Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Hi All,

    Okay, so I just got a wedding invitation for a friend's wedding next month.  I live with my FI and am getting married 12/31 and she is on my guest list.  The envelope was only addressed to me and the inner envelope the same.  I am kind of offended and thought the etiquette for plus one is serious relationships or you live together?  Am I wrong?  I will know a few other friends who are going but I feel like I wouldn't put her at a stag table when she is going to be married at mine so what is the difference?
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    You were invited without your fiance?  Yes, that's RUDE whether you live together or not.  FIANCE?  Please.  That was a big faux pas on her part.

    However, you cannot add insult to injury by being rude yourself as a result (not that you suggested or thought about it or anything).  You either attend alone or decline with regrets.  You cannot mention it if you want to follow good etiquette rules.

    P.S.  I CANNOT BELIEVE she did that!!!!

     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    You were recently engaged?  Maybe it is just a mistake.  She may have had the list worked out before you were engaged and just forgot to add him.  But if you and FI were already living together you would think that she would have invited you together anyway.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Thanks Kar, my aunt was here when I opened it and she said, Wow someone doesn't follow the etiquette rules.  But on the other side, if I do/don't attend, how can I really honestly invite her to mine without feeling like it's a joke.  Plus I gave her a really nice shower gift, and now have to dish out more for the wedding gift. 

    Sigh!
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I was assuming that even if she just got engaged they've been serious for at least a year and dating longer than that.  If they can't afford two seats for someone in a serious relationship (so serious that they were about to become engaged!) they shouldn't have invited her at all and kept the guest list small that way, not omitted the serious SOs.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    You were recently engaged?  Maybe it is just a mistake.  She may have had the list worked out before you were engaged and just forgot to add him.  But if you and FI were already living together you would think that she would have invited you together anyway.
    Posted by dkb6248

     
    Dkb, we have been living together for 1.5yrs, engaged since October and I am pretty sure the STD was addressed to BOTH of us.  But either way, I don't feel comfortable putting 2 and having her call to say sorry only one. Or just declining based off the inconsideration. 
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    It is rude, but maybe she has a really tight budget, and she thought it would be OK, as long as you know the others?  I know that some people will invite a table full of work friends without SOs, because, quite honestly, the SOs wouldn't know anyone and would be bored.  That's the only explanation I can think of. 

    Kar's right, though.  You can't mention it to her, and you can't just show up with him.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Interesting.  Do you still have the STD?  Maybe it was an oversight.  You're supposed to invite everyone who gets one.

    Of course, that could just make her doubly rude, which might not help...
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    You wouldn't be declining because of her inconsideration, you'd be declining because you don't want to attend alone...not spite, just a fact of being invited by yourself.

    If she addressed the STD to both of you, she's extra wrong.  Sounds like maybe her guest list got out of control and she slashed SOs from the seating chart to save space...  If she didn't have an inner envelope I'd wonder if she just forgot to add the name on the outer, but to omit it TWICE is no accident.

    NY, sorry, I have no advice whatsoever...sorry you are in this position.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    oh wow. just wow.

    the only advice I have is to not take it personally.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...


    I'd like to agree that it could be an oversight, but I don't think it can be if she addressed the outer AND inner envelopes in the same, singular manner.  She was actually thinking about who she intended to invite when she wrote "NYEBride" on the inner envelope and no one else.

    I only mention it so she doesn't make any decision based on the idea that it could be a legitimate oversight.  The woman changed her mind about inviting her SO (and probably others).  So, NYE has to decide what she wants to do based on it being purposeful if not meanspirited.  lucy has a point that maybe she slashed the SOs thinking it's no big deal, that they'd be bored, or whatever; I'm sure she's not evil, just horribly mistaken in what she did.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Thanks, I just talked to a mutual friend and she was like that's rude also.  She told me call her and see if it was an oversight.  It just puts me in a difficult situation with my guest list because to follow etiquette and be the bigger person I MUST give her a plus one as she will be married.  She isn't a wicked close friend but we have know each other for 5 years and traveled to Italy with others in college and all are friendly.

    I'm just totally put off by it now and insulted.  I am the person who tries to make everyone happy and am going bonkers with my guest list (over by 5 people) to try to make sure everyone that cares is there.

    Thanks for the advice everyone!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    We were posting at the same time, but it can't be an oversight because of the inner envelope just saying your name.  I'd say have the friend leave it alone; it is rude to ask her or have anyone else ask her, too.

    However, like pink said, try not to take it personally.  What probably happened was she thought she could have more people than she could actually have back when she sent the STDs and now, 8 weeks before the wedding, she's in over her head and in a BIG bind.  Not to excuse her, but at least try not to take it personally.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Even if she slashed SOs, I can almost guarantee the other girl in our "group" who is getting married in August and a BM is bring her FI. 

    The worst part of the addressing was she put Ms. as she "doesn't like" being called Miss. 

    I think I am going to ask her and then make my reply decision as well as guest list decision.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    How close of friends are you?  I know I will flamed for this, but here's my honest opinion:

    I know it is bad etiquette, but what I would do is call and ask about it.  At least that way you find out if she did it on purpose for budget reasons or if it was an oversight.  Based on the way she replies, I'd decide whether or not to go.  If she was really apologetic and said she just couldn't afford to invite your FI but she really wanted you there, I'd probably go.  But if she blows it off or is weird about it, I probably woudln't go and I'm not sure I'd invite her to my wedding.

    Good luck!  Either way, the situation s_cks!
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Just a side note:  You don't HAVE to invite her to your wedding (unless you already sent her a STD).  It's your wedding, and you have no obligation to extend invitations to anyone.  The only people who need to be there are you, your FI, and the officiant.

     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from allreadymarried. Show allreadymarried's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I absolutely think you can call her out on this.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    If you go that route, be prepared to end the friendship.  You know that, right?

    She really might not know the impact of her decision and could be horrified by your response.  Not that you aren't entitled, just saying that if you do still value the friendship you might consider letting this go and attend alone or decline.

    I'm not suggesting either way.  You do have to decide if you are willing to sever the friendship over it before you go forward with your plan.  Maybe it's a friendship worth saving, maybe better off severing...I have no idea.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    No we are not wicked close.  We have had our disagreements in the past but since last summer have been better, I am closer with another girl than this one, but have known (of) her as we went the same high school.  So it's not really a loss so to speak but more uncomfortable. 

    I know I don't have to invite her but being that her, the august bride and I are all engaged at the same time.  I thought we had a little bond and comraderie but I guess I was wrong.  I understand if she had guest list issues but you can't keep adding people then expect the ones who are with a So to come stag.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    whoa now, okay I know you're upset, but take a breath:
    #1 don't assume she invited someone else's SO. don't use that as a reasont o be upset or make a judgement.
    #2 Ms. is correct. Don't take it personally
    #3 just because she did something rude doesn't give you carte blanche to do something rude to her. be the bigger person here

    and lastly, again DO NOT take it personally. I'm sure her reason for leaving your FI off was not "I really want to stick it to NYEbride" but more like "I really want NYEbride there but I can't afford to have her and her FI come."
    She couldn't stomach shaving you off the list, so she did what she had to do to include you and keep her budget. Presumably. She most likely didn't intend to make you feel left out by trying to include you.

    In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    Even if she slashed SOs, I can almost guarantee the other girl in our "group" who is getting married in August and a BM is bring her FI.  The worst part of the addressing was she put Ms. as she "doesn't like" being called Miss.  I think I am going to ask her and then make my reply decision as well as guest list decision.
    Posted by NYEBride2010

     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    whoa. okay. you're officially seething mad about this. just decline the invitation and be done with it. it's really not worth getting mad about, especially when you've got your own wedding to plan.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I missed your question about giving her a gift and all that goes with this issue, sorry, I think we were posting a lot at the same time.

    This is really a tough one.  But, if I were cornered to giving you advice, I'd say let it go, decline the invitation, and give a decent but not overly generous gift.  Do not invite her to your wedding, and let the friendship die a natural death instead of blowing it's head off with a 9 mm. ;)

    She was in the wrong, was immature, and isn't any great friend.  The older you get the happier you'll be if you only maintain friendships that build each other up.  That, of course, means letting go of lesser ones.  High school was another life, and there are few relationships from then that stand the test of time.  Sounds like this one just failed to make the adult cut.
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    would you have been more or less offended if she just didn't invite you at all?

    that's the question you've got to ask yourself before you decide whether or not you want to keep the friendship. She probably thought you'd be more offended if she didn't invite you at all. She could have agonized over this decision. You don't know. Don't jump to the worst conclusion you can make.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    PK is right.  If she were the sort of person to cut your FI purely to upset you (and invite someone else in his place), she is probably the sort of person you wouldn't be friends with in the first place. 

    Don't take it personally - often in life, when we try to figure out someone's motives, we will give them a malicious intent.  However, usually, the problem is more that they didn't know or weren't thinking (or thought and came to the wrong conclusion). 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from that-guy. Show that-guy's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    And to think, some people say that girls are irrational when it comes to weddings and dealing with 'friends'.  I don't know how anyone could come up with an opinion like that.
     
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