Don't know what to do - long

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from CityGirl07. Show CityGirl07's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I'm really upset and not sure what to do. I am so incredibly frustrated with FI's family. The last straw is that when we started to do table assignments, my mom called his mom and said that they would love if his parents joined them at their table. His mom said NO! She wants to sit with her parents and siblings, who live together down the street from her.

    My mom is incredibly offended and now feels like she's throwing this wedding for his family. They have more people coming (since every single person they invited lives in Mass.) and my mom has bent over backwards to make them feel comfortable. My mom feels like this is a joining of two families and that clearly has not been reciprocated.

    For example his mom threw a shower for me and had assigned seating. She put me, my mom and sister with herself, FIs grandmother, sister and aunt. Well their family all sat at tables with their family and at my table were me, my mom, my sister and my grandmothers.

    I don't know what I'm really asking here, but I'm truly sick over this and feel terrible that my mom feels like she's throwing this wedding for everyone else but her and my dad. I have myself and FI sitting with our siblings but am considering putting us at a sweetheart table and sitting my sisters with my parents.

    What would you do? Any thoughts? I'm just at a loss. Thanks in advance.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from greenclown. Show greenclown's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I'm sorry that you're upset and that your mom is offended.

    While your mom views this as a joining of the families, a lot of people don't. It's a joining of the bride and groom. I'm guessing that's the case with your FMIL.

    I'm not sure there's really anything you need to about it.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from mmpt. Show mmpt's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I agree with greenclown. I have had two weddings and been to a million. i have never seen the parents together at one table. Usually guests are seated by group or side. that said, having been MOG and MOB, i am sorry you and your Mom are upset. In a way, hosting a wedding felt like taking 200 people out to dinner. It is less about the hosts, and more about the bride and groom. When the time for the big day gets close. things have a way of getting blown out of proportion. try to keep focus on the real union of the day, and not let it spoil your happiness. Good luck!
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from SilverFestiva. Show SilverFestiva's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I can sort of relate; my family and guests are mostly in Ohio while FI's family and guests (and the wedding) are here in Mass.

    I think that the best thing you can do is just show your parents appreciation that they deserve--let them know that even though it may not have the same symbolism to everyone, it does to you and that you are truly thankful for all of their support and for the beautiful wedding they are planning.

    The rest is just pety. . .I think as long as they know that YOU know what it is really about, they will eventually get over the shock and offensiveness of finding out that to other people it is just dinner.

    I have an idea...maybe at the RD you could give a speech about the joining of the families, etc. It would mean a lot to your mom and also maybe be a little "cue" to your FMIL.

    Either way, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from June08bride. Show June08bride's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    Why dont you and your FI join your parents at their table?
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from MissWolff. Show MissWolff's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    Hi CityGirl- I'm sorry you are upset. I guess a good thing to keep in mind is that weddings mean different things to different people. While you and your fam might see it as a joining of families your FI's family might see it as just a joining of the two of you.

    If you think about it, chances are your family and FI's family won't realistically be spending a lot of time together in the future. (Esp. if the families are in different locations.) So at the wedding, perhaps birth of your first child, etc.

    Here's a story: My father works for the same company as FI's father has recently retired from. I found out that they were going to be at the same company picnic so FI and I informed them to look for each other. Long story short they ended up meeting and well, it wasn't an instant click of personalities. My father gushed about how great my FI is and how excited he is etc. My FI's dad abruptly ended the conversation with 'See ya around'.

    I was a little disappointed and my dad sensed this. He said 'I think of this as gaining a son, not a new friend'.

    As long as you have a good relationship with FI's immediate family (and vice versa) you are doing better than most.

    Also, don't sweat it too soon. In time the families may warm to each other whereas currently they are all just 'strangers' who naturally gravitate to each other because its what's most comfortable. (the shower situation). Also, all of these events may be a good time for each family to catch up with each other since how often does an entire family get together in this manner? I think a lot of this could just be human nature.

    Don't let this upset you too much since it's truly out of your control :)

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from KAM2007. Show KAM2007's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I sat our families at different tables. DH's parents sat with people they would enjoy talking to, and my parents each sat at their own table (they're divorced)-DH and I were at a sweetheart table.

    This is how I've seen it done at all other weddings I've been to.

    The seating charts are the hardest part.

    If I were your mom I would be offended too and being told that too, everyone has to keep in mind the traditions of other families.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I'm sorry your mom is reacting so negatively. They can only sit one place for dinner, and they have a different vision for the evening than she did. I'm sure they meant no offense and probably envision getting up and socializing with them at the rehearsal, after the reception dinner, etc.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I haven't read any other comments but here's what I think: your mom and his mom have totally different ideas/expectations of what the relationships should be between your family and FI's family.

    Frankly, I've never been to a wedding where the bride and groom's parents sit together at the reception. (nor have I ever been to a shower with assigned seating..) Each set of parents usually has their own table for their closest friends and relatives.

    Your FI's parents have the right to sit with whomever they want to at the reception. Your mom should not take things so personally.

    Maybe they've done other things to tick you or mom off. But for this alone, they've done nothing wrong. In my opinion.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    (I asked myself, what would my wise old Aunt Thelma say and I got this:)

    I suggest you are overthinking the issue. FMIL is a pain. This is just one thing she has said that goes against the original plan. But it's not a big issue in the scheme of things.

    Simply seat your Mother's best friends or honored guests at her table and the issue is solved.

    The main ingredient is more likely the last 10 days thing. Tempers flare, feelings get hurt, emotions run high. And sometimes we 'sweat the small stuff.'

    Seating his family at their own table is really small stuff.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from LilSprout. Show LilSprout's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I agree with Cosmo - I think your mom is definitely taking this too personally. I've also never seen all the parents sit at one table with the bride and groom. The B&G usually sit with a few members of the wedding party (i.e. MOH/BM and dates).

    I think most parents of the bride & groom are seated with their own parents (the grandparents) and other members of the family.
    While it was nice that your mother invited them to their table, she had no right be offended by their answer. It's their child's wedding, too, and a family reunion of sorts for them. You can't invite someone to something and then get upset if they don't respond the way you want them to.

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from bean78. Show bean78's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    the seating chart was the WORST part of planning for us. OUr venues dance floor was at the end of the room and not in the middle so we either had to put one family near the dance floor and the other family at the "back" half or do my fam at table one, his fam at table 2 etc. My MIL wasnt happy with either option so i made the decision for her. I put my fam near the dance floor with both parent tables by the head table. done. world war 3. those details in the 11th hour can get stressfull.

    As far as parents sitting together..i have been to many weddings and at only one did i see the parents sit together. In the case they had a HUGE round table for the whole bridal party plus the parents. OTher than that it has always been seperate and the parents sit with their kids, parents or siblings...etc. I understand the hurt feelings but its probably not meant to be mean or to seperate the fams. Your MIL's experience is prolly to sit with her own family at weddings and as far as the shower seating...she probably wanted your mom and family to sit with each other to be more comfortable. (that said, knowing that my MIL can be the wicked witch of the west's evil stepmother..she may have done other things to add on top of this little thing..so this may be the straw on the camels back)

    Just breathe...you will be married soon enough and all the ugliness will be over...(until you start having kids...HAHA!) email me when that hits ;) i have more stories...!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    Citygirl, I am sorry you and your Mom feel this way. As most of the other posters said, it is not a common thing to sit the parents together at the reception. Normally, each set of parents sit with their honored guests. Like grandparents, guests traveling from abroad or afar and such.
    Somehow I feel, there is more to this. Please try to lighten up and enjoy your wedding. It will pass before you know it.
    Whe our son got married, we sat with the bride's parents at the rehearsal, dinner but not at the wedding. And still, I feel our families has "joined". They live out of state, but have invited us to many of their functions. We spent 4th of July with them and we are going to spend Thanksgiving at their ranch. Due to business, they are not able to travel - so we go there. But I am hoping one day they will be able to come and stay with us. When together, we have the greatest time.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from somethingold. Show somethingold's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    Exception to the rule here - we sat with both our parents and had "rush" seating for everyone else. It was not the be all and end all arrangement. Because we were up and talking to others most of the time that left parents pretty much alone and if you were to sit with just your parents and did the travelling to tables and other stuff we did, they would be sitting there by themselves. I'd opt for a sweet heart table and seat your parents with your siblngs. I think MIL should have gone along, but hey, she wants to be with her family and that's fine too. Some people have a hard time making small talk with people they aren't all that familiar with or close to.
    Good luck and it's not a big deal or an enormous slight, I hope your mother understands that soon.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from dmp2. Show dmp2's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    My parents, DH's parents, and his grandparents (mine were deceased) sat together at a table for 6 and had a lovely time together. So, it has been done.

    Don't stress over this, though. FMIL is probably so unsure of herself that she cannot step away a few feet for a few minutes from her family. Tell Mom not to take it personally. It is FMIL's problem.

    Try to put this behind you and enjoy! All the best!

     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from misslily. Show misslily's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    What would I do? Hand my mother the guest list and ask her who she would like to sit with. Her best friends? Your sisters? Get her table set up, and if you and your fiance then move to a sweetheart table so be it.
    I do think it is unusual for parents to sit together. It happens, but it's not the norm. I think your mom should forget about it.
    I'm sorry she feels she's throwing the wedding for them. But it's something parents have to take into account when they offer to host the wedding. If she wasn't happy about paying for "his side" she should have asked them to contribute from the outset. Besides - she's not throwing the wedding for them - she's throwing it for you.
    As a side note - many people don't see a wedding as a blending of families. My parents and my in-laws have nothing in common. We love both sets of parents, but they are totally different and the less time they spend together the better. :)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    need to see MissLily's response. must bump.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from CityGirl07. Show CityGirl07's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    Thanks everyone. I explained to my mom that I rarely see the parents sitting together and she was suprised. Apparently at weddings she has been to recently the parents have sat together, and I think that the different expections led to hurt feelings. She is happy now with her table and is sitting with good friends who she doesn't get to see often.

    FMIL is very, very set in her ways and it's been a pain in many ways (not just wedding-related). She told my parents she "had to" invite X number of people, the brunch "had to" be at 9am because her parents are up early, and lots of other "had to's" that didn't necessarily fit in with my parents vision OR my vision (and FIs)...and I include budget when I say vision. She's a my-way-or-the-highway type person and that just doesn't work well when we're trying to make sure everyone has a good time, and also that things run on schedule (i.e. she would not budge on what time she gets her hair done that day, even though it was throwing off 6 other people - me, my mom and bridesmaids - so now we all have to go 30 min later).

    Okay, sorry for the rant, I'm just sooo frustrated with so many things. But your point that my mom was taking it too personally is appreciated - it was hard for me to see what when I was so upset that my mom was upset.

    7 days....!!
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from CityGirl07. Show CityGirl07's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    P.S. I've never seen assigned seating at a shower either. It was just weird that FMIL assigned seating but then her family didn't want to sit with us so they just sat with their own family. I was more than happy to sit with my mom, sister and grandmother, but it was odd for us to be sitting alone at this huge table that should've had 5 more people sitting there!
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    Again - can't see the latest posts ---ARGH!!!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    CityGirl - I am happy for you that your seating dilemma has been solved. With he way your FMIL is, I don't understand why your Mom would want to sit with her in the first place.
    I am curious to know, why you all must delay your timing getting your hair done. You could all go at the time that is convenient for you and then have FMIL come in, whenever she feels like it.
    Also, to have brunch at 9:00 am is IMO a bit too early. Many of your guests - maybe yourself included - will stay up late after the reception, and will appreciate a later hour for brunch. 10 or 11am is not uncommon. Ours was at 11am - and believe me - not many guests would have made it earlier.
    If FMIL's parents get up so early, there is something called room service. They can have an early light breakfast and then join you later. If they are not at a hotel, FMIL couild serve them a light breakfast instead - if she is so concerned. Brunch is a combination of breakfast and lunch. Who eats lunch at 9am???
    Good luck with your wedding day and in the future - sounds like you need it - Pingo
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from CityGirl07. Show CityGirl07's posts

    Don't know what to do - long

    I've resigned myself to the later hair and early brunch. I've decided that in the grand scheme of things they are minor, and besides that the wedding day is shaping up to be just what FI and I wanted. We stood our ground with her on other things that we felt were more important. I'm determined not to let her bother me that day because there are too many other happy things going on!
     
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