How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from teacherinmass. Show teacherinmass's posts

    How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Ugh. I just got the Save the Date in the mail and honestly, this guy is not really a friend anymore. 2 and a half years ago, he met this girl and has not returned a phone call from me or my boyfriend since then. Now he wants us to attend their wedding? I have every intention to send a sarcastic note, but my boyfriend says to just ignore it unless we hear from him. Two and a half years ago, he was great friend and for a long time I missed him, but at this point, it has just been so long. Why does he want us there if he wanted nothing to do with us for the previous two years?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Ignore it.  When you get the actual invitation, mark the box to decline, and mail it back.

    He could be trying to mend fences.  He could believe that, at one point, you were close enough that you would want to be included.  Or, he could want gifts.  Either way, you're under no obligation to actually attend the wedding.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Ignore it, and decline when he sends the invitation.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I agree, ignore it. If he truly wants to mend fences, he'll call you or send an email or whatever. And if he doesn't, definitely decline the invitation when it comes.

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    everyone is right.  ignore it, and decline both the bridal shower and wedding invitations. 

    where he hasn't returned a call in 2.5 years, and sounds like he/they couldn't be bothered with you & your boyfriend, it sounds like they sent the STD (and future bridal shower & wedding invite) to grub for gifts (NEVER a good thing!).
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Agree with everyone else. If you send a snarky reply, you'll be the bad guy. When you get the invitation, decline. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    In my experience, guys often want to invite way too many friends... including people they haven't actually spoken to in years.  Unless he reaches out to say how much he's missed you and hopes you'll come to the wedding, just check "no" on the rsvp.
    ETA: Even if he does reach out, you don't necessarily have to go.  I was invited to a "friend's" wedding after I hadn't seen her in 3 years.  I thought it was the first step in the right direction, so I traveled to Lake George for it.  Do you think she came to my wedding 7 months later?  Or my shower or my bachelorette party?  Nah
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from JJLen. Show JJLen's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Save the dates don't require any response. Just do nothing and wait for the invite. And when it comes, just decline. I agree with a pp, who said if you send a snarky note you are the bad guy. There is nothing terrible about people drifting apart, and then one of them reaching out with an invitation (I just don't get being offended at an invitation!). So if you don't want to go, then just check off no on the invite when it comes. No need to get into a fight about it by sending a nasty note.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    you're right about guys more often than not wanting to invite too many friends.  a close friend of mine was getting married, and her now DH wanted to invite every friend from his childhood.  when she reminded him he wasn't footing the bill for this wedding the list was chopped real quick.  2 weeks before the wedding he wanted to add an additional 50 people...she told him to cough up the money for it..that discussion was squashed real quick!

    he also wanted to have a billion ushers...as she had only a few close friends, she wanted only a few BM's and an usher partner for each..(she was a stickler for an *even amount* in the bridal party)...when he realized "she didn't have alot of friends"...he was *shocked*...

    i'm just amazed at how people get goofy headed when they get engaged...and how easily things can get out of control...      
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Call me Pollyanna, but I never assume that people are grubbing for gifts. I would first assume that he's trying to mend fences. I would absolutely not say anything in response to the save the date. If you decide that you want to salvage a relationship with this guy and his wife, go to the wedding. If you've already cut your ties, politely decline.

    My FI was just the opposite with his friends and attendants. I have had to push him to invite his college friends, etc. He didn't even list them as people he wants pictures with until I mentioned it.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from IsabelArcher. Show IsabelArcher's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    'Save-the-date' helps a couple cull and solidify the guest list.  The fact that you received a save-the-date means that you have most favored status despite the two and half year sabbatical. 
    Accepting and attending the wedding could result in reestablishing the friendship. 
    But if you'd rather have none of it, be decent and zip him your regrets now. That way they can work their B-list. 
    BTW, it could be that the GF was uncomfortable with your friendship with this guy. She might be more open to it now; or this might be your guyfriend's way of either reaching out to you and/or asserting himself for once.  
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

       If you do not want to reestablish the friendship, do as the above poster says, and let them know now.  You do not have to give a reason.

        You can just give something vague to suggest conflicting plans - what with planning our vacation, and family events, we have plans for all 3 weekends that month type thing,  then say,  I thought I would respond early so you could cross us off your list and not plan on someone who definitely cannot come.

       Then wish them well.

         We all know how hard invitation lists are to cut, and how expensive it is to order flowers, larger number of tables for people who know 4 to 10 months ahead they will definitely not attend.  So be kind, let them know early.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Well, you can either do as everyone suggests and ignore it/decline or you can call him up and re-establish the friendship.  You said you used to really like him and missed him. 

    Why not use the STD as a excuse to call him and say congratulations. 

    I agree that 2 years is a long time, but obviously he was in the throes of hot, mad love and you know how guys are - LOL!

    it's up to you, of course, but over the years, I've picked back up with friends who had drifted away and it's been wonderful. 

    Just my two cents...
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I agree with the first 2 (all I read, admittedly). 

    Ignore it and RSVP to the invitation with regrets.  Go on with your life as-is.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I agree with Isabel and Whatawag:  let them know now that you don't intend to attend.  That gives you closure so you don't have to think about it anymore and is also a nice thing for them so they can adjust their guest list.  You can shoot him an email and be done with it.

    I will mention though another reason he might have invited you:  I know that our wedding brought to light for my FI that he hasn't kept in touch with many of his old friends.  (I guess we hang out more with "my" friends, who I tried to explain are now "our" friends.)  When we started our list, it made him sad and he said "why don't I have any of my own friends?"  It isn't a big deal (or a competition in terms of # of people invited) but the act of listing out his friends may have made him realize that he hasn't kept in touch with people.  So it may be he is reaching out, but may also be that he was trying to "up" his numbers.  I'm not saying either way it is right or wrong, just a possible explanation.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Fram and Trex bring up good points. I, myself, am really bad at keeping up with old friends, but ti's not because I don't care about them. It's mostly because I hate talking on the phone and some people aren't email people, and a little because I don't get out of the city much.
    Cosmo's suggestion of rekindling is great- if you haven't given up on him already.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I agree that Cosmo has a good suggestion - my initial post was simply because it sounded like you didn't have any interest in rekindling.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    In Response to Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?:
    I agree that Cosmo has a good suggestion - my initial post was simply because it sounded like you didn't have any interest in rekindling.
    Posted by lucy7368


    I read it that way, too.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    In Response to Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?:
    Well, you can either do as everyone suggests and ignore it/decline or you can call him up and re-establish the friendship.  You said you used to really like him and missed him.  Why not use the STD as a excuse to call him and say congratulations.  I agree that 2 years is a long time, but obviously he was in the throes of hot, mad love and you know how guys are - LOL! it's up to you, of course, but over the years, I've picked back up with friends who had drifted away and it's been wonderful.  Just my two cents...
    Posted by cosmogirl


        I think Cos makes a very important point.  Depending on age and circumstances, there are times when people first fall in love, or transition - new job, move, graduate -  when they meet another set of people, and old friends, rarely seen, get dropped.

         But when it is not anything malicious or from a big fight,  The same person who was a good friend  3 years back may become one again, now or in 3 years when you find yourself closer, or both having young families, or sharing a hobby.

       Don't silently burn bridges with a decline 8 months later.

       Either make a nice call, sound out being friends.

       Or decline really early after the SAVE, in a way that sounds like,  you know, if really important family things (Vacation, whatever)  did not conflict I would  be there.  And best wishes.

        Leave the door open.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I disagree with dealing with it now.  It's not passive-aggressive to let it go in this case because an STD does not carry with it an obligation or expectation of a response.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    In Response to Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?:
    I disagree with dealing with it now.  It's not passive-aggressive to let it go in this case because an STD does not carry with it an obligation or expectation of a response.
    Posted by kargiver


    I would have to agree, only because after I sent out STDs and few people felt the need to respond right then and there made quite the impression. One person in particular let us know right away that they wouldn't be coming and it felt like a big "Hi, I don't like you, and I couldn't wait to tell you. Kthxbye"
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Exactly.  Invitations come with response cards with "regrets" as a viable and courteous option.  With no expectation of a response, there is nothing open that needs closure at this point.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Some thoughts in no particular order:

    * I'm with Friar in that I don't assume people are gift grubbing.  Just isn't the thought that comes to my mind.  I think it's more likely that the dude doesn't realize it would seem weird to the OP to be invited after all these years.  My DH wanted to invite some guy he had been friends with 10 years ago and skied with once every other year or so.  It took me a looong time to get that "friend" scratched off the list.

    * I also agree with those who said it could be an opportunity to reach out and mend the fence (but also with those who said it didn't seem like the OP was interested).

    * You can reply to the STD if you want, but personally I would have still sent invitations to those who said they couldn't make it, so it might not make any difference.

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    How would one respond to the STD?  "Just thought I'd let you know not to bother sending an invitation."  Or, maybe, "Maybe if you had been getting married back when we were friendly I'd consider 'saving the date,' but now it's just weird."  Or, "I feel the need to get it off my chest that I won't be attending.  Since STDs don't come with response cards, I thought I'd make a phone call to do it...you're not uncomfortable, are you?  Hello?"

    Is there a more polite thing to say?  Something that doesn't imply any of the above responses?
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I completely see your point Kar, but people "reply" to STDs all the time.  If people know for sure that they can't make it because they have an obligation/a vacation planned/a business trip, they often let the couple know they won't be able to make it.  That's not to say they are required to let the couple know.

    On the one hand, it might free the bride and groom to invite another person instead.  Personally, I know that things could change in the months before the wedding, so I wouldn't have truly counted the person out until I got the decline on the rsvp.
     

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