from love letters

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    from love letters

    I don't usually read this love letters column because I am still trying to understand why they did not ask me (or cosmo or auntbeth or perhaps a combination of us) to be the advice columnist Wink, but I happened to see this yesterday.  I wonder what advice he would have been given here....

    http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/blog/2009/07/not_a_shotgun_wedding.html
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: from love letters

    They are just in the "young love honeymoon stage". They will grow out of it, and realize what they did....
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: from love letters

    Oh man. No one can tell this kid that he's too young for this; unfortunately, he needs to figure it out on his own.

    I don't think there's any *right* age to get married, but stage of life is important. How can you cultivate a marriage if you can't provide for yourselves financially? If you have no place to live other than a college dorm? I know 23-year-olds that are much more mature than some 28-year-olds, but the key is that they can live independently of their parents or other guardians.

    After college, when you're a legal adult and can support yourself and a family, do whatever you want. There's a huge difference between a 21-year-old college senior and a 22-year-old out in the working world.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: from love letters

    I'd have said that the reason it's a societal expectation to wait until you're older than that is that society in general IS older than that and understands, therefore, that people do continue to grow up substantially and, therefore, can change substantially between the milestones of graduation and having a "real" career-type job and truly living 100% on your own (no roommates, no help from mom and dad, etc) for a year or two at least.  It's not a random "rule" that you "have to wait." 

    The fact that you can't see that anything will ever change is the same as a five year old thinking that life will always be like it is in kindergarten.  I'm not saying you're being as immature as a five year old, of course, but our worlds can only seem as big as they've been so far.  A child sees their 5 years on earth the same way you see your 22.  Your and her adulthoods have not really started yet, but, ironically you are too young to realize it.

    You'd be better off to trust that, but we know you won't.  You may continue to mature "into each other" or you might grow up and apart.  Yes, marriage is a gamble either way, but it's a SURE BET that between 22 and 27 your lives will change dramatically as you forge your adult life.  So, that's the difference you asked about regarding getting married now vs. 6 years from now.  The fact that you don't see the ocean of difference is disconcerting at best.

    Best of luck.

    P.S.  It doesn't even matter that he's not around to read any of this; he would just give us every "reason" under the sky as to why we're so wrong and we just don't understand their love.  Oh, well.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: from love letters

    College is a sheltered, protected life.  It has the illusion of being independent and being an "adult", but once you graduate to begin life in the "real world" and it is a tough transition to make.  I have seen it in myself and through watching my friends over the years.  It usually takes a few years after college (or any structured "life", I've seen it with friends when they leave the military as well) to figure out who you are and what you want out of life.  Marrying so young is likely a mistake and truthfully the naiveté is obvious in the letter.  Love is one thing, but when you add the stress of sharing finances (that's a HUGE one) and making sure you both have the same goals and desires out of life, you need to make sure you are compatible.  Of course, my FI and I have been together for MANY years, so maybe we have a different view.  But we know we will be together forever since we've been through many of these challenges already.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: from love letters

    I think it's interesting that he rationalizes that marriage doesn't really change anything, so why wait?
    I think he should be thinking about it the other way around: if marriage doesn't change anything, then why not wait?
    I do think he has found the one, and it's great that he already knows that. most people do meet their spouses while in college. But I think they're enjoying the best part of the relationship right now. why rush it or be in a hurry to stick a new label on it?
    Granted, I was 23 when I got engaged to DH, he was 26. So, I'm not saying anyone's too young.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: from love letters

    My oldest sister was married during her senior year of college, and (seventeen years later), both she and her husband said that the first year of marriage was the most difficult.  For one thing, my parents immediately cut her off, saying "You're married now."  But that wasn't the only thing that made it hard. 

    But, I generally find that people dislike when you give them relationship advice they don't want to hear, so I probably would tell him that what matters is how he feels and how she feels, and if they are emotionally, mentally, and financially ready to take the next step, only they can know if it's the right thing to do.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: from love letters

    Yes, lucy, you're so right.  And if they REALLY want your honest and unfiltered advice, when they hear you say, "Only you can determine what is right for you," instead of "Yeah, you're so right - go for it!" they'll prod you further for what is behind your statement.  Otherwise, and in most cases, they'll hear what they want to hear in your "whatever's good for you" statement.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: from love letters

    I knew that I would marry DH a few months after we started dating; I was a 20-year-old college junior. He was almost 23 and just finishing his 5-year program. There was no way it would happen while one of us was in college, though. You just don't have the resources or enough knowledge about yourself and the world.

    It sounds like he really cares about his girlfriend and I hope it works out. My aunt and uncle got pregnant and then got married at 17. They're still together. I think that's the exception, though; not the rule.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: from love letters

    WPP, I am not even engaged...and on Friday it is my boyfriend and mine's 1 year and 6 month anniversary....so lame that I even know this, I know :) But I knew after about a month that he was the one. But, I am 26 and he is 28, and we still need more time before marriage!

    Also, you didn't go to NEU, did you? I only ask cause you mentioned the 5-year program...
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: from love letters

    1.  Still in the honeymoon phase.  Need to wait at least another year.

    2.  College students don't realize how NOT grown-up they are until they've graduated, got a full time job, and are self-supporting.

    3.  What will they do for money?  Will she work while he's finishing 2 more years?  What if unplanned pregnancy occurs?   What about college loans?  Are parents helping financially now?  Will they continue to?  What if she finds a job out of state?  If he has to transfer to another school, what are consequences?   What's her major?  Any job prospects?

    4.  Finally, go through a list from any "planning to marry" book and answer all the questions about children, religion, money, in-laws, etc. etc. 

    I would advise to at least wait until it's legal to have a glass of champagne at your own wedding!
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: from love letters

    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    1.  Still in the honeymoon phase.  Need to wait at least another year. 2.  College students don't realize how NOT grown-up they are until they've graduated, got a full time job, and are self-supporting. 3.  What will they do for money?  Will she work while he's finishing 2 more years?  What if unplanned pregnancy occurs?   What about college loans?  Are parents helping financially now?  Will they continue to?  What if she finds a job out of state?  If he has to transfer to another school, what are consequences?   What's her major?  Any job prospects? 4.  Finally, go through a list from any "planning to marry" book and answer all the questions about children, religion, money, in-laws, etc. etc.  I would advise to at least wait until it's legal to have a glass of champagne at your own wedding!
    Posted by cosmogirl

    cosmo, I didn't even think of the fact that they can't even legally drink at their own wedding!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: from love letters

    In Response to from love letters:
    I don't usually read this love letters column because I am still trying to understand why they did not ask me (or cosmo or auntbeth or perhaps a combination of us) to be the advice columnist , but I happened to see this yesterday.  I wonder what advice he would have been given here.... http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/blog/2009/07/not_a_shotgun_wedding.html
    Posted by ash



    hee hee hee - no kidding!!
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: from love letters

    College is a tough time to have a relationship, I certainly couldn't keep up with one.  It has nothing to do with love, but just all of the growing and changing and figuring out who you are and what you want.  But everyone is different.

    I don't like her advice - what's the worst that can happen?  You get a divorce, and is that so terrible?  I hate this mentality.  If people took marriage more seriously than thinking oh, if it doesn't work out I can just get a divorce, the divorce rate would be a lot lower.

     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: from love letters

    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    College is a tough time to have a relationship, I certainly couldn't keep up with one.  It has nothing to do with love, but just all of the growing and changing and figuring out who you are and what you want.  But everyone is different. I don't like her advice - what's the worst that can happen?  You get a divorce, and is that so terrible?  I hate this mentality.  If people took marriage more seriously than thinking oh, if it doesn't work out I can just get a divorce, the divorce rate would be a lot lower.
    Posted by dkb6248

    How can she say and is that so terrible about divorce? Well, I would assume it is. You're right dkb, what awful advice.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: from love letters

    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    WPP, I am not even engaged...and on Friday it is my boyfriend and mine's 1 year and 6 month anniversary....so lame that I even know this, I know :) But I knew after about a month that he was the one. But, I am 26 and he is 28, and we still need more time before marriage! Also, you didn't go to NEU, did you? I only ask cause you mentioned the 5-year program...
    Posted by Peonie


    Happy Anniversary! I think being wise enough to wait is a sign that you're more ready than someone who wants to jump into it.

    Nope, didn't go to NEU. We went to different colleges, but in the same upstate NY city. I'm from out there, he's from here.

    I turn 24 in a few weeks and maybe some people think I'm too young to be married. DH is 26. We own a house, though, have been together for 3 1/2 years, and have stable jobs with benefits. I can't imagine having married DH while still in college.

    I am a huge proponent of living together before marriage, though. I think it's less of a risk; you learn how to run a household together, manage finances, work any living together issues, and you never really know someone until you've lived with them. On a side note, DH's aunt said she didn't feel comfortable saying the blessing at our wedding because we live together. We were okay with that, though (MIL was *pis$ed!*).
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: from love letters

    Well, I moved in with my boyfriend in December 08, about 10 months into our relationship, and a lot of people were like "you should wait". But it was right for us. I needed to get out of my apartment for various reasons (living with my friend was just not working anymore), and my boyfriend owns a condo and asked me to move in. My parents seemed ok, and so did his. We have been extremely happy living together, and I think it is perfect for us before we get engaged.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: from love letters

    I knew I was going to marry my husband within months of meeting him...days really...but I was 27.  If I'd met him earlier I'm not even sure I'd have dated him.  I think he was kind of cocky and conceited then.

    The one thing that really struck me about that letter (besides the fact that I still don't understand why he wrote it...if you are so sure of what you are doing, why do you care what strangers think...which makes you wonder if he is as sure as he lets on), was that he really didn't consider is that its not just that its work keeping a marriage together but sometimes love and all that work is still not enough.  Sometimes you change so much that you grow apart and not together. 

    I was really in love with my college boyfriend, too, who I met when I was 19.  We also discussed marriage.  But by the time I graduated, at 22, there was no way we were going to be able to get and stay married.  And we still really loved each other.  We parted on very good terms.  But it was also nothing compared to what I feel for my husband. That just takes love to a whole new level.

    I was surprised, and bothered, by the fact that both Meredith and this letter writer treated divorce so cavalierly.  Getting married is not what you do at the end of a really good date and getting divorced is not like breaking up.  Does he honestly think its that simple??
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: from love letters

    Well you don't want to convince people that divorce is the worst thing ever so they'd better stick around in their miserable marriage.
    I don't think she was so much belittling divorce or marriage as she was putting it in perspective. It's not like if you get married at 22, or any age, and if you realize it was a mistake you're stuck with it for life. If things were that way it would be terrible.


    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    I don't like her advice - what's the worst that can happen?  You get a divorce, and is that so terrible?  I hate this mentality.  If people took marriage more seriously than thinking oh, if it doesn't work out I can just get a divorce, the divorce rate would be a lot lower.
    Posted by dkb6248

     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: from love letters

    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    In Response to Re: from love letters : Happy Anniversary! I think being wise enough to wait is a sign that you're more ready than someone who wants to jump into it.
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease


    Hmmm... so when I told my SO that he is worth waiting for, that was wise?  Because I sometimes worry that it was stupid and that he is going to take me literally and not propose for another 10 years...
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

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    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    In Response to Re: from love letters : Hmmm... so when I told my SO that he is worth waiting for, that was wise?  Because I sometimes worry that it was stupid and that he is going to take me literally and not propose for another 10 years...
    Posted by lucy7368


    Ohh man, I have no idea! Do you ever talk about it? For me, that would be too long, but for some women it's not long enough.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

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    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    In Response to Re: from love letters : Ohh man, I have no idea! Do you ever talk about it? For me, that would be too long, but for some women it's not long enough.
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease


    Well, I said I would wait as long as I needed to, but I heavily implied that he has about a year to get it together and "as long as necessary" was just so he wouldn't feel the pressure.

    ETA:  And, in that vein, it's something that I am going to make every effort not to bring up until after I meet his parents, who live way out of state.  Because I doubt there would be a proposal before then, anyway.  I'll be meeting them in a few months.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: from love letters

    Lucy, I think it all depends. I highly doubt your SO will wait 10 years. See, for me, I love my SO so much and want to be his wife one day for many reasons. But, I also just want to be with him forever. I am just so happy being with him, being his other half, his partner. But of course, I don't want to wait around forever for a proposal, either.

    I think it all depends on the situation. I find that the more you 'pressure' them, then the more it is not going to happen. They want to propose on their own time, because it is a very special thing for them to do. Also, I know my SO wants to be 100% finacially ready for it. Maybe we will have engagement stories sooner than later! :) You never know....
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: from love letters

    In Response to Re: from love letters:
    Lucy, I think it all depends. I highly doubt your SO will wait 10 years. See, for me, I love my SO so much and want to be his wife one day for many reasons. But, I also just want to be with him forever. I am just so happy being with him, being his other half, his partner. But of course, I don't want to wait around forever for a proposal, either. I think it all depends on the situation. I find that the more you 'pressure' them, then the more it is not going to happen. They want to propose on their own time, because it is a very special thing for them to do. Also, I know my SO wants to be 100% finacially ready for it. Maybe we will have engagement stories sooner than later! :) You never know....
    Posted by Peonie


    He's a Taurus.  If I push him, it'll never happen.  But also, I have to remember that he's a lot younger than me, and men don't have biological clocks.  I'm waiting.  As far as he knows, I'm being patient.

    If you guys know something else, well.... Innocent
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: from love letters

    Lucy, my SO thinks I'm the most patient person ever...little does he know, I am on these boards!!! LOL :)

     
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