Crappy situation vent

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from rysmom. Show rysmom's posts

    Crappy situation vent

    Hi All,
    So, we have a family wedding coming up and only one of our cousins is not married or engaged.  That person is in a relationship.  I just found out their significant other was not invited.  I understand that you have to draw the line somewhere but come on!  This person also has to travel a distance to get there.  Yes they could go with their parents but who wants to do that when you are in your mid to late twenties?  I doubt there is anything that can be done at this point but it is really crappy and I was so looking forward to spending time with them at the wedding now they might not come.  Boo.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    That does stink.  It's uncomfortable for everyone, and worse than that for the poor cousin who has to decide how to handle it.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from christineni. Show christineni's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

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  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from jasmine09. Show jasmine09's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is.  In an ideal world, significant others would be invited and weddings wouldn't have things like capacity constraints and budgets.  

    This woman is a cousin so she will presumably know lots of people at the wedding.  She won't be isolated or feeling awkward.  I have been to my share of family weddings where my significant other wasn't invited (before we were engaged) even though we were in a serious long-term relationship, and my husband has had the same situation crop up in his family.  It is not the norm in our respective families to invite boyfriends and girlfriends.  It really hasn't held anyone back from having a good time at the weddings.  And it would take something major (severe illness, natural disaster) to keep me from my cousin's wedding.  

    We didn't invite boyfriends/girlfriends to our wedding.  There were a small handful of exceptions made for people who wouldn't know anyone else in attendance if they didn't bring a date.  No one declined because they weren't invited with a date.  (We had very few declines, and everyone who declined was married or under 15.)
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    That does stink. No, you are not obligated to invite  everyone w/ a plus one, but when someone is in a relationship AND they need to travel a significant distance to get to the wedding, I do think people should have the option of bringing their SO.  Esp in this case where it's ONE family member who was singled out b/c she isn't engaged or married. It would not have killed them to extend the extra invitation.  Yes, she'll know people there, but it would have been considerate to invite her SO. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    You can choose to have no boyfriends/girlfriends at a wedding and be correct, and if everyone is in that boat, it's different.  However, when there's just ONE person in that boat, what on earth is the harm?  You're spending thousands on dinner, and one plate more would make everyone so much happier and more comfortable.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from rysmom. Show rysmom's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    Kara and ALF hit it.  This person will be the ONLY single person of all the people they know at the wedding.  They already feel like an outcast.  Kara - having heard through the grapevine what the wedding is costing I think one more plate wouldn't hurt either. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from jasmine09. Show jasmine09's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    I guess the point is that it is usually not "one more plate".  It might feel that way, but  it's unlikely, unless the bride and groom are older and amongst the last of their social/family circle to be married.  For us to +1 every single guest between 18-30 yrs old would have added around 30 guests to our 90 person wedding.  30 more guests wouldn't have even physically fit in our venue.  

    Anyway, if it really is such a big deal, why don't they talk to the bride and groom?  Just ask very gently and politely?  I know people get bent out of shape about this, but there was one case that we overlooked a guest who truly would have been more comfortable with a date.  They asked, we acquiesced, life moved on.  Maybe the question could be gently posed by someone close to the bride and groom--the parent of the cousin could ask his sister/brother, for example.  


     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from rysmom. Show rysmom's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    Jasime, That is what I suggested.  I guess they talked to the groom but I think they should talk to my uncle.  I understand that there needs to be a cut off at some point and friends are being invited solo but they would never know the status of this cousin.  They probably won't even interact with the cousin.  
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    Having been the only single family member over the age of 10 at every family event I have attended for the past 12 years, I can tell you - it's incredibly obnoxious.  Sure, I know people.  Sure, I can talk to them.  But, more often than not, I find myself placed at the kids table talking to people who are making sculptures out of their mashed potatoes.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    If they are the only single one (well not married), how much will it stink when everyone is on the dance floor with their spouse and the cousin is left all alone?  I know that feeling.  It is lonely and it stinks.  I feel bad for your cousin.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    I can see both sides of this, but I have to side with Jasmine.
    If the bride and groom made the decision to not have boyfriends and girlfriends, it's most likely that they were not intentionally giving their cousin the short end of the stick. You have to make the cut somewhere, and you really don't want people to be wondering "Why did she get to bring her boyfriend and I couldn't bring mine?" etc etc etc
    It's a crappy situation for everyone, not just the cousin. A bride and groom have to make difficult decisions when making the guest list, and as Jasmine said it's not as simple as "one more plate". And none of us can make assumptions about budget or what people can afford.
    Etiquette-wise, they didn't do anything wrong.
    If they did it on purpose to make her feel left out, that's a different story, but I highly doubt that's the case. Especially since you point out that they're not close with that particular cousin. They might have not known she had a boyfriend.

    And while I suppose it depends on the family, I would be quite happy to attend a wedding with my parents even though I'm in my late twenties. Lord knows I've had to attend a few funerals with them in the last year or two. It's family, I know I'll know other people there, and it's nice to catch up with family that you don't get to see that often. The whole point of attending a wedding is to see someone you care about get married, not to slow dance with your SO. It's not the prom.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    But based on what the OP said, this is literally one more plate. This is the only family member who is invited solo.

    I completely agree that the bride and groom need to draw a line in the sand somewhere, and inviting friends w/o SOs is perfectly fine.  But where it's literally 1 person [b/c family is always placed in a different category than other guests, so even if there are 12 friend guests w/ BF/GF who are invited solo, I think they are in a different category], I think not extending her the option to bring her BF was pretty lame. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    Indeed, this was not a post on the general idea of drawing guest list lines in the sand.  I agree with those.

    Like ALF said, in this particular case, it's one plate.  And, the cost of that plate is hardly comparable to its worth.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    but perhaps the other side of the family has quite a few "single" cousins, so making an allowance for only one side of the family would harldy seem fair? For instance, all of DH's cousins are older and married whereas mine are all younger and unmarried. If one of DH's cousins was unmarried and we had to let them bring a date but then didn't let any of my cousins bring a date, that would feel unfair to me.
    It's a slippery slope.
    What if the bride or groom invited several close friends as singles who would be hurt to find out some cousin that's not close got to bring her boyfriend?
    it would be worth plenty to let everyone bring a guest, but it's just not financially possible. I understand why the cousin is upset, but etiquette-wise they didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't done to her out of spite, and if it's really so awful to attend alone she can simply decline. What's more important: seeing your cousin get married or dancing with your boyfriend at the wedding? That's her call, if it's the latter she can decline.

    The worth here does not lie simply with the plate of food.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    In Response to Re: Crappy situation vent:
    What if the bride or groom invited several close friends as singles who would be hurt to find out some cousin that's not close got to bring her boyfriend? it would be worth plenty to let everyone bring a guest, but it's just not financially possible. I understand why the cousin is upset, but etiquette-wise they didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't done to her out of spite, and if it's really so awful to attend alone she can simply decline. What's more important: seeing your cousin get married or dancing with your boyfriend at the wedding?
    Posted by pinkkittie27


    Well, if they're really not that close, perhaps seeing her cousin get married isn't that important.  I agree that, etiquette wise, they didn't do anything wrong, but it's still frustrating and annoying.

    Quite honestly, I have declined to attend family functions if my sister's SO wasn't going to be there, because he's the only one whose company I really enjoy.  I'd rather not endure the torture of several hours with people I either don't know or can't stand, simply so I can see my cousin for 30 seconds.

    Then again, my cousin is younger than my nieces, I've met her about three times, and I probably wouldn't go to her wedding, anyway, if I were even invited, which is somewhat doubtful. 

    Like you said, it depends on the family.  I would rather stick hot pokers under my fingernails than attend any event with my parents.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    No, that was my point, the worth is the comfort and happiness of more than just the cousin.

    I suppose there could be many justifiable reasons why this B&G did what they did, but with the info we have it seems just plain unfortunate.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from rysmom. Show rysmom's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    I agree Kara.  There has to be some reason.  I don't know what it is.  Especially when I have heard the cost is in the 75K ballpark.  Of course you have to cut somewhere.  I think it is bothering me because I know this cousin is so hurt.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    75k, and they say we're in a recession!  Yes, a wedding of any cost needs a cut-off, but really, 10 extra plates at $150 each is $1500.  That's 2% of the total budget.  One plate at that cost is, obviously, a mere 0.2% of what they are spending.  I know, who am I to say when 0.2% is just too much, but 2/10ths of one percent?
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from joyadams. Show joyadams's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    Dear rysmom: 

    The bottom line is that it is up to the bride and groom. I don't think it's fair to judge them for their decision. They had their reasons, no matter what that reason was. It's "their party."

    I don't mean to sound cold, but in life someone ALWAYS gets hurt even if the hurt is not justified. Alas, it's not a perfect world!!

    Why not tell your cousin how much you look forward to having him/her attend the wedding, to not take things the "wrong" way, and perhaps find a ride with another family member?

    And, most importantly, just be happy for the future bride and groom. Don't let this situation create negative energy!! We have enough of that in this world of ours.


    Enjoy the celebration. (And, I do understand your side. You have a good heart:)

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    well put, joy.

    There's no way the bride and groom did it with the intention of making the cousin feel left out and hurt. But, if she really cannot bear going alone she should just decline.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    I probably wouldn't go if I were the cousin. Then again, my family is a vile, cruel coven of blood-sucking vultures and I moved to a different state partly to get away from them. 

    What if this cousin gets engaged to her SO before the wedding? Does her stature change, since everyone else engaged or married gets a date? 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from rusgriswold. Show rusgriswold's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    That s*cks, sorry to hear it.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    In Response to Re: Crappy situation vent:
    I probably wouldn't go if I were the cousin. Then again, my family is a vile, cruel coven of blood-sucking vultures and I moved to a different state partly to get away from them. 
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease


    Sometimes, I have to check to be sure we're not the same person. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Crappy situation vent

    I think that OOT guests should always be able to bring a date so the guest will have someone to travel with, stay with.   The B+G needs to remember that they will probably see this guest for a total of 120 seconds.  She should be able to be with her boyfriend for the rest of the time.   

    She's in a relationship, she's not bring the dreaded "random stranger". 

    The B+G has 100% control of who they invite, and we don't know the details, so I'm not judging the B+G.  But it's interesting for those of you who are still working on the guest lists to hear from the guest's perspective. 


     

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