Future In-Law Worries

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Future In-Law Worries

    Does anyone else have these?  Why is everything all roses and sunshine.  Then, once wedding planning starts, all hell breaks loose.  What should I expect after the wedding if I'm worrying from now? 

    I think I'm just panicking now...
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Things usually go back to normal after the wedding, don't worry.
    Just take notes and prepare yourself for the craziness that ensues if/when you're pregnant.
    Now's the time to gently set boundaries that will be useful in the future.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Wait, I just deleted my first post because I'm confused.  You say everything is great now, but then you say all hell has broken loose during planning.  I know you've had trouble...

    Essentially, to see how things will be after the wedding, examine how your in-laws were before you got engaged.  If they are controlling in general outside of the wedding stuff they'll be controlling after the wedding, too.  If the wedding, however, caused strife that isn't always there and they are otherwise normal, well-adjusted human beings, they'll be that way again.

    Also, if your fiance has siblings who are married, look at how they interact with those families.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Goodness, I went through the same exact thing, especially with my MIL.  DH and SIL always told me she was nuts, but I couldn't see it.  I just always felt we had a great relationship and I could see nothing but good in her.

    Then wedding planning started, and she got so invasive and so pushy with certain things that I thought I was going to lose my mind.  It was almost to a point where it seemed like she was trying to be the MOB...wanting to get nails done with me the day before, hair done with me the day of, etc.  And the fact that she was constantly calling me "Mrs. John Doe" made me want to vomit.

    But you know what?  As soon as our ceremony was over on Friday, that all went away.  I just didn't care anymore.  She called me "Mrs. John Doe" about 30 times that night and brought up grandchildren at least 4 times, and none of it even phased me.  I think we all just get so anxious, worked up, and stressed during wedding planning that things bother us when they normally wouldn't.

    Hopefully it goes the same way for you, and once the planning is over things will go back to normal.  Just be strong for the next couple months!  :)

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I'm very respectful of my futher in-law's, and I do love them.  There are certain things that I'm worried about.  My FMIL and I talk on the phone, and e-mail.  I try not to do it too much, but when I do, I try and stay on the phone with her and I write her long e-mails. 

    I have been trying to build the boundaries, though.  Making sure that my future husband and I don't include our parents in our life's decisions, etc.  Plus, making sure that neither side (mine or his) interferes. 

    I think it's coming down to the wire, and it's been quiet for a while.  I'm waiting for something to blow up!!! 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Lower your expecations on how long it will take or easy it "should" be to create a calm, easy relationship with these new family members, and you'll be much happier. Let it evolve and let the chips fall where they may along the way.  There will be disagreements, but if they are handled well, as you always do, they will only serve to further strengthen the overall relationships.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Something that really hurts, is that she keeps telling my fiance, "Yes, she's the one".  Um, we've been together for 6 years now, I sure hope so!!  Another thing, which I don't think my fiance should've told me was what she said a couple weeks ago.  "I never thought you would ever get married.  It's just not your type".

    Ouch. 

    I do know, on some level, my FMIL hasn't had the greatest, easiest life.  I know she always wanted to travel and do things that she was never able to (do to her own marriage).  Okay, I'm sorry, but people make their choices.  Now, she's trying to live vicariously through her son (my fiance), and it's tough.  "Enjoy your wonderful weekends and lives".  That goes without saying.  I'm sorry, in my head, nothing will be THAT different after marriage.  We live together.  
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I'm scared, I think.  I know what my FSIL has gone through, and she her husband have been married for almost 10 years :(
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    You're taking her comments too personally and reading way too much into them.  None of us likes to be told that when we feel justified in feeling hurt, but Goodness, it's true.  Either understand where she's coming from and stop letting those "off" comments get to you, or keep being hurt by a woman who doesn't know how to relate to you or anyone else any better than she does.  Either way, she won't change.  You may as well accept that she's deficient in this area and be happy with the best she can do...which is what she's doing.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    It's hard when my own fiance tells me that I'm not reaching out to her enough.  I'm not???  I call and e-mail.  What am I to do if she doesn't reply??  I'm trying!!  I want a good relationship with her, but what else can I do?

    You're right, kar.  I can't take her comments personally.  Those are her own insecurities.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from jdd01. Show jdd01's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I had no issues what so ever with my future in-laws before the wedding planning.  As soon as we started, we hit the first major pot hole that nearly broke the suspension type of situation (issues with the venue), but a few weeks later we are back on track and everyone has happily moved on.  Its unrealistic for me to think that everything will be smooth sailing from now on, but at least we now have a better idea about how to handle a future disagreement.  We may not all see eye to eye all the time, but we all have hopefully learned from our past mistakes.  I think it also helps when the future in laws start to recognize that you and your FI are one unit and your own family. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I would say, look on the bright side. Her actions are motivated by good intentions. At least she's not one of those MIL who's constantly undermining you and picking at your flaws and letting you know "I don't think you're good enough."
    She's trying to be loving, but doing it in kind of a haphazard way. I think the "not his type" comment was meant to be good. She might have hated his other type, or knew they weren't good for him. It's only trouble if she says things like "I liked your ex so-and-so, whatever happened to her?"
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Ha, you're right, Pink. 

    My thinking is "some things are better left unsaid".  I just wish he hadn't told me.  My feelings toward her were always good, loving feelings.  Now, they're scared, and worried feelings.  I feel like I'm on egg-shells.  Being told to reach out, do this, do that, be yourself.  I am doing all those things!!  What's the deal?
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    In Response to Re: Future In-Law Worries:
    [QUOTE]It's hard when my own fiance tells me that I'm not reaching out to her enough.  I'm not???  I call and e-mail.  What am I to do if she doesn't reply??  I'm trying!!  I want a good relationship with her, but what else can I do? You're right, kar.  I can't take her comments personally.  Those are her own insecurities.
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    Tell him it's his perrogative to be upset with your level of reaching out, but you are doing the best you can with the relationship right now and cannot change it yet.  Assure him that as the relationship grows and you become more comfortable you will be able to give more at a level he expects and hopes for.

    You both need to internalize, not just "know", that she has massive problems that she projects on others.  Knowing is not enough to not let it bother you.  You have to really accept it.  Say it out loud to yourself every time you feel it in the pit of your stomach: "I am irrationally taking her insecurities personally and it is dragging me down and damaging my life.  There's no need for that and I won't do it."

    P.S.  Saying it aloud will hasten the internalization process.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Everything you all said makes me feel so much better.  I literally just took a deep breath, and realized... "maybe I need to start doing this".  HA!  That's all so much better now. 

    Next time my fiance tells me to reach out, I will say that you said, Kar.

    Next time I feel that her actions are a bit off, I'll think they're probably for good reasons. 

    I need to start letting things roll off my back, and realize that I'm doing the best I can.  I've always been taught to be respectful, and I always have been.  I don't blurt out bad feelings.  I'm not a rude person, whatsoever.  That is certainly NOT my type. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Better to have a DH that overshares than one who doesn't share at all. I think you should have a heart-to-heart with him. Tell him that you genuinely like your MIL and that you're doing what feels right and natural in fostering a relationship with her. Let him know you're glad that he has an active interest in your relationship with her, because it shows how much he cares, but that you feel a little pressured, and that's making it difficult for you to act naturally about it. I think he'll understand.

    *ETA: whoops, kar beat me to the punch! at any rate- good luck!

    In Response to Re: Future In-Law Worries:
    [QUOTE]Ha, you're right, Pink.  My thinking is "some things are better left unsaid".  I just wish he hadn't told me.  My feelings toward her were always good, loving feelings.  Now, they're scared, and worried feelings.  I feel like I'm on egg-shells.  Being told to reach out, do this, do that, be yourself.  I am doing all those things!!  What's the deal?
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I am blessed with wonderful inlaws and have had no issue with them, but I have issues with my mom that I can relate to your feelings.

    When we were engaged, I caught wind of some negative things she said about DH (which I wish people hadn't told me) that really hurt me.  I never told him, because I knew when she spent more time with him and had more conversations that didn't involve discussing politics that would change.  Sure enough, now that we're married he is her wonderful son in law who can do no wrong.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    You both read my mind, but I couldn't verbalize it to him.  I have always felt so tongue tied about what to say about his mother in fear that he might "think" I don't like her or something.  Which is further from the truth.  Yes, she and I have had our weird hardships after he and I got engaged.  It got really weird there for a while with her thinking I was "taking her son away from her".  That part, was out of my hands.  It was for him to deal with as it's his mother. 

    Going forward, I will tell him to just let me be myself, let me build the relationship with her the best way I see fit.  When it comes down to it, I want a good relationship with my in-laws.  He needs to just back off sometimes, and let things happen naturally.

    Thanks, pink.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    In Response to Re: Future In-Law Worries:
    [QUOTE]Everything you all said makes me feel so much better.  I literally just took a deep breath, and realized... "maybe I need to start doing this".  HA!  That's all so much better now.  Next time my fiance tells me to reach out, I will say that you said, Kar. Next time I feel that her actions are a bit off, I'll think they're probably for good reasons.  I need to start letting things roll off my back, and realize that I'm doing the best I can.  I've always been taught to be respectful, and I always have been.  I don't blurt out bad feelings.  I'm not a rude person, whatsoever.  That is certainly NOT my type. 
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]

    Being respectfully assertive is NOT rude.  We oftentimes confuse the two at the expense of assertiveness.  You have every right to have the best you do right now can be acceptable at this time.

    They only will roll off your back when you lower the defenses that everything she says is getting caught on.  You see what she says as being "hurtful things" by assigning meaning she doesn't intend to her statements that, as pinkie wisely pointed out, are likely to be well-intentioned but misguided in execution.  You are being hurtful to yourself by imagining what she says as being attacks.  It's like those tire poppers at car rental companies.  Lower the lever, bring down the invisible spikes on your back, and let things roll right down without rendering your emotional vehicle undrivable.

    Simply saying that you won't let it bother you anymore is not a reasonable expectation.  You'll have to accept that you are causing your own hurt and then stop doing that for it to not bother you anymore.

    Best to you, Goodness.  You're a good woman.  And, guess how I'm so well versed in all this...practice makes perfect.  I didn't always know, and I've popped my fair share of my own tires on my back.

    P.S.  Actually, practices doesn't make perfect, but it does allow me to verbalize what I should do every time this situation arises. :)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I think it's all easier said than done.  I don't think that it's going to be easy.  I am putting unecessary expectations on myself to assume that I'll be able to handle whatever comes to me from them or my fiance.  I don't think I can do that.  You're right, kar, that's not a reasonable expectation.  I think it's my feeling of just wanting it to get better so much, that I'm willing to bite the bullet and move on whenever I'm feeling hurt.  My feelings shouldn't be ignored as I'm not an unreasonable person.  I'm not an irrational person.  If I'm hurt, it's for a reason.  But, I shouldn't expect things to just be good overnight. 

    I'm just going to do my best.  Hope she means well.  And, move on.  Realizing that I'm marrying a wonderful man who is hopeful that I have a great relationship with his mother (as his sister-in-law doesn't), and might be forcing it a bit more than he realizes.  I think he just wants it so bad, he just wants me to be the daughter she never had, that it makes it really tough on me.  When I'm feeling the push-back of I'm not doing enough, makes me react in a way that's not my persona.  Of course, I am.  Don't tell me something that isn't true.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I can only help because I relate so well to how you feel.  Things never stay the same, though, and everyone will adjust.  Be patient with yourself. :)
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    You know, I guess I really, truly thought that we would be the opposite of what everyone always would say about their in-laws.  When I heard the negativity and venting from other brides/grooms, I never really thought I'd be in their shoes one day because of the type of relationship she and I had prior. 

    We will all adjust, though. 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Goodness, your FMIL is lucky to have you as a FDIL. You want people to be happy, get along, and you're putting so much effort into cultivating a good relationship with your ILs.

    Weddings make people crazy. Everyone seems to take a collective breath after the wedding and settle into normal life. Your FMIL may be excited and nervous, and unsure of how to go about being an MOG. Just continue being yourself and have a pow wow with your FI about how to handle parent interactions during your marriage. It's probably a good conversation to have anyway; like you said before, you don't want them to make decisions about your marriage, so having a general discussion with your FI about in-laws can lead into a candid conversation about his mom. If you go from general to specific, he may feel better about the conversation too. Good luck with everything!
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    I'm sure you'll work it out.  You're very close to you wedding, and from my experience all the emotional/family stuff started up about 2 months before the wedding. 

    Thank God you posted this thread on a hobart/dougas free day.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from booklover. Show booklover's posts

    Re: Future In-Law Worries

    Goodness, I don't know you at all, but just from reading your posts, I wonder if your fiance is projecting his own insecurities onto you regarding how he interacts with his mom?  For example - maybe he secretly feels he does not call her enough, but if his fiancee does the calling FOR him, then he's off the hook.

    Just a thought.  You sound like a caring and sensitive person and I'm sure you will find your way to a great relationship with your in-laws.  It took me a few years but I now cherish my relationship with my husband's sister and her family, and am all the more enriched by it.
     

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