refuses to talk to me.  I still think she needed to know. 

    FWIW, she is now married to someone else.  And it wasn't that he made a joke and I overreacted.  He brought it up, very seriously, several times.  And he was also a little too flirtatious with one of our other friends.

    Then again, if telling her will save her from making a huge mistake, I feel like it's worth the risk.  What we really need is some sort of scheme worthy of Jack and Chrissy where you make her aware without her ever realizing that you engineered it....

    I am putting on my thinking cap.... Undecided
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Lucy, I'm sorry your friend dumped you for being the best friend she could hope for.  And, her mom, too?  I suppose that's where she got her poor attitude about it, sadly.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I just always see it as, "What if this girl were me?".  I think I'd want to know. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]I just always see it as, "What if this girl were me?".  I think I'd want to know. 
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    Indeed, me too.  The way Lucy's friend reacted baffles me.  Did she think she was lying?  Did she think she was telling her to hurt her?  I know Lucy well enough to know neither was the case, and I don't know her in "real life" at all let alone since I was in kindergarten.  I just don't understand.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I suppose that some people are so blindly in love, that they don't want to believe that they're loved one would do something like that. 

    I had a friend of mine who was married and would always "suggest" that we should get together.  I've had a boyfriend (now fiance and soon to be husband) the entire time he and I have been friends.  He would joke here and there and flirt with me, but I stupidly ignored it.  Up until he flat out asked that we "just get naked right now" while my fiance was in the bathroom.  Long story short, we had gone out to dinner while he was in town visiting, and my fiance (we were only engaged for about a month at the time) was in the bathroom.  The friend said that we should get naked, and I got up, grabbed my man and left.  Totally disgusted with my friend!!  I will never forget it.  He called me and texted me the next day apologizing up and down.  I called him back and left him a message to stay away from me and leave me alone FOREVER. 

    It's been over a year, and he hasn't contacted me since.  I have to tell you, every time I think of him or the situation, I get sick to my stomach.  He's a SICK person!
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from lizinboston. Show lizinboston's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]To elaborate a bit, both her bf and the girl were sober when it happened. My friend does not know. I am not sure if I am supposed to tell her or stay out of it? Does it make a difference that he was not drunk?
    Posted by GirlyGirl82[/QUOTE]

    Sober or drunk, you do not cheat. Enough said. Tell her.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]This is somewhat of a double edged sword.  If someone has this type of information, what do they do with it?  I've seen cheating.  My fiance's friend cheated on his then fiance/girlfriend (I can't remember if they were engaged yet), and EVERYONE knew what was going on except the girlfriend.  That's awful!  I would HATE to be this girl.  Imagine?  Now, they're married, and I always wonder if she knows now or even knew then and just ignored it.  What a couple goes through in their own house and relationship is their thing, I would just hate for it to be my thing. If a friend of mine knew this type of information, it would be really difficult to swallow, but I think I'd want to know.  I mean, what's worse than not knowing?  I'd rather not sit by blindly thinking everything is hunky dory. 
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    I had a similar situation with DHs friend.  It bothered me, but his FI wasn't a close friend, so it was none of my business.  Her friends knew and I always wondered why no one told her.  If she were my best friend, I would have told her.

    I had a friend inform me of a past boyfriends infidelity.  She told me several months after it happened, so I was a bit irritated she waited, but very glad she told me.  She said she had been debating on whether or not to tell me.  I told her I would have been pissed if she hadn't. 
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Could you force him to tell her? He obviously knows that you know. Tell him that if he doesn't tell her what happened that you will which will be much worse for her. If he loves her for real, then they can work through it together. If he doesn't love her enough to be honest then she deserves to know that too.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Cheating

    It's not just the cheating that bothers me about this post, but his saying "how attracted" he is to this other girl.  That bothers me a lot, too!!!  I can see how people are attractive, that part I get.  But, to BE attracted to someone else is such a different issue all together.  Grosses me out.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I would want someone to tell me.  Even if it ruins the friendship, can you live with yourself knowing and not telling her?  If she is a real friend, she will eventually forgive you.  I'd like to say she won't get mad, but she probably will (out of an emotional response, not because she's really mad at you). 

    Or, like Cici said, make him tell her.  Or even send her an anonymous note telling her.  She needs to know.  The longer she doesn't know, the worse it will be.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Don't tell her, tell him you know and that he has to tell her or you will.
    If you tell her, she'll go through anger and denial and lash out at you.
    The reason she'll be angry is that you were able to find this out for yourself and she wasn't. It makes her feel stupid. It hurts.

    But, I maintain that you can love someone and cheat on them. It's not healthy or something anyone should do, But, it happens all the time and marriages and relationships survive it all the time. That doesn't mean everyone will forgive it, many people won't, but some people decide the relationship is worth saving.
    Of course, not every cheater still loves ther S.O., but some do.
    There's a lot of variables involved. It's very different looking at a situation from the outside than seeing it from the inside.
    And as I said, if you can't even fathom the action you're not going to be able to understand why anyone would do it or forgive it. You can't understand the situation until you're in it. It's not just 2+2=4, there are emotions involved, so things don't add up so nicely.

    I recommend reading "Can this marriage be saved?" in Ladies Home Journal. You'll read about many marriages that survive affairs with patience, love and understanding.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cheating : Indeed, me too.  The way Lucy's friend reacted baffles me.  Did she think she was lying?  Did she think she was telling her to hurt her?  I know Lucy well enough to know neither was the case, and I don't know her in "real life" at all let alone since I was in kindergarten.  I just don't understand.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    Thank you.  I really appreciate it.

    Sadly, she just wanted to be in love so badly that nothing else mattered.  Although I am still utterly baffled by it, he swept her off her feet.  He was the first guy she slept with, which may have had something to do with it. 

    Also, she always had really low self-esteem, because she was always on the heavy side.  I also think that she was really excited at the idea of "beating" me, so to speak.  She always went out of her way to talk about how her relationship was better than mine (granted, the guy I was with at the time was no winner), and I really think she wanted to get married to somehow prove something.

    I am glad that we've managed to reconnect.  I think that, if I still lived in my hometown, we are grown up enough to manage coffee or something.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from lizinboston. Show lizinboston's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]I would want someone to tell me.  Even if it ruins the friendship, can you live with yourself knowing and not telling her?  If she is a real friend, she will eventually forgive you.  I'd like to say she won't get mad, but she probably will (out of an emotional response, not because she's really mad at you).  Or, like Cici said, make him tell her.  Or even send her an anonymous note telling her.  She needs to know.  The longer she doesn't know, the worse it will be.
    Posted by trex509[/QUOTE]

    I would want someone telling me! My God, I would not want my FI running around cheating on me and my friend knowing. I can honestly say I do not know how I would feel after my friend told me, but I would be mortified that she knew the whole time, and here I was sitting around, thinking everything was fine and dandy, totally normal, and I didn't know a thing.

    Or yes, you could always threaten him, and say if you don't tell her, I will.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Cheating

    That's how you'd feel after she told you. You'd be mortified, angry, confused and possibly in denial. Because she was able to find out and you weren't or, worse, your BF was able to be honest with her and not you. You feel stupid, hurt, sad and angry. All at the same time.
    The initial reaction is not going to be pretty and the chances that the messanger will be shot are great.
    Better to have the cheater, who is deserving of sucha  reaction, break the news themselves.
    If they refuse, write a letter. It narrows the chance of an immediate angry outburst in yoru direction.

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cheating :  I can honestly say I do not know how I would feel after my friend told me, but I would be mortified that she knew the whole time, and here I was sitting around, thinking everything was fine and dandy, totally normal, and I didn't know a thing.Posted by lizinboston[/QUOTE]
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Pink, I agree marriages and relationships can be saved; you are living proof if nothing else.  What I meant by my harsher post is that Girly needs to know how SHE feels about it.  It seems she's just drifting on this issue looking to us to tell her what's right and wrong.  We can tell her what WE think is right and wrong, but at this age the fact is she needs to figure out what she thinks independantly at this point.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Cheating

    With regards to the question at hand by the poster, I believe that anything is possible.  There are ways that a person can be completely and utterly deceptive, and have a WHOLE other family.  Yes, I've seen all those Lifetime movies.  There are people out there who can love/be with one person, but yet cheat on them.  Maybe they aren't getting what they "need" from their partner, but they're getting everything else (emotional support, etc).  Then, there are people out there who have partners, cheat on them, but love no one. 

    Who knows how the human mind or heart works.  I know mine doesn't work that way.  I'm with the person I love, and that's it for me.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I'd want to know. What if she ends up marrying this guy and he's running around with playthings on the side?

    A few friends once got together to do an intervention for me. When they told me that my boyfriend was cheating, I lashed out at them, said they were lying, etc. It took me a while to realize they were right, and then I went crawling back asking for them to forgive me and to help me castrate the guy.

    That said, it's not that easy to just tell your friend. I agree with Pink, tell him that he better tell her. Do you have any scary brothers/friends who are good motivators? Is this guy going to admit his infidelity?
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Kar- I don't know where you're getting that but I'm not living proof. My marriage thankfully has never had to endure that kind of trouble. DH & I are faithful, and always have been to each other.
    But I have cheated in a past relationship, and I can tell you that I was one who used to say "I would never do that, that's awful". But I did. And I'd never do it again. It's a lose-lose situation, but human beings are weak and flawed. Sometimes reason and logic don't dictate our actions. But we are capable of learning from our mistakes and changing our behavior.
    I'm living proof that "once a cheater always a cheater" is a crock.

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Unless they are being delusional, the party being cheated on ALWAYS knows, deep down, that something is wrong. Whether they choose to acknowledge it is another story. 

    How does Girlygirl know this  guy cheated? Did she witness it, is it common knowledge among friends, etc?  I think you can direct a conversation in such a way that you can clue the friend in that something is amiss w/o actually saying what happened. I would let my friends know I wasn't keen about some guy they were dating, but would be vague about what it was.  That should  be sufficient for most intelligent people - it will get them thinking.  I think confronting Lover Boy and telling him that you know and that he needs to tell his GF is a better way to go. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]Unless they are being delusional, the party being cheated on ALWAYS knows, deep down, that something is wrong. Whether they choose to acknowledge it is another story.   
    Posted by ALF72[/QUOTE]

    I agree 100%.  When I found out my ex cheated, I had known something was wrong for a while.

    As far as her reaction, it can depend.  I wasn't mad at my friend, but would have been if I found out she knew and never told me.  That being said, if I had heard it from someone I wasn't that close with, I would question it and probably be angry with them. 

    My sisters friend caught her bf cheating last December - he was making out with a girl at a bar and her friend took a picture on her cell phone and sent it to my sister.  My sister didn't get mad at her friend and was glad to have the evidence when she confronted her bf, as he denied it when she gave him a chance to come clean.  They are no longer together.

    I do know some people who would get angry at the messenger preferring ignorant bliss, or for the various reasons others have posted. 

    Girlygirl - good luck however you choose.
     
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