Cheating

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I don't think anyone could ever get mad if someone sent you a picture like that. I think the anger usually comes from denial, you can't deny hard evidence unless you're reeeaaally delusional.

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cheating : I agree 100%.  When I found out my ex cheated, I had known something was wrong for a while. As far as her reaction, it can depend.  I wasn't mad at my friend, but would have been if I found out she knew and never told me.  That being said, if I had heard it from someone I wasn't that close with, I would question it and probably be angry with them.  My sisters friend caught her bf cheating last December - he was making out with a girl at a bar and her friend took a picture on her cell phone and sent it to my sister.  My sister didn't get mad at her friend and was glad to have the evidence when she confronted her bf, as he denied it when she gave him a chance to come clean.  They are no longer together. I do know some people who would get angry at the messenger preferring ignorant bliss, or for the various reasons others have posted.  Girlygirl - good luck however you choose.
    Posted by dkb6248[/QUOTE]
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]Kar-... But I have cheated in a past relationship, and I can tell you that I was one who used to say "I would never do that, that's awful". But I did. And I'd never do it again....I'm living proof that "once a cheater always a cheater" is a crock.
    Posted by pinkkittie27[/QUOTE]

    That's where I was getting that idea.  I thought that relationship survived it.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Cheating is a symptom, not the problem.  People who cheat need something they are not getting in their relationship.  Whether its a thrill or a way out or they can't be monagmous, who knows. 

    I have to come down on the side of not telling.  I could go Pink's way and try to force him to tell her, but I really think you have to stay out of other people's problems.  I know everyone says they would want to know, but most people would not believe their friend, or not want to believe their friend.  You are also left to deal with the aftermath of your relationship...if your friend knowingly stays with a person who cheats, what do you think of her?  And you have to be absolutely sure of the evidence.  I agree with ALF, I think most people who are with cheaters know.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    She probably knows so don't make sure?  I'd have saved myself 9 years of marriage and a divorce if someone had gone and TOLD me what I needed to know BEFORE the wedding.  What's up with this advice?
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from helphelpImbeingrepressed. Show helphelpImbeingrepressed's posts

    Re: Cheating

    "if your friend knowingly stays with a person who cheats, what do you think of her?"

    I wouldn't pay it any mind. Monogamy is not the only route to happiness and cheaters are not all evil, selfish bastards.

    I would give the cheater the opportunity to fix his/her mistake, but there's no way I'd let a friend be habitually cheated on unknowingly. There's just too much at risk. What she/he does with that info is their concern.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Cheating

    But what about the people who don't know the SO is cheating? They do exist. I don't know how you're simply supposed to know, to sense something wrong. It doesn't always work that way.

    It seems like this girl doesn't know about her boyfriend's infidelity.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cheating : You know, I might be able to forgive my boyfriend for cheating on me.  However, I would not be able to forgive my best friend for utterly disregarding my feelings and violating my trust.  Since they are the same person, it would be a huge problem.
    Posted by lucy7368[/QUOTE]


    I think this is a very good point.  For many people in committed relationships, their SO is also their best friend (not all situations, but many).  So then it is not only your bf/fi/dh cheating on you physically with another person, but it's your best friend violating every possible best friend code of conduct.  If you found out your very best friend, your most trusted soulmate, had been talking smack about you behind your back, would you forgive her?  To me, it's a similar question... in either case (the cheating or the talking about behind the back) I don't think I could ever forgive, and certainly not forget. 


    Girly - for what it's worth, my opinion would be to not tell her unless you have hard evidence.  I can't tell from your original post - did the boyfriend specifically TELL you he cheated?  If he did, I would say: tell the girlfriend.  If it's more a case of "so-and-so told me that so-and-so told them that he cheated" I wouldn't tell her.  What a hard situation to be in...

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]She probably knows so don't make sure?  I'd have saved myself 9 years of marriage and a divorce if someone had gone and TOLD me what I needed to know BEFORE the wedding.  What's up with this advice?
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

         I think that people would agree more on advice if the situation were an engaged couple, or married.
         So far,  GirlyGirl describes it as   boyfriend - girlfriend, and a boyfriend who talks about intimate things with girl friend's friend  rather than girlfriend herself.  This does not sound like a mature or committed relationship by both parties.
         They sound like they are (or he is) still defining whether or not this is "true love"  and different rules apply.  If he has never even come to a point of NOT dating a variety of people until fairly recently,  he has not been thinking "monogamous."  That step is one a person has to decide to make on their own.
        That girlfriend thinks that is how he ought to be means nothing if he has never made that commitment.  Maybe they will not be together in 15 months.
         This is way before time when friends are obliged to tell someone "for their own good"  as with engaged people who have made a commitment, and really are cheating on an agreed on behavior of keeping only to each other.
        In my opinion, girlfriend's girlfriend Girly girl  should tell the boyfriend, talk to tyour  girlfriend, leave me out of this.  You 2 have to decide if this is a committed relationship, as girlfriend thinks, or an open one as you the boyfriend thinks.  That is no one else's business at this point.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlyGirl82. Show GirlyGirl82's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Thought I would update. My friend has been dating her bf for 3 years and they live together. The girl he is cheating with has been a friend of his. I found out because I saw bf and this girl together at a restaraunt, but I did not confront them because I did not think it was my place. I am contemplating telling my friend about it. My friend thinks everything is okay and talks about future wedding plans, etc. He tells her he loves her. Can he really love her? I don't understand guys sometimes, and if they are capable of loving their SO and having sex with someone else and having it be meaningless. It bothers me.  I think I should tell her, but thought this was a good place to sound off and look for ideas and advice before I make any rash decisions.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Some people are capable of just about anything.  Some can push aside their emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and pay things absolutely no mind.  It's sad. 

    If I were you, I would start with the boyfriend first.  Do what the other posters said.  Tell him you'll tell her if he doesn't.

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    You have two issues that you are mingling.

    One is for her alone to decide.  If he really loves her.  That's not up to you to figure out.

    What is up to you is to decide if you want to tell her.  Given your update and her head-in-the-clouds outlook it's a no brainer as far as I'm concerned, but I acknowledge that sound minded friends here disagree.  Regardless, this is the only decision you have.

    Mingling the "does he really love her" with "should I tell her" is a mistake.  The former consideration shouldn't impact what, if anything, you say to her at all.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlyGirl82. Show GirlyGirl82's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Kar, Oh I am not trying to figure out if he specifically loves her. I know I can't do that. I was posing that question in general, like does anyone think it is possible someone can be completely in love with their SO yet cheat on the side and have the cheating really mean nothing? I have heard guys can do this, but, I am not sure if it is a crock of p o o or if guys really can separate this stuff.

    I think I am going to tell her, I just need to figure out how
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Well, how do you know if he did anything other than have dinner w/ her?  The mere fact that someone went to a restaurant w/ a friend of the opposite sex does not mean that any hanky panky went on.  If all you have to go on is seeing him at a restaurant w/ another woman, I would say you definitely need to MYOB.  

    Both my DH and I have had dinner, alone, w/ single and married friends of the opposite sex. Generally we  all go together, but there have been times where we have gone alone.  Also, it's possible that this guy just had some fantasy of wanting to go on a 'date' [and nothing more] w/ this girl.  Who among us has not had thoughts about someone other than our FI or DH? It's normal to think about the guy next door, or your friend's husband, even if you are happily married.  The key is not to do anything about it.  The mere fact that I got married does not mean that I never think about other men and their attractiveness - it just means that I don't act on it.  I would not have gone to dinner w/ a friend that I am attracted to, but if someone else does, as long as they don't cross the line into physically cheating, well, that's not something for me to stick my nose into. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Yes, I think it's a crock of p o o, for whatever it's worth, an excuse cooked up to excuse bad behavior.

    ALF is totally right.  I have very close guy friends, and we've had dinner...nothing else.

    Be SURE if you tell her.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]Thought I would update. My friend has been dating her bf for 3 years and they live together. The girl he is cheating with has been a friend of his. I found out because I saw bf and this girl together at a restaraunt, but I did not confront them because I did not think it was my place. ...Posted by GirlyGirl82[/QUOTE]

         When you saw them together, were they having sex in the restaurant?

         Even married people, as well as engaged, have dinner with single friends in restaurants.  Generally a better place to meet than either one's home, as public places denote, nothing private going on beyond friendship.
         To report to girlfriend would be wrong.  You are inferring "cheating"  rather than knowing it, and for your suspicion and tale-bearing you would likely lose your friendship with both sides.  Stay out of what is their business, not yours.
         I have had unrelated male friends stay at my house while single, while engaged and while married, in a platonic way, even with no one else present.  It had everything to do with the fact that hotels are  an expensive waste when multiple empty guest rooms are available, and also wanting to stay up and yak, maybe with liquor served, late into the night.  Not cheating in any way.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Actually, I lived with 2 guys two summers (same place) in college, and there was nothing ever going on.

    When you said you knew he was cheating, I thought you actually KNEW something.  That's why I said to tell her.  If you don't know, on the other hand, I agree totally with ALF and whata.

    There's a big difference between knowing and inferring in any situation.  There are very few things in life we actually KNOW for facts.  The older I get the more I know how little I know.  Actually, U2's City of Blinding Lights sums it up more poetically:

          The more you see the less you know
          The less you find out as you go
          I knew much more then, than I do now
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]Thought I would update. My friend has been dating her bf for 3 years and they live together. The girl he is cheating with has been a friend of his. I found out because I saw bf and this girl together at a restaraunt, but I did not confront them because I did not think it was my place. I am contemplating telling my friend about it. My friend thinks everything is okay and talks about future wedding plans, etc. He tells her he loves her. Can he really love her? I don't understand guys sometimes, and if they are capable of loving their SO and having sex with someone else and having it be meaningless. It bothers me.  I think I should tell her, but thought this was a good place to sound off and look for ideas and advice before I make any rash decisions.
    Posted by GirlyGirl82[/QUOTE]

    were they making out??? If they were simply together in a restaurant, it doesn't mean they are cheating.  Are you sure?
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]Actually, I lived with 2 guys two summers (same place) in college, and there was nothing ever going on. When you said you knew he was cheating, I thought you actually KNEW something.  That's why I said to tell her.  If you don't know, on the other hand, I agree totally with ALF and whata. There's a big difference between knowing and inferring in any situation.  There are very few things in life we actually KNOW for facts.  The older I get the more I know how little I know.  Actually, U2's City of Blinding Lights sums it up more poetically:       The more you see the less you know       The less you find out as you go       I knew much more then, than I do now
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]


    Bob Dylan said,

    "Ah, but I was so much older then...I'm younger than that now...."

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Dylan is a wise man, AB.  He makes more sense as the years go on, too.  :-)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Yeah, and I never would have known what the U2 quote meant in my 20s, either.  Now, it's all too obvious. ;)
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I've thought about this alot and I rescind my previous advice.  I got into an overanalytical mood and decided that I would tell some people if their partner was cheating, but not others and I couldn't issue blanket advice. 

    I also think this is not always about letting the person being cheated on know about the cheating for her own good, but also about the person doing the telling.  This is a very big secret to keep and also, a very big secret to share.   I don't think its all as black and white as it sounds.  You do also have to be prepared for the enormous toll this can take on your friendship, but then doing the right thing, if you decide it is the right thing, is worth the pain.

    But it also depends on who these people are to me, and where they are in their relationship.  Is it the same to tell your college friend that your saw her boyfriend making out with someone at a party as it is to tell your 40-something friend her husband and the father of her three children is having an affair with his secretary?  Which is more important to tell?

    And I don't really know how much of a difference this ever makes in people's decisions.  I know Kar says it would have saved her 9 years of heartache, but would it have?  You can't really know what you would do with this information.  Does it really take a friend telling you something that you already have an inkling of?  

    As I said, I think cheating is a symptom that becomes a problem, but there is a problem behind the cheating.  Therefore, I really don't think, Girlygirl, that a person can be truly in love with another person, prepared to commit to her, and need to get something "out of his system".  I do think that some people can "compartmentalize" such things, wall them off and believe what he is thinking, he may even think he is totally in love with her.  But I think if a person has something to get out of his system, there is something else going in.

    Personal sharing...When I was in college, way back in the dark ages, I had a very serious boyfriend.  I really loved him, and was in love.  But in my junior year, I went to the wedding of summer work colleague, met her younger brother, thought he was the cutest thing ever and had a serious make out session.  I was not engaged, but my boyfriend and I had what we considered a monagomous, committed relationship.  I was wracked with guilt and ended up telling my boyfriend.  Our relationship lasted until the end of college and ended amicably.  But it ended for the reason I had the make out session in the first place.  I was still very attracted to other men and still wanted to act on those feelings.  We weren't ready for a permanent committment and in fact, in the end, were not ever going to be able to make it work. 

    So you can love someone and "cheat" on them (yes, I know making out is minor cheating in this day and age), but that does not mean there is not something behind it that needs to be worked out.

    And I agree with the others girlygirl, you must be absolutely certain that there was something beyond dinner before you tell.  And remember.  Even if he told you himself that they had s.ex, be prepared for this to possibly become a he said/she said.

    I wish you luck.  I think the best thing to do is simply be open an honest.  These days, I usually start out these tough conversations by saying "This is really hard and I am not sure what to say, so please bear with me.  I am saying this to you as a friend because I care about you, and I would want you to do the same for me.  Maybe you even know".
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I agree that if you didn't actually see them making out/naked together that you shouldn't say anything. Did this guy admit the cheating?

    I disagree that you can cheat on and still be in love with your SO.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I can tell you for SURE I'd have called it off.  I didn't know, and the issue wasn't cheating.

    But, you're right, you can't guarantee that you're exposing a damaging truth will "save" the person from their ignorance.  Telling, though, should be a moral decision not based on whether they will likely act on the truth or not.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    [QUOTE]I can tell you for SURE I'd have called it off.  I didn't know, and the issue wasn't cheating. But, you're right, you can't guarantee that you're exposing a damaging truth will "save" the person from their ignorance.  Telling, though, should be a moral decision not based on whether they will likely act on the truth or not.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I agree Kar, and I had a whole post planned agreeing with the post where you pointed this out when the OP posted her clarification that she was asking this question out of curiosity.  I can understand why someone might think about taking this into consideration, but I agree they are really separate issues. 

    But you really do need to know its the truth!
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I am a little confused - does he know that you know about the cheating? If not, how do you know how he says he feels? Sorry if I just completely missed something!!

    "He says he is completely in love with my friend, but was just super attracted to this other girl (a girl he knew not just some random girl he met out) and had to get it out of his system."  

    "I found out because I saw bf and this girl together at a restaraunt, but I did not confront them because I did not think it was my place. "
     

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