Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from teacherinmass. Show teacherinmass's posts

    Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    So I just got a facebook invite to a Jack and Jill... the typical $20 to enter, cash bar, raffles, games to play, DJ. I've never understood these fundraisers for weddings, but they are popular in the town I grew up in. I've never been invited to one before, but I was especially surprised to be included in this one because I know I'm not invited to the wedding (small wedding and the bride already mentioned that the guest list is small).
    With a Jack and Jill, is it common to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding?
    Are you expected to bring an engagement/shower gift? I've never been to one, so I'm not sure if people usually do.
    I'm still debating if I want to attend, as it all just seems a little odd to me.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    I have no personal experience with Jack and Jill events so can't address your question about whether it's customary to bring a gift.  But as to the question of being invited to the shower and not the wedding, that is incredibly tacky and screams of gift grubbing.  It's up to you whether or not to attend, of course, but I'd send a card wishing the couple well and refrain from buying into that nonsense.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from EnjoyEverySandwich. Show EnjoyEverySandwich's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding


    What is a jack-and-jill? 

    I don't really get it -- if you can't afford a fancy wedding, then elope, or have a small intimate wedding, or get married at city hall and then host a party at your home.  But don't ask other people to fund your event, that's just crazy.  Not to mention greedy.  And tacky.

    If you're not invited to the wedding, I definitely wouldn't bring a gift, unless you are super close to the couple involved and were planning to give a gift regardless.   It seems to me the entry fee would be gift enough.

     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    i've never heard of a Jack & Jill fundraiser type shower.  to me it sounds tacky and gift grubby, especially where you aren't invited to the wedding.   i would send along my regrets...no card/no gift, just regrets.  

    i've heard of jack & jill bridal showers...where men & women are invited, as well as "greenback bridal showers" where money is the requested gift for the couple..and both are run along the lines of traditional bridal showers..no entry fees, games, raffles, etc...  

     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    Yes, I have never really heard of a shower (or party for that matter) with a cover charge.  I *might* consider going if I was invited to the wedding, but yeah there is NO WAY I'd go if I was not.  If you do decide to go and pay the $20 fee, I would not bring a gift.  I'd consider my $20 entry fee to the party my "gift" to them in that case.

    Wow, I've only heard of these on theknot.com and I have *never* heard of them in New England.  I figured they were a regional tradition elsewhere.  Go figure.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    One of my friends had one. She is from the Worcester area and they are apparently popular in that area.  I went b/c I was in the wedding. It was more of a combined bachelor/bachelorette party, cost about $20 to get in [and you paid for your own food and drink].  The 'entry fee' was more to cover the cost of the venue and the DJ; I doubt they made any profit that they used to cover the wedding. It was organized by one of the bride's sisters.  I found it kind of tacky, but we did have fun.  Had it not been customary in her family and area, I doubt she would have had one.  They paid for their own wedding and, again, I seriously doubt they made any profit from this party.  The only people who were invited were the younger people who were invited to the wedding and immediate family. 

    I did not bring a  gift.  I gave a gift at the shower and wedding. I don't think you need to bring one. If you want to go, go and have fun. But if you don't want to go, stay home.  I personally woudn't go to a party like this where I was only invited b/c of my checkbook.  If these people really wanted to celebrate w/ you, they would have invited you to the wedding.  Since they are having a small wedding, it's kind of gross to have a party like this which is being used to fund a better party w/ a select group of invitees.  HTH.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    Yes, it's inappropriate to invite anyone to a shower (especially a J&J, imo) and not invite them to the wedding.  There's no wrong way to handle it from your perspective; do what you want as far as attending and gift giving.  They are rude to even invite you in the first place - raising funds for their special day that you will not be a part of - so that cancels out any etiquette rules for you regarding gifts.  If it were me, I'd be busy that day and decline unless I really cared a LOT for these people and wanted to totally excuse their bad behavior.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    I have heard of Jack-and-Jills and think they are a great idea. Especially given that its a small wedding its a way to get together with the community and is a real community-based event. 
    I know its hard to understand a community-based event to people from the big city where its all self-self-self. But community-centered places still do exist, thankfully. 
    To counter above comments I must admit that I have never heard of a wedding shower (and still don't see the point now its been explained to me), so I suppose "different strokes for different folks". I am very much in favor of Jack-and-Jills over the concept of a shower any day of the week. 
    Don't bring a gift though. 

     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from plasko. Show plasko's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    In Response to Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding:
    Yes, it's inappropriate to invite anyone to a shower ( especially a J&J, imo) and not invite them to the wedding.  There's no wrong way to handle it from your perspective; do what you want as far as attending and gift giving.  They are rude to even invite you in the first place - raising funds for their special day that you will not be a part of - so that cancels out any etiquette rules for you regarding gifts.  If it were me, I'd be busy that day and decline unless I really cared a LOT for these people and wanted to totally excuse their bad behavior.
    Posted by kargiver


    I completely disagree with you. They have already said its a small wedding so this is a loophole way to have a party with everyone. Its exactly the opposite of rude, its over-and-above being nice, in fact. You sound a bit like the witch who had her invitation under the rug and wants revenge!
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    I find it hard to believe you've never heard of a wedding shower but somehow have heard of a Jack and Jill.

    If people really want a 'community based' event, they have cake and punch in the church basement after the wedding. Or they could just be normal social folks and invite people over for a cocktail party or BBQ a few months after the wedding.  The wedding and days leading up to it is not the last chance these folks will have to ever have a party or invite people over.  There is no need to have a party w/ an entrance fee, the sole reason for the fee being to earn money for the wedding itself.  If you want to 'celebrate w/ the community' in advance of the wedding, that's great, but don't charge your 'guests' and 'entry fee' if you do so. 
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kinga9. Show kinga9's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    Personally plasko, I have never thrown a party (birthday, holiday, etc. ) where I expected people to pay for their own meal, so thinking that this Jack & Jill is just an extended invitation to celebrate with those who couldn't be invited to the small wedding is strange to me. It's also hypocritical...you either want to celebrate with the community or not, not have one party for the "ultra-exclusive members" and one for the rest of the schmucks. That's having your cake and eating it too.

    I don't come from a small community, so perhaps I have no ground to stand on, but a wedding is not a celebration where I feel I need to celebrate with members of my community. That sounds cult-ish to me...but again, I don't come from a small community.

    I also think that using Facebook for an invitation says a lot too...they couldn't take the time to show they cared about your invitation, then why should you take the time to get a gift and go. FB is great for many things, but an invitation to a Jack & Jill is another...it's a slippery slope going nowhere good.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    plasko, I hear you, but strictly from an etiquette perspective, it's rude to invite anyone to the shower who isn't invited to the wedding.  That's due to the fact that these parties are gift giving events and it's not fair to expect a gift from people who aren't invited to the wedding.  You're welcome to disagree with the rule, but it's not me you're disagreeing with, it's accepted wedding etiquette.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    Here's the difference, as I undestand it:
    Wedding shower=helping a couple set up a household/foundation for their life together. 
    Jack-and-Jill=helping a couple throw a better wedding party for one day together.

    The focus should be on the marriage, not the wedding!  Personally, I think it's pretty selfish and anything but community-minded to throw a fundraiser for a wedding you can't afford (why else would you need to have a Jack and Jill event? Unless I'm missing the point of a Jack-and-Jill...but as the OP phrased it, I understood it was to help raise money for the wedding). 


     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    That is what they are for, and, therefore, everyone attending should definitely be invited to the event they are raising money for.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    Jack & Jill is a type of bridal shower where men & women who are invited to the wedding, NOT meant to be a fundraiser.  it is run/to be run the same way any other bridal shower is run. 

    plasko..i find it hard to believe that you've never heard of a wedding/bridal shower. 

    in the "old days" (before 1980) there used to be "themed" bridal showers...such as a "linen shower", a "kitchen shower" or a "bathroom shower" where gifts were given based on the theme...linens being given @ the linen shower, kitchen items given @ the kitchen shower, etc....showers were smaller, more intimate affairs held in someone's home, usually w/coffee/tea/pastries, maybe finger sandwiches, etc...bridal registries did exist, but weren't computerized, and nowhere over the top compared to today...
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    In Response to Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding:
    Jack & Jill is a type of bridal shower where men & women who are invited to the wedding, NOT meant to be a fundraiser.  it is run/to be run the same way any other bridal shower is run. 

    Laryan, that's what I always thought, too.  But it seems as though it also has a different (tacky!) meaning.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from allreadymarried. Show allreadymarried's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    I agree that a jack and jill is a type of bridal shower where men and women are invited.  But I disagree and do believe the intent is to raise money. 
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from laryan. Show laryan's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    maybe its me, but i think it is tacky when someone has to hold "fundraisers" no matter what one labels the "fuction" to pay for a wedding...

      
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    I agree with Kar completely.

    This actually happened to me too, twice. We weren't close to either couple, but some how ended up on the guest lists. I was offended that we were invited to their Jack & Jills. It felt like we weren't good enough for them to pay for us to come to their wedding but good enough to pay to come to their party. One of them basically phrased it as "Weddings are expensive, let's help the couple out." It just really rubbed me the wrong way.

    We didn't go to either party. I don't love the idea of Jack & Jills to begin with, but I am a firm believer that no one gets invited to any pre-wedding festivities unless they're getting invited to the wedding.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    In Response to Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding:
    I agree that a jack and jill is a type of bridal shower where men and women are invited.  But I disagree and do believe the intent is to raise money. 
    Posted by allreadymarried

    Strictly speaking, you're right - it's a shower where men and women are invited, not just for the bride and the women.  However, many J&Js have a cover fee associated with them to raise money for the wedding, too.

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    I'm from upstate NY and jack & jills are the thing to do there. That said, I've always thought they were weird. My cousin had a "cover" associated with his j&j, though I don't think that's the norm. It's just very uncomfortable; people are going to give you a gift, but you feel the need to shake them down at the door too?

    teacherinmass, I'd decline that particular invitation, especially since you're not invited to the wedding! The only exception of shower-but-no-wedding invitations is work (IMHO). My bosses threw me a work shower with people from our small department, and I think a lot of people's offices do that. They gave me a group gift cert to Macy's.

    You know what's also a thing in upstate NY? This is a little embarrassing, but...no one really writes thank you notes there. Truth. My DH had to teach me how to write TYNs when I moved here. It's not that people are jerks, it's just...well, you say thank you when you go next door to return the cup of sugar you borrowed the other day. It's a different world, I tell ya!
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    @Whirled: are you also supposed to bring a gift to the Jack and Jill shower in upstate NY? Or just come and party?
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    Yup, Green Mountain, you're supposed to bring a gift. There's food, music, and the normal shower gift-opening.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    The J&J without the cover charge is just like a regular shower except that the groom and other men are there, too, and the gifts are more couple oriented than bride-centric.  The guest list should be a small subset of the wedding list.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Jack and Jill? But not invited to the wedding

    Oh honey, don't go to that. That's just not right if you're not invited to the wedding! Or go and then about month later have them over for dinner but make them pay for the groceries and bring you a house-warming gift. Pretty much the same thing.
     
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