Gift question

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from dev70. Show dev70's posts

    Gift question

    Hi - been reading the forums for a while now but never posted!

    I received a shower invite for the daughter of one of my mom's friends - I barely know this girl at all and do not plan on attending the shower (I can barely stand wedding showers of people I DO know!). 

    Here is the bottom-line question, which may sound petty, but... what is my obligation in the gift department?  Also, I'm guessing I'll get a wedding invite if I got a shower invite (no idea why they are inviting me), again - does etiquette state that I send a gift?

    thanks!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from springandsummer. Show springandsummer's posts

    Re: Gift question

    No.  You didn't attend the shower so you are not obligated to send a gift.  I would wait for the wedding invite before you assume you are invited - those should have come out before the shower invites.  I was just invited to only the shower and not the wedding, and I am offended to say the least.  Luckily for me I was RSVPing no because of a work commitment and asked when the wedding was and I told the MOB I was looking forward to it.  THAT's when I found out I didn't make the cut.

    She sounded embarassed, and she should have.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Nope, you're off the hook for gifts entirely.  Be sure to send your RSVPs, though, to decline.  (Some people invited to ours thought if you aren't coming you don't need to send it back.)

    Etiquette dictates that you are correct to assume you'll be invited to the wedding simply because you have been invited to the shower, 100%.  However, not everyone knows this so despite it being correct, I'd second waiting until you get an invitation to know for sure.  And, if you don't want to attend that, either, send your regets.  No gift!

    P.S.  By the way, wedding invitations are not necessarily sent before shower invitations.  Wedding invitations are sent 8 weeks before the wedding.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Some people would send gifts anyway, but if I didn't feel the need to go I wouldn't feel the need to send a gift either.
    If, however, it was a close friend/family member and I simply couldn't make it to the shower or wedding, I'd still send a gift.

    I didn't send out wedding invitations until 3 weeks after my shower.  And actually I sent my wedding invitations earlier than the norm, so you definitely can't count on knowing whether or not you are invited to the wedding.  (Of course you always should be!!)
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Gift question

    The people who usually send gifts anyway are those who actually do WANT to attend, love the couple, etc., but for some reason are not ABLE to attend.  People who just don't want to go because they barely know the couple, dare I say, never send gifts with their regrets.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Gift question

    kar- you said it best.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from dev70. Show dev70's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Thanks everyone!  this is all very helpful.  Who knows - I may decide to go to the wedding (if I am invited)... it's weird, I've never sent regrets to a wedding before!
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Summer2010. Show Summer2010's posts

    Re: Gift question

    I agree with the others in that you are not obligated to send a gift.  I usually do because I would have liked to be at the shower but for whatever reason cannot attend.  I do the same for weddings that I cannot attend.

    With that said, I would not send a gift to a wedding/shower where I kind of wondered why I was invited in the first place.  My FI and I were invited to...get ready for this mouthful....my FI's cousin's, wife's, sister's wedding which was taking place in Philadelphia.  Needless to say we were like why in the world are we invited and we definitely are not going all the way to Philly for it!!  We didn't send a present either. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Gift question

    In Response to Re: Gift question:
    Thanks everyone!  this is all very helpful.  Who knows - I may decide to go to the wedding (if I am invited)... it's weird, I've never sent regrets to a wedding before!
    Posted by dev70


    I hope you won't go to the wedding just because you are uncomfortable checking the "no" box.  An invitation is not a demand to attend, and every single invitee is free to decline.   In fact, people assume that a certain percentage of people WILL decline, and sometimes they even bank on it to the point where they can't physically accomodate everyone if no one declines.  It's not the smartest practice IMO, but people do it.  So, if you decline it's perfectly OK.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Gift question

    I agree with the advice that you definitely do not need to send a gift. However, the same type of invitation is somewhat common in my family's circle and if it were me, I would attend the wedding. It is probably the bride's parents that are doing the inviting and not necessarily the bride. Was your mom invited to the shower as well?

    A little OT and I apologize. I was invited to a baby shower but can't attend. I was planning to meet up and give the gift in person before the shower but I don't think it's going to be possible. Should I send it to the couple's house or to the location where the shower is being held? I checked with the host and she said either option is fine. Maybe this is common knowledge but I haven't encountered it before.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Cici:  if I could give the baby shower gift to someone I trust who was attending the shower, I would do that.  That way the mother-to-be could open it along with the rest of the presents and know you wnated to be there.  But if not, I'd probably send it to their house.  If you send it to the shower venue (but not with a guest) I'd be worried they might forget to open it and then it might get lost in the shuffle.  So to make sure she receives it, I'd rather ship it to her house in that case.

    ETA:  oh, and I was invited to a destination wedding in Hawaii for a former colleague I barely knew.  I was so confused when I got the invite.  Definitely did not attend (we couldn't afford to travel to Hawaii at all, let alone at peak vacation season).  It did not even occur to me to send a gift.  I found out later that a lot of people would have sent a gift and I felt a little bad, but if I barely know you, I don't feel I have to spend $100 on a gift for you just because you mailed me an invite.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Gift question

    I'd send it to the couple's house. you don't want it being mis-placed by the venue, or it getting there too early or too late.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from cicirose. Show cicirose's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Oops, I was not clear - the shower is being held at her mother's house, not at a random venue. Good idea to see if someone else to bring it, thanks!

    Trex, in my younger days I also didn't realize that I should/could have sent a wedding gift even though I didn't attend. Hopefully we were forgiven for our oversights!

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Gift question

    cici- I also had no idea that people sent gifts to weddings they couldn't attend, imagine my surprise when a relative RSVP'd no to my wedding and then sent a gift! I almost called them because I thought maybe they filled the RSVP card wrong! :) 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Another tangent - Recently attended a baby shower.  Some friends and I chipped in and got a high chair and some other stuff, which was all shipped to the couple's house.  I was kind of disappointed because they opened it up right away, so at the shower it looked like we hadn't given any gifts.  I guess it wouldn't have made sense to lug it all to the shower venue and then home again.  What do you ladies think?
    For my wedding shower, the gifts were shipped to my mother's house and she brought them to the shower for me to open.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from June08bride. Show June08bride's posts

    Re: Gift question

    In Response to Re: Gift question:
    Another tangent - Recently attended a baby shower.  Some friends and I chipped in and got a high chair and some other stuff, which was all shipped to the couple's house.  I was kind of disappointed because they opened it up right away, so at the shower it looked like we hadn't given any gifts.  I guess it wouldn't have made sense to lug it all to the shower venue and then home again.  What do you ladies think? For my wedding shower, the gifts were shipped to my mother's house and she brought them to the shower for me to open.
    Posted by framerican51008


    If this item was shipped to the receivers house, I wouldnt expect her or anyone else to take it to a venue just to show it off.  She is pregnant and a baby shower is over-whelming enough and truthfully Im sure noone sat there and thought wow Fra is cheap, she didnt get her anything.  It was nice your mother brought your shower gifts to you at your shower, but any gifts I ever recieved in the mail where left at home and a thank you note followed.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Thanks June,  Hope it didn't sound like I was saying "OMG my pregnant friend is so horrible!"  I definitely didn't expect her to lug the stuff to the shower, but it seems like there is a solution somewhere... I'm thinking the solution is that I should have ordered the stuff myself and chosen to have it sent to my house ;o)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Hey Fram:  The other thing you could have done was give her a card at the shower that included a photo of the high chair.  That way she could open it and thank you for it at the shower.  When my FSIL got married, she had a shower in her hometown but she lived in DC.  So she asked gifts be shipped to her home, and then opened lots of photos of presents!  It was kind of weird, but worked!  Saved her from having to arrange to get all the gifts home.

    I totally know what you mean about the situation though.  At a gift giving event, it feels weird if you think other people think you didn't give a present.  Silly as it is... :)
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: Gift question

    In Response to Re: Gift question:
    I agree with the advice that you definitely do not need to send a gift. However, the same type of invitation is somewhat common in my family's circle and if it were me, I would attend the wedding. It is probably the bride's parents that are doing the inviting and not necessarily the bride. Was your mom invited to the shower as well? A little OT and I apologize. I was invited to a baby shower but can't attend. I was planning to meet up and give the gift in person before the shower but I don't think it's going to be possible. Should I send it to the couple's house or to the location where the shower is being held? I checked with the host and she said either option is fine. Maybe this is common knowledge but I haven't encountered it before.
    Posted by cicirose


    If you want the gift opened during the shower, send it to the host's home.  If you simply want to give the gift, it is easier for everyone if you send it to the Mother's home.  (Be sure the shower is not a surprise!)
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Gift question

      Actually, even the pretty traditional etiquette as espoused by Miss manners, Dear Abby, Letticia Baldwin - who say send a gift if you decline -  all have a reference to - "unless you receive an invite that should never have been sent."

        Examples in this are usually - people you barely know,  those you have not entertained or who have not invited you to their home or function for 2-3 or more years, or exchanged gifts with on other occasions in the last few years.

       The idea is that social invitations and gifts are a reciprocal thing.  One does not send invitations to 100 close friends and family,  then 100 near strangers or acquaintances of friends and family,  and expect gifts from any of the last group when they, of course, politely decline.

    Current Peggy Post: Q : Is There Ever a Time When You Needn't Send a Gift?
    A :"If you receive a wedding invitation from a couple with whom you are barely acquainted, or have not spoken to or been in touch with for many years, a wedding present is not mandatory in spite of traditional etiquette."

      http://weddings.weddingchannel.com/wedding-planning-ideas/wedding-etiquette/qa/is-there-ever-a-time-when-you-neednt-send-a-wedding-gift.aspx


    So any past times you have felt guilty of not following etiquette, you should realize there was no mistake on your part.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Gift question

    Thanks, Whatawag!  That actually makes me feel better.  :)
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Gift question

    dev, is your mom single?  Maybe they are inviting you so your mom will have someone to go to the wedding with?  Just guessing. 




     

     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from dev70. Show dev70's posts

    Re: Gift question

    I feel like I came off as a selfish witch who does not want to send a gift to a lovely couple getting married who graciously invited me to their wedding (although I haven't received the wedding invite yet...), LOL!  Hopefully you all know I just meant to ask what is the etiquette...

    Cosmogirl - Good thought!  But no, my mom has a partner and I am married. :)
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Gift question

    It is not selfish to inquire as to whether you are bound by etiquette to give a gift.  Nor is it selfish to refrain from giving a gift if you are within social guidelines to not send one, which is the case here.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Gift question

    I agree with Kar.  I also don't think it's selfish not to want to send a gift to people you barely know, no matter what your reasons... especially in a situation where the invite makes me wonder if it was just fishing for gifts.
     
Sections
Shortcuts

Share