Issues with a bridesmaid..

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Issues with a bridesmaid..

    So, I got engaged in March, and pretty much knew right away who I wanted to be in my wedding.

    I am now having serious issues with one of my BM's. She is a friend from HS (the only person I still talk to from HS). We have been close since the 4th grade, so I am really confused as to her behavior towards me right now.


    Lately (in the past two months or so) she has been really withdrawn from me. Taking about 4-5 days to return any of my emails or phone calls, and when she does she will answer them with one or two lines, kind of like she doesn't care. Sometimes I will try to catch her on IM, and when I do, every response I get when we talk is literally one word like "fine, ok, yeah"

    I don't get it. We are really close, or at least I think we are. As one of my BM's, and as one of my best friends, I need her to be more open with me. And as it get's further into the planning process, especially when I start picking out the BM dresses, I am going to need her to be more available than she is now (not saying I need her at my beck and call, but I need her to be ok coming BM dress shopping)

    If she is having second thoughts about being in the wedding, than I guess that is fine (it would kill me), but I wish she would just tell me, because I don't feel comfortable bringing it up.

    Did any of you guys go through this with any of your BM's??

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from ajuly09. Show ajuly09's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    I had a similar situation. Come to find out my friend was on the rocks with her bf who she thought she was going to marry.  I think anything having to do with love, planning a wedding and getting married made her really upset.   I thought my friend just really didn't care, come to find out it was just hard for her to do so.  What is your friend's situation?   Have you always been close till this point?   Sounds like it is time for a talk with her.  A quick talk, even to ask what is up.  It could be awkward, but you may find something out.  If she keeps this up, not returning calls or emails, finding bm dresses, planning shower, bach. party could be really hard for you and your other bms.  Does she know any of the other girls? Maybe she feels left out? If everyone else knows each other and she is the HS friend, she may feel she is not part of the group. 
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    She just celebrated her one year anniversary with her DH this past April, so I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy. She knows all the other girls (one particulary very well because we all grew up in the same town, but the other girl went to another HS). The other girl is pregnant and is due in November, so trying not to overwhelm her too much with the wedding details, so I don't know if she is feeling like that is unfair to her??

    I am trying so hard to fair to all my girls. I am the farthest from a Zilla and really laid back. Like I literally am going to pick a color and a designer I like and let the girls pick their own dresses, my mom is taking care of my shower, I'm not picky about my bach party. I just don't understand why she is so upset with me.

    I just had a full out sob fest in front of my FI....

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ajuly09. Show ajuly09's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Hmm...ya sounds like you have thought of all the reasons and none seem like the answer.  I think it is time to casually ask if everything is alright, let her know she has seemed distant, and that you are concerned.  
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from booklover. Show booklover's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Weddings do weird things to people.  Might have nothing to do with you.  Maybe she and her husband are going through a hard time and you are not aware of it.

    I asked one of my closest friends to be a BM and she suddenly got all weird on me, too.  She was extremely overweight so I was very conscious of picking a dress that would work well with any size or body shape, but it didn't matter, she developed many excuses for why she couldn't buy her dress, and then just simply stopping talking about it - then right before the wedding (when it became obvious she wasn't going to be in it - even though she never actually told me), she lied and said she was having surgery and didn't even know if she would be able to attend.  Well she did attend but our friendship was never the same (she got very drunk at the wedding and hit on each and every guy in the place) and we are no longer in touch.

    Good luck - I would do my best to have an honest conversation with her as soon as possible about the fact that you've noticed the distance and are concerned.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    I think a lot of us have experienced something like this.  Did she always take a few days to reply to emails, etc.?  Maybe you are just more sensitive to it now?  Just throwing it out there as a possibility!
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    This happened to me and one of my bridesmaids, as well.  She started acting strange with me within the first few days my fiance and I got engaged.  She was mean and rude.  I called her on it.  I told her that I don't appreciate her attitude, and that I don't know what's going on.  She never admitted to having any problems, and just called me sensitive.  A few months passed, and I asked her to be a bridesmaid.  It's been good ever since.  I do feel, on some level, that it was hard for her and is hard for her seeing me get married.  We have always just been "single" together.  We have always had boyfriends together, but we used to go out a lot together, and I feel that she's missing that now. 

    Other than that, things are good.  I'm not demanding with my bridesmaids at all.  I picked out a dress and color that I thought would compliment all of them, and they're all set with it.  I'm letting them choose their own shoes.  Aside from that, my mother and sister hosted my bridal shower, and I don't expect or really even want a bachelorette party.  I pretty much leave my girls alone. 

    Also, I don't talk wedding stuff unless I'm asked.  That's a key point.  If there's a question my way, I will answer and move on.  I don't spend a lot of time talking about wedding/honeymoon. 
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Fra, no, see that's the thing. My FI used to make fun of us because we literally would talk on the phone like 5 times a day, IM all the time, text all time, etc etc etc. And all of sudden she has some attitude with me.


    I think there has got to be something else going and she is taking it out on me right now. She feels very comfortable around me, and tends to take things out on me sometimes, but not to this extent. I don't really talk about my wedding much, seeing as it is more than a year away, what is there really to talk about?


    Maybe I am just feeling annoyed that I did so much for her wedding and never once acted like this, and now I feel as though everything I say or do annoys the cr*p out of her. We are going out to eat on a double date on Thursday night that we have had planned for a while, so I guess I will see how that works out. I am worried that it will be awkward though.

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    I would just act like your normal, lovely self at the dinner.  I know it's easier said than done, but try not to take it personally.  It might just be her issue.  I would let her know, in a non-obvious way, that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk, then the ball is in her court.  Just leave it up to her.  I know wedding planning can be tough, and unfortunately, it brings out the worst/best in people sometimes.  Just take things with the grain of salt unless she specifically says something personal to you.  You can't worry about her.  I understand she's your friend, but people are different. 
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Maybe you can invite her to hang out, just the two of you, and carefully inject concern that she's been upset about something. Don't mention the wedding, just cite the vibes (if you talk like that...I've been told that normal people don't, but oh well...).

    Maybe there are outside factors you're unaware of and she's accidentally projecting them onto you. Good luck!

    My MOH mentioned to me that on the morning of my wedding (which is in NH), she wants to stop by a graduation at a Boston college. I was nervous that she'd miss the limo to NH and, consequently, the wedding. Foot in mouth I'm slightly freaking out about it now. She's the most loyal, generous, selfless person I know and has never let me down, but it's more the trains and buses I worry about than her. You never know when the MBTA will c.r.a.p itself. I think I'm going to develop an ulcer in the next 31 days worrying about this.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    WPP, could you nicely ask her to skip it? She has known about your wedding for I am assuming over a year now, and I know that your wedding is not something that should make the Earth stop, but she is your MOH and she should be there for your the morning of. I like yourself, would be freaking out as well.

    I am going to ride my friend out for awhile to see if it has to do with something else. My wedding is not till 9/2010, so I don't want to badger her about it.

    Thank you for the advice :)

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    I know, my first reaction was W.T.F? I'm terrible at confrontation, but when we hang out next I'm going to ask her. I think she knows that I'm going to ask her, too. I'm sure it'll be fine, but I tend to overreact and think of worst-case scenarios (ie, "No, you're a big jerk and I quit our friendhsip!") for these kinds of things.

    Maybe--and I'm not hating on you here, really--she's running out of steam on the wedding talk. It's normal to want to talk about your wedding constantly, but maybe she's thinking, "There's a year+, no more wedding talk for awhile!" My friends kindly told me to shut up after awhile. But that's what we're here for :) You can talk weddings to your heart's content here.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from ilovebeagles. Show ilovebeagles's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Hi Sept, I had very similar issues with a BM as well. I ended up asking her to step down, which was the best thing I did for myself in my wedding planning. I know it was the right choice for me.
    I had 1 BM and 1 MOH. The dress color was black, and they could wear separate dresses if they wanted. MOH went and picked out a dress. I went with BM, let her try on anything she wanted. She hated everything, thought weddings were stupid, showers were a waste, and BM dresses were all ugly.
    She never ordered the dress, she said 1 month wasnt enough time, even though she has over a year of me being engaged before she had to order the dress. She thought asking anything under 2 months was rude. She never responded to emails my sister sent me, stopped returning my calls (nonwedding related).  She told me to my face that no one would remember anything about my wedding anyways, so what did it matter. She was being so nasty and difficult, I didnt know what to do.
    It came down to jealousy over me "having everything" and her having "nothing" - Quotes from her when I finally said, listen we need to talk. I wasnt committed to asking her to step down until that final conversation. I told her I needed to talk with her in person and told her anytime on a particular weekend would work for me. Never heard from her - I called her again on Sunday and told her - hey I said I needed to talk to you. She finally called me back, saying Oh I am on my way to X dont have much time. At that point, after her causing so much unnecessary stress and her not being able to do anything that was about me, and not her, I made the decision.

    Basically, ex BM was incapable of being there for me, which is very hurtful to me as I have been a very good friend to her, even including her on my family vacations so she would have a chance to get away. Ex BM thinks I have everything and just get it - my education, great family,  good friends,and awesome DH. She forgets that I worked my tail off to get where I am, and owe a lot of money in student loans, and my family and I are close, which takes a lot of effort and my DH and I are not perfect, but we love each other. Ex BM is single, broke due to the fact she eats out 4 times a week and shops every weekend to excess, and the fact that she isnt friends with any of our former mutual friends and I still am is because she is self-centered and people eventually tire of having a one way friendship and unneeded drama. I was the last hold out.
    Sometimes, it is not everyone else!

    Bottom line - my wedding day was stress free and beautiful and I tried very hard to make it so. If I had kept my friend in there, it would have been nothing but unneeded stress. I also think our friendship would have broken anyways at some point, as it did with all our other mutual friends, and my life is much easier, less drama filled and I dont really miss her. That is very hard for me to say, but not having her in my life has improved it. Do I miss the old her? Very much so, but I cant do anything about that.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    It's just obnoxious. And you know...I'm not trying to pat my own back here, but last April (2008) when she got married, it was really hard on me because she had two girls in her wedding whom I went to high school with, who I do not get a long with anymore. We all used to be friends in HS, and I don't talk to them anymore. So for a whole year I had to pretend to be friendly with them (during the planning, the shower, the bachelortte party, and the whole day at the wedding), while the three of them all were friendly and bff's, and then there was me, who wasn't part of the group anymore (and she only had us three, so it's not like there were any other girls in the WP who I could hang out with), but I didn't say one word about it, and that's exactly how it should be, it was her day, and I wasn't going to cause her any stress.

    I just feel like here I am being there for all these girls, in their weddings, and when it's finally my time, I don't think I deserve this extra stress.

    Hopefully it won't come to me asking her to step down. All my other girls (I have 5 others) I orignally was going to have 5 BM's, but my FI is now having two BM and 4 GM, so I am having 2 friends from college, 2 from home, my sis-in-law, and my FI's sister...so I am having girls from all over the place, so she can't possibly feel left out, like I did at her wedding.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    In Response to Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..:
    [QUOTE]I know, my first reaction was W.T.F? I'm terrible at confrontation, but when we hang out next I'm going to ask her. I think she knows that I'm going to ask her, too. I'm sure it'll be fine, but I tend to overreact and think of worst-case scenarios (ie, "No, you're a big jerk and I quit our friendhsip!") for these kinds of things. Maybe--and I'm not hating on you here, really--she's running out of steam on the wedding talk. It's normal to want to talk about your wedding constantly, but maybe she's thinking, "There's a year+, no more wedding talk for awhile!" My friends kindly told me to shut up after awhile. But that's what we're here for :) You can talk weddings to your heart's content here.
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease[/QUOTE]

    WPP, you're totally right, but I honestly don't talk about the wedding unless someone asks me about it...and that's the honest truth.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    beagles, did you end up with just a MOH, or were you originally going to have 2 BM's and a MOH?

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    One thing I found during my planning, and I think other people have found the same, is that the people I thought would want to hear/talk about the wedding the most were not the people I ended up talking to the most. 

    My mother and sister(MOH) always seemed to change the subject.  Luckily one of my coworkers was hoping to get engaged so we were constantly talking about wedding stuff.  Then one of my friends from high school got engaged and we grew SO much closer through all the planning.  I am so glad I had the two of them!  My other MOH (best friend) was pretty good too, but since we are at such different places in our lives I tried not to talk about the wedding all the time (not sure how successful I was there!). 

    Just wanted you to know you are not alone and to suggest you try to focus on the positive and enjoy the people who do want to hear about your planning.  I do feel your pain though!!  It hurts when you have been there for someone and s ucked it up and they don't return the favor.  One of my BMs (whose wedding I was in two years ago) wasn't too interested, so she got the few official emails regarding shoes and whatnot and that's it.  She didn't come to the bacherorette party and she looks bored in half of the photos.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Fra, that must have been very frustrating. I have two MOH's as well, and they have been great, one is getting married in August (at Brookmeadow :) and the other got married last Oct, so they have been very helpful. Maybe she feels upset that she isn't a MOH? Anyway, it's hard on me because I am the type of person who goes out of their way to help others and get's hurt when I don't get it in return. But my FI keeps telling me that that will always happen in life. I guess I just either need to stop being so nice, or just learn to live with the consequences.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Goodness1. Show Goodness1's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    beagles, that sounds like such a difficult period of time for you.  I can only imagine your feelings of going through the whole wedding planning process, and have this weighing on your mind at the same time.  It's unfortunate and sad that your friendship with her had to end.  It sounds really toxic, though, and you are better off without her in your life bringing you down. 

    I'm sure that there are people out there, friends what have you, who we envy and who envy us.  But, there is a time when one can and should cut that type of negativity out of their life.  Do you feel better about yourself and your life? 
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from ilovebeagles. Show ilovebeagles's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Well, obviously there are two sides to every story, and I am not perfect in any way, and let things go way too long before I spoke up for myself. But in all honesty, our relationship had been very strained and stressful for me for over a year before I made my decision. But, you dont make a big decision like this with a friend of over 15 years lightly, right? I think our friendship - spanning 10 to 26 - during which you become very different people than where you started off as a normal part of life - had run its course for me. I am now grown up, expect certain things from friends like mutual respect and love, can speak up for myself, and am willing to take less crapp than I was before.
    I DEFINITELY feel better about myself and my life- as I said, it hurts me to say my life is better without her. But, it is. Less stress, less drama (as she constantly had drama and expected and wanted me to listen, understand etc.) and more time for myself, good times with friends etc. When I would hang out with her, I couldnt hang out with a lot of my other friends, as she "hated" friends a, b, c etc. So, it was generally just us hanging out, and she became so negative and nasty, that we never had fun anymore. I would come home tired and drained.


    To answer Sept's questions - I started and ended with 1 MOH and 1 BM. Just a switch in the BM. I asked a lovely friend of mine to be my bridesmaid, which I should have done from the beginning. She gratiously agreed. I hadnt previously asked anyone else as I knew Ex BM would be a pain and didnt want to subject any one to her. (great plan beags) I had BM pick out any black dress she wanted, and I paid for it and her makeup for the day!

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Sept2010Bride. Show Sept2010Bride's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    beagles...I have a friend, whom I'm not having in my wedding because I knew that she would cause drama, we are still friends, but a little rocky at the moment...she thinks I hate her, which I don't, but then again, I simply can not have everyone in my WP, and she just needs to realize that.

    I am glad you made the right decision for you. I have had to cut "toxic" people out of my life. And while at the time it is the hardest decision you have to make, in the long run, you realize it was the best decision you could have ever made for yourself.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

         The length of time until your wedding may be the key.  There really is no planning that involves most bridesmaids until the last 6 - 7 months including selection and purchase of bm gowns, and hosting a shower or bachelorette, if she is doing those with the other bm.   She may just feel uninvolved because you are talking about things so far away.  Having planned her own wedding fairly recently, she knows the timeline, and may take a sincere interest come February or March of 2010, just not yet.
         It could be she is temporarily preoccupied with things to do with her marriage - possible job loss or financial tightening of the belt with hubby, thinking about starting a family, buying a house, health problems.  These may be private between her and her husband, not for chat with even a good friend until things are settled between them. This happens with marriage, a level of sharing or intimacy between the husband and wife that takes over some things that used to be shared with friends - because telling you would invade HIS feeling of privacy. 
         Wait it out, rather than taking offense.  Unless she is openly hostile when you actually see each other, do not judge her by email and IM response changes.  That communication is not "real".  She is probably still your good friend inside.  A terrific friendship that lasts many years does change in nature over time, less constantly in communication,  but still very good and with strong feeling when you are together.  The test of your part of the relationship may be in giving space when she is not email / IM responsive, trusting that you can be friends still while she goes through some changes.
         Do enjoy your planning, it is a great time!
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    I hope that your concern with your bridesmaid is over concern for her and your long term friendship with her and not because you are concerned that she is "not going to be there for you" on your wedding day.  Truthfully, you really don't need her for anything, you just want her to share this special time with you and you are rightfully disappointed that she does not seem to want to.


    What you did for her during her pre-wedding planning and wedding is really irrelevant.  You do not do things for a reward or to be appreciated.  You do things because you want to do them and for the very good feelings you get doing kindnesses for others.

    There are many possible reasons for her change in behavior attitude and most of them probably don't have anything to do with your wedding.  I acknowledge that because its the first thing on your mind, its probably your go to reason for lots of things, but that is only one possibility out of many.  First, a lot of things have happened in your friends life this past year, too, starting with her marriage.  You don't want it to, but it can change your focus a bit.  She could be trying to get pregnant and having trouble, she could have had a miscarriage, she could be having issues with work, her husband, family, someone could be ill...it could ne nothing major or anything you did...for whatever reason she might just feel ready to move on.  I could go on and on, but will stop now!

    I'm not 100% clear--Did this change start when you got engaged, or looking back before then, where things already starting to change.  That might give you some insight into what is happening and why.


    But I think you need to go right to the source.  You need to talk to her.  When she returns one of your calls (and let the length of time it takes to call you back go for now), you have to ask her if everything is ok and what is going on.  Remember, you are concerned for her and what this is doing to your friendship.  If you really are good friends, you can truly say anything to her.  Believe me, after 48 years of having friendships with women, I know this much is true (mmm, isn't that a song?).

    Hope you can get to the bottom of this.  When you do, please come back and tell us, because now I am curioius!

     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    Gosh, I'd hope that any friend of yours would be "woman" enough to just say, "You know, I feel like it's kind of early to talk wedding plans, and I'm just not enjoying it" if that's, in fact, the case.  Why sulk, avoid, and give one word answers? 

    Sept, if I were you I'd just ask her point blank what the problem is (over coffee, not IM).  If you've been friends since 4th grade, there must have been other rocky moments in your relationship, I'd think.  So it makes sense to me that you could just ask her whassup?!  Am I missing something?

    ~kar


     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from ash. Show ash's posts

    Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..

    In Response to Re: Issues with a bridesmaid..:
    [QUOTE]Gosh, I'd hope that any friend of yours would be "woman" enough to just say, "You know, I feel like it's kind of early to talk wedding plans, and I'm just not enjoying it" if that's, in fact, the case.  Why sulk, avoid, and give one word answers?  Sept, if I were you I'd just ask her point blank what the problem is (over coffee, not IM).  If you've been friends since 4th grade, there must have been other rocky moments in your relationship, I'd think.  So it makes sense to me that you could just ask her whassup ?!  Am I missing something? ~kar
    Posted by kargiver[/QUOTE]
    Kargiver, while I agree with your initial paragraph in theory, I really don't think that most people are capable of telling a bride they are tired of talking about a wedding.  In addition, the friend did not ask us for advice about talking to the OP, the OP is the one with concerns.  So I agree wholeheartedly with your second bit of advice--just ask her!
     

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