Have you ever??

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    [QUOTE]Not to discount what you have said AT ALL, but don't forget that it's normal to complain about your guy to your best friend.  You probably hear more bad than good because I doubt she calls you to say, Ooooh Jim just said the sweetest thing or Jim just bought me flowers for no reason or Jim just offered to do such-and-such and I didn't even have to ask. I have to check in with my bff once in a while to say, You know DH is a good guy right??  After complaining about his not-so-great qualities I want to make sure she knows he is still a good catch - and she does!  But she is my go to person when I need to vent about something.
    Posted by framerican51008[/QUOTE]

    Fra, I totally agree with you, but this is a completely different situation. I really don't even have the energy to type all the things he has done to make me not like him. But yes we all vent about out FI and DH's, that is totally natural!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    This whole situation $ucks. Unfortunately, she's the only one who can recognize that she's in a toxic relationship and take the initiative to get out. 

    FI's sister is a really cool girl, smart, pretty, everyone likes her, and she was with this loser for several years. People would tell her that he was a jerk and didn't treat her right, but she had reach that realization by herself. Now she's with a nice guy who treats her much better.

    That consistency and reliability of being with someone can lull you into complacency and make you scared to change things up. I know so many women who have had to jerk themselves out of a situation like that and, scary as it was, not one regrets it. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Lizard. Show Lizard's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Ah....if only Hallmark would come out with cards to say "I'm happy that you're getting married....I only wish it was to a guy we liked" sadly, they don't....so my advice is that you stand up there and be a good friend.

    A couple of years ago a good friend of mine married a guy who no one in our group of friends or in her family liked, but she did.  We all think it was more of a "Gee, I better marry this guy because I hadn't been on a date in 5+ years before I met him....I don't want to go through that kind of a drought again...."  Regardless...she had to marry him, not us.

    So, I stood up there at the ceremony and at the reception made a nice MOH speech about how happy I was for HER and made no mention of him.  Perhaps that was low class on my part, but I was there for her, not him.

    I hear there's a divorce in the works, maybe she'll get it right the second time around.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    [QUOTE]Ah....if only Hallmark would come out with cards to say "I'm happy that you're getting married....I only wish it was to a guy we liked" sadly, they don't....so my advice is that you stand up there and be a good friend. A couple of years ago a good friend of mine married a guy who no one in our group of friends or in her family liked, but she did.  We all think it was more of a "Gee, I better marry this guy because I hadn't been on a date in 5+ years before I met him....I don't want to go through that kind of a drought again...."  Regardless...she had to marry him, not us. So, I stood up there at the ceremony and at the reception made a nice MOH speech about how happy I was for HER and made no mention of him.  Perhaps that was low class on my part, but I was there for her, not him. I hear there's a divorce in the works, maybe she'll get it right the second time around.
    Posted by Lizard[/QUOTE]

    Lizard, I hadn't even thought about the speech! Oh man :(
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    As far as a speech goes, you can only be honest. Tell her what a good friend she is, and that you wish them every happiness. Because you do, you wish they'd be happy. You don't have to say you love this guy, you just say "I'm happy you found someone you want to spend your life with.", you don't have to say you're happy it's this particular guy.

    And like I said, sometimes a marriage changes people for the better. Who knows? Maybe he'll turn a new leaf...

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    First of all, if this is your closest friend, how come you have never sat down with her and expressed your concerns?  In a very kind and non-judgmental way, of course.

    When my BFF got married, I was heartsick.  I didn't think her FI was good enough for her, I didn't like how he treated her, and I was sure the marriage wouldn't last.  I really did a lot of soul-searching when it came to being her MOH, but in the end, she wanted me there and so I was.

    I'm planning a big party because they're celebrating their 25th anniversary next year.  He really changed, grew up, got responsible, etc. etc.  I never thought I'd live to see the day. 

    But, yes, I did talk to her way before the wedding about my concerns.  It didn't harm our friendship.  What good is a friendship if you can't talk about the big stuff? 

    Best of luck! 

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie18. Show pinkkittie18's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    It's good to hear a story on this thread that didn't end with divorce! :)

    [QUOTE] I'm planning a big party because they're celebrating their 25th anniversary next year.  He really changed, grew up, got responsible, etc. etc.  I never thought I'd live to see the day.  Posted by cosmogirl[/QUOTE]
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from somethingold. Show somethingold's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    You go and support your friend if not the marriage.  And to the person who said they wished someone had spoken up, if the marriage had worked I wonder if you would have stillbenn friends with the pal who said he's a loser.
    Now if he cheated  and you knew for certain  then I would tell her that because health is at risk.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Missy509. Show Missy509's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    I would talk to your friend. Tell her you are concerned and wanted to make ure concerns known, but regardless of what she decides to do, you will be there for her.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    [QUOTE]You go and support your friend if not the marriage.  And to the person who said they wished someone had spoken up, if the marriage had worked I wonder if you would have stillbenn friends with the pal who said he's a loser. Now if he cheated  and you knew for certain  then I would tell her that because health is at risk.
    Posted by somethingold[/QUOTE]

    I still love my parents and they not only told me not to marry him, they didn't show up to the wedding.  I would have loved my friends if it had worked out.  But, it was so completely doomed there was no hope of that so it's a moot argument.  I was the only one blind and stupid enough to think otherwise at the time.

    P.S.  And, yes, there's a huge difference between venting about little irritations and being concerned about major character deficiencies.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Yes, I do have a friend whose husband I do not like at all, and I was in her wedding.  In addition, about 5 years ago, he cheated on her, she forgave him and they are still married.  This was about 25 years ago now and yes, we are still friends, though it is very different.  And some of it was her.  I mean, it you really think about it, if someone marries someone unappealing, it says a lot about HER!

    One thing I didn't have though was her complaining about her husband outside the usual annoying things husbands do like walking past a ringing phone and leaving his stinky socks on the floor.  And I think this changes my advice a little.  If he was just an unlikable guy, as my friend's husband is, and you value her friendship, then deal with it and do all the wedding stuff.  Accept that your friendship will be with her alone and do stuff alone with her and try to forget about her annoying husband.

    But if she is complaining about things that should be real deal breakers in a relationship, you have a big decision.  You either need to
    1) discuss it with her--if she is a good friend, you should be able to say anything--I always start out difficult conversations like this by saying--I'm not sure how to say this, this might come out wrong, so bear with me, or something like that; 2) deal with it and go along, tune her out when she complains and see how much more you can take before you end your friendship or she ends her marriage
    3) drop out of the wedding, and continue the friendship, but this will limit contact, and hopefully the complaining.
    4) end the friendship now.

    Only you know how important this friend is, so only you know which choice to make.  At the very least, I would expect this friendship to change once she is married.

    Now that I am married, I have to say, I have one rule.  My friendships can not be more work than my marriage.  I would do anything for a friend, I am a very good friend, and I think I would like to have a friend like me, but everything has its limits.  Circumstances change, friendships change.  People don't really change, but you do see them in different light sometimes.  Take a deep breath, think about where you want things to go and do that.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Alf,
    What a perfect advice you gave. When someone is in  toxic relationship - they just don' t see it. Or they would not be in that relationship.
    I had a friend like that, many years ago. OMG - how many times have I sat and have her cry on my shoulder.  They eventually divorced, but she would still keep asking me, what she should do to get this looser back. I know, it is bad - but I finally couldn' t take it any longer. She would call me several times a day or just stop by. I had to end the relationship. That hurt me a lot, we had been friends since nursery school. But our relationship became toxic for myself and my marriage, even though my husband was a true angle.  I wanted to spend time w/ him - not her. I understand, she is now married again to someone else. I don' t want to know anything about it though.

    This is totally OT. When I flew back from Ireland, there was a documentary about TV personalities. Are you aware, that ALF was actually a little person in a costume?
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    I actually just looked at cosmo's advice and it made me think of something else.  I really think what you do about this depends on what you don't like about your friend's husband.  In cosmo's case, the husband was just an immature goon and matured into a much better person who she could deal with.  My friend's husband is just a negative curmudgeon and its easy to avoid him.  I think the difficult thing with the OP's situation is that her friend is complaining about her husband's behavior.

    I guess that's why I came up with 4 options.  I do think in the OP's case I would try to talk to my friend about why she is marrying this guy, but again, she knows her friendship, and her best option, best.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    Actually, our friendship suffered for my friend's not having spoken up.  It isn't for anything on my part; I totally forgave him when it all came out during the divorce (9 years later).  But, my friend couldn't get over the guilt of standing there and not telling me what only he knew as he watched my life crumble in divorce.  He correctly assumed that I'd have called it off and not "ruined my life" had he spoken up, and he just couldn't face me no matter how much I told him I understood he thought he was doing the right thing at the time.  We were both younger (24 and 25) and more naive than we were 9 years later, and playing the second guessing game wasn't worth it. Hindsight is always 20/20.

    However, if I had called it off, my life would have been so different I'd never have met my DH.  Isn't there a song about that, "God bless the broken road that brought me to you..."?
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from newyorkergirl. Show newyorkergirl's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    In Response to Re: Have you ever??:
    [QUOTE]Fra, I totally agree with you, but this is a completely different situation. I really don't even have the energy to type all the things he has done to make me not like him. But yes we all vent about out FI and DH's, that is totally natural!
    Posted by Sept2010Bride[/QUOTE]

    Sept2010Bride, 
      I think that you should honestly talk with your friend about how you feel about her fiance. From your description of him, he sounds like he will only bring his wife down. The frequent drinking with his friends concerns me. I am not against men hanging out with their buddies, but it seems that he is not there for his fiance. IS that something you really want for your friend? what if they have kids? would he be there for his family? Is that what you want for your friend? This guy seems like he has a destructive personality, and you need to talk to your friend. Maybe you and your friend can talk to someone who specializes in relationships or talk to a counselor. Maybe your friend is afraid to let her fiance go because she maybe scared she wont have a support system. 
    I was once is a terrible relationship. The guy was a jerk to me, but I was afraid of being alone. We finally went our separate ways, and I felt so relieved to be out of that relationship. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Have you ever??

    In Response to Re: Have you ever??:
    [QUOTE]It's good to hear a story on this thread that didn't end with divorce! :)
    Posted by pinkkittie18[/QUOTE]

    It's also good to hear a story where the friendship survived.  :)  Everyone wins.
     

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