Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from lisasull79. Show lisasull79's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    You sound like a sensitive, smart and perceptive person and your suspicions were validated (albeit a year later).  You're probably 100-percent right about her and their marriage.  Nevertheless, it's her life, and you can't judge her. If you care about her, just be supportive.  The last thing you want is her to fear an "I told you so" from you when it finally dawns on her that she's a stepford.  
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from venforknot. Show venforknot's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    In Response to Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?:
    [QUOTE]  I dutifully took the advice of nearly everyone and recieved accolades on setting everything up and my speech.
    Posted by Seagate--83[/QUOTE]

    I sense this is far less about your friend and her hair and her happiness than about something internal with you and has been from the beginning. Why tell all of us about your pat on the back for your speech on someone else's wedding day? Trying not to be harsh, but maybe you should worry about your own hair color before you look too hard at her roots. Heck, people change, that's why they make hair dye, colored contacts, clothes! So what if she wants to be a bleach blondie for her husband to be all over her?  let her be happy or unhappy without your further input. you said what you have to say...now don't be that "i told you so" friend if they break-up or even worse, if they stay together.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Seagate,

    First of all, thanks for the update.  I LOVE when we get an update about a post......

    I personally don't understand why everyone acts like you don't have the right (and the responsibility ?) to talk honestly with a close friend you've known since childhood.   I agree with you -- age, time, and money may change your appearance and your interests, but you basically don't change from Sporty Spice to Barbie without some outside influences.

    When I was young (26) and engaged, my oldest friend -- since babyhood -- took me out for a quiet dinner one night and said, "So, I just have to ask, WHY are you getting married?" 

    Turns out, I had no good answer for her and after a lot of soul searching, called off the engagement. 

    If I had gone ahead with it, she would still be there for me, like you are for your friend, never saying "I told you so" but she knows you "get it".

    The older you get, and the more crap that life throws at you, the more you appreciate your true friends.  You are a good one!

    Best! 
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Good friends, under some circumstances, might choose to tell a girlfriend that her boyfriend is bad news, but once they say "I do," there's no altruistic point whatsoever to telling a friend she shouldn't have married her husband.  Even if they get divorced at some point, it won't be because the friend pointed out they needed one, and until then, there's just this big elephant between the friends.  People who need a divorce do not need their friends to inform them that's what they need.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    if this friend has always been a "pleaser"- then her personality hasn't changed at all.
    What has changed is the person who she is trying to please. Of course it would be wonderful if this friend finally decided that she needs to please herself before she pleases others, but the simple fact is that her husband and her marriage is not the problem. The problem is that she puts the wants and needs of other people before her own. If she divorces this guy, she'll just go on her merry way trying to please the next.
    So, if you're going to bring up the ways she's changed for her husband, you should also bring up the ways she changed to please her parents, friends and past boyfriends. If you truly think that her pattern of pleasing behavior is destructive, put it in the full context of all the years you've known her. If all that bothers you are the most recent changes, then you just don't like her husband.

    and it's not all that odd to go from tomboy to Barbie. I hated skirts right up until college, then I developed the confidence to explore my femininity. Now I wear skirts and dresses almost every day. Your friend may be experiencing a newfound confidence or desire for change because of her marriage- in a good way. Sometimes change is good. Clothes and hairstyles don't change who you are on the inside. Embracing femininity and sexuality can be very empowering.

     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Good friends, under some circumstances, might choose to tell a girlfriend that her boyfriend is bad news, but once they say "I do," there's no altruistic point whatsoever to telling a friend she shouldn't have married her husband. 

    Really? Even if he becomes abusive, physically or verbally? Sometimes people can't see the forest for the trees and get into a bad situation. When her best friend doesn't ever express any concern, a woman might just think it's all in her head and let the abuse continue. I'm sorry, but that's really not a useful dictate. Sometimes things change after the ink is dry on the marriage certificate and people's true colors shine through.

    Note: I don't mean there is abuse in this case. I don't think there is. I do think that the friend opened the door to the discussion and the OP was right to give her honest opinion. Then let it go. You can't control what people do, just your reactions to it.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Scenario:

    Five girlfriends sitting at a restuarant.  Friend 6 walks in with a bag containing a Victoria's Secret "outfit" and a blonde bob wig that her husband bought her for Valentine's Day. 

    We all collapse in screaming, pant-peeing, mascara-running laughter.  This is secret good-girlfriend language for "your husband is clueless and you shouldn't have married him, but you're stuck now, so let's have cocktails." 

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    The point is, she raised it w/ her before the wedding and the friend brushed it off.  She said something again when the friend said something about her DH's Valentine's wish.  The friend brushed it off again.  It's time to let it go.  She wants to play blonde bombshell for her DH. Let her.  I really don't see what all the fuss is about.  



     
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Yeah, really.  If there's abuse and the wife can't see the forest for the trees, the friend pointing it out isn't going to be an ah-ha moment.  It's going to put a wedge between her and her friend.  It's up to the wife to say something to her friend about it, not the other way around.

    ETA:  No one spinning yarns for excuses about the latest bruise or why they can't ever leave the house (or whatever else) is going to react to a friend saying, "You know, I think you're in an abusive marriage," with, "Gosh, really?  I had no idea.  Thanks!  Now, maybe I'll get my life on track."  It's more like, "Mind your own business, you don't know what you're talking about!  Oh, and you're not my friend anymore.  Get away from me."

    And, if the marriage is just the run of the mill "unfortunate mistake" - same deal.  "You don't know him, how dare you presume to know anything about our marriage...blah, blah, blah."  Then, there's one giant elephant in the room between friends.  What's helpful about that?
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    I think comparing this situation to abuse is a bit harsh.  Of course, if someone is in an abusive relationship, that is a completely different story and our advice would be very different. But OP is just unhappy that her friend has changed and doesn’t approve of her behavior.   Her friend is happily married.  That’s VERY different than an abusive relationship. 

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from RedFishBlueFish. Show RedFishBlueFish's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Right. But by the logic of "never under any circumstances," the friend shouldn't be honest, even if the wife asks. I don't see that as sensible or valuable.

    Becoming married doesn't mean that you should be given steel armour against your friends. They're friends for a reason.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Yes, never say never.  OK, one should keep their "gosh, you could have done so much better," thought to themselves.  It doesn't make anyone a good friend to say that.  And, I'd think it would be obvious that if I walked in on a knife fight I'd say something about it, right after I dialed 911, without my qualifying my opinion about leaving things be.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from Leila32. Show Leila32's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Good lord, keep the conversation in context.  Kargiver was clearly referring to the OP’s situation, not some hypothetical person in an abusive relationship.

    I find that meddling in other people’s relationships does more harm than good.  I’m sorry, but nobody has the right to judge another person’s relationship, even if it’s a close friend (unless its incest or the like, than a court of law has the right to judge that relationship).  The OP wrote: “her fiancé is a lot of fun as well and takes very good care of her.”  That should be the main concern and anything else is none of your business.  You can’t pick your family and you can’t pick your friends partners.

    10 years ago I had purple hair and played bass in a punk rock band.  Now I have a corporate job and wear a suit to work.  People change.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    In Response to Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?:
    [QUOTE] 10 years ago I had purple hair and played bass in a punk rock band.   Now I have a corporate job and wear a suit to work.   People change.
    Posted by Leila32[/QUOTE]

    You are awesome! :)
    I used to have pink hair (and purple, blonde, blue...)- sometimes I wish I still did.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    I'm still not clear on whether she said anything before the wedding.
    Either way, not sure where the nastiness is coming from.  Personally I think it's extremely weird for a husband to give his wife a photo of the way he'd like her to cut her hair.  DH would get a "That's nice dear" and then I wouldn't give said haircut a second thought.
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    This past summer, she cut like 6 inches off her virgin brunette hair and went blonde. Like REALLY blonde. When we went out, I tried to address the issue and she just said that she loved feeling attractive for Sam (he clearly has a thing for blondes) and felt she wanted to try something new for once in her life. She has been a blonde since, not that its a bad think- she looks great.

    This if from the first post, Fra. IT's there in black and white.  And apparently the friend looks good as a blonde, so I don't see what the big deal is.  A woman wants to look attractive for her husband!???? Stop the presses and call in the intervention team!

    My DH has made hair requests before.  He begs me each time I go to the salon not to cut it short.  I'd love a pixie, but he hates really short hair.  I have a short bob - he gets some length and I  get ease of styling b/c it's not long. :-)
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    If he were to show me a picture like that I'd hear, "Honey, I'd want to rip your clothes off every time I saw you with your hair like that - it would be such a huge turn on!  How about it?"  He wouldn't have to ask me again.  ;)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    I don't think it's weird for her to go from tomboy to bombshell overnight. In high school,  my hair was various colors of the rainbow, I wore lots of plaid pants, spiked dog collars, blue eye makeup, and Bad Religion t-shirts. Then in college I started wearing dresses and heels and normal makeup. Other people freaked out, kind of like this girl, but it was what I wanted to do.

    I don't think this friend is so upset that the woman is pleasing her husband; she's just not pleasing this friend anymore. Maybe the specific hair requests are a little Hitchcock's Vertigo, but the girl is enjoying herself  being all sultry for her husband, so just let her. She admits that the husband is a good guy who treats her well, so what's the problem if she enjoys wearing heels?

    My DH has made hair and outfit requests too and d a m n right I'm going to wear a certain pair of pants if he tells me my bum looks good in them.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    WPP, I totally agree - I believe turning each other on, even if that involves a little compromise (if the jeans weren't your first choice, for instance), is key to a long, healthy, fun marriage.  And, if we are discouraged from telling each other what does it for us by always having our requests dismissed that's unfortunate. 

    Of course, there are exceptions so I guess I should add that if your spouse says something like, "Please eat colloidal silver so you turn all blue like Smurfette.  She was HOT."  Don't consider turning yourself permanently blue no matter how big a crush your man ever had on Smurfette.

    Hair grows out.  Colloidal silver is forever.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from SOEngaged. Show SOEngaged's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Wow!  I'm surprised at the similar responses here!  I guess it depends on how close OP and her friend are, but IMO, there's nothing wrong with having a talk with her - I just wouldn't make it high-pressure and corner her, but  I don't see anything wrong with OP and her friend going out to dinner and just talking, bringing it up casually...even somewhat joking "remember what a tomboy you used to be?!" and then from there maybe she'll reveal things.  At the same time, it doesn't seem like OP "doesn't approve" of her friend's decisions/choices, etc...it sounds like OP just wants to know that her friend isn't becoming something she (katie) doesn't want to be.  I think that's genuine friendship....concern for one another and ensuring true happiness.  OP even says that she likes Sam, thinks he's a great guy...I think everyone here is judging too much.  I also disagree with not being able to say anything about anyone's marriage after they get married.  Let's remember not all ceremonies have the "...or forever hold your piece"...mine did not.  And if a good friend of mine started drastically changing (for example, after she actually got married) you bet your bottom dollar I'd ask her about her marriage...a true friend cares whether or not you're happy....whether you're married or not.  I also don't think OP was wrong to "unleash" as someone quoted all of her feelings; her friend opened up to her, and there's no reason NOT to have a conversation about it if you're a true friend, IMHO.
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    but if her friend isn't acting unhappy and her personality hasn't changed, why would OP think she wasn't happy?

    and while she did say that Sam was a great guy, why imply that it was wrong or strange of him to suggest a new hairstyle or outfit to her, or that it was wrong or strange for her friend to agree with the suggestion?

    I agree that friends should be interested in the well-being of friends, but I think I'd be annoyed and hurt if everytime I changed my hair or clothing style my friend asked "Is your husband trying to change you? Are you unhappy?"
    I do think friends are free to ask about big changes in a casual way, but the post was titled "Ok to Have a Serious Discussion", and that makes me think of interventions or cornering.

     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from ChipperJonesLives. Show ChipperJonesLives's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    Wow... Just wow....

    This has to be up there with an episode of 90210. The statement about the "Southern Belle Barbie" stereotype is rather offensive, being from GA myself. In fact- it sounds to me like the woman writing these posts either has issues of her own that she needs to deal with or is a man-hating activist who wears army boots and thick black plastic glasses (in which case I feel sorry for her SO).

    I will proudly say that I have changed my looks for my fi before. Including but not limited to cutting and coloring my hair in a way he likes, which has meant significantly lightening my almost raven colored hair to caramels and blondes and adding layers that are a complete pain to deal with and style. All for OH DEAR, a man. I will openly attest that my little makeover had an immediate improvement on our love life and was probably the best $275 I ever spent.

    Maybe I was raised differently, but I was taught be happy with yourself first and make your man happy second. And it has worked for me my whole life so far. It sounds like this girl's friend was raised the same way. What's wrong with that? I believe it is my personal responsiblility to make sure my fi is attracted to me and he should feel the same way and act accordingly (he does).

    Why is it there is wide social context up here that we are supposed to minimize our feminity and it is completely counter productive in empowering women to be traditional, remotely submissive or that the "barbie look" puts us back. Frankly- I feel the exact opposite; I know that if I am both articulate and attractive I will recieve more attention and respect, concurrently.

    Its all very personal, but I work with girls every day that would have men breaking the door down for them and would probably be taken much more seriously by myself and other colleagues if they wore some contacts and makeup and took some time to style their hair and wear clothing that flattered them; let alone pondering what a good dye job would do.

    All I am saying is that our feminity and ability to activate allure, as women, is something that makes us special. I applaud this Katie girl, she knew that if she gave her husband what she wanted she'd benefit in more ways than one as would their relationship.

    I just hope she's ok with the salon bills.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from ChipperJonesLives. Show ChipperJonesLives's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    For the record, I've never commented; but this was far too good to pass up.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e. Show 2ada63d622e89774a9fdcbc90527ab8e's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    I'm with Cosmo and others; I don't think that MOH is wrong to worry. The manicure and heels don't bother me. Other than the North Pacific area, New England is the most low-key area of the country in terms of dressing up. I went to professional meetings all over the country where I was the only senior woman without a professional manicure and tall high heels.

    Asking your wife to be blonde isn't a bad thing either, but showing up with a picture of Christina Aguilara isn't a great sign. If MOH wants to be a good friend she should stay in touch and listen, but not interfere. However, if it turns out that the bride is in the marriage for the long term, but wants a confidant with whom she can share her (former) (true) identity and talk behind her husband's back, then that's a very uncomfortable kind of friendship. The "I told you so" feelings are uncharitable and may be a sign that the friendship can't exist in its former state. I don't think it's ever wrong, though, to give a reality check to a friend who asks for one.

    Eventually there will be aging and other changes that can't be overcome by grooming and makeup but this is the choice the bride made and she'll need to walk that path. If my husband ever shows up with a picture I hope it's of Jeanne Deneuve.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from FisherCatBrat. Show FisherCatBrat's posts

    Re: Maid of Honor- Ok to Have a Serious Discussion?

    I dated a guy like this once; he was actually the second longest relationship I’ve ever had other than my husband.  We ended up being very serious, but never taking the next step. Over the years he asked for the “Rachel” shag and the “Buffy bob” and he was also very big on blonde hair too. I usually tried to oblige him with something that was still in my comfort range but he would still like. When he first starting asking I thought it was kind of weird, until my stylist told me how common it actually was for guys to do that and some just have hair fetishes; this was way back in the 90’s, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the same now. Only once did I give him what he really wanted and it was before we went on a vacation together when I thought he might propose (he didn’t). He loved it but I didn’t and as soon as my roots began showing significantly I darkened it again and let it grow out, much to his dismay. But he got over it.

    I’d say that in one shape or another, this kind of thing is common and happens all the time and in different ways. My husband is a big health nut and eventually had me running and dieting with him which has slimmed me down quite a bit over the years, which I know he loves. And growing up- my mother couldn’t stand facial hair and would complain any time my dad was scruffy or tried to grow a moustache or beard. This all sounds pretty average to me, the question is- how long can the friend take it in her marriage, and will it ever stop? I imagine also once the husband get what he wants, he’ll want it to stay that way, but will she? I’ll admit, it was one of several factors that contributed to my previous relationship ending, it wasn’t a deal-breaker but it did certainly get old being asked to change my hairstyle to be trendy. I know for a fact my ex ended up marrying a woman who was a perfect match for him and gives him exactly what he wants and she is very much a “pleaser”. But I am very happy for them because any time we ever visit (we stayed good friends), the two of them fawn and dote over one another like no one else I have ever seen.

     

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