Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

  1. You have chosen to ignore posts from flem26. Show flem26's posts

    Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I have several girlfriends who live out of state, even out of the country that are invited to the wedding and plan to come. However, it is more or less certain that they would not make the trip to attend my shower (I wouldn't expect them to!) - do I send an invitation anyway? I don't want to seem like I'm fishing for gifts.......but I also don't want to leave anyone out or be rude.
     
  2. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    Traditionally, a shower is seen as a secondary party,  and no one would be expected to travel further/ longer than an hour each way. (Except perhaps the bride of perhaps her mother or grandmother.)

       A standard rule of etiquette often forgotten recently: With the exception of a major life event, like the actual wedding, you do not ask people to attend a party or a dinner when the time traveling would be longer than the event itself.  It is putting forth an expectation that people should go to great inconvenience just to be at a minor event of yours (as though their time and expense does not matter.)

       The proper thing to do, to make someone feel missed and included:  Do not have hostesses send an invitation.  But the bride herself, immediately after the event, sends an informal communication - a notecard, a letter, or these days a real letter (newsy) in email.
       Start with I wish you could have been here, but all that travel would be silly, so I want to share with you - and do so.

       This always looks loving and never like someone is angling for a gift.

        Remember, a shower is not hosted by the bride, but by friends or family for her.  An invitation from them, says, come and bring a gift.  If they know she is too far away even before sending it, then it kind of says, or at least send one.
        A note or letter from you, says you care, and still want to share with them, though they are far away.

       From your post, it seems this is the message you really want to send.
     
  3. You have chosen to ignore posts from NorthernLghts. Show NorthernLghts's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    Yes, please invite them. Even though you know they can't come, chances are your family will realize that you just want to keep them included.
     
  4. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    No, do not invite them. You will look like you are angling for a gift.  DH's entire family was OOT and none were invited, not even my MIL.  They were not going to hop on a plane from FL, but I was reasonably certain they would feel the need to send a gift so I asked that no invitations be sent.  I had a small shower [under 15 people]. 

    I'd do as Wag suggested and mention in a separate note that you you had a shower but they weren't included b/c you knew they weren't going to make the trip.  Most people in their situtation would understand and actually be happy they weren't invited.  GL. 
     
  5. You have chosen to ignore posts from FriarGirl03. Show FriarGirl03's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I invited most of my out-of-towners. I just wanted them to feel included. I don't think my bridesmaids put a note in my invitation, but when I did my cousin's bridal shower, I put a note in our shared aunt's invitation that we knew she wasn't coming up from Florida for the shower, but we just wanted to keep her in the loop about the events and that we were looking forward to seeing her at the wedding.

    I didn't get any gifts from any of the out-of-towners. I don't think people are sending gifts for showers that they know they can't attend. The only gifts I got from people who weren't there were either sent along with another guest or mailed by people who couldn't come at the last minute.

    I'm sure Wag is right about the etiquette. I'm just offering my experience.
     
  6. You have chosen to ignore posts from NorthernLghts. Show NorthernLghts's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I suppose you have to know your family Alf. When my sister got married, her mother (we're half sisters) did not send invitations to our dad's family. Somehow they found out about the shower and they were hurt they didn't get an invitation. No, they had no plans to fly up for the shower, but they did want to be 'involved'. When I got married, they got sent invites and no, they didn't send anything. It wasn't the intent of the invite.
     
  7. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I agree with Alf and Wag.
    So skip inviting them, and just send them a note or letter. It will let them know that you care enough to keep them in the loop.

     
  8. You have chosen to ignore posts from ALF72. Show ALF72's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I guess you do have to know your family. I know for a fact that if invitations had been sent to DH's family, there would have been a deluge of gifts from FL and regrets on the RSVP. 
     
  9. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    As the hostess, you are not ever to concern yourself with deciding FOR anyone if they are able to attend your party, any party.  You are to only be concerned with the guest list with respect to who you would like to have there yourself.  It's easy - invite who you'd like to have there.  Let THEM decide if they want to attend the shower, wedding, whatever.

    What's rude is making the decision for them by not sending an invitation.  It means they cannot attend because they are not invited.
     
  10. You have chosen to ignore posts from pinkkittie27. Show pinkkittie27's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I found this on an etiquette website, it echos what Wag wrote:

    "As for the out of town guests who you know can not possibly attend the shower, it is thoughtful of you to want to make them feel included by sending them an invitation. An invitation, however, usually does inevitably make one feel obliged to send a gift. If it is your intention to avoid having them feel this way, it may be best to simply not send these individuals an invitation, since you know it is not feasible for them to attend.

    The other possible option is to send such people a shower invitation along with a note that reads something along the lines of: "We realize it's not possible for you to attend the shower, but just thought you might like to have a copy of the invitation as a keepsake. Wish you could be there, but we hope to see you at the wedding". This should help to make the intention behind sending the invitation a little more clear, and will help to remove some of the pressure that may be felt to send a gift. Nonetheless, the likelihood remains good that many of these recipients will still choose to go ahead and send a gift even under these circumstances."
     
  11. You have chosen to ignore posts from cosmogirl. Show cosmogirl's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    Of course the bride doesn't plan her shower, but she should certainly be consulted on the guest list for her shower.  SHE would know that her best friend in California should get an invite but her FI's cousins in CT should not.

    I think it's dangerous to generalize about this topic -- some families think nothing of hopping in the car and driving 4 hours to an event or even flying in.

    But, generally, I would not invite non-New Englanders to a shower. 

     
  12. You have chosen to ignore posts from mezzogal1124. Show mezzogal1124's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    Pink's idea to enclose a note that implies you certainly don't expect them to make the trek to attend would be a nice touch.

    However, I want to reiterate that an invitation is not an invoice.  I realize that, per the website Pink quoted, "An invitation, however, usually does inevitably make one feel obliged to send a gift."  However, I recently attended an etiquette seminar (I'm an etiquette junky and think such things are fun) and the lecturer was eager to dispell the myth that you are EVER obligated to send a gift when you receive an invitation or even something like a birth announcement.  Of course you may certainly send a gift if you choose (and, IMO, SHOULD send one if you are close to the person/people who sent it), but it is not required. 

    Therefore, I absolutely think you should invite whomever you want to the shower.  As others have said, they'll probably be delighted that they're in your thoughts; if not, and they think you're grabbing for gifts, that's their problem.  If these were people you didn't know well, that would be a different story, but these sound like close friends.
     
  13. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    It really depends on the situation... Typically you do not invite out of town guests to the shower.  I went to school in a different state and my best friends are spread out around NY/NJ/MA/ME.  We always invite each other to these things and usually a few can make it.  It's understood that there will be no hard feelings.

    You could always send an email or note to people from out of state, but you have to be careful with that too.  It could come off sounding like you don't really want them to come.  People like to be included and given the option to come.

     
  14. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    An invitation is neither an invoice nor a demand to attend.  If someone doesn't attend they are not obliged to send a gift.  If they FEEL that they are that's their problem/responsibility.

    I was surprised that a few people I assumed couldn't come for distance actually wanted to and did.  If I hadn't invited them, well, too bad, they couldn't have come.
     
  15. You have chosen to ignore posts from whatawagSBNy. Show whatawagSBNy's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    They are not in your thoughts when they get a shower invitation - sending a shower invitation says they are in the thoughts of the shower hostess.

    When it comes to making your / FI's family and friends feel happy and included, that is the job of the Bride and Groom.  Not to be shunted off on some shower hostess.  So hostesses' only concern should be providing the party, and inviting those guests with a chance of coming and participating.

    Care and  feeding of anyone else's emotional needs is the reason separate "sharing" correspondence'snce should come from the Bride (or groom.)

    Wedding invitations may be handled differently, because there the Bride, Groom, or hosting family are the ones extending the invitation.  For them to sent extra courtesy ones, may be appropriate.

    Think about it.  Why should your old schoolmate, current coworker and best buddy, and college room mate be planning a party in Chicago for 20, and sending 12 extra invitations to Florida, CA, Boston and NYC for people who won't come?
     
  16. You have chosen to ignore posts from CA8221. Show CA8221's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I feel this is more of a case by case basis. I was recently MOH for my best friend, but the wedding was in Cincinnati and she knew from the start I could not attend any of the pre-wedding festivities due to the travel and expense. I still received an invitation to the shower, but I knew it was not her intention of fishing for an additional gift. It was merely her keeping me in the loop.

    Last month, a cousin of mine got married in Ireland. From the very beginning, it was well known that most of the family could not attend due to the travel expense (and also, the wedding was on a Wednesday - weird!), but sure enough, about 3 WEEKS before the wedding, I received an invitation. I am not close with this cousin in the slightest and I knew the invitation was only an invitation to send a gift, as it would have been ridiculous to plan travel and attend a wedding overseas in 3 weeks. I thought it was pretty tacky actually. Sorry that is a bit off topic!
     
  17. You have chosen to ignore posts from Rapunzel41. Show Rapunzel41's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    My FI is originally from Oregon and we don't expect his family to come out here for a wedding shower, but we know they'd be really hurt if they didn't receive invitations. 

    We're also having a pretty intimate wedding, and while I don't expect all my OOT guests to send shower gifts, I know even the ones who cannot attend the shower will probably WANT to send something, so I've let my party planners know to invite everyone.

    The upside to the small guest list and "no obligatory invites" to the wedding is that everyone we are inviting truly wants to be involved in all aspects of the process!  :-)
     
  18. You have chosen to ignore posts from flem26. Show flem26's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    Wow - lots of good feedback. I do think it is a case-by-case situation, depending on how close you are to the OOT (both physically and emotionally!) My mom and bridesmaids did ask me for a list and after I sorted everyone out, it seemed a little more clear to me. The out of country/US west coast people won't get an invitation. The only other two were borderline, in NYC and Philly and I felt comfortable enough to shoot them an email sort of explaining the dilemma. I prefer to offer them a note of explaination before the event happens, rather than after.

    Turns out one girl is moving that weekend and is unavailable and the other said she would be definitely be interested in coming up but not certain yet, so I'm going to include her. We are all pretty laid-back girls and traveling isn't really a big deal so I'm glad I got in touch. No awkwardness at all!

    Follow-up question - is there a way to incorporate my fiance's name on the shower invite so FMIL's friends who likely won't know my name (or my mom's name/return address) will know why they are being invited?
     
  19. You have chosen to ignore posts from lucy7368. Show lucy7368's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    In Response to Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?:
    Follow-up question - is there a way to incorporate my fiance's name on the shower invite so FMIL's friends who likely won't know my name (or my mom's name/return address) will know why they are being invited?
    Posted by flem26


    A shower is for close friends of the bride.  If they don't know you well enough to know your name (or at least recognize it when they see it), they shouldn't be invited.

    If your FMIL wants to throw a separate shower just for her friends (which is completely unnecessary), the invitations would come from her, and everyone would be able to see that.
     
  20. You have chosen to ignore posts from flem26. Show flem26's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I did not realize that. That is actually IMMENSELY helpful to me in trying to edit my list.

    Thank you!
     
  21. You have chosen to ignore posts from pingo. Show pingo's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    Some brides have more than one shower.
    My DIL is from out of state (TX) and have a huge family. But she also had a large circle of friends from going to college here in Boston.
    I and our closets family members got curtsey invitations to two showers for her in TX. Of course the hostesses never expected us to attend.
    Her in-state (MA) bridesmaids send curtsey invites to her family and friends in TX not  expecting anyone to travel this far for just a shower. It all worked out well.
    Her MA briesmaids did not have the shower for her, just to collect gifts.  But mostly for the friends who knew, they were not able to attend the wedding in TX. They were happy to be involved in some way.
     
  22. You have chosen to ignore posts from framerican51008. Show framerican51008's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    OK Lucy - you tell her FMIL that!!  I do totally agree with you, in theory, it's just that these things are complicated!

    Sometimes people write on the invitation:

    You're invited to a shower for
    Jane Doe, fiancée of John Smith
     
  23. You have chosen to ignore posts from kargiver. Show kargiver's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    The easiest way to sort it out is to decide if you really would like them to be at your party regardless of where they live.  Your guest list, your decision.  Their travel expense/time/gift, their decision. Crossing people off that you'd love to have at your shower simply because they live far away is not very nice even if you have the sweetest of intentions.  Here are the things that you're possibly conveying by not inviting someone simply because they are far away:

    "You'd have been invited if you lived closer."

    "Hey, I decided you wouldn't have the money to come so I didn't invite you."

    "I figured you didn't like me enough to come to the wedding AND my shower so I didn't invite you."

    "I thought you weren't mature enough to make the decision yourself so I made it for you by simply not inviting you."

    "To save you the trouble of RSVPing with regrets I just didn't invite you."
     
  24. You have chosen to ignore posts from Peonie. Show Peonie's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I am having two showers because if it had been one big one, it would have been around 60 people, and to me, that is just way too overwhelming and who on earth wants to sit and watch someone open that many gifts? No one.

    I am having one that is hosted by my wedding party and mom for my close friends, my moms  close friends (who have been a part of my life), and my side of the family, and then my FI's family is throwing me their own, which will be smaller, around 20 people. I think that is very common nowadays.

    My friend just recently had a shower and her mother invited every single women who is invited to the wedding. They invited 97 women. 83 showed up. It took 2.5 hours to open gifts.
     
  25. You have chosen to ignore posts from WhirledPeasPlease. Show WhirledPeasPlease's posts

    Re: Out-of-towners - invited to the shower?

    I think it depends on your relationships with these people. I have close friends who live about 7 hours away, and we knew we couldn't make each others' showers, but everyone got invitations anyway. We all sent each other gifts before we even got invitations, so gift-grubbing wasn't an issue. 

    I liked feeling involved in their plans, even being so far away, and I kept their invitations. I'll probably make a collage at some point. 

    They still send me invitations on facebook for parties, city festivals, etc. even though they know I won't be there. It's nice being thought of and kept in the loop. 
     
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