Ok, so my uncle is really starting to get to me, and I need to vent.  Bear with me...I'm pretty angry so this may be long!

Said uncle, we'll call him Uncle Jerk, has always been the black sheep of the family, and pretty terrible to some of us at times.  My grandfather got really sick about 6 months ago, and for whatever reason he's been picking fights with my mom and other uncles since then.  He's been ok to me, until I got engaged.  First, when shower invites went out, he and his girlfriend called my mom and MOH multiple times to complain that their 8-year-old wasn't invited.  Needless to say, Uncle Jerk's trashy girlfriend didn't come to the shower.

Then wedding invites went out.  People starting receiving them on a Tuesday.  The next day, my parents got Uncle Jerk and Trashy Girlfriend's RSVP -- a decline.  They would have had to picked up their mail, filled out the card, and chased the mailman down asking him to get it out immediately for it to get to my parents' house that quickly.  Obviously they were trying to send a message.

Ok, fine, you don't want to come to my wedding.  No big deal.  But Uncle Jerk nearly ruined my shower.  My whole family was at the shower that day (including the men), so they asked Uncle Jerk to visit my grandfather, who was still in the hospital, and he agreed.  During my shower my grandmother gets the call that Uncle Jerk never came to visit my grandfather, and he spent the day alone.  I burst into tears at the thought of him lying in a hospital bed, alone and lonely all day.  Thankfully, my mom's friends saved the day and brought my grandmother up to see him after the shower.

And now here is where things get really bad.  I was actually dreading my wedding for quite awhile, because I was so afraid that my grandfather would be too sick to be there.  He's since had surgery, is doing great, and has every intention of being there.  Well, I found out that Uncle Jerk has been trying to talk him out of coming to my wedding.  Telling him he's too sick, he nearly died, and he's not ready to go to a wedding.  And that since Uncle Jerk isn't going, neither should my grandfather.  UGH.

Obviously my grandfather doesn't listen to a word he says, but the fact that he would go out of his way to hurt me like that is just appalling.  I'm thinking of sending him a letter and letting him know how I feel.  He's using my wedding as a way to give the big eff-you to my mom, and it's SO NOT RIGHT.

Sorry that was so long, but thanks to any of you who had the patience to read the whole thing!  LOL! 

If I were you, I would send a letter AFTER the wedding explaining to him how much he hurt you but in the end none of it ruined your day. Don't let him know how much this hurts you, because for some sick reason, it seems as though he is getting a rise out of you, and liking it.

Your grandfather is going to the wedding, and that is what's most important. Your wedding is soclose, just ignore Uncle Jerk (if you can), wait a couple of days until after your wedding (I know you aren't going on your HM till Oct) and then write him an honest letter, without flipping out, explaining to him how this was completely unecessary, hurtful, etc etc, and that you missed him at the wedding.

That is what I would do. I am sure some of the girls will not agree with me and tell you to confront him now. But I honestly think that will bring on more stress and a HUGE fight before your wedding and you do.not.need.that.....

Dude. Family stuff just s*cks. Out of all my family members only two are coming. Too much trouble for the rest of them.

One thing I can say about the Uncle Jerks of the world, they are sick individuals and its not about hurting you as it is hurting anyone that isn't himself. He sure sounds like he's pretty indiscriminant with being hurtful.

Try, do try, not to take it personally, even though I've always found that so hard to do. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. However, it sounds like you're surrounded by lots of other loving family members.

I agree with Sept.  As hurtful as this is to you and your mom now, please try not to let this get to you.  Unfortunately, it completely sounds as if he's trying to get a rise out of you and your family, which is terrible unfortunate.  Shame on him!  Spoiling one of the most important times in your and your family's life?  NO!  So awful.  I think it's important for him to know how much he hurt you, but try and keep this to yourself until after the wedding.  Don't fall into the trap that he's just waiting on...

That stinks, and I'm sure it is really hard for you when you just want to be all happy right now. Try and not let it bother you until after the wedding...it is really  his loss, and it sounds like everyone knows it.

Your grandfather will be at your wedding, and that is a beautiful thing that will mean a lot to all of you - focus on that, and give Uncle Jerk a piece of your mind later. Or don't - after the fact you may just decide you dont want any negativity.
And remember nothing can ruin your wedding day unless you let it!!!

kmt, I think we're related!

It took me a long time to realize that the issues of the Aunts & Uncles Jerks were their own and had nothing to do with me. Obviously, your Uncle Jerk is an insecure, selfish, childish man. How sad for him.

You know your family dynamics better than we do, so you know what's appropriate. If you have to see him, maybe you can just ignore him. If you can avoid him, then you can cut out that element of stress from your life.

It seems liked everyone else knows that he's a jerk. Your grandpa isn't disuaded from his uncouth suggestions.

Really, you win here. Don't let difficult people make you feel badly. Everyone knows that he's difficult and that you're not. Uncle Jerk won't be at your wedding and your grandpa will be--it sounds like you'll have a great time!

Well that does stink.  Uncle Jerk.  I think there's at least one in every family because there are so many thoughtless jerks in the world...they have to be family to someone.  :(

I'm thankful to hear your grampa is doing so much better and that his prognosis is not only good but that it's good enough to probably be able to attend.  I hope you will not dread your wedding either way, though.

About Uncle Jerk, get the anger out and let it go.  He's a sour puss who likes to make everyone else around him as miserable as he is.  You not only ruin YOUR day, you make HIS day to be ticked, hurt, and sad.  Dismiss it with a shrug and a wee bit of pity for Uncle Jerk - he has to deal with himself 100% of every day.  UGH.

Blessings, kmt!

~kar

KMT - I think you did the best thing possible, vent on here all you need & get it out.  The ladies here are a great sounding board!  I agree with Liz that you don't want to feed into this thing, especially in the time before the wedding!  I have some pretty low down in laws who were bent on causing enourmous trouble.  I never let on that I knew, I just tried cleaning it up & warning those close to me to avoid them as well.
Also, I just wanted to say how happy I am that your gramps is doing so much better!  I know how hard it was on you that he was doing so poorly, and you must be SO relieved/excited that he will be there with you!!  Yay!!!

I'm glad you have a place to come vent! Uncle Jerk really sounds like a monster.  In my family, we have more of an Auntie Jerk, but I'll spare you the stories.  In the end, I hope your grandfather can make it to the wedding and that you have an amazing day!  Believe me, your awful uncle will not even cross your mind on the day of!!

I am sorry you are going through this now.  Clearly Uncle Jerk has issues that have nothing to do with you or your wedding and he is trying to use your wedding as another way to get your family's focus on his grievances.  I know this is easier said then done but let go of your feelings about Uncle Jerk and his inexcusable behavior before it interferes any more with your wedding.  Your grandfather is not listening to Uncle Jerk and thankfully (!!!) is well enough to attend your wedding.  This is what you want most and Uncle Jerk has not succeeded in taking this away from you or your grandfather.  Venting in a letter to Uncle Jerk will only give him more attention and this is what he wants.  It does not sound like anything you could say in this letter would have any impact on his behavior so do not waste your time or emotional energy on this.  I suspect that if instead of using your time to think about what you want to say and writing to Uncle Jerk you spent this time with your grandfather you will look back and be much happier that you used this before your wedding to be with someone who loves you and is happy about your marriage.  Good Luck!

One more thing about Uncle Jerk that I forgot to mention:  he's also my godfather.  Lovely, isn't it?  :)

Anyway, you ladies are awesome.  Thanks for letting me vent and for all the great advice!  I feel so much better.  When I wrote my original post I was hell-bent on calling him or writing him a letter, but everything you all said convinced me that it's probably not a great idea right now.  I doubt he'd have much to say to me about it, but the more I think about it I'm worried about him taking it out on my mom.

I've always had a really hard time holding my tongue when I see someone doing something lousy.  I have no problem calling someone out when they're being rude or mean to me or to someone else.  So it's been tough to just sit back and listen to everything my uncle has been doing without saying a word.  I think the reason that I thought it would be a good idea to say something to him was that it would shock him.  He wouldn't expect it from me at all.  But you're all right...it's better for me to just ignore him and his behavior, especially a few weeks before my wedding.  I have a feeling that most of my family won't be talking to him anymore anyway after everything he's done.

And thank you all so much for rooting for my grandfather all this time...it definitely helped!  The progress he has made is incredible.  He looks, acts, and talks like he did 5 years ago.  It's the best feeling in the world to see him smile and hear him laugh like he used to...I really missed that.  He's one tough, stubborn, old man, that's for sure! 

Kmt, like yourself I have a really really really hard time holding my toungue when someone does something to p*ss me off or something that I know is wrong. The very first thing I want to do is call them, email them, do anything I can to let them know how wrong they are, how they are ridiculous, how they are acting so unbelievably stupid and wrong, and etc etc etc....

BUT...then my FI taught me a good lesson. He told me that if you don't step back and think about your anger/feelings/hurt, etc...then you will say something you don't mean or it will become a much bigger problem than it already is.

The more I think about it, when someone does something to me (you), and it makes you so angry, that all you want to do is explode in their face, take some time to think about it....these people are acting in ways to hurt you; do not give them the satisfaction of knowing that what they are doing is consuming your life, even if it does! I know it sounds silly to potentially "hide" your feelings from your offender, but I feel as though I have learned through experiences that if someone is hurting me, and they have absolutely no remorse for doing so, then why should I let them know how much they are hurting me, if at the end of the day, they really could care less about my feelings.

What I am trying to say here is, that, enjoy your day. In the end, he may be getting something out of this by trying to "ruin" it...but in the end, he won't...and that will hurt him more than it could ever hurt you, he will fail.

I hope this makes sense.

Liz, it definitely makes sense!  You're absolutely right.  And your FI is smart; he gave you some good advice.  You never want to say or do anything without thinking about it first.  I always do this...the way I see it, you can't ever take back your words.  You never want to say something and then regret it, because that other person will remember it forever, whether you meant it or not.  

My uncle has been pulling this cr*p for awhile now, so it's had some time to sink in.  I knew what I wanted to say to him, and it all sounded good, but you're right...he probably will get some satisfaction out of knowing he got to me.  I admit it...it really hurts that he'd go out of his way to do this to me, when I've done nothing to him, ever.  But telling him that won't change anything.  I'd like to think it would, but it won't.  People as heartless as he is don't ever change.

But I do take some satisfaction in knowing that he asked everyone in my family how the shower went.  And nobody would tell him.  So it's on his mind.  It'll be interesting to see what happens after my wedding. 

In Response to Re: Issues with a family member.:


Very good advice, Sept. I think a lot of people have a hard time holding their tongue, which is undertandable when someone is hurting them.

Kmt, I really hope everything works out. I don't know much about your grandfathers situation, but it seems as though it was very important for him to be there, and that is the most important thing right now :)

In Response to Re: Issues with a family member.:

Thanks Peonie, I appreciate it!  Long story short: my grandfather was hospitalized with complications from diabetes earlier this year, turned out he needed open heart surgery.  He wasn't doing well at all and we were worried, but he did great in surgery and has been making awesome progress!  And through the whole thing he still talked about my wedding as if he was planning on being there.  You're absolutely right...it was important for him to be there, and he will be. :)

That's great! I am very happy for you that everything worked out :) It will make your wedding that much better!

Thank you!  I was dreading it for awhile, because I couldn't imagine walking down the aisle and not seeing him there.  But now that I know I'll get to see him sitting there all healthy and happy gives me something to look forward to.  :)

Uncle Jerks come in female versions too.

Ultimately the best revenge is being happy, esp. because you are and because their goal is to make everyone possible miserable.  And what better way to get back at your mom, than by hurting her child.  So for your mothers sake and your own...be happy about all you are gaining and all the wonderful support you are receiving as you prepare to be married.

My best to you - and to Uncle Jerks -  because wouldn't it really frost him if he actually was happy when he's so used to using his miserable life as a crutch , an excuse and a toxin to poison everyone elses life.

Vent here any time.

When it's super hard to hold your tongue, oftentimes it's worse for the person when you succeed with that than if you go off on them.  They want attention, and when you succeed at holding your tongue, they choose to get even more upset - and you haven't done a thing!  It's beautiful in its simplicity.

So, when you are extra tempted, resist and relax knowing you've done a lot more to them by that than by saying what is bursting to get out of your mouth.