OT - how to respond?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    OT - how to respond?

    Hi, Ladies.  Hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day.

    As one of the resident single gals who occasionally reads these boards, I need some opinions.  I met a guy last week at a networking event.  We hit it off and ended up eating a spontaneous dinner together after the event.  We both had fun, and went out on our first real date a couple of days later.

    While he's a nice guy, a sufficient number of red flags were flown on that date to make me realize that this was not someone with whom I could foresee myself having a relationship.  He emailed me yesterday saying that he'd like to get together again.  My question: is it alright to reply very kindly to him in an email, simply saying that he's a great guy and I had a good time, but I'd prefer to keep things at the friendship level?  Or, should I call?    

    I keep going back and forth on this.  On the one hand, I have known this guy for a grand total of one week; surely, it's not even a "break up," so it's ok to respond in the same medium as his message.  On the other, the last thing I want him to think is that I have no manners.  What do you think?

    Thanks in advance!
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    Oh, goodness.  Well, it will be awkward, unfortunately, no matter what.  I'd be prone to do it over the phone even though it would be markedly more difficult.  It just seems cold and kind of mean (no matter how nicely stated) to do it over email, kind of taking the easy way out.  It's one of those things I'd take notes for myself beforehand to refer to during the call so I wouldn't go blank and end up saying, "Um, well...uh..."

    However, that being said, you don't have a lot invested in the relationship and neither does he.  It wouldn't be THAT bad to do it over email.  It's just too passive for my taste even so.

    P.S.  Wait, just re-read your OP about his emailing you about a second date.  Missed that the first time, sorry.  Maybe it wouldn't be passive to respond to his note, after all - he initiated the date in a passive way to begin with, you'd be responding in kind.  If nothing else at least I've at least partially confirmed it's not cut and dry. :)
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    Exactly.  If he had called me, certainly I'd have called back.

    I guess part of the reason why I'm in this conundrum is that while I agree, Kar, that normally email is mean and cold, does it almost seem worse that I'm responding to a passive communication with an active one, to tell him something he won't be pleased to hear?


     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    I agree that because he email you, it's okay to email back your response.
    It always stinks to be the bearer of bad news. It would almost be better is he'd been a complete jerk, that way you wouldn't have to feel bad.
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    Yeah, my discovery of his email makes it the way to go.  Sorry, again, that I missed that at first.  Add "passive" to his list of red flags, and just respond in email.  He should have called to ask you out. :)
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    He should have called to ask you out. :)
    Posted by kargiver


    Indeed he should have! :-)

     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    I agree that because he email you, it's okay to email back your response. It always stinks to be the bearer of bad news. It would almost be better is he'd been a complete jerk, that way you wouldn't have to feel bad.
    Posted by pinkkittie27


    Yeah, he wasn't a complete jerk, although he did one sort of jerky thing, in my opinion: he took me to a party, on our first date.  Now, this wouldn't be jerky if, say, you had mutual friends and one of them was hosting.   However, I didn't know a soul there.  Plus, they were all speaking Greek!  (Backstory: we're both Greek-American, but it became very apparent on this date that he's far more Greek than American, while I'm the opposite).  I speak some Greek, but not enough to sustain a whole party with native speakers.  So, I thought it was kind of weird that he would think this would be a fun event for me.
     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond? : Yeah, he wasn't a complete jerk, although he did one sort of jerky thing, in my opinion: he took me to a party, on our first date.  Now, this wouldn't be jerky if, say, you had mutual friends and one of them was hosting.   However, I didn't know a soul there.  Plus, they were all speaking Greek!  (Backstory: we're both Greek-American, but it became very apparent on this date that he's far more Greek than American, while I'm the opposite).  I speak some Greek, but not enough to sustain a whole party with native speakers.  So, I thought it was kind of weird that he would think this would be a fun event for me.
    Posted by mezzogal1124


    that is weird. a first date should be about getting to know someone better. how on earth can you get to know someone when you're at a party?
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    As one of the unmarried ladies, I would reply via email if it were his home email.  If it's his work email, I'd have to think about it more.  He emailed you, it's an easy way to make sure you say all the things you wanted to say, and, it saves both of you time.

    My roommate called a guy after three dates to tell him she didn't think they should date anymore, and he spent ten minutes saying, "But whhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!??!?"  I was in the next room, and I could hear him.  It was awful. 

    But, I agree, if he had tried to arrange a date over the phone, you should call him.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from Dani273. Show Dani273's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?


    Mezzogal
    I do hope for your sake that he only has your email  address, but does not know where you live......not that he's unbalanced, but too much info is not good.  I agree with the other posters that emailing him back would be fine, but do make sure that you tread lightly with him, as we all know, what goes onto the internet stays on the internet.  Good luck! :)

     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    As one of the unmarried ladies, I would reply via email if it were his home email.  If it's his work email, I'd have to think about it more.  He emailed you, it's an easy way to make sure you say all the things you wanted to say, and, it saves both of you time. My roommate called a guy after three dates to tell him she didn't think they should date anymore, and he spent ten minutes saying, "But whhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!??!?"  I was in the next room, and I could hear him.  It was awful.  But, I agree, if he had tried to arrange a date over the phone, you should call him.
    Posted by lucy7368


    Everyone would be better off if they didn't ask "why?" in situations like that. Escape with your dignity.
     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from poppy609. Show poppy609's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    I agree with the girls - email totally acceptable in this situation.  I'd even say preferable - why put either of you through the awkwardness of a phone call no one wants to make or receive? If he then calls you to discuss, you might be stuck...

    Good luck!
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond? : Everyone would be better off if they didn't ask "why?" in situations like that. Escape with your dignity.
    Posted by pinkkittie27


    I agree.  Unless you did something terrible, in which case you already know, there's only one answer:  She's just not that into you.

    I feel like maybe this guy was trying to be nice by taking Mezzo to a Greek-American party.  Maybe  he thought it was the kind of thing you'd really enjoy? But, I also think he overshot.  A greek restaurant would have been a better idea for a first date.  Save the party for after you've met a few of the friends first.  So, sweet idea, poor execution.
     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    Don't fear the follow-up call - if he didn't have the guts to call to ask you out he certainly doesn't have the guts to call and ask, "Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy?!"
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to OT - how to respond?:
    Hi, Ladies.  Hope you're all enjoying this beautiful day. As one of the resident single gals who occasionally reads these boards, I need some opinions.  I met a guy last week at a networking event.  We hit it off and ended up eating a spontaneous dinner together after the event.  We both had fun, and went out on our first real date a couple of days later. While he's a nice guy, a sufficient number of red flags were flown on that date to make me realize that this was not someone with whom I could foresee myself having a relationship.  He emailed me yesterday saying that he'd like to get together again.  My question: is it alright to reply very kindly to him in an email, simply saying that he's a great guy and I had a good time, but I'd prefer to keep things at the friendship level?  Or, should I call?     I keep going back and forth on this.  On the one hand, I have known this guy for a grand total of one week; surely, it's not even a "break up," so it's ok to respond in the same medium as his message.  On the other, the last thing I want him to think is that I have no manners.  What do you think? Thanks in advance!
    Posted by mezzogal1124


    It depends on what the red flags are. If he's told you where bodies are hidden or you saw him snorting a line, then okay, tell him you are busy. 

    IMO, you don't have enough info about any person after 1 date to make any decision re whether you can have a relationship or not with them. You need at least 3 dates b/c nerves are coming into play on the first date, and possibly even the second date.  I say give the guy a bit more of a chance.  Also, who said anything about a 'relationship'?  You went on one date. He would like to go on another.  Do you have something better to do w/ your time?  I'm not being sarcastic; I'm being serious.  I went on so many dates before I met my DH.  Just go and have fun.  You never know.  Many people have not really hit it off w/ their DH on the first few dates, but were intrigued enough to go on second dates.  One of my best friends felt this way about her now DH.  Just go, with no expectations of any 'relationship' forming overnight and have a good time.  HTH. 
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from joyadams. Show joyadams's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?


    He emailed you, so respond via email. You don't owe him a thing, and make sure you really do "prefer things at the friendship level" before including that in your email. Just keep it short and kind.
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    lucy and ALF make good points.
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    You could have enough information.  I had a priority of having a Christian man to marry; if after the first date I found out he was into wicca, I'd know it wasn't going to work out.  Depends on the flags.
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    And if you want to date a genuine certified Yankee with forebears from the Mayflower, say so up front.
    Posted by oldchild


    Ouch.  That's not at all the case.

    As it happens, as a Greek-American, I would love to marry someone who shares my culture and religious background.  Contrary to what you suppose, Oldchild, I know family/friends are at the heart of Mediterranean culture, and I cherish that.  I couldn't imagine ending up with someone who doesn't feel as close to his family as I do (and that's VERY close!). 

    Also, being taken to a party would not have been a big deal to me at all if there hadn't been any other issues that came up on the date.  I agree, Lucy, I think he meant well.  In the context of the other red flags, though, the party magnified things.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    You could have enough information.  I had a priority of having a Christian man to marry; if after the first date I found out he was into wicca, I'd know it wasn't going to work out.  Depends on the flags.
    Posted by kargiver


    Exactly.  Lots of the flags were religious, actually.  I'm moderately religious, but this guy is ultra religious.  He quoted scripture during dinner.  He constantly referred to his "spiritual mentor."  He described a view of women that was more conservative even than most priests' views that I've talked with.  He has an icon in his car that he kissed every time he got in and out of it (not a common practice among Orthodox Christians).   Do any of these things make him a bad person?  Not at all.  But, I'm not that religious, and frankly it made me a bit uncomfortable.   
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    Just email him...what is the big deal?

    And I don't mean that towards you, but it's not a big deal to email the guy after one or two dates. Good luck :)
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from domino88. Show domino88's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    Kar – you make a great point.  Everyone has their own deal breakers and if he exposes one of these on the first date, Mezzo is not obligated to continue dating him just because it has only been one date.  I think it is the right thing to do if she feels she does not want to pursue a romantic relationship with him, to tell him now that she wants to keep things at a friendship level rather than to lead him on.  Hopefully, he will respect her honesty and they will be able to continue hanging out and building a friendship. 

    I think email is fine since that is the medium he chose, but I guess that can depend on if you want to pursue a friendship.  If you do, maybe a phone call would be more considerate (sometimes emails can seem cold or be misconstrued).

    Good luck! 
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:
    In Response to Re: OT - how to respond? : Exactly.  Lots of the flags were religious, actually.  I'm moderately religious, but this guy is ultra religious.  He quoted scripture during dinner.  He constantly referred to his "spiritual mentor."  He described a view of women that was more conservative even than most priests' views that I've talked with.  He has an icon in his car that he kissed every time he got in and out of it (not a common practice among Orthodox Christians).   Do any of these things make him a bad person?  Not at all.  But, I'm not that religious, and frankly it made me a bit uncomfortable.   
    Posted by mezzogal1124


    Mezzo, I understand.  I went out with this one guy, and on our first "date," we went to a wedding at his church.  I knew other people, and I had been invited before I met him, but it was really uncomfortable the way everyone watched us all night and asked about our plans for the future.  "Umm.... we're gonna hang out until the bride and groom leave?"

    On our second date, when I dropped him off at the end of the night, his entire youth group was standing in his living room, staring at us out the window. 

    I mean, you're a nice guy, and I can respect your religion, but you neglected to mention that I'd be dating the whole church.

    I really don't have that many "zero tolerance" dealbreakers, but... yeah.  Undecided
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    Okay, even with an open mind, I think kissing a religious icon every time you get into and out of the car and being told this early on that he has a 'spiritual mentor' are good reasons to be busy arranging your socks drawer the night he wants to go out.  Just tell him you are busy. If you tell him repeatedly, he'll get the idea.  I don't think after your limited contact w/ him that you need to have a heart to heart about why you don't want to see him romantically.  GL. 
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: OT - how to respond?

    I agree with Alf 100%.  If one member of a couple is super religious, and the other is not, you really shouldn't spend a lot of time and energy confirming that you're not compatible. 

    Honestly, while it's not necessary to tell him anything, if you mentioned that you are not religious (and don't intend to become so), he might be relieved to hear that you aren't going to waste his time, either.

     

Share