How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    My feeling from the OP was that the poster didn't really have any interest in rekindling a friendship with this person.  Which is why I recommend replying to the STD right away rather than wait for the invite.  I know when something like this is unresolved, it bugs me (sorts of eats away at me).  I'd much rather just nip it in the bud, have it be done with.  That's why I would just send a polite, vague email saying I can't make it.  Then it is done, the person knows.  If they send an invite, you just decline.  But the "confrontation" aspect of it is over, which gives me closure and let's me put it out of my head.

    It was more for the sanity of the OP to reply now, not for the friend.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Of course, you CAN reply to an STD and not be in the wrong.  In this case, though, what polite way is there to say you'd rather watch grass grow?  Usually, people reply because they can't contain their excitement about attending or disappointment because it coincides with plans that are already set in stone and cannot attend despite desparately wanting to be there.  My only point is that you cannot reply IF it's just to essentially voice distaste in having been thought of.

    And, of course, it's for the OP's sanity.  But, it's rude.  She certainly can forget about it until the invitation comes and she can politely decline.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from teacherinmass. Show teacherinmass's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    OP here...
    I guess I was mostly just surprised, as opposed to annoyed as my original posts seems

    In response to this comment "My feeling from the OP was that the poster didn't really have any interest in rekindling a friendship with this person"
    During this first two years, all of us (my boyfriend and I and a bunch of other friends) have continued to call and leave messages on this guy's answering machine, asking him to meet up or reconnect, even to congratulate on his engagement a year ago (which we heard about through the grapevine of our small town). He has never returned a call, sent a text, mass emailed... nothing. So I guess about 6 months ago, I thought, this friendship is done. It isn't so much that I don't want to reconnect with him...  it's that he doesn't want to reconnect to us, or at least that is what his actions have shown.

    I know it would be nice to make another call, but I don't have it in me, even just to politely decline the invitation. If he calls, I might let him know I have no intention of attending. Otherwise, I will take your advice and just wait to decline on the RSVP card in the invitation.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    The B&G should not be using the STDs to firm up the guest list.  There is nothing to apologize for if you don't want to call - truly, what would you say?  Yes, if he calls and ASKS if are you coming, don't lie, of course.  Rest assured, though, most people are not that brazen; they actually think about how awkward it would be if you said no and, instead, let the invitation do that job for them.  You are being as genteel as can be just letting it go.

    Best wishes!  Glad you posted, teacher. :)

    ~kar
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from joyadams. Show joyadams's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I'm sure you've already received enough suggestions and opinions. But, just in case:)

    My first thought was that you wouldn't have bothered posting your "predicament" unless you still had some "feelings" for this man. And, I know you were only "friends". My point is that if you were "true" friends, then you had some mutual caring and feelings of good will, correct? If yes, those feelings don't just disappear. Not for me anyway, and not if the friendship was a good one.

    That being said, you know in your heart what you want to do. I may be wrong, but I think deep down inside you want to tell him off for not returning your calls.

    It's possible that he has no clue as to how you feel, or no clue that he's done anything wrong. The only question is: Is his friendship important to you? If it were me, I think I would take this opportunity to tell him how I feel. Whatever the end result, it would make ME feel a hell of alot better to tie up loose ends.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    joy's response prompts me to qualify my posts - I am totally assuming you have no interest in rekindling this friendship.

    I maintain that if that is the case, calling simply to say you're not going is rude.  However, if you DO want to use this as a springboard to see if he and his fiance are wanting to strike up a newly defined friendship, by all means, go ahead with contact.  If you decide to do that, keep the wedding out of it as far as your attendance/STD goes.  Ask how they met, how long they've been engaged, you know, general wedding related inquiries to get to know him, again, and her for the first time.  (Only do this if you are SURE you feel that way yourself or you might end up saddled with a relationship that you were, come to find out, happy to have let fizzle.) 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I agree. 

    Calling to say "Congratulations!  Maybe we should get coffee sometimes" = not rude, and totally appropriate.

    Calling to say "I don't care that you're getting married because we're not friends anymore" = rude, and completely uncalled-for.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    In Response to Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?:
    I agree.  Calling to say "Congratulations!  Maybe we should get coffee sometimes" = not rude, and totally appropriate. Calling to say "I don't care that you're getting married because we're not friends anymore" = rude, and completely uncalled-for.
    Posted by lucy7368



    exactly, and as others have pointed out, unless you can say "I have a vacation/business trip/surgery/etc scheduled for that day, so I can't make it." then just wait and decline when the invitation comes.

    I know it's frustrating and hurtful when someone who's been blowing you off drops an unexpected line like this, but try and resist letting the frustration show.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from IsabelArcher. Show IsabelArcher's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    "..., and as others have pointed out, unless you can say "I have a vacation/business trip/surgery/etc scheduled for that day, so I can't make it." then just wait and decline when the invitation comes"
    .
    I agree with pinkkittie's latest comment and didn't mean to suggest otherwise in my original post.

    OP, I read your post stating that you do intend to wait for the invite and send regrets then.  Probably a good idea because it gives you some cooling down time, you don't have to concoct an excuse, and it stifles your understandable desire to give former friend a piece of your mind.
      
    However should you become at all conflicted over whether to attend or not, you have a great topic for Miss Conduct's blog. ;-)
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from downtoearth. Show downtoearth's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    a save the date notification does not require a response.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Aunt Beth, 
    Glad to see you're taking up the SWOWT mantle in Ridley's absence. She was truly a gentlewoman and a pioneer. Laughing Tongue out Can you nudge her to come back? It's been quite dull without her. 
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from teacherinmass. Show teacherinmass's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    OP Update:
    Just received the invitation.

    As a group, none of us contacted this guy after receiving STD's. We were annoyed and we figured if he was trying to mend fences for not returning a single phone call or email and not stopping by and saying hello at any of our houses for 2 years, it wasn't our job to initiate the mending of the fences, especially when we are all pretty done with this guy if this is the way he treats his closest "friends".

    I must admit, I sent one late night, one glass of wine too many email inquiring if he wanted to reconnect with our group of friends, he needed to do it in another way besides STDs and wedding invitations. No response.

    So the invitation arrived.

    We can't attend.

    We don't want to attend either, but we actually really can't attend either.

    I'm oh so tempted to hold onto the response card until after the RSVP date for spite... but that just my "wasting my anger and emotion on a bad friend" side. I'll send it in with regrets and nothing else snarky or immature.

    I realize this post is immature, but I thought an update was in order and being immature is ok on the internet... or at least better than being immature in person ;).
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    Teacher,

    Your GREAT friend is not a great frind any longer. Seems to me - he is just looking for gifts. Ignore his invitation. Save yourself some $$ for shower as well as wedding gifts.
    You may miss your friend, but that is not a good reason to send a sarcastic note. You two may want to pick up your friendship later on.
    - Pingo

    In Response to How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?:
    [QUOTE]Ugh. I just got the Save the Date in the mail and honestly, this guy is not really a friend anymore. 2 and a half years ago, he met this girl and has not returned a phone call from me or my boyfriend since then. Now he wants us to attend their wedding? I have every intention to send a sarcastic note, but my boyfriend says to just ignore it unless we hear from him. Two and a half years ago, he was great friend and for a long time I missed him, but at this point, it has just been so long. Why does he want us there if he wanted nothing to do with us for the previous two years?
    Posted by teacherinmass[/QUOTE]
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: How should I respond to a save the date for a friend's wedding who hasn't returned a phone call in 2.5 years?

    I'm glad you've decided not to respond late in spite.

     

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