Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    yes, this is also an issue with MIL, you're quick to think their motive is maliciously directed at you when in reality it could have nothing to do with you at all.

    In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    PK is right.  If she were the sort of person to cut your FI purely to upset you (and invite someone else in his place), she is probably the sort of person you wouldn't be friends with in the first place.  Don't take it personally - often in life, when we try to figure out someone's motives, we will give them a malicious intent.  However, usually, the problem is more that they didn't know or weren't thinking (or thought and came to the wrong conclusion). 
    Posted by lucy7368

     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I'm not mad just more like amused with a air of frustration.  I am definitely planning to decline because I feel used.  I spent money on a shower gift,  signed the card, from me and Fi and have acted with the proper etiquette. She did fail to make the adult cut and will not be making my cut.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    yes, this is also an issue with MIL, you're quick to think their motive is maliciously directed at you when in reality it could have nothing to do with you at all. In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue... :
    Posted by pinkkittie27


    I agree.  I was really thinking about my roommate, though.  She's far too self-involved to think about anyone else for long enough to come up with anything mean to do to them.  All of the awful things she does really are unintentional.

    ETA:  We used to think she was really, really mean, but now we've realized that she's just a worthless human being. 

    It's a situation that carries over to a lot of relationships.  Like all the men we all dated before we met the one, who couldn't be bothered to return our calls.  Not because they were mean-spirited, but because they just weren't that into us.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I wasn't suggesting ditching this friendship, just proposing it as one of many solutions.  If you are more amused than mad, just let it go.  Invite her to your wedding if you want to, don't if you don't, but I wouldn't base my decision on inviting her on what she did here.

    PK is very right - don't jump to the absolute worst conclusion you can.  I merely suggested one scenario in response to your reaction which seemed "seething mad" to me, too, not just slightly miffed.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from dkb6248. Show dkb6248's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    If you received a STD addressed to both of you, I would call her to clarify. 

    Maybe someone was helping her with invites and screwed up?  When I sent out our invitations I invited some kids with with the wrong parents (DH's cousins I had never met).  She called and said "we'd love to come but my sister will probably want to bring her kids with her."  oops.

    Just sayin, maybe it is a mistake.  But you know her better than me.

    ETA: looks like you have made up your mind.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from Epigal. Show Epigal's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Before you do anything you might regret, make sure it wasn't an oversight. It's possible that she sent a guest list to a calligrapher and for some reason just your name was on it, even though she meant for your fiance to be invited as well.

    It's definitely bad etiquette not to invite your SO, but I would try to get a better sense of the true situation before jumping to any anger-driven conclusions and potentially ending a friendship. Can you call your mutual friend who's the BM? Maybe she has the inside story and can tell you if the bride had to make some major cuts to the guest list, or if your FI is really invited. If she doesn't know, you're more than justified in calling the bride to clarify. Just make sure you're calm before you call, and say something like "We're about to make plans for your wedding, and I noticed FI's name wasn't on the envelope, and we wanted to clarify" instead of biting her head off right away.

    Of course if this wasn't an oversight, it's up to you whether you want to invite her and her husband (because you're the bigger person here) or leave them off the guest list entirely, effectively ending your friendship. It's really too bad when weddings come between friends, even if you're not that close.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Yes this girl sounds similar.  I won't give you the whole back story but a few of us are not planning for this union to last very long, unfortunately. I would have been fine if she didn't invite both of us because then it makes the situation easier.  Having just me invited if FI and I weren't getting married I could understand more.  I know its not personal but looks worse than it is and puts me in a tough position if I attend. The BM whose wedding is in Aug, I know I'm not invited so she's not invited to mine.

    Thanks ladies!  Off to enjoy the sun with Fi and the dog.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I agree with Epigal.
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I agree with everything Epigal says...

    However, if I was invited without my fiance, I would just decline and move on. I wouldn't waste your time trying to figure why this happened. Two of my girlfriends from college gave little to no interest when I got engaged, and they are both married, and when they had their turns, I was there for them. But I am not going to dwell on it. It honestly isn't worth your time.

    I also agree with everything Kar has to say about friendships. Learn to rid of the unhealthy ones, and work on the ones that build you up and are meaningful.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from trex509. Show trex509's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    If you go that route, be prepared to end the friendship.  You know that, right?
    Posted by kargiver


    Why would asking her "end the friendship"?  I don't know, maybe my friends just don't have this much drama.  But just asking politely (not in a mad way or confrontational way) I don't think it is that big a deal.  And if it would end the friendship, then it probably isn't worth saving anyway.
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I agree with Trex, she has every right to ask why, and if ENDS the friendship, than no it isn't a friendship you want to waste your time with.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I do think there are limited situations where it's OK to follow up on such an oversight.  When a close friend of mine got married, DH and I had been together for over 2 years (and ended up getting engaged 2 months later).  When she only addressed the invitation to me, I was very torn over whether to ask about it or just let it go and accept the invitation.  Then I spoke to another friend, who wasn't even dating anyone, who received an "and guest".  Turned out to be a mistake - no harm done in asking.  If my friend thought I was awful for it, she never let on whatsoever.
    Doesn't sound like this relationship is as close though, so that makes it hard to guess how the bride will react.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I think it's okay to ask her about this, especially since the STD was addressed to both of you. Just do it in a non-accusatory, offhand kind of way, like, (segueing from other conversation), "Oh, I got your invitation. It was really pretty. I noticed that FI's name wasn't on it, and just wanted to clarify if he's invited?"

    If she says, "Actually, I'm a socially inept maxi pad and he has to stay home and watch re-runs of Two and Half Men," then I'd probably decline and not invite her to my wedding. 

    Not because I didn't want to go alone. More because I wouldn't want to celebrate the marriage of someone who doesn't respect my relationship. And then I'd move on. 
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Asking her might not end the friendship, but the conversation that ensues as a result could.  It's an outcome worth considering before bringing it up as a risk, not as a forgone conclusion.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from NYEBride2010. Show NYEBride2010's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    If she says, "Actually, I'm a socially inept maxi pad and he has to stay home and watch re-runs of Two and Half Men," then I'd probably decline and not invite her to my wedding.  Not because I didn't want to go alone. More because I wouldn't want to celebrate the marriage of someone who doesn't respect my relationship. And then I'd move on. 
    Posted by WhirledPeasPlease


    Hahahaha!  Thanks Whirled! I needed that laugh.
    Okay so update: talked with my friend, L, and she spoke with the BM who said that almost everyone (not her) was not getting plus ones. (Back story, we are sort of "merry" little Italia family so the bride wants her Italy table and no +1 was the only way she could do it).  So I figured that was what it was. However, she is inviting one of the girls that NONE of us has spoken to in almost 8mos. Not saying she could have not invited that girl so Fi could come, but L suggested it to the BM. 
    Anyways, I tried calling the bride before L spoke with the BM and left her a vm.  Got home a short time ago from a walk with FI and the dog and checked facebook.  I had a nice little private message from bride to all the Italia family on there stating her case.
    Needless to say, I am going to graciously decline, that I understand her situation and I hope she understands I have the same dilemna. Also, thats okay if her and DH are not coming to my wedding. As I know she won't want to be apart from DH and new baby on their first NYE as a family.

    Sound good? 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I agree with your decision. She should have sent you that message *before* she sent out the invitations. You might have felt differently about it if you knew beforehand or were part of her decision. I can kind of understand her situation, I just think she could have handled it differently. You have to do what you think is best for you and FI. It sounds like you're in the right place.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    In Response to Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    Hi All, Okay, so I just got a wedding invitation for a friend's wedding next month.  I live with my FI and am getting married 12/31 and she is on my guest list.  The envelope was only addressed to me and the inner envelope the same.  I am kind of offended and thought the etiquette for plus one is serious relationships or you live together?  Am I wrong?  I will know a few other friends who are going but I feel like I wouldn't put her at a stag table when she is going to be married at mine so what is the difference?
    Posted by NYEBride2010


    Usually with an engaged couple, this means that a separate invitation was sent to the FI at his legal address.   Each has their own.  A style choice, technically correct.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    Giving someone a ready made excuse to not come to something they are invited to is insulting for future reference.  Not a huge deal in this case, but an invitation should NEVER come with an excuse you've "graciously" devised for the invitees to use not to come.

    P.S.  All this will blow over in time and none of it sounds like too much to get all ruffled about. 
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from Shortylicious. Show Shortylicious's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    It looks like this issue has been resolved already, but I wanted to add my two cents. This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion- but the way I see it- it's the bride's day and she should be able to invite whomever she wants. That doesn't mean you have to accept- you can always decline (gracefully!) if you don't want to attend alone.
    Good luck with your own wedding! Just have fun and don't be so concerned about settling invitation scores. At the end of your day- I promise you- it will be the furtherest thing from your mind!
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from MaisieFinn. Show MaisieFinn's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I think you either invite her to your wedding or you don't.  Let her make her own excuses for declining the invitation.  Feeding her reasons for not attending feels like a backhanded disinvitation, which is what you want to do I suppose, but it would be better to rise above that impulse.

    I was once invited to a shower of the fiance of a man with whom I was fairly good friends.  I planned to go, then found out I wasn't going to be invited to the wedding.  Just the shower. 

    The poor guy had no input into the wedding planning and was uncomfortable with a lot of the decisions.  But he wanted to make sure our group understood our position (there were 4 of us in the same boat), so he gave us a head's up.  We pooled our funds and sent a group gift.  None of attended the shower (and no, we were not invited to the wedding.  Got a nice thank you note though). 


     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I agree with Friar, it seems your friend had good intentions but handled the situation poorly. She probably underestimated people's reaction to being invited sans SO. I don't get the whole "Italia table" thing, but that could be culture gap, but I know my seating chart was the bane of my existence and sometimes taking shortcuts to make it work is very tempting.

    Decline, move on. Don't make decisions about whether or not to invite her until you're finalizing your guest list to send out your own invitations. you don't want to engage in eye for an eye here.

    As for her inviting someone you haven't spoken to in 8mos, that's none of your business. She can invite whomever she pleases.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    In Response to Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...:
    It looks like this issue has been resolved already, but I wanted to add my two cents. This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion- but the way I see it- it's the bride's day and she should be able to invite whomever she wants. That doesn't mean you have to accept- you can always decline (gracefully!) if you don't want to attend alone. Good luck with your own wedding! Just have fun and don't be so concerned about settling invitation scores. At the end of your day- I promise you- it will be the furtherest thing from your mind!
    Posted by Shortylicious



    Sure, it's her day and she should do what she wants, but that doesn't extend to rudeness and breach of etiquette. Engaged and married couples aren't split up, no equivocations. 

    NYE, I think you handled it well. It sounds like this won't wreck your friendship or anything and you don't need to invite her to your wedding. And you can always throw back a lame excuse like she did. Laughing
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    did you already send her a save the date to your wedding?

    the whole idea of being rude to someone to get back at them for being rude to you is very petty to me. You can't fight fire with fire, and you can't teach someone a lesson abotu being rude by being rude.
    I think it's almost always better to be the bigger person than to sink to someone else's level.

    I agree that you don't have to invite her, but if you already sent a save the date it's rude not to.
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    I think she said earlier that STDs didn't go out yet. If they already did, then yeah, you have to invite her (and her husband). 

    This is one reason I'm not a fan of STDs; they really pigeon-hole you into a final guest list early. 

    In other news, pink, I really like your new icon. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Offended? Plus 1 Issue...

    thanks, WPP. I've been having a siouxsie sioux-fest on my iPod this whole week.
     
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