Guests having marital problems

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from redflatshoe. Show redflatshoe's posts

    Guests having marital problems

    I just got married and during the wedding day activities, my cousin and husband (international guests) were clearly not happy/kind/rude to eachother. 

    After the rehearsal, the husband insisted he needed access to the internet at exact times for his work related stuff.  Then the couple kept on arguing and yelling at the kids.

    During the wedding, same thing. One of their kids threw a tantrum, grabbed a plate and tossed it on the floor to stop the parents from fighting.  One of the kids hung out at the bride/grooms table just to get away.

    The day after, the husband had an argument with my parents.  Also almost made my parents cancel the brunch because he wants to be driven around because he wants to buy electronics before his flight.

    My cousin just kept on apologizing for her husband's behavior - but very passive on addressing the kids tantrums or talking to her husband.  Then she herself left the kids behind with my parents to go out without telling her husband.  So my parents were put in a spot again.

    My husband thinks they are pretty immature for a couple of 45-year olds.

    I'm not bitter about the whole thing but I do feel sorry for them.  They are clearly not happy.  I didn't argue with them or call them out on their behavior - not even a "shush" when the kid threw the plate. 

    However, I wonder of the whole wedding events caused their fighting.  Sometimes you don't know when you unintentionally offended people at these events.  I would like to write a letter of apology if we caused them stress. 

    How do I word it without sounding like a know-it-all c**t?

    Also, what kind of thank you gift should I give my parents for putting up with that craziness?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    honestly, I would not write to them unless you're close. No matter how you word it, it's going to seem strange for you to be apologizing to them because your wedding might have stressed them out. No matter how stressful it ws, it really doesn't excuse their behavior.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from oldchild. Show oldchild's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    Promise your parents that you will both be hands-on parents of your children. Promise your parents that your chiildren will learn that "NO" is a word that adults use kindly but firmly to children to set limits.  That will matter more to them in the long run than any gift of goods that even such a jerk as this male guest could buy.

    And if you're up to it, maybe your husband can help draft a sarcastic thank-you letter to be used ONLY if there was a gift to send a thank-you for...like, "we're so sorry that we imposed on your precious career to force you to attend a rehearsal dinner at gunpoint" or similar.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    redflatshoe...the behavior of your cousin, her husband and child is NOT your fault.  they're obviously having issues.  there is no need for you to apologize.   your husband is right...they are immature for their age..they should know how to act at this stage of life...

    i also like oldchild's idea of drafting a sarcastic thank you note...  
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems



    Sure, write a sarcastic thank you note -- but don't send it, for goodness sake.  Take the high road and you'll never have a regret. 

    Your cousin's husband acted extremely immaturely.  There's no need to apologize to him and no need to sink to his level.  Your cousin must be in a very tough place right now -- and her children as well!  Just imagine what the stress level must be in that household to drive a child to throw a plate!  (Note that you said he threw it because he couldn't take his parents' arguing anymore, not because he was trying to be unpleasant to everyone else.)  I don't think apologizing to them is going to help your cousin one iota -- it's bound to be misinterpreted by her boorish husband and that is going to bounce back onto her in an unpleasant way.

    Perhaps some time in the future you could suggest your cousin come for a visit with her kids and without her husband -- afterall, he is very busy with work.  It sounds like she could really use a break and some perspective away from her DH.  I bet you'd have a whole different impression of her kids when they are not in the middle of their parents' marital maelstrom.  (I feel so badly for them!)

    Your heart is in the right place, redflatshoe.  Congratulations on your marriage and my best wishes for a wonderful and happy life together!


     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]I just got married and during the wedding day activities, my cousin and husband (international guests) were clearly not happy/kind/rude to eachother.  After the rehearsal, the husband insisted he needed access to the internet at exact times for his work related stuff.  Then the couple kept on arguing and yelling at the kids. During the wedding, same thing. One of their kids threw a tantrum, grabbed a plate and tossed it on the floor to stop the parents from fighting.  One of the kids hung out at the bride/grooms table just to get away. The day after, the husband had an argument with my parents.  Also almost made my parents cancel the brunch because he wants to be driven around because he wants to buy electronics before his flight. My cousin just kept on apologizing for her husband's behavior - but very passive on addressing the kids tantrums or talking to her husband.  Then she herself left the kids behind with my parents to go out without telling her husband.  So my parents were put in a spot again. My husband thinks they are pretty immature for a couple of 45-year olds. I'm not bitter about the whole thing but I do feel sorry for them.  They are clearly not happy.  I didn't argue with them or call them out on their behavior - not even a "shush" when the kid threw the plate.  However, I wonder of the whole wedding events caused their fighting.  I would like to write a letter of apology if we caused them stress.  How do I word it without sounding like a know-it-all c**t? Also, what kind of thank you gift should I give my parents for putting up with that craziness?
    Posted by redflatshoe[/QUOTE]

    If it was really that crucial that he have access to work related information, his employer would have provided him w/ a blackberry that he could use to get online. Otherwise, he could have, oh, I don't know, purchased an iPhone or some other device so he could have taken care of his own personal business w/o involving others in it. That's what adults w/ real job responsibilites do.

    I would say nothing to them. Send then a normal thank you note for whatever gift they got you, but don't mention their behavior.  Give your parents a GC to their favorite restaurant so they can have a nice relaxing evening out.  Otherwise, a very nice bottle of wine w/ a note about needing to unwind is a good alternative. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    I'm not sure what your real question is.  The one you asked is nonsensical because you can't possibly believe that the day before your rehearsal dinner they had well behaved kids and a solid, happy marriage.

    So, what was your real question?
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    If you apologize for their poor behavior, you will be really sending them the message that it is ok for them to act this way. The only apology should be coming from them.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    I guess, like Kar, I'm confused about the question. Of course your wedding didn't create their personalities, so I wouldn't say anything to them...probably for a very long time because they embarrass themselves by behaving like children.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from koala. Show koala's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    The husband sounds bipolar.  Maybe he's abusive.  At the very least, they are having marital problems and you should stay out of it, other than to provide moral support to your cousin, and only if you're already close.  Everyone else at your wedding observed this behavior, too, and hopefully those who are close to her will reach out and make sure she's OK.  This is not about you or your wedding.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    Who would think anything like this was about her or her wedding?  I'm still confused by this and think there must be something behind the OP besides the question she asked.  Is there something else the OP wants to ask?
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]Who would think anything like this was about her or her wedding?  I'm still confused by this and think there must be something behind the OP besides the question she asked.  Is there something else the OP wants to ask?
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I can't imagine any adult really thinking that.  The whole post is weird...what's ups with the "How do I word it without sounding like a know-it-all c**t?"  Strange choice of words...

     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    Strange and offensive, actually. 

    She conceived of the notion that a couple's failing marriage, immaturity, rudeness, anger issues, and poorly behaved, unruly children could be her fault.  Given that, the advice she really needs is to let go of the idea that she has that much control over anyone but herself and no one's world revolves around anything she says or does.  With that realization comes great relief and freedom.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from redflatshoe. Show redflatshoe's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems : I can't imagine any adult really thinking that.  The whole post is weird...what's ups with the "How do I word it without sounding like a know-it-all c**t?"  Strange choice of words...
    Posted by Leila32[/QUOTE]

    Ever tried giving relationship advice to fighting couples?  You will sound like a know-it-all c*** to them.

    Sorry, it's a British thing - c*** means jerk/a**hole.  Not the same US definition.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from redflatshoe. Show redflatshoe's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]Who would think anything like this was about her or her wedding?  I'm still confused by this and think there must be something behind the OP besides the question she asked.  Is there something else the OP wants to ask?
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    I know the husband was not interested in joining the family in any of the activities - he wanted to watch football(soccer).  So he was miserable the whole time and let us all know he would rather watch football.  He is also an introvert and social events make him uncomfortable/angry.  His participation was forced on him by his wife; therefore, blames us for his misery.

    We did offer to hire them a taxi service to drive them around.  I didn't force them but my cousin insisted to join us just incase then I need her "help".  But it ended up being more work for me and the wedding coordinator because of the tense atmosphere.

    I gave them itineraries 3 weeks ahead and told them to contact me for conflicts.  We also had a couple of pre-wedding get togethers with guests from around the world - Canada, France, Portugal, Brazil, UK, etc.  So we were not giving my cousin's family our full attention - they probably thought we would be devoted hosts.  But weddings, as most of you know, does not leave a lot of time to play host.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from redflatshoe. Show redflatshoe's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]The husband sounds bipolar.  Maybe he's abusive.  At the very least, they are having marital problems and you should stay out of it, other than to provide moral support to your cousin, and only if you're already close.  Everyone else at your wedding observed this behavior, too, and hopefully those who are close to her will reach out and make sure she's OK.  This is not about you or your wedding.
    Posted by koala[/QUOTE]

    You have the most helpful response of all.  I'm trying to approach this like I did to my former roommates lover's row.  Lots of fighting, snippy remarks and hurt feelings.  Then insist you choose sides but don't get involved.  When the fight is over, you were wrong to question their affections.  Nobody wins.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    Well, again, someone's bipolar issue is not your fault, and I can't imagine why anyone would think it would be.

    In all hopes to honestly help I say you need to mature a bit.  Part of growing up is realizing that other adults are going to do what they are going to do and it has nothing to do with us.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    Stacy: "How's Cuddy doing?"
    House: "She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure."
    Stacy: "You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible."
    House: "Technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful."

    House, Season 2, episode 3, "Humpty Dumpty"

    I post this not to be snarky, but to honestly help - the friend who informed me that the world doesn't revolve around me and my every word, thought, and deed, freed me from a life of constant concern over my every word, though, and deed.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Surferbettygal. Show Surferbettygal's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    This has to be a joke, right?  I think LW wants to add more drama, look at her response, she sort of makes excuses for the cousins behavior.  You reap what you sow.  Just drop it and move on!

    Thank god Oprah is going off the air, otherwise this LW would be another woman explaining (fake crying) how her wedding was ruined! 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems : Ever tried giving relationship advice to fighting couples?  You will sound like a know-it-all c*** to them. Sorry, it's a British thing - c*** means jerk/a**hole.  Not the same US definition.
    Posted by redflatshoe[/QUOTE]

    No, because as an adult I tend to stay out of the affairs of other married couples, especially when they don't ask for my advice.

    Not sure what part of the UK you are referring to, but where my family is from it has the same meaning - a derogatory term used to describe the female anatomy, or an offensive term used to describe a despicable person with implications toward to former meaning.  Use it all you want, I just find it a strange term to refer to oneself.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]The husband sounds bipolar. 
    Posted by koala[/QUOTE]


    No, he doesn't. I've had A LOT of experience with bipolar people and he sounds absolutely nothing like it.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    I was going to comment on that, as well.  Bipolar is tossed about willy-nilly these days.  But, the OP is so ridiculous that I figured commenting about the misuse of "bipolar" was a complete waste of time, no offense, WPP.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    Ok - no matter what side of the pond you're from here's the rundown:
    He's a jerk
    She's an enabler
    Their kids probably will have committment issues in 10 years

    and YOU need to stay the h3ll out of it. They made a spectacle of themselves at your wedding. you don't need to apologize for ANYTHING. Leave it all alone.

    This post reminded me of that Two A$$holes skit on SNL..."Hey Babe, babe you wanna ruin a wedding, huh babe?" "um....ya" "Cool"
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from redflatshoe. Show redflatshoe's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]Stacy: "How's Cuddy doing?" House: "She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure." Stacy: "You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible." House: "Technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful." House, Season 2, episode 3, "Humpty Dumpty" I post this not to be snarky, but to honestly help - the friend who informed me that the world doesn't revolve around me and my every word, thought, and deed, freed me from a life of constant concern over my every word, though, and deed.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]

    What? Is this your way of saying I'm a terrible person Kar.  It would be helpful if you were direct with your opinions.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from redflatshoe. Show redflatshoe's posts

    Re: Guests having marital problems

    In Response to Re: Guests having marital problems:
    [QUOTE]I was going to comment on that, as well.  Bipolar is tossed about willy-nilly these days.  But, the OP is so ridiculous that I figured commenting about the misuse of "bipolar" was a complete waste of time, no offense, WPP.
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
    Backtracking much?
     
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