OT - how to respond?
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Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 5/28/2010 11:01 AM EDT
- pinkkittie27
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I agree, lucy. he'll be better off finding someone who shares his depth of faith. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 5/28/2010 12:40 PM EDT
- Peonie
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In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:In Response to Re: OT - how to respond? : Mezzo, I understand. I went out with this one guy, and on our first "date," we went to a wedding at his church. I knew other people, and I had been invited before I met him, but it was really uncomfortable the way everyone watched us all night and asked about our plans for the future. "Umm.... we're gonna hang out until the bride and groom leave?" On our second date, when I dropped him off at the end of the night, his entire youth group was standing in his living room, staring at us out the window. I mean, you're a nice guy, and I can respect your religion, but you neglected to mention that I'd be dating the whole church. I really don't have that many "zero tolerance" dealbreakers, but... yeah.
Posted by lucy7368
I don't know why, but that whole post just made me laugh out loud. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 5/28/2010 6:59 PM EDT
- kargiver
- Posts: 21661
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I'd not just give him a random excuse and let him figure out you'll never go out with him. If his faith/religious practices aren't compatible with yours he'll not want to date you just as much as you don't want to date him and will be happy to be let off the hook.
P.S. In fact, it might be why he emailed to ask you out again. He knows it's not right but he finds you attractive nonetheless...so a passive approach. Probably subconscious. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 10:41 AM EDT
- cosmogirl
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....or that he can grind you into submission after some time! -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 11:02 AM EDT
- Scorpio75
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In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:....or that he can grind you into submission after some time!
Posted by cosmogirl
I hope that was supposed to be funny otherwise I would have to say wow way to think the worst of this poor guy. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 11:13 AM EDT
- mezzogal1124
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In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:P.S. In fact, it might be why he emailed to ask you out again. He knows it's not right but he finds you attractive nonetheless...so a passive approach. Probably subconscious.
Posted by kargiver
Interesting idea, and could very well be true.
I emailed him, he wrote back a simple "thank you and best wishes," so seems like there was no harm done.
Thank you all for your advice! -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 12:43 PM EDT
- kargiver
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Good news! Like I said, I'm sure he's somewhat relieved to be off the hook, glad he didn't have to bring up his faith as something that would come between you. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 12:46 PM EDT
- poppy609
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I never had religion & dating intertwine until a guy I briefly dated just before I met my husband. I knew when he told me, "You may not have figured out your faith yet, but I know you'll find Jesus" or something like that that there was no possible scenario in which we could work as a couple. He was very nice, and I truly believe he thought he was helping me, but that kind of statement just did not work for me.
Creepiness aside (because, yes, when that happens it IS creepy to a degree), afterward I found the whole thing fascinating because I had never encountered it before. It made me realize that it was hugely important to me to be with someone who was NOT very religious. Up until then I hadnt' really thought about it. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 12:53 PM EDT
- kargiver
- Posts: 21661
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Indeed, religion/faith of any degree (0 - 100% importance) should be a dealbreaker for everyone. A mismatch is deadly to relationships. Often, though, people with zero interest or "not very religious" think that it's OK with them to have someone super religious 'cause what's it to them, right? Well, that's all well and good, but the religious person is going to expect that the other will "come around" just like poppy's experience. When they don't, the relationship is in trouble because people of faith are driven toward relationships in which that faith is shared. They are misguided to get involved with people thinking it will happen at some point and doom the relationship in the process. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 1:18 PM EDT
- lucy7368
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I think, like so many things, it depends on the relationship. My grandmother was very Catholic. My grandfather was only a tiny bit Jewish. She never tried to change him. He went to mass and sat beside her every Sunday for 55 years until he died. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 1:23 PM EDT
- kargiver
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A sweet exception. :) -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 1:33 PM EDT
- pinkkittie27
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I think as long as you can come to some kind of agreement about religion, that's all that matters. Because you've got to figure out things like, what holidays you'll celebrate and how, and how you're going to introduce religion to your kids.
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Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 1:38 PM EDT
- kargiver
- Posts: 21661
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Beware the agreement. Many times people agree to what they truly think they can deal with and it turns out to not be the case, and when that happens resentment follows soon thereafter. The fact that there was an agreement and it was "all worked out" ahead of time won't matter at that point or thereafter. Beware, that's all I'm sayin'. It would be a lot easier to have it a dealbreaker early on before you're emotionally invested and are making compromises left and right that end up biting you in the you know what. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 1:51 PM EDT
- cosmogirl
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oh, scorpio, I can always count on you! LOL!
Mez, in answer to your question: yes of course it's fine to email him back. You don't have to lie - just say you "enjoyed meeting him but are not interested in another date. Best wishes." -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 1:57 PM EDT
- lucy7368
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In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:oh, scorpio, I can always count on you! LOL!
Posted by cosmogirl
I was pretty sure you were joking, Cosmo, but I've also met guys who wanted to try to grind me into submission, so you can't always tell. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 2:11 PM EDT
- pinkkittie27
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In Response to Re: OT - how to respond?:Beware the agreement. Many times people agree to what they truly think they can deal with and it turns out to not be the case, and when that happens resentment follows soon thereafter. The fact that there was an agreement and it was "all worked out" ahead of time won't matter at that point or thereafter. Beware , that's all I'm sayin'. It would be a lot easier to have it a dealbreaker early on before you're emotionally invested and are making compromises left and right that end up biting you in the you know what.
Posted by kargiver
Well, like anything, it depends on the type of agreement and knowing yourself well enough to know what kind of agreements you can make and keep.
After all, there are many agreements in a marriage that, if broken, are going to cause it to fail. Like the agreement to not sleep with anyone else, or the agreement not to gamble away the nest egg. ;) -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 2:23 PM EDT
- lucy7368
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And there are women who will put up with a man who sleeps with other women or gambles away the nest egg. -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 3:02 PM EDT
- pinkkittie27
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sad but true! -
Re: OT - how to respond?
posted at 6/1/2010 10:02 PM EDT
- WhirledPeasPlease
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There are the big things you definitely need to talk about before getting into a serious relationship: religion, kids, money, where to live. Some things you just can't compromise on.