Have you ever??

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Have you ever??

    Have any of you girls ever been a bridesmaid or MOH in a wedding of a good friend who is marrying a guy you can not stand? My MOH is getting married in August (she will be my MOH in my wedding) next year as well.


    Well, ever since the first day I met him, I was there when they met at the bar, I can not stand the guy. And I have valid reasons. He drinks and smokes excessively, he is barely home at night because he is out with his buddies, when they go out together (parties, functions, weddings, etc) he makes her drive ALL THE TIME because he wants to drink, he makes little comments about how she needs to work out more, they have a dog and he does nothing to take care of it and she does all the work, I could go on and on and on.


    I have tried to hard to accept him and find the good in him, but it's a little hard when I get a weekly email or phone call from my friend complaining about him. I am just sick and tired of hearing it. It has been like this for 2 years, but she is still marrying him.


    I feel awful saying this, but it is going to be really hard for me standing up there watching them get married. Not to mention he constantly teases her saying how drunk he will be at the altar, which I find disgusting and disrespectful. She just laughs it off, because she has no idea how to stick up to him.


    Have any of you or do any of you have friends who are married to a guy who just can't stand? If so, how do you deal with it? I need tips. Sorry this post is long!

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Sept2010Bride, I understand your feelings about the guy, but I don't know that it's right to say anything to her about your feelings for him.  Yes, he may not be a great guy in your eyes, but it seems that he is in hers.  She's marrying him for some reason, right?  There are only so many times a friend can reach out and wonder, "Um, why are you with him again?".  I know it will be hard to stand there and see them get married, but do it for your friend, not for the guy.  Be there to support her on her wedding day, before and after the wedding day, as well.  Sometimes it's better to just keep opinions to yourself as opposed to telling some what you really think.

    I have a friend of mine who isn't engaged, but has been in a relationship with this guy for nearly 4 years and they live together.  They fight all the time.  All the time.  She complains about him all the time.  I tell her that she needs to accept him as it's obvious that she is NEVER going to leave him.  She is petrified of being alone, and that is truly saddening.  In any case, it is not my place to say anything to her.  When she starts complaining about him, I tell her that she needs to accept it.  That's all I can do after her 4 years of complaining about the same old things about him.  If she hasn't seen it yet, then there is no use in my pointing it out.

    Hope that helps.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Goodness, I have never said anything negative to her about him, and I never would. It just kills me to see her in such a bad relationship. I know I am doing it for her, not him. But it is hard to see your best friend be with someone who doesn't treat her the way she deserves to be treated.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    And, I am not the only one who thinks this, her mother and all of our friends agree with me. But it is her journey, not mine and I completely understand that.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    I was that bride.  My parents didn't show up to the wedding, last minute, but my friends stood by me.  They didn't say a word against it.  When I divorced years later, they all said they wanted to say something but didn't think it was best.  I wish they had.  There was one thing in particular that if I'd known I'd have called off the wedding over.

    I have a friend who was in your position.  He was the best man, and couldn't stand the bride.  The night before the wedding the groom asked him if he should marry her.  He said, "Only you can answer that question for yourself."  Now, when that's the answer your best friend gives you the night before your wedding one would hope you'd give serious pause to the decision, but, alas, they married anyway.

    So, no advice here.  I'm sorry you're in this position. 
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    No, I know what you're saying.  As you have never said anything negative about him to her, I have never said anything negative about my friend's boyfriend to her.  It's something that she'll just complain and complain, I'll be there to listen and offer my advice/opinion as to how SHE should deal with it.  Like she has to!  UGH!  I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  I know the feeling, trust me.  There's only so much you can do.  Just be there for her.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Kar, it is a very difficult position, because you see that she is sometimes happy but then you see that a lot of the time she isn't, but she has no self-esteem and she is sort of settling. I guess the only thing I can do is be there for her. It just kills me inside thinking of her being married, and alone on the weekends because he is out drinking with his buddies and refuses to involve her. There are many Friday and Saturday nights when she has dinner with the FI and I, which is OK, but she kind of takes away alone time from us.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    It makes me sad when you see people settling.  When you KNOW they are. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Yeah, you can't really do much about it. Even if you do say something, chances are the relationship that will end is your friendship, not her engagement. Love is blind, sometimes it's deaf and mute as well. If he's not the one for her, don't worry, she'll come to that realization on her own and be stronger for it.

    And don't worry that he'll be drunk at the altar, what someone jokes about and what someone actually does are two very different things. She might laugh it off because she knows he's no serious. Then again, maybe she'll have few drinks before-hand too, so she doensn't care.

    It's hard to understand a relationship from the outside, no matter how close you are to the people involved.

    And sometimes people change their behavior after they're married. DH used to go out 3 or 4 times a week, now he hasn't been to a bar in at least a month, and even then, I was there with him. Marriage changes people sometimes.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    I know...it's really sad. And it's especially sad when it's your best friend.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    [QUOTE]Yeah, you can't really do much about it. Even if you do say something, chances are the relationship that will end is your friendship, not her engagement. Love is blind, sometimes it's deaf and mute as well. If he's not the one for her, don't worry, she'll come to that realization on her own and be stronger for it. And don't worry that he'll be drunk at the altar, what someone jokes about and what someone actually does are two very different things. She might laugh it off because she knows he's no serious. Then again, maybe she'll have few drinks before-hand too, so she doensn't care. It's hard to understand a relationship from the outside, no matter how close you are to the people involved. And sometimes people change their behavior after they're married. DH used to go out 3 or 4 times a week, now he hasn't been to a bar in at least a month, and even then, I was there with him. Marriage changes people sometimes.
    Posted by pinkkittie18[/QUOTE]

    That's exactly that my mom keeps saying....love is blind...
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    I just try and do my best to be there as a friend.  I tell her that I'm there for her whenever she wants to talk.  And, any time she wants to "complain" about him, I don't want her to feel that she can't come to me because of what she thinks I actually think of him.  It's really not my place.  Of course, we can all have opinions and feelings on things, but it's not really always up to us.  That being said, just be there for her.  Hopefully, she's just complaining and it's not all "that bad".  Who knows.  For me, I just listen.  There is only so many times one can say, "But, you've known this about him from day one".  Whenever I tell her that, it seems to go in one ear and out the other.  I guess, I'm just there as a sounding board, but not something she actually wants to hear any advice or opinions on. 

    Do you know what I mean?
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Yep, one of my aunts is married to a guy no one can stand. But they've been together for more than 15 years, so something about it must work for them. She loves him for who he is, flaws and all, and he feels the same way. That's all that really matters.

    It's just importnat that you be there for her, like Goodness said. That way, if things go bad, she knows she can cut her losses. If her friends and family alienate her over this, she'll start to feel like he's the only thing she has, and it will create a dangerous codependency.

    Like I said, if it's not meant to be, then she'll come to that on her own. No one else can make that decision for her.

    [QUOTE]That's exactly that my mom keeps saying....love is blind...
    Posted by Sept2010Bride[/QUOTE]
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    [QUOTE] It's just importnat that you be there for her, like Goodness said. That way, if things go bad, she knows she can cut her losses. If her friends and family alienate her over this, she'll start to feel like he's the only thing she has, and it will create a dangerous codependency. Like I said, if it's not meant to be, then she'll come to that on her own. No one else can make that decision for her.
    Posted by pinkkittie18[/QUOTE]

    Well put, pinkkittie.  I didn't even think of that portion of it.  Yes, it's SO important to be there for her as a friend.  In case something goes badly for her, she will know that she has friends and family there for her in case she needs to talk or go to.  If she feels that "no one will understand", and that you all "hate him", then she might go elsehwhere where she won't get good advice or to no one at all, and feel that she has to handle it on her own. 
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Yes, unfortunately it's one of the many reasons why women will stay with their abuser, because they feel like they have no where else to go and that no one else will understand.

    [QUOTE]Well put, pinkkittie.  I didn't even think of that portion of it.  Yes, it's SO important to be there for her as a friend.  In case something goes badly for her, she will know that she has friends and family there for her in case she needs to talk or go to.  If she feels that "no one will understand", and that you all "hate him", then she might go elsehwhere where she won't get good advice or to no one at all, and feel that she has to handle it on her own. 
    Posted by Goodness1[/QUOTE]
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from kmt09. Show kmt09's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Ugh, this is tough, Liz.  You always want what's best for your friends, so it's so hard to see them settling for less than what they deserve.  I agree with the other posters -- as her friend, you just need to be there for her no matter what.  Be there to listen when she complains about him, and be there for her if she finally comes to her senses and leaves this guy.  Alienating her would just make it harder...I know you haven't done this to her yet, but I hope her other friends and family haven't.

    This was my best friend a couple years ago.  She was with this LOSER that did nothing but get wasted every night, hit on every girl he saw, and he treated my friend like dirt.  Yelled at her, swore at her, called her names...usually in front of other people.  It killed me to see this happen, but I stood by her and let her complain and cry to me as often as she wanted.  I only stepped in once during a terrible night where I feared for her physical safety.  It took her awhile, but she finally left this guy.  Now she's with a sweet, handsome, nice guy that treats her like a queen.  It doesn't always work out this well, but there is hope!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Everyone is right, there is nothing I can really do. She will have to figure it out for herself. Thank God she has never been in danger physically that I know of.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from booklover. Show booklover's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    It's a sign of maturity when you realize that your friends don't necessarily choose the mates you might choose.  And to accept it and allow them to make their own mistakes if in fact it is a mistake.  It can be a really tough pill to swallow, because you don't want to lose your friend, but I've been there and I can tell you that what I did lose was a little bit of respect for my friend when I saw how she allowed herself to be treated.  We are no longer friends (her choice - she cut herself off from everyone).


    I also had a cousin in that position - she lost some friends over the fact that they were all trying to talk her out of marrying the guy, telling her they couldn't stand him, he was all wrong for her, etc.  And I stood by her and tried to accept him and be there for her when it all went to custard (and it did).  Luckily we are still really close and she appreciates that I have never once said "I told you so" because I never took that attitude.

    All you can really do, if you decide to do anything, is let her know you are concerned about how she is behaving (e.g., "I am concerned that you do not seem happy or you are not acting like yourself") as opposed to attacking him.  Then let her talk.  Ask lots of open-ended questions like "how do you think you could be happy" so it is clear that unless he changes, she is not going to be happy.  Then let the chips fall where they may.

    Why is it we have such trouble seeing things clearly when we are in the midst of it, but everyone around us sees it all TOO clearly? 

     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Sometimes we want to be loved, or be in love, so badly that it's mind over matter. Denial and wishful thinking are powerful states of mind.

    [QUOTE]Why is it we have such trouble seeing things clearly when we are in the midst of it, but everyone around us sees it all TOO clearly? 
    Posted by booklover[/QUOTE]
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from Brighton1. Show Brighton1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    This guy sounds like one of my FI's friends.  It took his wife 4 years to finally leave him!  Unfortunately, we're stuck with the guy. 
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Not to discount what you have said AT ALL, but don't forget that it's normal to complain about your guy to your best friend.  You probably hear more bad than good because I doubt she calls you to say, Ooooh Jim just said the sweetest thing or Jim just bought me flowers for no reason or Jim just offered to do such-and-such and I didn't even have to ask.
    I have to check in with my bff once in a while to say, You know DH is a good guy right??  After complaining about his not-so-great qualities I want to make sure she knows he is still a good catch - and she does!  But she is my go to person when I need to vent about something.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    [QUOTE]Not to discount what you have said AT ALL, but don't forget that it's normal to complain about your guy to your best friend.  You probably hear more bad than good because I doubt she calls you to say, Ooooh Jim just said the sweetest thing or Jim just bought me flowers for no reason or Jim just offered to do such-and-such and I didn't even have to ask. I have to check in with my bff once in a while to say, You know DH is a good guy right??  After complaining about his not-so-great qualities I want to make sure she knows he is still a good catch - and she does!  But she is my go to person when I need to vent about something.
    Posted by framerican51008[/QUOTE]

    Fra, I get what you're saying, but I can tell the difference between venting and complaining.  For my example, I KNOW my friend isn't just venting.  It's flat out complaining.  She also threatens (to me) that she's going to break up with him all the time.  She has even said it to him when she feels that she wants a change.  In my opinion, if she really wanted a change, she would initiate it.  For my friend, she's afraid of being alone.  Totally settling.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    That's the truth! We mustn't forget to be as loud about the good stuff as we are about the bad. :)

    [QUOTE]Not to discount what you have said AT ALL, but don't forget that it's normal to complain about your guy to your best friend.  You probably hear more bad than good because I doubt she calls you to say, Ooooh Jim just said the sweetest thing or Jim just bought me flowers for no reason or Jim just offered to do such-and-such and I didn't even have to ask. I have to check in with my bff once in a while to say, You know DH is a good guy right??  After complaining about his not-so-great qualities I want to make sure she knows he is still a good catch - and she does!  But she is my go to person when I need to vent about something.
    Posted by framerican51008[/QUOTE]
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Goodness, I completely know what you mean.  There is definitely a difference.  Just putting that out there though.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    [QUOTE]Goodness, I completely know what you mean.  There is definitely a difference.  Just putting that out there though.
    Posted by framerican51008[/QUOTE]

    Yea, it's not just complaining about him leaving his dirty socks on the floor.  It's about him as a person, that she complains about!  HA!  So bad.  I have noticed that she doesn't tell me as much as she once did.  I think it's become obvious [to her] as well as me, how darn awful it sounds.  It was EVERY DAY she would say the same things!  So sad.
     

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