Cheating

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlyGirl82. Show GirlyGirl82's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I also guess that I wonder if it is possible to really love someone, and yet stray anyhow. I know I do not know truly what his thoughts are, but I ask this question in general. It made me think if it can be possible or not.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I feel like we're having a totally one sided conversation.  By that age we generally have a strong conviction ourselves about what's right and wrong for US, and we've had 8 pages of discussion without your letting us in on your own thoughts about it.  It seems like you're looking to us to tell you how to feel and think morally about love and what is acceptable in relationships.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Cheating

    We never know what anyone's thought processes truly are, except our own.  At this point, honestly, I'd not say anything to her.  I would take him aside and tell him that he needs to decide what he wants to do about his relationship.  If you see something happen again, then say something.  I really don't see how what you saw could have been THAT bad if it took you weeks to think about whether you needed to say something - no matter how non-confrontational you are. 
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I also guess that I wonder if it is possible to really love someone, and yet stray anyhow. I know I do not know truly what his thoughts are, but I ask this question in general. It made me think if it can be possible or not.
    Posted by GirlyGirl82


    Real committed love does not leave room in it for dating others.  I can see weird moments of loss of control, but what you witnessed was a date.  Something planned in advance with prior knowledge.  That's cheating and in my book, not real love.

    There may be those who define a committed relationship differently than I do.  but of course, I would not commit to those people, so it is irrelevant to my definition.  If your friend thinks love means monogamy, then his actions tell me he is not in 'real love.'

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I think OP is young and perhaps should stay out of any drama.  Boyfriend and girlfriend sound like they are at a stage of growing in understanding about how relationships change over time, and need to focus on their relationship themselves.       People much older, or post break-up of a long term relationship have a different experience.  In teen years and very early twenties most men and women go through a period of learning to define relationships and commitments.         They need space to do that without spies giving information, mini-cams and cell phone reports.       Too many people and opinions cloud things.  They cannot learn the consequences of their own actions, their need to be truthful about their own feelings, and confronting their partner's feelings and actions without amateur therapists - excuse me, well meaning friends- getting involved.
    Posted by whatawagSBNy


    You're talking about middle schoolers and teenagers, though. I mean, come on, by the time you're an adult you should have a handle on what it means to be in a relationship and, after 3 years of dating (like Girly's friend), what it means to be committed to each other.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    In Response to Re: Cheating : You're talking about middle schoolers and teenagers, though. I mean, come on, by the time you're an adult you should have a handle on what it means to be in a relationship and, after 3 years of dating (like Girly's friend), what it means to be committed to each other.
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease


    I can't imagine being in a relationship for three years without figuring out, at some point, that I am not supposed to be also dating other people.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I also guess that I wonder if it is possible to really love someone, and yet stray anyhow. I know I do not know truly what his thoughts are, but I ask this question in general. It made me think if it can be possible or not.
    Posted by GirlyGirl82


    It's possible that he loves her, but clearly not enough.  If you are in a committed, monogamous relationship and you deeply love someone, you believe that they deserve the best and that includes being being the best partner you can be.  Though he may love her, he loves himself more and his actions are selfish and reckless.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I also guess that I wonder if it is possible to really love someone, and yet stray anyhow. I know I do not know truly what his thoughts are, but I ask this question in general. It made me think if it can be possible or not.
    Posted by GirlyGirl82


    Anything is possible, and everyone's different.  I don't think this question CAN be generalized.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from heatherv1211. Show heatherv1211's posts

    Re: Cheating

    So this guy is dumb AND a cheater.  This girl needs to be told, whether it's by the boyfriend himself or by whoever else has seen it going on.  Which might only be GG.  I don't think the argument of "if you tell her you risk the friendship" should come into play - it's selfish.  Which is morally better - telling her what you SAW (this isnt' just something GG *suspects* - it's something she saw) and risking the friendship, or NOT telling her what you saw and risking the friendship?  Which is the action of a true friend?

    Also, on this forum especially, I think we all ought to be careful about labeling non married, non engaged folks as automatically being in non-committed relationships.  We should all know not to generalize like that.  come on, people.

     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    Also, on this forum especially, I think we all ought to be careful about labeling non married, non engaged folks as automatically being in non-committed relationships.  We should all know not to generalize like that.  come on, people.
    Posted by heatherv1211


    I agree. Three years is a long time and = serious, committed relationship. Regardless of the couple's marital status, this is a serious situation. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Cheating

    well put and I agree. Seeing something yourself is far different than hearing about it through grapevine. Something needs to be done.

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    So this guy is dumb AND a cheater.  This girl needs to be told, whether it's by the boyfriend himself or by whoever else has seen it going on.  Which might only be GG.  I don't think the argument of "if you tell her you risk the friendship" should come into play - it's selfish.  Which is morally better - telling her what you SAW (this isnt' just something GG *suspects* - it's something she saw) and risking the friendship, or NOT telling her what you saw and risking the friendship?  Which is the action of a true friend? Also, on this forum especially, I think we all ought to be careful about labeling non married, non engaged folks as automatically being in non-committed relationships.  We should all know not to generalize like that.  come on, people.
    Posted by heatherv1211

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    In Response to Re: Cheating : You're talking about middle schoolers and teenagers, though. I mean, come on, by the time you're an adult you should have a handle on what it means to be in a relationship and, after 3 years of dating (like Girly's friend), what it means to be committed to each other.
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease


    My poiny exactly.  Adults know these things.  We might not all agree on what constitutes acceptable behavior in a committed relationship or what behavior constitues true friendship with our friends at age 30, but we know what we believe and have stopped asking others about it long ago.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Missy509. Show Missy509's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I would defnitely tell my friend and would be pissed if my friend knew my SO was cheating and didnt tell me! That being said, w t f is wag's issue? So wag, only engaged and married people are committed? Does that mean that before you were engaged/married and just dating your DH he was free to date who he wanted because you were not committed?  Give me a break and get off your stupid high horse already. You sound like a jacka s s.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I also guess that I wonder if it is possible to really love someone, and yet stray anyhow. I know I do not know truly what his thoughts are, but I ask this question in general. It made me think if it can be possible or not.
    Posted by GirlyGirl82


    Well, I did answer this, but will repeat.  Yes you can love someone (or think you love someone) and cheat.  BUT that does not mean there is NOT a problem.

    The very fact that this man pulled you aside to tell you how in love he was with his girlfriend means (to me anyway) that he thinks you are off to tell her.  That means he knows what he is doing is wrong.

    I still feel this is a very situational question, but I do agree with ALF on one regard--I think if you wanted to tell her, you would have done so already.

    Oh, and wanted to thank everyone for their comments on their male/female relationships!
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Funny how we never got a response regarding the question of what 'all over each other' meant.  I'm guessing it's in the same category of "man and woman he's not dating in a restaurant together = cheating".  I think Girly is reading way too much into what she saw to justify getting involved.  I think she knows it too, which is why she still hasn't said anything to her friend. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I would defnitely tell my friend and would be pissed if my friend knew my SO was cheating and didnt tell me! That being said, w t f is wag's issue? So wag, only engaged and married people are committed? Does that mean that before you were engaged/married and just dating your DH he was free to date who he wanted because you were not committed?  Give me a break and get off your stupid high horse already. You sound like a jacka s s.
    Posted by Missy509

         Not what I said,  only that before the point of a publicly affirmed engagement or marriage,  I would have appreciated being allowed to work out my/his extent of commitment with each other,  without info and updates from others.  Other people often pass on mis-interpretations and mis-information, according to their own view of what others' relationships "should be."

         People need to work out their relationships without interference or drama from others.  It really is not other people's business to spy or report on what they see.

          Missy - why can't you stick to your opinions of the subject under discussion, without name calling?  The forums are set up to allow differences of opinion, not personal attacks.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlyGirl82. Show GirlyGirl82's posts

    Re: Cheating

    I didn't specify "all over" because in my group, we all know what that means. I wasn't thinking some people wouldn't know. Anyhow, to simply put it, they were making out, had their arms around each other, holding hands, etc.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from GirlyGirl82. Show GirlyGirl82's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Wag, so are you saying that if I see a friend being cheated on that is not engaged, I should not say anything because she doesn't yet have a ring? I am confused.  Do I wait until he proposes and announces his commitment and then tell her?
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I didn't specify "all over" because in my group, we all know what that means. I wasn't thinking some people wouldn't know. Anyhow, to simply put it, they were making out, had their arms around each other, holding hands, etc.
    Posted by GirlyGirl82


    And you are seriously conflicted about any of this?  This is the saddest thread I've read that's actually REAL on these boards since I got here in 2005.

    I mean, truly, we all know what "all over each other," means, too, but for pete's sake we (or at least I) figured that you couldn't have meant the traditional definition because then you'd KNOW what that means with respect to the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and with your relationship with your so called close friend.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    Wag, so are you saying that if I see a friend being cheated on that is not engaged, I should not say anything because she doesn't yet have a ring? I am confused.  Do I wait until he proposes and announces his commitment and then tell her?
    Posted by GirlyGirl82

         If what you call cheating is sitting in a public restaurant, with their arms around each other and holding hands,  Yes.

         If his relationship with the other female progresses,  he can work it out with his girlfriend, they stay together or they split apart.  She can make her judgements from his behavior.

         If he reconsiders, decides the old relationship is what he wants, there is time to put on the brakes and go no further.
         Either way, the girlfriend does not need instant messenger service  from you.
         People need a chance to honestly read and communicate with each other within their relationship, without interference from third parties.
         Sometimes that means time to think things over - for him, for her,  and then decide, where do we go from here? 
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Scorpio75. Show Scorpio75's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    In Response to Re: Cheating :      If what you call cheating is sitting in a public restaurant, with their arms around each other and holding hands,  Yes.      If his relationship with the other female progresses,  he can work it out with his girlfriend, they stay together or they split apart.  She can make her judgements from his behavior.      If he reconsiders, decides the old relationship is what he wants, there is time to put on the brakes and go no further.      Either way, the girlfriend does not need instant messenger service  from you.      People need a chance to honestly read and communicate with each other within their relationship, without interference from third parties.      Sometimes that means time to think things over - for him, for her,  and then decide, where do we go from here? 
    Posted by whatawagSBNy


    Wow GG said in addition to having their arms around each other and holding hands that they were MAKING OUT!  Geez, I am so glad you are not my friend.  If my now DH was making out with another girl I sure as hell would want to know, if he is out to dinner with another woman then I probably know about it, and he has women friends, but I draw the line at him making out with others.

    I am tempted to put wag on ignore but some of the sh!t she comes up with is so outrageous it is kind of entertaining and other times, I am just thankful that I doubt I will ever have to run into her in person.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    I didn't specify "all over" because in my group, we all know what that means. I wasn't thinking some people wouldn't know. Anyhow, to simply put it, they were making out, had their arms around each other, holding hands, etc.
    Posted by GirlyGirl82


    I asked b/c you have given next to no details about it.  You said "cheating" in the first post, but then, when asked, just said you saw them in a restaurant together.  It's like pulling teeth to get you to give info needed to make any rational comment about the situation. Had you said in your first post "I saw my friend's boyfriend in a restaurant w/ another girl with his arms around her and making out.  Should I tell my friend?" we would not have gone on for pages and pages.  It would have been a short post w/ everyone telling you, yes, this is cheating.  Consult your conscience and figure out what to do. 

    Geez.  You are like a partner at my old firm I used to hate to work with.  He'd give you a tiny piece of a fact pattern, you'd spend hours researching it then present the results to him, and then he'd say "would it matter if X".  And of course X mattered immensely.  Talk about a time waster.  And then he'd complain about all the time you billed to the matter.  Drove me batty.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Cheating

    Hey ALF - I love your story; I think we've all known people like that.  I think they like the attention so they purposely leave out pertinent details to get more and more time and energy spent on their "problem." 

    In all fairness, we're to blame for sticking with the thread.  GG didn't hold a gun to our heads. ;)

    However, much to GG's glee, I'm bowing out of this one.  I have the flu...not that she'd be happy I have the flu, just that I'm leaving her to her dilemma in peace from now on.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    Hey ALF - I love your story; I think we've all known people like that.  I think they like the attention so they purposely leave out pertinent details to get more and more time and energy spent on their "problem."  ...  Posted by kargiver


         Unfortunately, when 3rd parties involve themselves in your love life,  they often seem to be feeding their own take on things and their own agenda  to you along with the info.   I would rather deal directly with my loved one.
          Sometimes that means recognizing when they are not coming home to you and seem preoccupied with another person.
          Not all relationships last.  I'd rather sort things out without outside "help",  which can be more interference in private matters than help.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Cheating

    In Response to Re: Cheating:
    In Response to Re: Cheating :      Unfortunately, when 3rd parties involve themselves in your love life,  they often seem to be feeding their own take on things and their own agenda  to you along with the info.   I would rather deal directly with my loved one.       Sometimes that means recognizing when they are not coming home to you and seem preoccupied with another person.       Not all relationships last.  I'd rather sort things out without outside "help",  which can be more interference in private matters than help.
    Posted by whatawagSBNy


    Freaking out when they're not coming home on time feeds paranoia, which by itself can destroy a relationship. I don't want to play Clue when trying to figure out if my SO is cheating; if someone sees something, say something. Kind of like the MBTA campaign.
     
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